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Old 12th December 2008, 08:40 AM   #1
Jackie
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Unhappy Advice needed on whether should let husband come on holiday with us.

HI, this is my first post. Eight weeks ago I found out that my husband of 18 years and close friend had been having an affair for 5 months. First my husband wanted to keep us together but as he missed the contact with OW he said he wasn't sure. Now 8 weeks later he has moved out as he doesn't know whether he wants me, her or neither. He says he doesn't love me like he used to and that we have grown apart. Nine weeks ago I thought we had a good life; no arguments, no health problems, no money problems, lovely house. Why did he not communicate these worries with me. I would quite happily let him stay in the pub with my friend talking as she was having marriage problems and has since kicked her husband out leaving the way clear for mine. I trusted them both completely. What an idiot I have been. Needless to say she is no longer my friend and I have not spoken to her since. We live in the same village which is v difficult as I am bound to bump into her and if they continue with this relationship one of us will have to move.

We have had a joint counselling session which brought it all to a head and he could not commit to not contact this OW for 2 weeks whilst away on a holiday over Christmas. I therefore asked him to move out which he did. He is now spending some time on his own, no doubt emailing and texting OW but he is also doing the same to me as we have two children. I am cutting down the contact but it is very hard. In fact when I do speak to him it makes me worse as it brings it all back how he could do this to me.

I have said he cannot come away with us and he said he would not contact her for the 2 weeks but now that he has been gone for a week I don't want to spend 2 weeks away, seeing him all day then in January to be cut off from him again which will be like starting again. Very painful. But should I let him come for our girls, they are older at 14 and 16 but they still would like him there. I am dreading January when we come back as I am not working now as we have a business together but since he moved out last week I have said that is it, I'm not going in again. I cannot help keeping a shred of hope that he will come to his senses and realise he has made a mistake. i wish I could stop this as it stops me from moving on but I don't really want to move on fully yet. He is not talking as though he is coming back but he is not himself at the moment. He is infatuated with this woman and I cannot see what he sees in her as she is quite thick and there is no substance to her.
Anyway any comments on what I should do about the holiday. We go next Thursday and are going to Singapore and Thailand so it is a long way and have never been that far with the girls on my own before.

Last edited by Jackie; 12th December 2008 at 08:47 AM.
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Old 12th December 2008, 01:10 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Advice needed on whether should let husband come on holiday with us.

You cannot see what he sees in her Jackie? Could it be the part that you are not supplying that has left an opening. I mean S. Sorry to be blunt.

I know it might not be as simple as that, but it sticks out a mile to me.

Raymond
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Old 12th December 2008, 02:10 PM   #3
Jackie
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Re: Advice needed on whether should let husband come on holiday with us.

Yes I know the obvious reason and he has said that he finds the relationship exciting. Don't we all find new relationships exciting but so far with her he has not the everyday stuff that we deal with. I have had to deal with that and he has the exciting bit. Don't you think that for a relationship to last there has to be more than sex, especially if he isn't getting the other parts that make it a complete relationship. Also it has been made more exciting by the fact that it was secret.

Also I am angry because he didn't communicate his worries with me and as I said I was unaware that he was unhappy. It really did not come across that he was. We went out often, talked all the time, spent 8 hours a day at work together, always on the phone when away from each other. Where did I go wrong?
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Old 12th December 2008, 02:34 PM   #4
Ageing Grace
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Re: Advice needed on whether should let husband come on holiday with us.

Jackie, sex isn't everything - neither is it unimportant. When you got married you promised to "worship" him with your body. I completely understand how angry you feel, especially as you've suffered this double betrayal. Try not to let your disappointment & fury blind you to both sides of the story, or you will lose whatever positives may develop out of your current pain.

In answer to your question: IMO you should definitely NOT go on holiday together whilst you're in this state. Your anger will spoil the holiday, taint your girls' experience of what should be a happy & exciting time, and make him resent you. I imagine it will be tough on your daughters, but at least they're old enough to see the two of you can't handle a fortnight together at this moment.

Give them plenty of mobile credit, so they can stay in touch with him and share the holiday that way.

Meanwhile, get on with researching the places you're going to - they are both wonderful, and not unduly challenging to get around. Make your mind up to get the very best out of every moment. It's about time you took the decision to grab life with both hands - a trip like this is the perfect opportunity. Take it.

AG
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Old 12th December 2008, 03:08 PM   #5
Ginger God
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Re: Advice needed on whether should let husband come on holiday with us.

Jackie....personally I would boot him right between the testicles..tell him that he is not coming with you and your/his girls.
That way you get time to reflect on what the future holds and he cant have sex with his paramour because his balls will hurt so much....
Him coming to his senses isnt the most important thing here..its how you deal with the betrayal..and trust me having tried to deal with betrayal three years ago....its almost impossible.
Three years ago I was in your place..now after walking Im happier than ever and have my kids half the week.....and probably like yourself with your husband I worshipped my wife.

Go girl and enjoy and have a fab time with your girls..Grace is right..your girls are old enough now.....

Graham
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Old 12th December 2008, 03:53 PM   #6
callow
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Re: Advice needed on whether should let husband come on holiday with us.

Personally, I would say "No".

He will resent you and try to get away so he can phone his new girlfriend.

I went on holiday with my separated husband. It was dreadful and really spoilt my holiday.

I will never forget his grumpiness as we went around Venice. He treated me and my 2 girls with utter contempt. What should have been a great holiday was spoilt.

Anytime I think about asking him to join us on holiday I just think about that time.

You will cope fine without him and afterwards you will be so pleased with yourself that you manage to do it on your own.
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Old 13th December 2008, 08:47 AM   #7
Raymond
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Re: Advice needed on whether should let husband come on holiday with us.

Jackie you are right about the way he is carrying on. I still feel it might not have happened if the S thing was sorted. Yes sex isn't everything but it is a valid part of relationship in marriage and an important one. You seem to have got everything else right. Maybe he was too embarrassed to be blunt with you. All I am saying is do not underestimate the physical intimacy which is a valid and important part of marriage. If he is now having sex, the thought of coming back to a sexless marriage is just one more barrier that needn't be there.

Yes the relationship is very important but crossing out sex puts a bit of a blight on it for most.

Raymond
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Old 13th December 2008, 05:56 PM   #8
Jackie
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Re: Advice needed on whether should let husband come on holiday with us.

Yes Raymond, I realise that sex is a big part and don't I know it now. I knew that by refusing to have sex that if I lost him this would be the reason but I do think that I should have seen a doctor about this a few year's ago but I was ashamed and embarrassed to do so and no I have not been molested in the past. I have explained this to my husband but he is saying now that it is too late for me to suddenly have an interest in sex. Since finding out about the OW we have had sex several times and it has been good but he says it was just sex and nothing else. Since finding out I have made several changes but it seems to be may changing and not him. If he does get this woman out of his system, then I would make big changes in our life but until and if ever, what can I do? I just have to get through this but I have lost my husband, my friend and my job all in one go and I am devastated. Today has been a bad day and I am missing him badly although I have spent it with my girls, everyone is out Christmas shopping and I feel so bad. Tomorrow, Sunday, he is coming to have a Christmas Day with us as we will be away on 25th and I am dreading it as when I see him I am so pleased but after he has gone I just feel worse.

I haven't told him yet that he won't be coming with us on holiday. Also as he is living at work he would expect to stay in our house whilst we are away. Under no circumstances do I want him to bring the OW into our house ever again. Should I say he can't stay here. I was thinking of asking him to give me his key so that he can't get in or if he won't do that then get the locks changed. What do you think?
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Old 14th December 2008, 09:36 AM   #9
Raymond
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Re: Advice needed on whether should let husband come on holiday with us.

Jackie I am encouraged that you are not just a refuser full stop and are obviously working on your issues.

Your husband is in adultery and really doesn't have a claim on you and certainly not to bring the other woman into your house. If as you say you were working on your issues then it puts him in an even worse light than I originally thought. How can you try now? The waters are now muddied by this other woman. Sex is a pure thing just between the husband and wife not a commodity to try and match another woman in an illegal relationship.

For him to say it is just sex shows that somehow he has disengaged to a certain extent from the relationship he has with you. I think you are right as well that he shouldn't go on holiday with you while he is acting as he is.

Things cannot really be put right until he finishes with this other woman and mends the trust that has been broken between you. I think your sex problem is fixable but that will have to be put on the back burner for now until he puts things right.

Lets hope he comes to his senses and does the right thing. You are not expected to act like a wife to him while this is going on. He must know that deep down.

Raymond
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Old 15th December 2008, 09:37 AM   #10
Jackie
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Re: Advice needed on whether should let husband come on holiday with us.

Thanks for your comments Raymond, you are right.

Spent yesterday with OH and was a good day but sad one. I discussed the holiday and the fact why he was not coming with us and he understood this. I said I didn't mind him staying in our house but under no circumstances was he to bring OW anywhere near and if he did there would be serious consequences. He promised me that he would not do that so. I asked him if he had started it up again with her or was he going to and he said perhaps. I told him he was an idiot and then he was in tears.

Despite this the rest of the day went okay and he was with us until 10pm.
When I spoke to him when leaving he said that it does upset him, I think mainly because he feels guilty for having done this to me. He keeps asking if I am okay but this is just to make him feel better. I am trying to put a brave face on things now as I think me crying and looking miserable all the time does not help things. I think he could see yesterday that I was okay and maybe this had some effect, I don't know. I am trying to look as though I am busy even though I have no job but meeting friends for coffee and lunch all the time. This holiday is going to be difficult as we have all been as a family for the last three years so there are going to be memories everywhere but I am going to do things we have not done before to make new memories. It will be hard but what else can you do?
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Old 15th December 2008, 01:27 PM   #11
Raymond
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Re: Advice needed on whether should let husband come on holiday with us.

Exactly my thoughts Jackie. What else can you do? You are doing well to do what you do.

Hubby is obviously feeling guilty. He knows he is in the wrong but at least he is relating to a certain extent although this cannot be as husband and wife while this is going on.

You are quite within your rights to disallow him being on holiday with you. He knew this when you told him. There will be a pressure there for him to give up this woman when you do the right thing. Whether he responds to this pressure is another thing. I certainly wouldn't reccommend any sex with him. You do well to keep yourself busy as you are doing. One thing you should never do is crawl to him or beg in the present circumstances.

The pressure will be there not because you are trying to pressure him but because you do the right thing. Basically he has stepped out of a legitimate marriage into adultery. He is unlikely to find repentance while he is having his cake and eating it if you ge the gist.

Therefore you can keep your self esteem intact in doing what you are doing. We can only hope he will eventually see the light and get right about everything. It was very perceptive of you to realise it was only guilt that made him ask if you were alright. I think you were absolutely correct.

Raymond
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Old 10th March 2009, 09:09 AM   #12
Jackie
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Re: Advice needed on whether should let husband come on holiday with us.

Hi, its a while since I posted. My H moved out at the beginning of December and although there have been signs that he does still love me etc he is still seeing the OW. I found this out for definite this last weekend. His mother approached him about it and he said he wasn't proud of it. She had a go at him about his responsibilities to his daughters but it doesn't seem to get through to him. She said just get rid of this OW but he said it is harder than you think.

I am now resigned to the fact that he, once again, is not capable of making the decision so I will have to do it again. Next week I am going to have a talk with him about what is going on and ask him to remove all his possessions from our house. He has only partly moved out as at the moment he is hedging his bets. One question though please. At the moment, as he does not live too close, about a 35 minute drive and he lives in a one bedroomed cottage, when he sees our daughters he visits them in our house. I try to make myself scarce or he visits them when I am out in the evening. What do other people do? Should I insist he takes them somewhere else for the evening? He sometimes maybe just pops in for 1/2 hour on his way home from work. In the future though this could get awkward. I am trying to do the no contact thing at the moment which is difficult if he just calls in. Last night he was supposed to come while I was out at badminton but after his mother had had a go at him yesterday he said it would just upset him if he came! Poor lamb!

Next week I will sit him down and ask him if a relationship with OW is what he truly wants as if it is, just pack everything and get on with it, stop messing me about telling me he loves me one week then nothing the next.
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Old 10th March 2009, 09:23 AM   #13
JWD
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Re: Advice needed on whether should let husband come on holiday with us.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ginger God View Post
Jackie....personally I would boot him right between the testicles..

Graham


It's ridiculous us creeping round their feeling like this isn't it. I think mine Is totally manipulating me now. i really don't like him.

Anyway, I think you're right. her or you. I'm sure once all her issues come out re divorce the novelty will soon wear off.
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Old 10th March 2009, 11:05 AM   #14
georgie
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Re: Advice needed on whether should let husband come on holiday with us.

Hi Jackie, I had the same questions re: my recently departed H visiting our kids, I was basically being expected to vacate my home because he decided he had some seconds to spare for our kids - then yesterday major revelation for me "hey buster, you left us, your choice - if you want to see the kids, you put yourself out, don't come here - mess up our home and then swan off with zero responsibility- take them to your place" and by prior arrangment, and all my friends advise that if he is unreliable/late - the visit is automatically cancelled (not sure if I'm hard faced enough yet to follow through on that one, but I am scowling into the mirror for practice). He came and got them for the first time tonight - mine are 6 and 11, it was hard but they loved seeing him (swallow hard) and I SURVIVED. It gave a little bit of a boundary back to me - he had free access to my territory but I'm not allowed anywhere near his, it felt somehow unbalanced to me. He sounds like another lieing cowardly cheat - would we have had anything to do with them if they were advertised like that in the first place? I'm trying to convince myself as much as you, I'm still gutted, but moving slowly forward.
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Old 18th March 2009, 07:57 AM   #15
Jackie
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Re: Advice needed on whether should let husband come on holiday with us.

Well, I decided in the end not to bother meeting up with him. I thought that I heard about the affair by email so he could get an email. I kept it to the point and just said I had packed up the rest of his clothes etc and they were ready to collect. He sent a long email back about how sorry he was, how much he regretted the last year, how much he still loved me, how we had had a good marriage, doesn't know how we got to this point, blah, blah, blah. I know how we got to this point. He had an affair with my friend and can't end it.

He still sees her sometimes in fact took her away for the weekend last weekend. As she basically left her H for him, he feels as though he cannot hurt her. It is not a proper relationship, only seeing her once a week and only on her own, not with her children, as he does not want to have a relationship with them. They know him so it is not as though she doesn't want to introduce my H to them yet.

I think he is stuck in a bad place and cannot make any decisions. He obviously misses his life with us and says everything reminds him of me but just cannot give the OW up. So I have had to make the decision as he is too weak. He is coming for his stuff at the weekend but I will hopefully be out. I have had little contact with him for the last 3 weeks and it has made it easier. I did not reply to his email. I thought it best to keep a dignified silence. There is nothing I would say that would make any difference anyway. He is making the biggest mistake of his life but unfortunately it is affecting all of his family, not just him.
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