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Old 31st October 2011, 08:25 PM   #16
Forever
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Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me

Given the information we have so far, it looks like he just was not ready for marriage...yet did not have any concrete reason not to just go ahead and jump in after the gambling issue was disclosed. Maybe he was getting pressure from friends or relatives to do so (after seven years of being together) and just went with the flow, or he just figured it was the "right" thing to do for YOU since he could see how much you loved him.

For him to act jealous and suspicion about you possibly cheating....actually trying very hard to catch you at it, makes me think that he has had regrets for a long time and perhaps if he could have caught you, then he would have a good reason to "pull out" of the relationship without trying to figure out the real reasons why he does not want to remain in it, even though you do.


I think his weight gain is just an indication of his unhappiness (comfort eating). He seems very emotionally immature...expecting you to "make him happy" as though you are responsible for that primarily, is not reality. Also, I am wondering if you are the one with a job you love and a greater income than he? You said he hates his job...could he be projecting that misery onto the relationship? Perhaps he feels that if he gets rid of the marriage, the house and anything else that makes him feel shackled to having to keep that job, only then can he feel good about quitting it.

May I ask your ages?

Last edited by Forever; 31st October 2011 at 08:42 PM.
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Old 1st November 2011, 11:15 AM   #17
Chamomile
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Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me

Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever View Post
Given the information we have so far, it looks like he just was not ready for marriage...yet did not have any concrete reason not to just go ahead and jump in after the gambling issue was disclosed. Maybe he was getting pressure from friends or relatives to do so (after seven years of being together) and just went with the flow, or he just figured it was the "right" thing to do for YOU since he could see how much you loved him.

For him to act jealous and suspicion about you possibly cheating....actually trying very hard to catch you at it, makes me think that he has had regrets for a long time and perhaps if he could have caught you, then he would have a good reason to "pull out" of the relationship without trying to figure out the real reasons why he does not want to remain in it, even though you do.
Hi

I have a similar view on this.

Was he ever in love with Daisy? Love is complete when both ppl loving each other but it is not exactly workable when one being in love and the other loving the other like a "friend". If he was never in love with Daisy but he wanted a relationship so that he won't get "lonely", it's not exactly a solid foundation to build any lasting relationship.

Did he ever propose to you in an earlier stage of this relationship? Some unmarried couples buy a house together whilst living as cohabitants. If that leads to a successful marriage or not, I don't know. In your case, you decided to marry after seven years in a relationship. 7 years is such a long time before deciding to marry? He wasn't exactly in a hurry to marry you?

About his gaining weight. Men do have a tendency to put on some weight when he's happy and is more relaxed once he found a mate in a secure relationship. If your h is busy with his work and is working long hours then, he might be tempted to have more "munchies" at lunch time? He might want to consider adding some exercises if he can?
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Old 1st November 2011, 11:25 AM   #18
Chamomile
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Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me

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Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
There are a lot of pointers to situation he feels very depressed about with the weight gain and depression. He feels badly and he wants to do the right thing and he does not want his wife to be unhappy. He indicates he loves her but " is not in love with her" as he was at the beginning. Sorry, But I see things differently than others.
Hi

I do value a spirit of dialogue on this site where people can listen to one another without restrictions. There is little or no point of protecting this or that idea. If any of us would entertain a fixed position, it's no longer a free dialogue and it's bound to cause a distortion ending up with a constant adversarial tendency to no good whatsoever.

It's often very insightful to read your posts. Who knows? We have had some previous examples of what you have described. It's hard to say but from what I have read so far, this man is a very quiet type..how participatory he would be in a couple therapy, I would wonder?
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Old 5th November 2011, 03:40 PM   #19
Daisy
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Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me

Thanks for all your thoughts. He was most definately in love with me when we married. It was his idea not mine. I was perfectly happy just as we were but wanted to buy a house together but we couldn't until he'd told me about the debts. We only lived together for a few months before we got married. We are both very independent and had lived on our own for years.
The reason he put on weight was from quitting smoking 60 a day! It did make him depressed that he put on so much weight.
We both earn the same wage.
I am tired of trying to come up with answers. Is it not just possible he fell out of love and being married isnt what he thought it would be, rather than there being a big secret?
By the way he is definitely not gay.
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Old 5th November 2011, 08:54 PM   #20
Forever
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Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me

No, it is highly unlikely that he could have just fallen "out of love" with you and that marriage is "just not what he thought it would be"...unless...he thought your job was to keep up a level of excitement up for him so that the thrills never quit. Then the idea of what love or marriage is for him means something entirely different than what it is in reality.

Otherwise, there is definately something going on that you are not aware of....maybe he is in denial about being depressed?
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Old 7th November 2011, 12:11 PM   #21
Chamomile
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Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me

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Originally Posted by Daisy View Post
I am tired of trying to come up with answers. Is it not just possible he fell out of love and being married isnt what he thought it would be, rather than there being a big secret?
Hi

So long as you are OK with the situation, then it's really up to you. Perhaps, you are mentally moving on and perhaps us "interfering" isn't producing any good feelings.

All the best to you
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Old 28th November 2011, 10:51 AM   #22
Joeschmo
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Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me

Hi Daisy,

I'm just checking in to see how you are doing. Your situation seemed so similar to mine. I have had the occasional good day when I have approached something like feeling happy and haven't thought about my wife at all. I guess time can be a healer, or you just get used to them not being around. I'm not saying that I don't miss her or having that special person to share my life with.

Something that helped me quite a bit was to change the flat around quite a bit especially changing the sofa where she used to sit. The flat looks less like she has popped out for a pint of milk and I'm just waiting for her to come home.

I don't understand why she left me, I probably never will, she says that she stopped loving me, so I guess I have to take that answer, and she never was one for lying. I think she stopped trying, like they say - love is a verb.

I've been trying to think of this in a positive way (hard tho) she could have stayed with me out of guilt or duty and we could have been in this situation in 5 years time and hating each other.

Just my thoughts - I know I've been banging on about my problems but I felt that they might help.

Take care.

Joe
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Old 29th November 2011, 08:28 PM   #23
Daisy
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Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me

Hi Jo. Thanks for your message. I'm glad to hear you sounding like you are coping although I'm sure like me you just wish you could wake up and find it's just a bad dream.
My situation hasn't changed. We haven't had any interest in the house and neither of us can afford to move out until it's sold so I'm sort of in limbo.
I know I can't start to move on until I have my own place.
I feel like I'm on auto pilot most of the time. Some days like today I just feel desperately sad. A colleague at work who I don't know very well but lives nearby saw the for sale board up and asked why we were moving. I broke down on the stairs at work (never a good look) and felt an idiot and then she felt terrible for asking a perfectly reasonable question.
I've been feeling very down all day since then. Having to tell people makes it real and also makes me feel like such a failure.
I know I don't deserve to be deserted like this. I'm not perfect but he clearly was never committed to our marriage when to me it was for life.
We don't argue, infect he acts pretty normally around me and is probably being more kind Nd considerate that he used to be. I'm under no illusions though that that's just guilt.
I feel the best part of my life is over. I've made a terrible mistake in marrying someone thinking they were as committed as I was.
My parents are both elderly and in bad health too and it's another massive worry to me and I have to put on a brave face to them. It hit me how alone I am now when my mum was taken into hospital a couple of weeks ago and he didn't offer to come with me when I had to rush up there in the night.
Anyway, there's my update. Not very positive I know but you asked!
Daisy
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Old 30th November 2011, 12:10 PM   #24
Joeschmo
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Re: Hearthbroken-Husband is leaving me

I'm glad to hear you sounding like you are coping - some days I am am, some days I just don't want to get out of bed. although I'm sure like me you just wish you could wake up and find it's just a bad dream. - every day, every day.

I broke down on the stairs at work (never a good look) and felt an idiot and then she felt terrible for asking a perfectly reasonable question.
I've been feeling very down all day since then. Having to tell people makes it real and also makes me feel like such a failure. - Remember its not your fault, Love is a verb, it's not something you have or are given, it's something you do and unfortunately your husband (and my wife) stopped.

I know I don't deserve to be deserted like this. - You don't. If someone believed in the realtionship enough to stand up infront of a vicar/registrar to commit to it, they should be prepared to work at it even when it's not easy.

I feel the best part of my life is over. I've made a terrible mistake in marrying someone thinking they were as committed as I was. - This was kind of the point of my last message, I have felt pretty much the same and could not see my life without Kelda, however on the days when I feel "better" I have realised that it isn't game over and I have the chance to be happy with someone else who will think I am fabulous and although I never though I would be single when I am 40 it doesn't mean I don't have many years of happiness with someone else. I doubt it'll be this year as I'm not the greatest catch at the moment. (being in love with your ex is never a great selling point) but theres many years left.

My worse days tend to happen when I have spent time with her and the good days when I have not seen her for a while, this means that it must be very very difficult in your situation and I would think that you to be able to heal there must be a way for you to seperate. I know that I could not have come as far as I have (which doesn't feel very far) if she was there at the breakfast table every day. After all, if he's leaving you, then he should leave you and stay with a friend or something.


Anyway, there's my update. Not very positive I know but you asked! - take care.[/QUOTE]
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