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Old 26th September 2011, 09:41 AM   #1
richyc
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help wife left and i wrecked my chance

cant make this short as i need to explain so bear with me because i desperately need help.

My wife and I had a lovely summer together i thought although now i see the signs. I have always drunk quite often, only at home, and it has been a big problem.

6 sept and i had some beer, wife went out and said not to be drunk when she got back. I hate the way that she is always out so I was drunk and she just gave me my pillows and went to bed. Didnt talk much on the 7th and on the 8th she told me that she was leaving and couldnt go on. She said something just snapped but it was a long time coming.

She saw how much it hurt me and that this time I had finally listened and woken up but that she has given me all the chances to change that she could. she moved out to her mums.

She had thrown herself into sports this year, was always out doing them and I filled my time with beer and my daughter. We werent really talking or showing each other much affection although I see now that she never stopped trying. She went out to escape and i would drink to punish her. She says that we drifted apart and want different things. That she loved me but wasnt sure she was in love with me anymore.

On the 10th she came and we had a nice talk, like we used to when we were younger and actually spoke to each other. We got together after she was 18 and have been married 14 years with a 7 year old daughter.

She said that because she could see the change she wasnt sure about her decision and needed time and space to sort her head out. She is having a mid life crisis. She decided to change her life this year, lost weight, got into sports, lost her job in june and doesnt know what she wants to do, met lots more people. I couldnt give her the space while it was still so raw and kept pushing and trying.

On the 18th the three of us had a lovely day out climbing and we really enjoyed talking. She was going away that night for a few days space in brecon to clear her head and do some climbing. When she left we had a nice hug and kiss and she sounded positive, that we would be ok months down the line. Untill this point she had been quite positive and even told my family that we just needed to work stuff out.

There is another issue though, she had become very close to her climbing buddy. She texted him 300 times in the 30 days before and called him for an hour the night that she left. I believe that she hasnt cheated but there is more than just chat about climbing, some emotional link and it has woken something up inside her. She lied about brecon and has never done that before, we have never lied to each other so I knew that something wasnt right.

I had a melt down while she was away. I rang the friend that she was supposed to be going with, rang another of her friends, rang the climbing buddy that I feared she was with, rang the climbing center that she was at, found and rang the hotel that she wasnt supposed to be at. She just wanted to be alone I think hence the cover story.

When she got back on 20th she was furious, said that I had made the decision for her. That we are over, the seperation is final and changed her fb status to seperated.

We talked next day and she understand why I melted down but is angry and says her decision is made.

on 22nd we talked and she said that she wants to move on, meet other people, meet other men, have a snog, be alive, and wants me to be with other women. I didnt think that I could hurt anymore but hearing that was a new low.

23nd she went away for a long weekend with the girls, something booked ages ago and called me a few times but I didnt contact her. She came around last night and we talked about her time away. I tried it on but she resisted, said that it would be too emotional and cloud her decision and feelings since she was only just getting them under control. She was the one since the beginning talking about us staying good friends - friends with benefits.

I asked and she did say that she hadnt missed me. I dont think that she has missed me at all through this and has been out constantly with friends and partying. She hasnt wanted to try at all to fix this or to take time to think about it.

She wouldnt risk any sex in case it was emotional and she wanted to come back. She is trying to completely distance herself and I feel her doing it. She says that she has made her decision and has to stick with it.

I havent touched a drop in almost 3 weeks and realised that I dont need it in anyway, I am trying to change and have realised just how much I do love her even though I had lost sight of that and thought that I didnt really.

I know that I shouldnt push and just need to be positive now, change myself and hope that the new us enjoy each other and some months down the line can sort this out. But I feel desperate, I see hope disappearing in the rear view mirror and talk of meeting new people seemed like a new step in her moving on.

I feel like I have to try now before she becomes completely detached and comfortable being single and meets someone.

I know that I need to change for me, be positive, get out and make some friends (never did before because I only needed her) and hope that sometime in the future the new her wants to try again with the new me. But letting go is so hard, especially when I see her enjoying herself so much and knowing that other men are on the horizon and she wants it.

I love her so much, wtf do I do?

Last edited by richyc; 26th September 2011 at 10:29 AM.
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Old 26th September 2011, 03:02 PM   #2
richyc
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

....and now she has had a psycic reading and he has told her that she has made the right decision.

between her mates (all seperated or desperately unhappy and living a lie) and her mum who never liked me - there is no chance
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Old 28th September 2011, 10:06 PM   #3
Njadh01
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

Hi Rich..well if it's a midlife crisis...it's probably been building for a few years. No doubt you've read up on it, so no need to go into great detail on the "symptoms".

Based on personal experience and those of others, at this time you're the devil incarnate. The entire marital history will be rewritten with you in that role. Any good about you and the marriage will be looked on as manipulation and control.

Sorry to say but if this guy she's hot on is available and has an interest (especially if it's a situation where he can push all her buttons and has emotional control) there will be at the very least an emotional affair...even if in another time she wouldn't have given him a second look.

You have to do exactly as most who have been through this thing on the left-behind side would advise - be kind, when you speak..speak softly, don't argue..walk away if this happens, but don't be doormat, don't go looking for evidence of her affair...you'll probably find one so don't bother it's wasted energy just assume there is or will be..and really it has nothing to do with you, fix everything you can about yourself, focus as much as you can on your child, avoid "relationship" talks with her. Do a 180 and don't contact her other than for anything related to the child, day-to-day household issues, etc.

She's villified you to this guy and he only has one side, and won't care about yours. But regardless of his own marital situation, and "soulmate" status, it will crash and burn. Only 3% of all affairs become marriages or long term realtionships.

Sorry I know it's tough to hear this...as I said I'm living it too. We're all brothers in this thing. However on the flipside, her danger is you do make profound changes in yourself. You're not the adulterer who bailed out on the marriage so won't carry that guilt. You didn't make the choice...or have a choice. Now you can move on without guilt and make another woman a great boy friend or husband...after going to school on the marriage.

All you can do it detach, look for the good in life, look after your physical, mental, spiritual health. In a crazy way you will find that even though this is a tremendous shock with a lot of heartbreak, it can be the most positive thing that's ever happened for your own growth. You were okay before you met your wife. You'll be okay if she leaves for good. There were things about you she fell in love with. Those things are still there, and now all the other qualities about you will come out too.

Hang in there my friend...
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Old 29th September 2011, 12:46 PM   #4
Raymond
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

I think Njad is right. She has no intention of being faithful. She is on dangerous ground. If one is looking to psychics for guidance then you can be sure she is on the wrong path.

There was a time when she wanted to be a good wife and where your drink was a big problem. You are now sorting the problem but she is moving on it seems. I think your best bet is to look to yourself and look after your daughter and let her go. She seems hellbent on this thing and wants to do adultery eventually it seems. Njad is right. You can hold your head up high as the one who has been faithful in the marriage. She has to make the decision to return. I don't think cajoling her will have any affect. So far it is only an emotional affair it seems. We can only hope she sees sense and realises you are now sorting your problems and comes back.
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Old 3rd October 2011, 12:54 AM   #5
richyc
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

Quick update, just caught her down a country lane sucking on her climbing buddy - the guy that she texted 300 times in the month before she left me.

She was cheating on me. Odd, I dont feel as angry as I thought I would. Am just glad to know that I was right and not going mad. She wont be taking me for a fool anymore but I feel bad for my daughter because I think things just got ugly
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Old 3rd October 2011, 12:20 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

Well you know what you need to do now richyc. You can't carry on like this and need to deal with her. She is being totally unfaithful as your wife and sharing the most intimate part of herself with another and no doubt trying to justify it through a psychic. This is adultery and grounds for divorce. I would make it plain to her that you want out. If she breaks down in repentance and says how sorry she is it will be up to you to judge how genuine that would be but for now you must have the courage to do what you need to do and make steps end the marriage as she is making a mockery out of it. No marriage can work with this going on. Taking her back without any repentance would set you up for being a long term doormat I am afraid and would be the wrong decision in my view.

My advice is to deal with it firmly but without hatred thereby leaving the door open for repentance just in case. Don't bank on that though. It might never come and you need to be clear and decisive here.

Last edited by Raymond; 3rd October 2011 at 12:31 PM.
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Old 3rd October 2011, 03:01 PM   #7
richyc
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

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Well you know what you need to do now richyc. You can't carry on like this and need to deal with her. She is being totally unfaithful as your wife and sharing the most intimate part of herself with another and no doubt trying to justify it through a psychic. This is adultery and grounds for divorce. I would make it plain to her that you want out. If she breaks down in repentance and says how sorry she is it will be up to you to judge how genuine that would be but for now you must have the courage to do what you need to do and make steps end the marriage as she is making a mockery out of it. No marriage can work with this going on. Taking her back without any repentance would set you up for being a long term doormat I am afraid and would be the wrong decision in my view.

My advice is to deal with it firmly but without hatred thereby leaving the door open for repentance just in case. Don't bank on that though. It might never come and you need to be clear and decisive here.
No, it is over. It has been over 3 weeks since she left and was clear that it is over now. She has moved on in her mind already.

I had to know though. If it was a new bloke then it wouldnt have mattered because we are seperated but it wasnt, it was with the bloke involved in this before the split.

I am more relieved than anything, the not knowing was the worst part.

Oddly I still think we can be good friends. What she did, the emotional affair and then physical after the split, wasnt the only reason we broke up. I see that now, we hadnt been happy for a while and she was past the point of saving it because the other guy showed up.
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Old 3rd October 2011, 03:05 PM   #8
richyc
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

also, having talked with her mum again I hear a lot of the same words coming out.

She didnt like us together. I know now why my wife was so unsure of the decision when she left but became more confident about it each day she was there.

The mother in law didnt split us up but she made sure we didnt fix it
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Old 3rd October 2011, 07:19 PM   #9
Bodysnatcher
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

Sorry to hear your situation richyc, i'm in the same position as you and the only advice i can give you is to be strong and be there for your daughter. Time everyone says is a healer. Good luck
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Old 7th October 2011, 07:56 AM   #10
richyc
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

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Sorry to hear your situation richyc, i'm in the same position as you and the only advice i can give you is to be strong and be there for your daughter. Time everyone says is a healer. Good luck
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What exactly happened? How did you catch her? How did you know where she would be? What did she say when you caught her?

The reason why you're not feeling emotional about this is you're still in shock.


Fastforward to 2 days ago - we met to discuss the bills/finances. I was ready to split everything and move on, had accepted it. But she ended up coming home for a coffee and we had a long talk, a good talk. She admitted that she had doubts, had seen a lot of change in me, liked being with me again etc etc

Last night we went climbing together and she came back for coffee and we talked again. Short version is that we are getting on really well and she has doubts and doesnt know what the future holds.

She doesnt want to go looking for new people but doesnt want to feel guilty about meeting them and doesnt want me too either because we cant put our lives on hold for months or a year to see if we get back together. Then she said that she cant think about thios right now because she is just about to start a 2 month intensive course and has to focus that she made her decision and has to stick to it for now.

And then the clincher - after her course she still wants to move out of her mums and get a place on her own. She wants to be on her own for 6 months. To me that says it all, how can you be so sure that you want to be on your own if you are unsure of your feelings or the future?

I know she has doubts but this feels like I am a safety net and if she came back having tried and failed to find a place or manage on her own then I couldnt take her back because it would only be as a last resort and not because she wanted it.

I dont want to pressure her or give a time limit but I cant wait as a safety net.
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Old 7th October 2011, 08:17 AM   #11
Raymond
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

I think you are right. I would call it a doormat. Things change when there is adultery. I can't see any repentance and she has a cheek if she thinks she can walk back in without that.
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Old 19th October 2011, 09:23 AM   #12
richyc
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

Quick update, lots has happened since and lots has been said.

She doesnt know that I know yet, but she left me on the 8th sept, moved to her mums on the 12th and spent the night with her climbing buddy on the 15th. They have been at it like rabbits since.

I was right about everything, knew it in my gut but had to get proof.

She thinks we are friends, that she is gonna get to pick and choose what she wants in the house and have me store her stuff until after xmas when she hopes to get a place of her own.

She is in for a big shock when the devorce papers go through her letter box in 3 weeks when she starts her course, and the car insurance gets cancelled and all her **** gets piled up in the driveway.

Keeping a lid on what I know for 3 weeks isnt gonna be easy but it will be so worth it - just like proving to her mum that I was right and her daughter is a cheating whore.
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Old 19th October 2011, 11:19 AM   #13
chosen
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

Rich
Its better that you know. At least you can make decisions based on the truth.Try to think calmly and rationally despite your upset and anger.
I always think that thing of 'still being friends' when one had cheated is stupid. My husband ex wanted that, to still be 'buddies', but its always best and more healthy to have a clean break, except for anything specifically to do with children, if they are young and not adults.
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Old 19th October 2011, 12:31 PM   #14
richyc
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

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Rich
Its better that you know. At least you can make decisions based on the truth.Try to think calmly and rationally despite your upset and anger.
I always think that thing of 'still being friends' when one had cheated is stupid. My husband ex wanted that, to still be 'buddies', but its always best and more healthy to have a clean break, except for anything specifically to do with children, if they are young and not adults.
You misunderstand. I feel great, this is exactly what I needed. It was the not knowing that was killing me, the wondering, the possibility of hope.

Now I can move on.

She just came round to sort through all the baby stuff and old clothes in the spare room that we had saved for our next one. She found it very hard, lots of tears but I was too angry to get upset. I held it together but must have said the word "slag" a million times in my head, lol.

I am done. She is the mother of my child but the silly selfish bitch is dead to me.
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Old 19th October 2011, 12:55 PM   #15
Raymond
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

I think you did well. Adultery breaks a marriage unless there is deep repentance which I don't see here. I think you did the right thing. The marriage didn't stand a chance with that going on.
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