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Old 28th January 2012, 10:03 AM   #1
Sigh
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Unhappy How do I move on?

Hello

Just joined to post this, please be gentle with me as I am not in a good place at the moment!

I am 47 and my wife 35, we've been married for 8 years and lived together for 2 years before that. She is a recovering alcoholic and over the last couple of years her "need" for me in her life has reduced. I feel that the AA recovery system has caused this (I am proud of her achievement in this area) along with advice she has received from others in AA. We were very good friends for a couple of years before marrying and I don't really know whether she loved me at all, or married me in the hope that she may get some feelings for me.

Things hadn't been good for some time and came to a head on 28 Dec, leading to us removing our wedding rings on New Year's Day (great start to the year). Due to redundancy I have been unemployed since October so she is staying at home most of the week for commuting and I stay there, alone, on Saturday nights. Probably through guilt she says my savings (far more than hers) and pension will remain mine and we are sorting out a Deed of Separation through solicitors. We are staying amicable and in time will be friends again, but not in a hurry.

It is now 3 weeks since I moved out and if anything I feel worse than I did at first. I am now on anti-depressants but am full of thoughts that somehow she'll ask me to move back in again - my head knows that this won't happen, but my heart just won't let go. I am struggling to keep any interest in things I was interested in before and am having to live with, and dump my thoughts on, my mother who is in her 80s and doesn't need this.

Half of my thoughts are about wanting to be back with my wife, and half are a fear of never being with anyone ever again. I am a naturally quiet and slightly introverted person, until I get to know someone, and can only see the move in with my mother becoming permanent and a life ahead by myself. I've been seeing a counsellor and had hoped for some form of local support group but cannot find anything, so am posting here.

I guess these are thoughts that loads of people have on separation, but I just don't know where to go from here.
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Old 28th January 2012, 12:11 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: How do I move on?

Marriage isnt about need, its about committment and love and putting the other first. What are her reasons for wanting the marriage to end? As far as I can see she has no reason to break the promises that she made at your wedding.Where is the 'for better and for worse?' You have supported her through awful times, and it seems she is abandoning you now she feels better.
Have you tried some long term good marriage counselling?

If she is determined that it is over, go onto the website called drw.com. There are divorce recovery workshops all over the place,and you dont have to actually be divorced either to attend.
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Old 28th January 2012, 12:23 PM   #3
bandit0000
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Re: How do I move on?

Hi Simon,

So sorry you find yourself in this situation, as you know I am at the same point as you.

So so hard I know, the people on here are fantastic and have helped me through my darkest days. Counselling, yes I am having that and it does help to talk, but the fantastic people on here have lived and breathed what we are going through at this moment and will advise and support you.

I know all you think about and want is her, I know you are scared you will be on your own forever, I know you want your life back. I know how hard it is to get up everyday, this must be even harder for you if you're not working as work has been my life line where I can feel normal. I know how hard it is and live in the hope that one day soon I will see some light, as will you.

I'm sorry its not quite clear, is this a decision you both came to? Do you feel its something you can seek help together for or is she just not interested?

Keep posting, we will look after you.

Lisa xxx
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Old 28th January 2012, 12:27 PM   #4
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Re: How do I move on?

Thanks for your reply.

She is determined that it is over, she has said about having time to herself for "head space" and thinking about what she wants - but has probably just said that to soften the blow for me.

I feel that she may never have fully fully loved me, that see possibly wanted me but that she really needed me. Now she is so far into her AA recovery the need element has gone, and there is little else. I have always been committed to her but the last couple of years have seen her committment to me vanish. Her guilt is shown in the offer of me keeping my savings.

The AA way is to concentrate on yourself and that is what she is now doing. One area that is difficult is that while I (a 47 year old man) am in tears she comes across as totally matter of fact and its almost like she is enjoying seeing my pain. I lot of the support I gave her through alcoholism isn't appreciated as the AA way is to view it that I was helping her to drink by covering up for her - I should have let her get on with it and face the consequences herself.

We had 6 sessions at Relate in 2010 but I feel that her mind was already closed to a relationship with me, so anything I did was doomed to fail.
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Old 28th January 2012, 12:36 PM   #5
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Re: How do I move on?

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Originally Posted by bandit0000 View Post
I'm sorry its not quite clear, is this a decision you both came to? Do you feel its something you can seek help together for or is she just not interested?
Thanks Lisa

It was her that made the decision but I guess we both knew that things had been bad for sometime. She is two and a half years sober and its been the last two years where things have gone bad. There was nothing sexual between us throughout the whole of last year and even the kisses became more like pecks.

A few months ago her main AA mentor told her to call an end to the marriage once she had the strength to do so. I don't think she had reached that point, but a stress between us blew everything up and things were at an end.

Not only have I lost my wife, I have also lost my best friend and she was pretty much my only friend. Having been made redundancy I have no work colleagues to turn to. I've been seeing a counsellor for self-esteem issues for a few months but those sessions have recently become an opportunity for me to off-load things, yet I don't get rid of them.

Simon
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Old 28th January 2012, 12:40 PM   #6
bandit0000
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Re: How do I move on?

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Originally Posted by Sigh View Post
Thanks for your reply.

She is determined that it is over, she has said about having time to herself for "head space" and thinking about what she wants - but has probably just said that to soften the blow for me.

I feel that she may never have fully fully loved me, that see possibly wanted me but that she really needed me. Now she is so far into her AA recovery the need element has gone, and there is little else. I have always been committed to her but the last couple of years have seen her committment to me vanish. Her guilt is shown in the offer of me keeping my savings.

The AA way is to concentrate on yourself and that is what she is now doing. One area that is difficult is that while I (a 47 year old man) am in tears she comes across as totally matter of fact and its almost like she is enjoying seeing my pain. I lot of the support I gave her through alcoholism isn't appreciated as the AA way is to view it that I was helping her to drink by covering up for her - I should have let her get on with it and face the consequences herself.

We had 6 sessions at Relate in 2010 but I feel that her mind was already closed to a relationship with me, so anything I did was doomed to fail.
Mmmmm, its a hard one, seems this AA thing obviously is all about her (which is maybe what it needs to be to help her with that addiction), but in essence has made her selfish to your needs?

She has said she needs head space and I would take that at face value (for now), my H never said that to me and left me in no doubt he didn't want me. So I would say at least for now just accept that. I have been there with the crying thing and they do seem so cold to you, I really don't understand how they can, but feel they have the shutters down to everyone's feelings but their own to enable them to cope and be able to do what they are doing. Its really horrible to see that blank coldness in their face where you used to see caring.

Its early days yet, obviously she has a lot of problems, I know you feel she doesn't need you now and understand you questioning if she ever loved you, have you asked her this?

She is too tied up in herself at the moment I'm afraid and I hope she realises what she is losing. xx
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Old 28th January 2012, 12:45 PM   #7
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Re: How do I move on?

Try to find one of those drw groups near you. I went to one many years ago after my 23 year marriage ended and it was helpful. It will be all people like you, and they are run by those who are themselves divorced and who want to help others.
There is hope for the future. I know that you cant see that now. Both my husband and I had long first marriages, 23 and 25 years, that ended badly. My husbands ex met another man and divorced him. I thinks she was mad to let such a good guy go. We met in our late 40's and have been happily married for over 6 years. There is life after divorce, and it can be a much better and happier one. Not much comfort now, but take one step at a time, spend time every day looking for work on line. Do things, dont sit around thinking too much, keep active. Write here or in a journal.
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Old 28th January 2012, 12:45 PM   #8
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Re: How do I move on?

Why would her AA mentor tell her to end her marriage ? Is this a man or a woman ?

In general, people don't end marriages for no reason at all, and on here we often see this kind of thing happening when a third person is lurking somewhere in the back ground. If that's the case ( and people often don't find this out straight away ) then it makes any chance of reconciliation much more unlikely.

I'm really sorry you are having to go through this , it's especially hard when you're at a low point anyway.

My advice would be to look after yourself at this point , continue with some good quality counselling, put your efforts into finding work and rebuilding your self esteem .

I would also be wary of maintaining a friendship with your W at this point unless you feel deep down there is a chance of reconciliation and you know for sure there is nobody else involved. It is very much harder to recover from a break up of marriage if you are in constant contact with them.
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Old 28th January 2012, 12:54 PM   #9
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Re: How do I move on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sigh View Post
Thanks Lisa

It was her that made the decision but I guess we both knew that things had been bad for sometime. She is two and a half years sober and its been the last two years where things have gone bad. There was nothing sexual between us throughout the whole of last year and even the kisses became more like pecks.

A few months ago her main AA mentor told her to call an end to the marriage once she had the strength to do so. I don't think she had reached that point, but a stress between us blew everything up and things were at an end.

Not only have I lost my wife, I have also lost my best friend and she was pretty much my only friend. Having been made redundancy I have no work colleagues to turn to. I've been seeing a counsellor for self-esteem issues for a few months but those sessions have recently become an opportunity for me to off-load things, yet I don't get rid of them.

Simon
Gosh this AA have a lot to answer for, but I guess you don't know what she has said to them.

Simon, you are going to have to come on here ok, I can't tell you how much help I have gotten, truly, I hate to think what I would have done. Its going to be even harder getting back into work feeling how you are and I am sure some of the other people on here may offer some advice in that area.

The sexual thing was probably because of the issues you were going through, obviously if there are issues then that is not going to be the first thing on your mind.
Is she aware of how you feel now and how upset you are, I wrote a letter, well a poem really to my H, it didn't make a difference to my H as un be known to me he already had someone else, but I felt I had said what I needed to and was happy he knew how I felt, no matter what he chose to do with it.

I know what you mean about the counselling, so far thats all I have found you get to talk, but the situation still stays the same, although they should be able to offer us coping strategies.

Do you have any other family or is there just your Mum?

Its a horrible situation ok, I am a couple of weeks ahead of you, but it is a rollercoaster. Try keep yourself busy and always force yourself to get up, get dressed etc, it really does make you feel a bit better.
Staying in bed will make you so much worse, everytime I do it I have a really really bad day.

So sorry you are going through this, some people do not know when they are on to a good thing xx
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Old 28th January 2012, 01:04 PM   #10
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Re: How do I move on?

Thanks for the replies, I'll try to reply to the 3 that are there as I start typing....


Alcoholism is a very selfish illness, in her case when things got stressed she'd turn to drink and keep all her feelings within herself - disappearing for hours and overnight a couple of times. The recovery programme ("steps") is also very selfish in that she concentrates on herself and her inner strength to deal with things. Her mentor ("sponsor") is female, I think it has to be same sex. She has said that she had become a more positive person whereas I was negative, but she has also told me that she doesn't love me. The most she'd ever really say on the subject in the past was that she loved me in "her own little way" - I always felt that she expected a heart-pounding Mills and Boon type feeling.

I don't think that there is anyone else - a couple of years ago she did get friendly with another AA person but cut contact with him in order to concentrate on making the marriage work. My head pretty much knows that its all over, but my heart just won't let go. I keep hoping for a text or email to say I cam move back in.

I've looked at the drw website but the map isn't loading on my laptop. I see there is a residential one in Devon which is an area I know well (but don't live there) but its too far ahead to know about my job situation.

I do have big feelings of being a failure, mainly because I have done nothing wrong and never wanted or expected thsi to happen - even though its been likely for some time. I felt that I was waiting for her to "get better" and now that she has, she doesn't want me.
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Old 28th January 2012, 01:12 PM   #11
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Re: How do I move on?

Replying to Lisa above mine.

I will always be proud of her for beating the drink (to date), but as I said I won't get gratitude from her for what I did.

I don't have anyone else in the family to turn to. My brother and I have never got on and there was no concern when my mum told them. My sister reached decree absolute two weeks ago, in her case her H just decided he didn't want to be with her. I am going through much the same as she did and still is, but she isn't the sort to support me in the way I feel I need to.

My brother in law had been more of a brother to me than my brother is, but I won't turn to him due to the pain he has caused my sister. I have a cousin on his third marraige so spoke to him, but his advice was more legal than the emotional support that I want.

I am mananging to read, almost obsessively at times! And I am keeping with getting up by 8:30 at the latest so its not a shock to the system if I get a job. I had 3 months off sick years ago and know the trap you can fall into. But a short trip in the car the other day ended with me driving in tears when mum suggested we travel further but I said I just didn't want to.

Just finding this forum has helped a bit, I've been looking for weeks but only found it today.

Last edited by Sigh; 28th January 2012 at 01:23 PM.
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Old 28th January 2012, 06:05 PM   #12
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Re: How do I move on?

Sorry, I'm posting again just to get frustration off my chest. Due to the situation with my brother and him visiting my mother, I have to spend Saturday nights in our flat. And it is so lonely I can't help but feel that I should be here with my wife, not stuck in alone trying to kill time until about 10pm. I live in a town centre but wouldn't go wandering anywhere by myself, even if I had the confidence to do so!

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Try to find one of those drw groups near you.
Thanks for the info chosen, I've sent an enquiry.
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Old 29th January 2012, 11:33 AM   #13
bandit0000
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Re: How do I move on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sigh View Post
Sorry, I'm posting again just to get frustration off my chest. Due to the situation with my brother and him visiting my mother, I have to spend Saturday nights in our flat. And it is so lonely I can't help but feel that I should be here with my wife, not stuck in alone trying to kill time until about 10pm. I live in a town centre but wouldn't go wandering anywhere by myself, even if I had the confidence to do so!



Thanks for the info chosen, I've sent an enquiry.
I understand how you feel, as I am left in the marital home with all the memories it brings. That is a shame you feel turfed out on Saturdays.

Would have thought your Sister may have been more help to you as she has just gone through it and must know how you feel, can you speak to her and ask for help/support. Sometimes people need a little push.

I feel for you I really do as I know how hard it has been for me with all the support I have had from family and friends, so know it must be a lot harder for you.

I think Chosen's advice it spot on, I don't really know what that group is? But if it gets you support in person then all the better.

How are you feeling today, has your W been in touch? xx
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Old 29th January 2012, 12:27 PM   #14
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Re: How do I move on?

My sister's divorce involves her ex buying the house and she is panicking about where she'll be living (possibly moving in with mum as well!). Sadly most of her emails (she still gets upset on the phone - like me she didn't want it to happen to her) are about her and her problems and a couple of times I've had to stop replying because she has taken no notice of my problems! Don't get me wrong, she isn't a bad person its just that she is too wrapped up sorting herself out at the moment.

We are selling our flat and I have spoken to my W on the phone today as we've had an offer of less than we agreed our target was. She wants to push for the extra but I am certain they won't go up and want to take it. In the end I said that I need to sell the place in order to start to move on, and I even offered to pay her half the difference in order to sell it. She will speak to the agent and see if they think we'd get anymore from them, but she said she will now accept it if its the best we'll get.

The fact that we may have found a buyer has lifted me a bit, plus me being slightly more "matter of fact" when we discussed the offer also did me good. And I'm back from the flat, I don't want to be at mum's but its better than the flat at the moment. Hope you are doing ok? Your input has helped me too.

This is the link for the workshops, I'll see what extra information they can give me, the nearest course to me is a few weeks off. www.drw.org.uk

Thanks again for replying
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Old 2nd February 2012, 12:52 PM   #15
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Re: How do I move on?

Time for a quick update.

We've accepted an offer on the flat so hopefully when it has sold we'll be cutting quite a few ties.

Daft as it sounds we met for the afternoon yesterday, lunch out and a film at the cinema. It was purely friendship between us, we started as friends before any relationship started, so it was like going back 12 or so years. On the way back to mum's afterwards I realised that I am now missing her far more as a friend than anything else.

Although I am a little bit deflated today I do feel that yesterday helped me. While I could still be attracted to her, her "attitude" towards me only showed friendship and I can live with that. When the flat is sold there will be far less need to keep in touch and that period should mean the friendship will survive after perhaps a few months gap. Maybe I am starting to feel that we should never have got married in the first place.

I still have loads of mixed up feelings in my head - I want something or someone else now, not for any form of revenge but because I miss that companionship.
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