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Old 17th May 2006, 07:17 PM   #1
brandy24
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Angry My husband had an affair and got another woman pregnant?

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We have had a few minor problems dealing with trust issues. He swears up and down that I cheated on him early in our relationship. But I didn't. During the beginning of our relationship he was very abusive, verbally, physically and mentally. I tried to leave him before we got married and I just couldn't. Thru the years I have cheated on him 2 times. One, I came clean about recently and 1 I don't know if I can ever tell. My husband has changed allot over the years. I suspect that he cheated on me with several different women. We met in the military, after we decided to have a child; we decided I should get out and start a career in the civilian world. I did. I moved across country to where he was and started school. During my time at school we spent allot of time apart. I didn't really know what was going on with his job and he didn't really know what was going on with my school. I was very focused on school. Which meant, he had to step it up a notch and take care of the kids for me to work and go to school? He say's during that time in our marriage I left him. And I stopped loving him. I didn't, I was just focused on getting school finished so I could get a good job and help support our family. Its been three years since then, I have now found a very good job and I am happy. My husband who is still in the military has made new friends and has a whole separate work life that I don't know much about. Itís like he doesn't want to include me in his work life or activities. He also doesn't wear a wedding band. So I don't even know if anyone knows he's married. They don't ever see me and I'm sure he doesn't talk about me. The reason for this message is what is going on now. My husband over the years is constantly accusing me of having affairs that have not happened. He makes up things in his mind and tries to pass them off as if they actually happened. I know I didn't do the things he is constantly accusing me of. He had a 6 month deployment to Cuba this past year. I just found out that while he was there he had an affair with a woman and she is now pregnant. He told this woman he loved her, and we were separated to get her to date him. I found out because she called me at work to let me know. Its been about 7 days since I found out. He acts as if he has no remorse for what he has done. He kept this a secret from me for over 13 months. He was sending this woman money for the unborn baby and to keep her quiet. This woman and I have spoken on several occasions. She was told we were not together and he loved her. She sent me emails he they sent back and forth and everything she says is confirmed. He lied to her and to me. She told me he asked her to have his baby and they tried and it happened. Now all of a sudden he wants to deny the baby who was born about 2.5 weeks ago. I am so hurt. Then he says it's my fault because I lied to him about things I have done in the past. (Which i haven't). That's when I came clean and told him about 1 of the encounters I had early in our marriage. Since, all this is out I am so confused. I myself am 8.5 months pregnant. He asked me to have another baby knowing what he had going on with this other woman behind my back. He had her believing that he was leaving me and he was going to be with her. Now he doesn't even want to talk to her. He's told me to my face that he will keep on doing what he's doing because I can't be honest with him. But there is nothing to be honest about, its all speculations in this head. I have told him, If he doesn't want to be with me, then please leave. But he won't. Also, recently before I found out about this overseas affair, he started getting text messages on his cell phone from strange numbers with sexy messages. So he is cheating around where he works as well. And he denies all that too. He is leaving for another 6 month deployment in about 1 month. I want my marriage to work, but is it too late?? We have a son together and his oldest daughter from a previous relationship has been living with us for over 4 years. So its complicated. I feel like I deserve better that he has given me. My husband is adopted and its almost like he's using and abusing woman because he is angry at what happened to him. I don't know which way to turn. The hardest part of all this is that I am pregnant and still very much in love with my husband. What should I do. This other woman has no respect for me or my family. She thinks she can pick up the phone and call me when ever she likes. I hate her for that. What do I do????? Please Help.
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Old 17th May 2006, 07:58 PM   #2
Helen
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Re: My husband had an affair and got another woman pregnant?

Brandy24,

What a mess. What should you do? Leave this loser. I know it won't be easy with 2 kids of your own and one of his (plus the knowledge of at least one other that he has created with another woman) but my feeling is you have to for your sanity. Your husband does not love you. He is in a fantasy world of his own making. He is making up scenarios in his mind to justify your actions, much of which you say is untrue.

What possessed you to tell him anything about your affair? Maybe he suspects now that if you could lie about that, you could lie about so many other things. Hence the scenarios. Whatever he is thinking, there is no justification for his current behaviour. Two (or more) wrongs do not make a right.

Tell him you have no more room in your life for him. He is a liar and a cheat - a far bigger and far worse cheat than you - because, okay you had an affair but you did not come home with a bellyfull belonging to some other man. He has betrayed you over and over and is rubbing your nose in it. As his wife who has been faithful to him for years, you KNOW you deserve better.

Don't hate the other woman. She calls you because she senses that the two of you are in the same boat - which you are. Comfort each other and encourage her to give your cheating louse of a husband the boot too.

Leave this loser and make a life of your own for you and your kids. And don't forget to sort out child support.


Helen
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Old 17th May 2006, 08:45 PM   #3
shadow
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Re: My husband had an affair and got another woman pregnant?

I would set the rules, tell him to ship up, be a husband and father or to get out. You dont deserve it. Dont back down from your rules and firm with them.

If he dont want to try and change then I say leave him and do it soon, because if she files for CS before you she will get the better part of it. You deserve it so go after it first and come out on top.
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Old 17th May 2006, 09:39 PM   #4
brandy24
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Re: My husband had an affair and got another woman pregnant?

Thanks, for your support on this issue. We had an agrument a couple of days ago and he told me that.. he doesn't care about me or the baby I'm carrying and that's why he doesn't rub or touch on my belly. Come to think about it. He hardly acknowledges the fact that I am pregnant and carrying his child. I just feel trapped. On top of all that we are in the hurricane Katrina area. Him and this other woman were dating around that time, long distance. And I think if it wasn't for the hurricane and the losses we had because of that, he would have left me for her. After years of accusing me of having affairs, and saying my son might not be for him. (by the way.. he looks just like him) I went and set up a DNA test for my son and the new baby (from the other woman). They both came back positive. I never had a doubt about my son, I wasn't with anyone else at the time. What I'm saying is.. he is constantly doing things to put me down. I have a great career and a loving family. I just can't see why he doesn't want to be here with us. I am still in the denial stage as all this is new to me. I only found out about all this less than 3 weeks ago. I still cry sometimes, then I get angry. My doctor even told me my baby is in destress because of all this drama. I haven't told him whats going on at home, but I think I will today at my appointment. I just need some courage and strength to get thru this in one peace. Thanks for listening and responding it really helps... to have a place to vent and talk about my feelings.
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Old 17th May 2006, 09:46 PM   #5
AlwaysGreen
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Re: My husband had an affair and got another woman pregnant?

Hello Brandy.
I am a bit confused here. I agree that your husband having a full blown affair resulting in a baby is disasterous and he does not sound like a very wonderful man. But my concern is why have another baby with this man when you are two are obviously not happy. I say this because you have admitted to having problems and also to yourself having two affairs in the past 6 years. I don't know why you had affairs or what you gained from them, but it shows that there has certainly been many problems in your marriage, if not only have you had affairs, but so has he.
This strikes me as a very troubled relationship and where you start to get the help needed to fix it is a hard one indeed. The real start is honesty. Even if not to each other then at least to yourselves. Is this how you want your life to carry on. Start asking yourselves questions and answering yourselves honestly.
Is there any possibility your Husband has an inkling about your affairs. This could help explain his belief that you were unfaithful. And why did you decided that now was the time to tell him, and then only tell him about the "One that you deem less wrong".
The fact that you have had affairs doesn't mean I judge you. My relpy to you is not with judgement. It is merely with lack of understanding as to why you both married in the first place.
The obvious truth here though is that your husband appears to have a total lack of repect for you and this other woman. You are both pregnant by him at the same time and he seems quite happy to shrug and shirk. I would suggest that now you two are pregnant (One just born) and the "****" has hit the fan, the sexual texts from yet another person are a way of escaping the pain and upset that he is causing and now pastures are again greener elsewhere. With the other posting away coming up soon and you being left alone with a new baby and two other children, and his upset cuban woman on the other end of your phone, it is definately time for you to do some real real thinking.
Is this what you want.
Is HE what you want.
Will He ever change.
Brandy, You say you love this man. Why?
I hope you come up with some answers and can work things out for yourself.
And as Helen says, the other woman is not to blame. She is as unfortunate as you.
Take care, and don't let too much stress get to you. I know this is easier said than done, but put all of you stregth into nurture. For you, that bump in you and the other two children who depend on you. You only have a few weeks left until baby comes along. Try amidst all of this to find quiet time for you and bump. Relax and think of the wonderful baby who is about to join your life, not the rat that is already in it.
x
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Old 17th May 2006, 09:56 PM   #6
AlwaysGreen
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Re: My husband had an affair and got another woman pregnant?

I have just read you latest post, And he sounds like a horrible person.
Get rid of him.
Why stay in a marriage that is bad.
If you want to ever be really happy, then It is not likely to be with this man.
I am sorry you are having such a hard time.
X
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Old 18th May 2006, 12:48 AM   #7
shadow
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Re: My husband had an affair and got another woman pregnant?

It is time to think of the baby, get rid of him, no man is worth putting your baby at risk!!!

And I see that you too are from the states, trust me I know, kick him out and file for CS right away, the one that first files is the one that benefits the most!!! Dont let the OW win by letting her get 50% of your H income!!

He accuses you is a normal pattern for a cheater, it is to make them feel better and more justified for their own actions. Let it out one ear and the other

I know it is hard to make the decision to leave, you know your H, is he willing to do whatever it will take to make the marriage work?? If not then dont waste time on him and especially your unborn health.
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Old 18th May 2006, 03:38 AM   #8
Lovey
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Re: My husband had an affair and got another woman pregnant?

Oh Brandy, my heart broke when I read your posts. I think that so much has already been said so all I wanted to say to you is hun, you really have to focus on your health and your baby's health. After the baby is born you can start to think about either putting the pieces of your marriage together or leaving him. (I don't know much about how the situation is at home, but you need to be somewhere peaceful.) If you can talk to your Doctor or see a counsellor, please try to.
Big, big hugs to you.

Lovey
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Old 18th May 2006, 01:38 PM   #9
brandy24
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Re: My husband had an affair and got another woman pregnant?

Always Green, When my husband asked me to have another baby. I had no clue about the other woman and her pregancy. If I did, I would have said, "Hell No!!" All this information came out a few weeks ago. I am seriously thinking about getting out, but I have to have my baby first. The reason I was unfaithful to my husband was because of how he treated me in the begginning of our relationship. I didn't have an affair of the heart like he did. One was a one night stand with someone I dated years ago. and the other one was a here and there type thing. None of them involved my feelings being compromised from my husband. I know it was wrong, but at the time I needed a release. In his case, it was an affair of the heart. I love you's were being thrown around and a baby was planned (not an accident). 2 wrongs do not make a right but its done. The times my husband was accusing me of stepping out, I wasn't. This wasn't til later. I heard it so much, that i just did it. He was in a really bad relationship before ours, where the girl got pregnant for someone else and tried to say it was his child. She scared him in turn he always thought that I could be capable of doing the same thing. So he would make up fantasies in his mind about what all I could be doing. All of which was a load of crap. I love him, but I know our relationship can never be like it was in the past. He had an intimate relationship with another woman for 3.5 months and told her he loved her. Just the thought of that makes me want to throw-up! I think he's only there now because he is comfortable. We have a pretty decient life, a few dollars saved up, and there isn't anything we could possibly want. I wait on this man hand and foot. I taught him how to pay bills, bought him a truck, and is taking care of his daughter from a previous relationship and taking his ****. While still holding down a career, taking care of home, and going to school. Who else would do all that and I don't dabble in his money or ask him for anything that I can't provide from myself. So I ask? Do I really need all this drama in my life?
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Old 18th May 2006, 01:43 PM   #10
Kimberley
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Re: My husband had an affair and got another woman pregnant?

I would say no you dont but its not easy and I dont envy you with a new baby about to be born. He really does sound a brute and I have picked a bit of a darling myself!! Trust your instincts keep a reserve money wise and when he next ships out see how you feel being with the children on your own without him and if you are happy consider that and your family to make a decision before he comes back.

I find that the time I spend without my husband now more enjoyable actually at first I was reluctant but now when he says he is going out/away I encourage it because me and my daughters get the house to ourselves and can do what we want.

Good luck with your baby, I love babies its a shame they grow up
Take Care Kimberley XXX
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Old 18th May 2006, 02:18 PM   #11
brandy24
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Re: My husband had an affair and got another woman pregnant?

Kimberly, you are so right. The last time he left I had so much fun with the kids. We did stuff that I wanted to do, that he wouldn't like, or care to do. I had nights out with my neighbor and friends. Where all my girlfriends and I would spend Thrusday night and one or the others house, cook and play cards even have a drink or two that was so fun. I really think I'll take that time to see how things go. Thanks for your reply.
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Old 18th May 2006, 04:28 PM   #12
London
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Re: My husband had an affair and got another woman pregnant?

brandy - I agree with Helen. Thsi man is not worth a single minute more of your time or affections. Concentrate on having this baby of yours and leave the selish gimp. The fact that he can have so many affairs, have a child in a foreign country and abandon the OW and deliberately trap you by asking you to have another child is nothing more than a power trip for him. He knew what he was doing. He knew you might leave if you found out about his affairs - so what does he do? He MANIPULATED you into having his baby - therby trapping you and forcing you to stay. The man ABUSED you so long ago and when he saw you didn't leave then, he knew he had you.

You now have the option of either being a victim to him again or empowering yourself and telling him you DON'T need him anymore. He may not want to leave, but that doesn't mean you can't pack up and get the heck out.

Good luck and here's a big hug!
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Old 18th May 2006, 08:48 PM   #13
TooMuchPain
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Re: My husband had an affair and got another woman pregnant?

What a nightmare! I would seek counseling and begin to start a self-healing process. You will not change him. He will blame you for everything. His desire is to make you feel guilty, so you will stay with him.

Sometimes I try to look at my own situation as if I was a third party. If I were watching this person what would I tell them? What do I want for them? Where should they go and how should they get there? Everyone deserves to be happy. You must first make yourself happy in order to do it for others (i.e. your children). Counseling will help you find a way to make yourself happy. Then you will discover how easy it is to make those important in your life as happy or better.

No one can make you do anything. You have to do it for yourself. Your husband seeks happiness by self indulgence. That is not happiness. It is gluttony. I cannot see into his mind or yours. I do not know what makes either of you tick. But you know what makes you tick. You know what makes your children tick. Use this to make yourself happy.

My prayers and thoughts are with you. You will be a happier person, but you have to do that. Take charge of it and you will feel a freedom unlike any other available in the world. Do not fear the unknown. Take charge and go into the unknown with confidence, love, and a rekindled spirit of freedom. You will see dividends beyond your wildest dreams.
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Old 19th October 2006, 02:12 AM   #14
pammye65
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Re: My husband had an affair and got another woman pregnant?

Hello all...I am new to this. I have a friend who's husband got another woman ( i should say child...she's 23) pregnant. She had the baby last November. my friend is devastated because they have been married for 22 years and have 2 children ages 18 and 21.
now is the time for them to be doing things together and he goes and does this! Yesterday she ran into the woman and the child and was able to see him for the first time. She said it was like looking at her own son when he was a baby. She was really hurt as you can imagine. If that ain't enough, the little jezebel just smiles and rubs it in.
I try and talk to her but it is hard when I have not been thru the same thing. I told her that she needed to get online and find others who are going thru the same thing. Does anyone know where to go to and chat about this too. I am going to tell her about this forum.
thanks for reading!
Pam (apups4@yahoo.com)
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Old 19th October 2006, 11:33 PM   #15
wysi
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Re: My husband had an affair and got another woman pregnant?

My husband (together 18 yrs, married for 6) did this as well. You can see details on an old thread here. I wanted us to come through it & we stayed together for 18 months after he told me - but he wasn't committed & we separated 4 months ago. As far as I know he did stop the affair for a while, then resumed it - but also seeing other women - in other words having a delayed adolescence/mid-life crisis.

There is no escape from the pain - you have to go through it. Whether the marriage can work again depends only on how much both people want it to.

There is another site I know of - marriage-builders in google will find it - which has a section where people who have gone through this - with various outcomes - discuss the situation.

For me it has been extremely difficult. I am now slowly coming back into being myself & having good days as well as bad. My main regret now - seeing how it ended - is that he had left/I had kicked him out at the beginning, as soon as I knew, because then I would be further on by now. But I also know that I tried everything I could to save my marriage and the fact that it ended is not because I have lost my integrity. It doesn't keep you warm at night but it helps to stop you thinking you are a bad person.
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