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Old 17th January 2011, 09:19 PM   #1
david
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Help me

Hi all

It's my first posting on here. I hope to gain new friends.

I am 43. My wife is 46. We have been married for 21 years and have 2 children aged 12 & 17. My sons is special needs.

After Christmas my wife told me that she couldn't cope anymore and that she had been pretending everything had been ok for years. At the moment she wants to give the impression to the children that everything is normal. My mother is very ill and our daughter is taking A levels. She asked me to say nothing to anyone until the A levels were over and the prognosis for my sick mother was known. I wasn't keen but went along with it as I saw as an opportunity for getting the marriage back on track.

The failing has been a lack of attention and interest in ourselves. I have been a poor communicator and not read my wifes signs of unhappiness. Added to this my wife has to lay on my sons bed each night until he is asleep this has done nothing for our relationship

As far as I know there are no affairs, although she has had some personal emails on facebook, I am content there is nothing to them.

I am arranged counselling for myself. My wife has refused to go and is angry even about me going to counselling saying she is the one who needs to feel better.

Although we talk when we can now, she drinks more wine and remains angry with me. She won't even walk the dog with me.

To give her time & space I decided to sleep in the spare room to show that I care.

I really don't know how long things will take to mend. She seems aggresive and I suspect that we both need the support of our wider family. Recovery without counscelling will be down to good communication and getting to know each other. Personally, although 3 weeks clearly is not long, I cannot cope with this for longer than say 2 months. I simply cannot see things getting better.

Last edited by david; 17th January 2011 at 09:21 PM. Reason: typing
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Old 17th January 2011, 10:12 PM   #2
Forever
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Re: Help me

Greetings David,
I am sorry to hear what is going down. Are you up to some covert activity while you are waiting for the other shoe to drop? I would suggest some heavy duty snooping into mobile bills, computer, emails, texting ect...rule out a possible third party first so you are not like poor Highlander who couldn't figure what was going on either...until he found out what she was hiding.

After you are well satisfied that it cannot be a third party, we will have to work on other causes and solutions. Her being angry, aggressive, amping up the wine and refusing counseling does not add up. If she is under too much stress then counseling along with practical solutions could be of great value to diminish that. Does she work outside the home?
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Old 18th January 2011, 03:23 AM   #3
chosen
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Re: Help me

Hello David
If she is as unhappy as she claims then surely she would jump at the chance to have counselling, either with you or alone.Dont let her stop you going though, you are doing the right thing there.I cant understand why she is angry that you are going, surely that can only benefit her?
How long does your son take to get to sleep that takes her away from you in the evenings? Is there anyway that he can be helped to get to sleep on his own?
I suspect that this may take longer than 2 months to sort out, so you may need to be patient. It will be 4-5 months till your daughter does her A levels.
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Old 18th January 2011, 09:15 PM   #4
david
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Re: Help me

Thanks for your supportive responses.

The reason why my wife does not want to go to couselling is becuase she suffered from depression 2 years ago and found counselling a waste of time. She at least recognises that it will do me some good. I am disappointed that she does not want to go. At least she recognises that good communication is the way forward.

She became friends with an old family friend on Facebook. I haev access to her email accounts and found 2 messages chating her up. She told me she had dealt with it and I believe her. Her mobile phone bill increased during November and December. Again we discussed this. I suspect that she may have been flirting and had second thoughts.

I recognised that I needed to give her space and time so I moved out of our bed at bedtimes for a trial period of say 1 month.

I really do want to ge this back on track for the sake of our special needs son and the rest of the family. It's been 3 weeks now and KI hope by say the end of february that she might at least go for a meal or walk the dog with me.
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Old 18th January 2011, 09:41 PM   #5
chosen
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Re: Help me

I suspect that this flirting relationship may have made her feel that 'The grass is greener' type of thing and it has made her discontent with what she has.If there is discontentment in a marriage there is often someone else involved, even if only in a small way(as far as you know).
Your children will know that something is wrong, even if you stay in the same house, especially if you are in seperate rooms. It may be a good idea to speak to your daugher a bit about this.

The counselling that she has for depression is very different from marriage guidance counselling.Its a shame that she has let one counsellor put her off all of them. I hope that she will agree to go to marriage counselling.I cant see what a month will achieve to be honest, unless she will agree to work on it together.
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Old 19th January 2011, 09:19 AM   #6
david
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Re: Help me

we agreed not to share this problem with our daughter until afrer her A levels. This was my wife's suggestion. I agreed on the basis the the 6 months would be a trial period and if improvements to our relationships were made, we would reconsider our position in june.

I did ask my wife if she agreed to the trial that we needed to work together and communicate. It could be that either there is no return or that she thinks that time will heal. I have changed what i think is wrong.
I suspect that she was talking to someone. I think that she backed off once he started thinking he was interested in other things.

We agreed last night that we would have a family holiday. I saw that as being positive.

My wife thinks that people don't change. I need to demonstrate that they do. At least the conversation is now civil with very good eye contact.
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Old 19th January 2011, 11:00 AM   #7
david
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Re: Help me

i also wondered whether people thought that moving into the spare room on a voluntary basis was a good idea?
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Old 19th January 2011, 02:13 PM   #8
Forever
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Re: Help me

Greetings David,
I do not believe that moving in the spare room was good for several reasons. First, she did not demand you to do that and it will be difficult to get back into the marital bed without seeming pushy.

Second, if there is a possibility that there is someone else who has her attention, this will only facilitate more privacy for covert communication and fantasy with them. Also, your daughter is old enough to see that there is something brewing...how long before you will have to have a conversation with her to explain the unexplainable?

Third, she will get used to feeling independant of you physically and emotionally which sets the stage for total detatchment. As long as she is willing to sleep next to you, even if you do not touch her, there remains an awareness of your presence. If she loathes you, she will demand you sleep elsewhere, or she will elect to do that...but until she does, you should inch your way back into the bedroom. You can say the other bed hurts your back or something. If she moves into the other room, you can then get a better guage as to where you stand with her.

Privacy is for the loo, not for a time when there are marital difficuties that need to be uncovered and dealt with.

The drinking extra disturbs me, it looks (as a woman) as she is very troubled and is using alcohol to medicate herself and cover something more than simple stress. It is also a depressant which can send her in a spiral down that slippery slope again.

We really hate to suggest here that there might be a third person, but do you really thing she is going to shout that from the roof top and throw it in your face? Take it from a woman, if she is seriously considering getting out of the marriage, she will become an atress and take her time setting up all her options and planning first. Women do not just simply walk out. They usually put plans into motion long before hand to cover all the basis.

That is another reason it is disturbing that she will not consider counseling...perhaps she has something to hide that she does not want uncovered during counseling?

You said that your wife does not believe that people change.
What kind of changes is she expecting from you? For herself?
Does she work full time? WHY does she have to be in the bed with your son for him to fall asleep? How much help do you give for domestic duties? It would help us to get to the bottom of this sooner if you could shed more light on these things.

P.S. Keeping good eye contact between you both is a very good sign. When my husband and I are at odds, neither of us can stand to look at the other when we talk... unless we are feeling extra hostile and want to use facial expressions and tone of voice to spear each other. lol

Last edited by Forever; 19th January 2011 at 02:40 PM.
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Old 19th January 2011, 02:23 PM   #9
chosen
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Re: Help me

I agree not to move into the other room.If she wants to do that herself, then let her, but you stay in your own bed. I cant see how that will help.
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Old 19th January 2011, 03:25 PM   #10
david
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Re: Help me

hmm. i thought i was giving her space but i take your point. She will think i'm a right idiot moving back into my bed. I agree with what you say though.
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Old 19th January 2011, 03:36 PM   #11
Forever
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Re: Help me

David,
You can simply say that you love her and miss her presence and that you do not want your own emotions to drift away from her while you sort out the issues. That ought to do it. Dont worry about looking like an idiot. There are no rules against preserving love.

One thing I have noticed here is that those who come to this (or any) forum is that it is utilized by the spouse who is the most emotionally invested into the relationship.
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Old 19th January 2011, 06:46 PM   #12
david
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Re: Help me

I told her that I miised her and wanted to be next to her. She said she didn't feel the same but didn't have a problem about it.

Although she won't attend the counselling, she does ask questions about what I want from it. My fear is that she is either generally messed up and doesn't want to open up hence the drinking or she is playing a deliberate game of stringing me along until the Summer. I don't think she is doing that, but it did cross my mind.

I get on well with my father-in-law. I do think there comes a time when the problem needs to be shared with the family. What do you think?
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Old 19th January 2011, 07:57 PM   #13
koliver0821
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Re: Help me

I have a few things I can add from my dealings of my wife who thought the grass was greener.

1.) she too went through a period of depression (actually 2)
2.) She ended up cheating on me
3.) She used to give me crap about me signing up on facebook. (I never chatted or received emails.) She later signed up and began chatting. ALOT
4.) Cell phone bills through the roof.
5.) Lots of going out with her cousin
6.) Lots of us arguing during the summer as she was constantly on the phone and at times even taking off at family parties leaving me with our kids to hang out with her cousin.
7.) later learned she wasn't spending that time with her cousin.....
8.) I allowed this behavior as I didnt want to rock the boat. I hated fighting.
9.) After Thanksgiving of last year, I became deeply depressed. Over our relationship, finances and the upcoming holidays.
10.) New Years Eve, Probably the best day of the year for me. Wife and I spent the whole day together. Intimate that night.
11.) next day. Made breakfast for the kids and for her in bed. We ended up watching a movie though she didnt come downstairs right away. She was talking to her cousin. She had to go to work. Sent a text to her on her way to work. She responded right away. Sent another. Again responded right away. I thought it was fishy and sent her one more text saying why are you lying to me and that day we separated.

Why am I telling you this? Lots of reasons. One, facebook can lead to many things. I wouldnt trust the flirty emails or chats or text. Not at all. As others have said, and how my experience makes me feel, red flags are present.

As for counseling, you are doing the right thing. If it was her decision to separate, then who cares if she get's upset at you for getting help for yourself. If she didnt find it helpful, too bad. I've said this to many people on her. Learn this phrase (This isnt meant as condescending). "I'm sorry you feel that way."

If she doesn't want to go to couple's counseling so be it. However, the best answer I can give you for what you want for it is this: I was hoping that you would attend as it could help us communicate better in our marriage. But should it for whatever reason not work out, I think its important that we both have a way to discuss together how to communicate to our kids what is going on between us."

As for the stringing you along. This would only be happening if something is going on behind your back. Not sure if have access to her computer of its the family computer but if you have a chance, I may have an option to capture some "chat sessions". It may only capture the messages she sent (I cant remember). I used it after the fact to confirm when my wife's affair ended to make sure she was telling the truth.

http://www.jadsoftware.com/go/?page_id=225

Feel free to ask any questions or follow up questions on any information. I have no problems sharing my experiences.

I especially agree about never leaving the marital home and bed if possible.
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Old 19th January 2011, 09:00 PM   #14
david
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Re: Help me

I suppose the question here is whether this marriage is recoverable without counseling. I suspect the answer is yes, but it's very very difficult
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Old 20th January 2011, 06:03 AM   #15
chosen
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Re: Help me

If you both want to make it work, then yes, it is possible. If only one wants to then that changes things.Honestly if one isnt 100% committed to the marriage that makes things very hard for the other spouse.Refusing counselling isnt going to help.
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