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Old 10th January 2014, 01:28 PM   #181
magneto
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

she has apologized. but she has done that many times before. There are other things she has done or said in the past to make me feel unloved, unwanted, unappreciated, and disrespected. She just "i'm sorry" is enough. it used to be when i was all in, giving my all. But years of that treatment has left me empty in my feelings for her. A friend recently asked how i was doing by myself since she left... my response shocked me...i said pretty much the same as when she was here. she was very demonstrative when she left. it wasn't very amicable. so now that she has "changed her mind", i have no trust that anything will ever change.
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Old 10th January 2014, 01:35 PM   #182
chosen
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

I guess my husband should have left his first wife then? Maybe he should have but even without the religious element, he said he had made promises to her and he wasnt going to break those promises just because the marriage was a disappointment to him.

Maybe it depends on whether you believe God can change things or not? My husband did and he prayed and fasted one day a week for a year for a miracle. The miracle wasn't what he thought, she found another man and divorced him, but God used that to set Him free from that marriage.

If we trust God, He will use bad situations for our good in my experience. He will show you clearly what He wants you to do if you give it all to him and trust Him.
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Old 10th January 2014, 02:00 PM   #183
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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I guess my husband should have left his first wife then? Maybe he should have but even without the religious element, he said he had made promises to her and he wasn't going to break those promises just because the marriage was a disappointment to him.

Maybe it depends on whether you believe God can change things or not? My husband did and he prayed and fasted one day a week for a year for a miracle. The miracle wasn't what he thought, she found another man and divorced him, but God used that to set Him free from that marriage.

If we trust God, He will use bad situations for our good in my experience. He will show you clearly what He wants you to do if you give it all to him and trust Him.
Do you really believe God's miracle for your husband was to have his ex-wife get another man? Maybe they just weren't meant to be together and she realized that as much as he did. I believe God can change things, but he also gives us the tools to make changes also. You sound like people in my church who say "pray on it, God will get you that job". I say God gave you a brain to go back to school, get some skills, take a trade...That will get you that job faster than praying ever will.
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Old 10th January 2014, 07:27 PM   #184
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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You sound like people in my church who say "pray on it, God will get you that job". I say God gave you a brain to go back to school, get some skills, take a trade...That will get you that job faster than praying ever will.
Raymond, I know that you are so superb and you do so much to keep this site extra special. I consider your presence divine.

Magneto - I also wonder about people who need to keep mentioning "God" to make their flawed personal opinion seem much better.
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Old 11th January 2014, 10:05 AM   #185
Raymond
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Interesting thought Roses. That would be using the name of God in vain I think.

Magneto if your wife has apologised for saying she does not love you that is something. I am thinking maybe it could be a cry for help? She knows she should love you and wants to go to marriage counseling to maybe fix it. I know it is an unwise thing to say to your spouse but maybe it comes out of frustration? Counseling might reveal what it is that has killed the love. Maybe it can be fixed.

You are obviously taking it as rejection but it might not have been meant that way.
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Old 12th January 2014, 01:18 PM   #186
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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Interesting thought Roses. That would be using the name of God in vain I think.

Magneto if your wife has apologized for saying she does not love you that is something. I am thinking maybe it could be a cry for help? She knows she should love you and wants to go to marriage counseling to maybe fix it. I know it is an unwise thing to say to your spouse but maybe it comes out of frustration? Counseling might reveal what it is that has killed the love. Maybe it can be fixed.

You are obviously taking it as rejection but it might not have been meant that way.
My wife has said and done many things over the years that I have taken as rejection, disrespect, and un-appreciation. The thing is that those things have changed me, my view of our relationship, my love for her. Some call it a spark, butterflies, longing. However, you describe it, I no longer have that for her, and I honestly don't see it returning. I don't think it would be fair to continue forward knowing that, and giving her hope that things can return as they once were. We went to counseling, but for me it made things worse.
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Old 12th January 2014, 01:45 PM   #187
chosen
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Sometimes things seem to get worse before they get better.
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Old 12th January 2014, 01:47 PM   #188
chosen
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

There are some good articles on this site about this subject.

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/
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Old 12th January 2014, 03:51 PM   #189
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

What I mean by worse is different that what you may be thinking. When things were done in the past, of course there is the immediate impact. That's what had gotten me to the point of divorce. But when I sat with the counselor and went through them analytically. I really left those meetings livid. Mind you I never was livid when they were said or done. What made me livid? When I though about all I have done, sacrificed, etc., and then think about the total disregard of that, which would make her say or do certain things, my blood would boil. To me it was like knowing someone killed your kid. That is a tragic thing to get over. But to analytically think about them killing your kid, watching them die, thinking about them screaming for help, them dying alone, your hopes for them gone...it takes it to another level. That is what counseling did to me.
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Old 12th January 2014, 04:19 PM   #190
chosen
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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What I mean by worse is different that what you may be thinking. When things were done in the past, of course there is the immediate impact. That's what had gotten me to the point of divorce. But when I sat with the counselor and went through them analytically. I really left those meetings livid. Mind you I never was livid when they were said or done. What made me livid? When I though about all I have done, sacrificed, etc., and then think about the total disregard of that, which would make her say or do certain things, my blood would boil. To me it was like knowing someone killed your kid. That is a tragic thing to get over. But to analytically think about them killing your kid, watching them die, thinking about them screaming for help, them dying alone, your hopes for them gone...it takes it to another level. That is what counseling did to me.
Not sure if that counsellor was very good for you it seems, if all you were left with was anger and bitterness and resentment. Was he/she a Christian counsellor using Biblical principles?
Forgiveness is vital for our well being and health. Without it no marriage will ever work.
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Old 12th January 2014, 05:26 PM   #191
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

He was not a christian counselor. Honestly, I don't that really matters. And he was highly recommended. I have forgiven. Just can't forget.
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Old 13th January 2014, 09:56 AM   #192
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

It seems to me you feel unappreciated Magneto when you say after all I have done for her. It doesn't always work that way. It's not like I have done this this and this for her and now she says she doesn't love me. If we do things we should do them out of love not to get something back. Not overlooking the fact that there is a marriage problem there of course but maybe you are also making a blockage by thinking poor old me and getting a bit bitter about it?

If she is willing to go to marriage counseling it means that she is seeking answers. I don't think it helps you to love her if you are feeling like that. The way you love might not be touching her. What do you think her love language is? I think you are cutting yourself off through bitterness and making it impossible to find a way of reconciliation and bringing love back into the marriage.
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Old 13th January 2014, 11:59 AM   #193
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

This is an incredible thread. Thank you Raymond, Chosen, Roses and many others for your wisdom, and Sunny and Squeaky et al for your honesty and openness.

If anyone still wonders how one can end up married but never "in-love" with their wife, my story might help. I am not yet married or even engaged, but it's about time to decide, and there's no good reason not to marry. That's the key. No good reason not to.

She's a divorcee and didn't believe in marriage -- but her past can be forgiven, especially as we've spent 18 months having wonderful discussions with books and counsellors learning together what marriage should be.

She's boasted of her sexual conquests and being a "relay runner" -- but she's learned the wrong of this.

She seduced me and I am wretched with shame -- but we have managed to abstain for half a year.

She puts on weight and, except when she smiles, looks old and plain -- but how shallow am I?

She'd prefer her career to children -- but she'd support a house-husband.

Now for her virtues. We met at church, we say evening prayer at home together, she sang in the choir for a year just to be with me, she plays violin duets with me because I love it, even though she feels inadequate because she isn't as good as me. She comes cycle touring on weekends with me even though it's not really her thing. She's kind to my strange brother, patient and thoughtful to my family, shares her family Christmas / New Year with mine, she takes me to science talks and events (she's a scientist) and comes to plays and operas (I'm not exactly as scientist), she supports me in my work, she encourages my cooking, she's wonderful company and she makes me laugh and feel good about the world. I could go on for quite some time.

I do also cherish her, though I'm lousy at it and it isn't enough. I've learnt and am still learning her love-language of touch, I spend Saturdays in the library with her while she works, I quit singing for her at a critical time (this is a big deal in a cathedral), I do her chores when her freelancing has its 'years of plenty', I stay up late and wake early with her, I go hiking in the bush with her, I go along with her crazy ideas, and I wish I could think of more to do for her.

But. The divorce, the sex, the looks and the career-focus rankle. They are personal to her. Whereas anyone else might have none of those blemishes, yet have her virtues. If I marry her, I might forever be wondering how much more I could love a woman who had the virtues, and who was also pure, beautiful and motherly. In a crisis, I would forget the virtues and remember with bitterness the "red flags". I could blame my poor husbanding on her for being impossible to truly love.

It's easy to judge someone for marrying without being "in-love", but I can understand how it happens. Love is subtle and fragile, easy to contrive for long-enough to make a vow, and difficult to sustain. The fear of being or falling out of love is a poison, which is perhaps what the "in-love" butterflies are for, to get you over the hump and into marriage, and as a backstop in a crisis when you would remember how it felt to be "in love" and so have the will to create love again. Without the "in-love" feeling, and with the fear of a loveless marriage, who would marry? Someone cowardly, perhaps, or maybe someone incredibly courageous who has enough faith in true love to do without being "in-love". I have huge respect for the people on this thread who have admitted to being those people. I don't know if I have the guts to be one of them.

P.S. I don't mean to hijack this thread from magneto, in fact I hope my story is a helpful perspective.
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Old 13th January 2014, 02:47 PM   #194
chosen
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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Raymond, I know that you are so superb and you do so much to keep this site extra special. I consider your presence divine.

Magneto - I also wonder about people who need to keep mentioning "God" to make their flawed personal opinion seem much better.
As Christians we are supposed to follow Gods ways surely? I find it rather concerning that we cant even mention Gods name here on a Christian forum, or say what He says when its another Christian who has problems. .
After all Jesus is the best counsellor ever, and if we try and live life His way we wont run into so many difficulties(that was learnt through hard experience).

Last edited by chosen; 13th January 2014 at 03:05 PM.
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Old 13th January 2014, 02:58 PM   #195
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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It seems to me you feel unappreciated Magneto when you say after all I have done for her. It doesn't always work that way. It's not like I have done this this and this for her and now she says she doesn't love me. If we do things we should do them out of love not to get something back. Not overlooking the fact that there is a marriage problem there of course but maybe you are also making a blockage by thinking poor old me and getting a bit bitter about it?

If she is willing to go to marriage counseling it means that she is seeking answers. I don't think it helps you to love her if you are feeling like that. The way you love might not be touching her. What do you think her love language is? I think you are cutting yourself off through bitterness and making it impossible to find a way of reconciliation and bringing love back into the marriage.
I never looked at getting anything in return for what I have done for her. That was simply a way of making a point, which was that I didn't deserve the treatment I was getting over the years. Trust me, there is no poor old me feeling. It's more of a life is too short feeling. I won't say that I'm not somewhat bitter. I think that goes with any relationship that is not doing well. And no, it's not good to try and reconcile if I feel I can not get over, or get back the feelings I once had for her. I believe she is more concerned about not being married, than the concern of not being with me. I used to feel that way as well. If I'm going to be here for the long haul it can not be out of fear of losing her, it must be for the love and enjoyment of being with her.
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