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Old 22nd June 2011, 06:12 PM   #1
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is it possible to save and have a good marriage?


Me and my wife have been married for 31/2 years been together for 6 years total. She's been my best friend all these years. We've had a rocky relationship though. We both moved to this state about the same time and didn't really know anyone outside our families. I actually met her when she started working at the same job I did at the time as a temporary. I guess first thing to know is that my wife is diagnosed as being bi polar and I believe that to be some of the issues behind our marriage. She won't take medication though because they worry her and feels they make her worse. Her mother told me when she was young they actually wanted to put her on lithium. Her parents are divorced as well.

Anyways we had been married for about 2 months when her dad passed away and my wife never has truly dealt with his passing. She has a lot of regrets from them not being very close. Shortly after that we started having problems. She would accuse me of having an affair that I wasn't having and still don't really know how she got the idea that I was because I don't talk to anyone at all really. Then she started a full time job and started sleeping with a co-worker. When i found out obviously I was furious. We were apart for about 2 days and she came back and said she wanted to work it out. We tried for about a week before she finally said she was moving out and wanted a divorce. Come to find out she was actually still with the guy and wanted to be with him. I found out that was still going on from her brother. The affair ended a week later. About 2 months of being apart we decided to work on the marriage.

For about 2 years everything was great....or so I thought. I was laying on the couch and she was sitting up messing around on facebook on her laptop. I looked over and seen a post that she had up of saying I keep hoping a specific person would text me (hint the number is in my profile) and coworker comments below saying He doesn't know what he's missing! So of course I asked her about it and she said it was about a guy from work she was wanting to talk to about something that she was supposed to have talked to him earlier about but he left early that day. I forget exactly what it was she said she wanted to talk to him about but it was something that I didn't believe from the start. This happened on a Thursday.

So the next day at work she's asking me if were okay and I said yah we are. We weren't though because I knew she was lying to me. So as wrong as it is I put a keylogger on her computer to find out what was up. Uninstalled after I had her password of course. Checked her facebook and seen a post on there that said it's amazing how sometimes someone comes out of left field and catches you by surprise. I kept it to myself though. While the evidence was piling up it still wasn't enough to say without question. Weekend goes by we go out to eat and see a movie. Monday rolls around and I text her on her lunch break like normal and she starts going off on me about texting her. So she gets home and I ask her what's going on. She says she needs space. She doesn't want to separate or divorce or anything but she wants to see her friends more.

I'm ok with her hanging out with her friends what I don't like though is she goes to her friends house and they drink and she stays out all night. I told her I would rather compromise on her hanging out with them and drop her off and pick her up. She doesn't like that idea because we don't make a lot of money and her friend lives pretty far out close to my wife's job so would use a lot of gas. Roughly about a 45 minute drive. I thought it was a good compromise she gets some space,hangs out with her friend and I get the peace of mind of having her home at night. So after that I start doing my own thing around the house till dinner is ready and then spend time with her till she goes to shower and goes to bed. I often times do the cooking.

Thursday rolls around and she comes home from work and says she talked to her brother and she is going to live with him and is 95% sure she wants a divorce. That happened as soon as she got home. She says she's unhappy and misses being single and not having to worry about anyone else or having to tell someone she's going somewhere. So she leaves that night and she texts me that night saying I'm her best friend and she doesn't want to lose me in all this. after that we don't talk the rest of the weekend hardly.

Monday rolls around (2 days ago now) and she comes over and tells me she knows she wants a divorce. I said ok I won't deny you a divorce if that is for sure what you want. i asked her what she would like to happen between us. She said that I have been her best friend for so long that she would like us to remain friends at some point. I agree to that. She says she is sure she is going to have regrets eventually and I say well wait a bit to file so we can be sure. She gets ready to leave and gives me a hug and a kiss and says she will text me later that night. She does and were having a nice but brief conversation.

yesterday she texts me and says since I won't contest a divorce she is probably going to do it online because it's cheaper. I asked her if she was going to do it soon or something. She says probably next month after her and her brother move. I said wow that's quick I figured you would take some time first. She said she doesn't want to draw it out. I said ok I just think should wait a little bit first. She says i want to be alone. I don't want to be with anyone. I don't want to be married. I'm trying to do this as civil as possible. I replied back with I understand that and we haven't been uncivil yet thankfully. I respect your decision for a divorce and realize we both have done some things wrong. I just feel like should wait a bit to make sure we don't have any regrets down the road. She never text me back.

I have her cat right now because her brother is allergic but she is taking care of it for the most part as far as food goes. I text her to let her know the cat is about out of food. She texts me back I'll pick some up tomorrow. I said ok. and proceeded to text her something funny her cat did. She texts me back with I'm watching a movie

Her brother said he doesn't think she's having an affair but if she is she's hiding it pretty well. I know she stayed the weekend with someone. She had text me over the weekend when i needed something from her that she was staying with her friend for the weekend. However I also found out she had been to her brother's that Monday morning before work :/ When she told me she wanted a divorce I did bring that up to her which she told me her friend got a new car and has loved driving it so it wasn't a big deal to her to drive all the way to his house before work. I also know she stayed somewhere last night. If asked I know she would say her friend. Sounds fishy to me. I am sorry for all this text but there's been a lot that has gone on. Despite all this and maybe I'm crazy but I still want to save our marriage. I know what kind of person my wife is when she's level. I don't know for sure her bi polar is the cause behind it all but it's all I can really think of. I've been reading a self help book about applying the Last Resort Technique which is basically cutting communication and letting her come to me. What do I do? is there anything I can do? I'm trying to mentally leave her behind but it's just so hard. thank you

Last edited by hollowed454; 22nd June 2011 at 08:52 PM.
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Old 22nd June 2011, 07:55 PM   #2
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: is it possible to save and have a good marriage?

Hi hollowed,It seems that she wants you to be her friend and give her support, but doesnt want you to be her husband. Is that what you want? If it isnt then you need to say so, as she seems to want her cake(you) and eat it too(the single life and other men).
I personally think you are being far too accomodating and are actually enabling her behaviour. Maybe you need to say that either you stay married, or you get divorced and cut off all contact.
It would be extreemly hard for you to move on if you kept on seeing her.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd June 2011, 08:57 PM   #3
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Re: is it possible to save and have a good marriage?

I love my wife and we have been best friends for several years but as far as being friends after a divorce goes I think that would take time. I would need time from her to actually transition from being married to a friendship.

You might be right though. I have always held her hand a little too tight and tried to guide her in the right direction. I've always been the fixxer in our relationship when she would start a downward spiral.
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Old 23rd June 2011, 01:04 PM   #4
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: is it possible to save and have a good marriage?

Your wife seems to do adultery without any repentance Hollowed. The only way back is repentance over that and a willingness to be committed to you. I don't see that is there at all. It appears to me she wants a divorce to be free to play the field. You are really better off without her unless you want to become a doormat. Marriage cannot thrive under those circumstances.
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Old 23rd June 2011, 02:23 PM   #5
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Re: is it possible to save and have a good marriage?

Hi hollowed

I'm not sure she means it so literally? "we will be friends" to someone whom she's divorcing, may be used, just to give you a bit of soft landing out of politeness sort of thing? If your w already has someone else then, it also means, "I'm not a bad girl, we will stay friends and I'm not just dumping you" kind of thing? (she was nice enough to offer you friendship?). It can also mean her guilt of finding someone else whilst you were supposed to be her best buddy? Also, if she stays amicable with you, then her divorce would be done more smoothly e.g vested interest?
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