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Old 5th April 2012, 04:03 PM   #1
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Unhappy He said I'm not in love with you anymore

I'm new to this. My H and I have been together almost 8 years. Married for almost 5 years. So it came as a shock to me the other night when he told me he was no longer in love with me. He said he still cares for me a great deal and didn't want to hurt me so he put off telling me for a few months. I am still completely in love with my husband. He knows this. He thought if he had time to process his feelings it would help, before he told me. So far his processing hasn't worked, so he mentioned getting his own place. He wants to stay friends, which I do too, though I want more then that of course. I told him that I don't want to jump to getting divorced. I would be okay with a separation, time for him to process without seeing me everyday. We are both scared. I know this is a long prayer request, I am a very detailed person. Anyway, I would like prayers for guidance, peace, happiness, as we are both depressed over this situation we have found ourselves in etc. Any other prayers you could think of would also be appreciated. Thanks Em
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Old 5th April 2012, 04:38 PM   #2
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Re: He said I'm not in love with you anymore

Dear A..

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. What a pile of garbage for a married man to say he wants "to process things and remain friends!" That sounds to me like the cop-out of a man with another woman sitting in the wings. He isn't man enough to tell you what are his real problems. Sounds like he has itchy feet to play single again!

Listen, once you agree to separate it is ALL over. You need some truth here. You should confront him to be honest about what is REALLY going on. Does he not like the way you clean house? IS there not enough sex? What is his beef? Do yourself a favor and cause a huge stinking fuss so he gets real and tells you the truth. You should know whether he is a real rat or not, because it sounds to me that he is doing some slithery face-saving not to tell you what is truth. Now is the time you snoop, check his PC and see if he is living a double life.

That is sure better than walking into the sunset, while he tells you he just needs space. If this marriage has any chance to survive, there needs to be conversation about what makes him want to go single again.... so you can fix it...or not. This calm acceptance does not offer any help to make a life with or without him. Passion, dear, where it it? You are NOT friends and will never be friends. You are lost if there is no passion about this situation.

Do NOT want to be OK with a separation! If you don't have the passion to fight to keep your marriage intact and change what is wrong, or find out what you both need to do to fix it, then you have wasted the 8 years you have been together! If there is no passion about this marriage, then it is true maybe it is done. Do you understand what I am trying to tell you?

You must get outside the shell of you and emote and find some answers. Maybe that is the problem! No passion. I hope I don't hurt your feelings, but I wonder if this situation dosen't spark you to be DARN angry and to fight for your marriage?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 5th April 2012 at 09:40 PM.
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Old 5th April 2012, 07:27 PM   #3
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: He said I'm not in love with you anymore

There is truth in what 1okgal says Emma. At least on here where we have read that speech (quite a famous speech now) 90% of the time there is another person on the scene who has affected how one feels about their spouse. If there was real committment one wouldn't worry about going through areas where the feelings were not there for some reason. They soon come back when we love on purpose because we have made a covenant to that person to love them.

I am hoping it is some other problem and that you are in the 10% and that there is another reason for this. If there is it needs to be talked about as 1okgal suggests. Sometimes these seperations are opportunities to pursue a life outside of marriage. If there are problems the best way is to work through them together while together. Does he have the will to do that? Love is part of giving people space. One shouldn't need to live somewhere else should they?

I will pray for you that you will have the strength to find your way in these circumstances and that you will know what is actually going on, whether he is speaking the truth or not. Keep your antenna up as 1okgal expressed. There could be something going on at work, on the mobile or on the internet.
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Old 5th April 2012, 08:17 PM   #4
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Re: He said I'm not in love with you anymore

Yes Emma I agree with the above 2 answers. Its highly likely that he has another love interest. When married people meet someone else, they mistake the lust/excitment/fantasy for REAL love, and so conclude that the love they feel for their spouse cant be real love. Of course they are wrong, because that feeling will pass too with the new partner, and then presumably they will begin looking for yet another person to find that initial excitment of a new relationship.TRUE love is love that lasts and carries on in the ups and downs of life.

You asked for prayer, so I am wondering if you are both Christians. If you are then go together to see the pastor about this, although its unlikely that he will want to go, because he has probably already made his mind up what he will do, and wont want to be told that he cant do it.
He has no reason to leave or divorce you at all. Only 5 years ago he made promises to be with you for the rest of your lives. A marriage is not based on feelings, but on faithfullness and committment. Dont agree to any of it, say that you dont agree to a seperation, and ask him outright to be totally honest, because I suspect that he isnt telling you the truth. Of course he will probably deny it even if anything is going on, and then you may need to turn detective on him, and check his pc, phone etc.

If you dont agree to a divorce, then he cant divorce you until you have been seperated for 5 years, unless he uses 'unreasonable behaviour'. But as you havent done anything such as adultery or abuse, then he has no reason to do that. Stop being so accomodating and fight for the marriage.

Men rarely want to move out unless they have someone else, because the fact is that they hate being alone.

Last edited by chosen; 6th April 2012 at 07:13 AM.
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Old 5th April 2012, 09:59 PM   #5
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Re: He said I'm not in love with you anymore


Absolutely DEAD ON great advise. Her "acceptance" of his bull bothers the heck out of me! If somebody tells me it is over or "he needs to process something," I'd be tearing the house apart to find the "smoking gun" of an affair or internet activities while he explores his "wild child."

On the other side, if a partner did not have passion about a man who says he wants to separate, he may feel she doesn't love him. Maybe a man can feel he is a convenience who pays the bills and there is little emotion in that marriage? That's right this wife should agree to nothing and stand her ground. If it means he gets out of a 5 year marriage that easy she needs to tell him he better make other plans.

This man owes her more truth than what he is putting out there. She should be checking on every aspect of his life when he is not at home. It is also true internet connections break up a huge percentage of marriages today. There is either porn or a secret found friend out there. We hear that here all the time.

Why would a woman ask so little for herself as this situation? Em, you deserve so much more.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 7th April 2012 at 05:56 AM.
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marriage crisis, prayers, separation

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