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Old 29th February 2012, 10:58 AM   #1
Newbie123
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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King of the castle

Hi everyone,
As you can see I'm new to this site and after reading some of your threads I'm feeling that my problem is rather insignificant in comparison, but I'm hoping to find some answers and I figure you're the best people to ask.

My problem in a nut shell is that my husband has what I call 'King of the castle syndrome' don't get me wrong, he's never been violent or even particularly agressive, but he just has this constant air of superiority about him, in the way he speaks to us and particularly in his body language.

The bottom line is that I don't want my daughter to grow up feeling like a second class citizen or perceiving that this is acceptable behaviour in a loving relationship.

I have tried to address this issue in the past but failed miserably. How do you explain to someone that it's their body language that's the issue for example take the question "what's wrong with you?" if this question is asked by someone who is physically on a similar level, with concerned facial expression and quiet tone to their voice and wait for an answer, this gives the impression that someone is asking because they care.
- However when the same question is asked by someone who is standing over you with hands on hips, frowning screwed up face using a very loud clipped, irritated voice, it has a completely different meaning. BUT, if I tried to address this scenario his reply would be "all I said was what's wrong with you!" (in a condescending tone with eyes raised to the ceiling and a dismissive turn away from me)

I don't know if he feels superior because he's the main bread winner or what, but I've tried everything I can think of over decades with no avail. Basically there are no consequences for this behaviour. I really don't want the relationship to end but I feel like I've failed myself (as I have virtually no self respect left), failed my daughter by not being able to supply her with the appropriate life skills to deal with such situations and and failed in my marriage by not being able to solve this.

As I said, I fully appreciate that my problem is insignificant compared to other threads, but if anyone has any suggestions it'd be really good to hear from you

Thanks for taking the time.
Newbie123
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Old 29th February 2012, 11:13 AM   #2
Helen_uk
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Posts: 1,531
Re: King of the castle

You hit the nail on the head N123, there are no consequences for him.

Here's what I think you need to do.

Next time he uses body language to show superiority , turn and face him, say in a quiet voice " Would you like to repeat that with a little more respect in your tone ? " .

If he does, then fine. If he doesn't then stand up , walk away and say " When you're ready to talk to me with some respect, I'm ready to listen " .

Refuse to engage in conversation with him if he isn't being respectful. The only way he'll learn to treat you with respect is if you demand it .
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Old 29th February 2012, 01:35 PM   #3
Newbie123
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Thumbs up Re: King of the castle

Hi Helen,

Thanks so much for your advice. This sounds like a good way to deal with the situation without confrontation!

I'll give it a try and let you know!
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Old 29th February 2012, 01:55 PM   #4
Helen_uk
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Re: King of the castle

Good luck N123, you need to be firm I think but use a quiet , firm voice... pretty much as you would do with a child !

You're right, your daughter doesn't need to see this kind of behaviour , it will be good for both of you if your H learns some boundaries in how to treat women .
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