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Old 22nd February 2012, 11:34 AM   #1
tonyw
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really messed up

i have really messed up , really dont know what to do .
married for 24 years, 2 grown up kids. have an business .

a bit on my personality i would have said arrogent,selfish competitive, confident and done well in my business.

well 2 1/2 years ago i met this women through work, she really got my attention due to her work and we started having coffee with each other which turned to lunch, we constantly were on the phone , texting messaging and it got to an emotional attachment to such an extent that fantasies were being discussed .
her husband read the messages and all hell blow up but we still saw each other. we continued talking and seeing each other and became more determined .
this continued a year and last year my wife saw the messages and more intensed messages , i kept telling her i havent had an affair and this was all work (as i employed that woman to work for me as my accountant )
my wife did not believe me and kept asking me to get rid of that woman
the more my wife tried the worse i became.

last monday i was with the other woman in a hotel room and my wife turned up.
i realised that moment i only and really love my wife, seeing her turn up and seeing how much i have hurt her is killing me.
my wife has techincally kicked me out of the house and now i am in holland in my apartment .
i really dont know what to do .
i know i am a nasty person ,i know i deserve this, i know i am wrong

i have broken away from that woman, have not talked to her again , she has left work . so everything my wife wanted me to do i have done but its too late .

i am talking to my wife on the phone every moment i can , i trying hard to tell her i love her and i made a mistake and would never do so .
i am lost without my wife she was my first love and only love

she want me to prove it her i want , how do i do that ?
i am trying but she considers it as meanless words .

i just want to be back with her
she says it will take time and she dont want to see me because she sees the other woman with me

what can i do
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Old 22nd February 2012, 01:23 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: really messed up

You have broken her trust Tony and this will take a lot to build up again. It is up to you to do that. Trust always takes the longest to build up but can be broken the quickest. She will feel betrayal.

No quick fix there. You will have to prove it over the months until she can forgive and eventually trust you again. Your repentance is a good start. She will need to feel the proof that you love her and it is up to you to find ways of doing that.
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Old 22nd February 2012, 01:31 PM   #3
tonyw
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Re: really messed up

how does one show proof,
isnt it proof i want her by getting rid of the other woman
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Old 22nd February 2012, 04:17 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: really messed up

When you have secretly had another woman for 2 1/2 years,and have been lying, cheating and decieving, you cant expect your wife to just have you back just because you have, at last, done the right thing by stopping it. Remember that you only stopped when you were caught in the act. You didnt stop because you knew it was wrong. IF she hadnt caught you, it would still have been going on now.

As Raymond says, building up that trust again can take years and years, and some can never trust again. I think you are very fortunate that your wife even wants anything to do with you after this, so be grateful for that and be very very patient, as she may need a very long time to decide what she wants to do. If she does decide that she wants to stay with you, think yourself very blessed, but she may want and need to see over a long period of time that you can stay away from this woman and other women before she has you back. The shock of finding you two together like that must have been immense and traumatic. The deep wound of betrayal will take a long time to heal.

In the meantime start setting yourself strict boundaries with the opposite sex, to avoid this ever happening again. Never ever go out for coffee, a meal, or anything else alone with another lady. If you have to work with a lady, make sure that you are around others and that you never take it further than as work colleagues. Dont discuss personal matters.Keep it all focused on work only.

Last edited by chosen; 22nd February 2012 at 05:51 PM.
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Old 22nd February 2012, 04:38 PM   #5
1aokgal
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Re: really messed up

Tonyw,

You got caught in the act so now you want to go back like nothing ever happened! You were deceitful, and broke trust. That went on for years and you have a lot to atone for. Why do you think she should trust you now. That is very sad.

There is another area that didn't seem to occur to you. Today there are huge lawsuits against employers who mix with another on the job. She could have sued you for sexual harrassment and cleaned out everything you own with a judgmet against you. It is a simple "he said, she said" that she could claim you coerced her to have sexual relations with you or she would lose the job. You say "she has left the job." If you terminated her, then you might still have cause to look over your shoulder for awhile.

You did what you wanted to do in a selfish, uncaring way. I think many women married to a man who ended up in a motel with an employee would call it over. If she ever takes you back, it will only be after you show a lot of repentence and that she can believe you won't do this again. That must have been an ugly scene, and not something she would soon forget.

You didn't do this in a bubble and others who worked for you probably had you as a topic of conversation. Others were aware of the coffees and meetings, so your avtivities may have gotten back to your wife through someone who passed that on. It would be very difficult for your wife to forget all that. Don't try to sweep this under the rug and spend time to let her know your feelings. Then you respect her space and the time she needs to heal.
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Old 23rd February 2012, 07:57 AM   #6
tonyw
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Re: really messed up

thank you for the replies and yes you all are right in what you say . yes i m in rush to be forgiven and taken back , i just dont want her to be alone, i just want to be there to take everything she can throw at me. i feel so sick in what i have done .
i need help here she is asking in detail what went on between me and the other woman what we spoke about during and after , what was the other woman like , what was wrong with her etc
how do i answer theses questions dammed if i do and dammed if i dont it seems

how can knowing everything help the healing process
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Old 23rd February 2012, 08:43 AM   #7
1aokgal
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Re: really messed up

Tonyw..

I say this in great sincerity, keep your mouth shut about the details. That would double the pictures she has in her head. It would confirm you as she imagines and some ugly pcitures. No amount of cleaning that up is going to make hearing the details better for her. Neither will it help for you to demean the woman involved by blaming her sexuality, enticements or persuasions as to why you made the bad choices all that time. Be a gentlemen and say little and just tell her you did a terrible lack in judgment and learned a bitter lesson.

Don't put a number on the times together and don't paint a picture.

If it costs you a longer time for her to forgive you for withholding information, it will still spare you both years of rehashing the details in future. I never asked my husband to give me numbers or details about women in his life. He was smart enough to realize it was best if he glossed over the details and just stated some facts. I never told him my history, but the bare facts. I was not going to discuss that with him either. It was not necessary to share intimate information. We did not build on the bones of yesterday.

In this case, your wife learned you lack integrity or moral judgment . In order to change that view is going to take a lot of regret and atonement on your part. You don't need to paint her a picture of what she suspects or dreads to know. Turn that around, you would not want to hear that about her in a same situation. Regardless of what she says, it would be your second biggest regret about this sad story.

You have sincere sorrow about the hurt you have given her. She needs time (and space) to heal and work through this event. You are probably her least favorite person about now so I would do some nice things without asking for a return in favors as helping her at the house or something, but don't crowd if she prefers not to see you for awhile.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 23rd February 2012 at 07:18 PM.
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Old 23rd February 2012, 08:50 AM   #8
tonyw
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Re: really messed up

1aokgal,
thank you for that advice i will follow it , i really needed someone telling me to keep my mouth shut
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Old 23rd February 2012, 09:01 AM   #9
tonyw
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Re: really messed up

so stressed , she just came off the phone demanding she want to know details and that she has a right to know ,

is there anyone that specialises in this type of situation that i could talk to really do need guidance.
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Old 23rd February 2012, 10:06 AM   #10
Sillyman
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Re: really messed up

Tony,

If you want to make this right, you have to open up and tell her everything.

No secrets, nothing held back. The whole story.

There is no way around it. And I think she does deserve to know so she can make her mind up.

You can't hide it away any more.

SM
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Old 23rd February 2012, 10:47 AM   #11
tonyw
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Re: really messed up

i know i have made a mistake , i accept i did wrong , but telling everything wouldnt that mean when i go back with her , how do i explain this .
if i tell everything that happened between me and the other party and we get back together where do i stand.
will she then use this on me when ever she wants .
if i am in bed with her and i have told her everything ,how will i be able to touch her because she will say you did this to the other woman .

i want her to forgive me but not control me
i dont want to be blackmailed by this
i want to be strong not weakened

am i making sense or am i just going down the wrong path
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Old 23rd February 2012, 12:32 PM   #12
MC123
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Re: really messed up

Tony,
How do you expect your W to trust you again, without you telling evrything. If you are really sorry and repentant, you wouldn't even be thinking about what your W does with the information. It takes a lot more strength and courage to be completely truthful than to withhold. Answer your W questions with honesty, love and commitment to her. Anything else, and you will not be able to move on completely in the future. Sorry to sound a bit blunt.
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Old 23rd February 2012, 01:10 PM   #13
Raymond
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Re: really messed up

I agree with MC wholeheartedly. Real repentance casts itself on her mercy and real forgiveness will not hold it over you or keep bringing it up once it is truly forgiven. You do seem to have repentance which is an essential start. If she asks you should tell. You have to give up your rights for a while until she forgives. Without that forgiveness you do not have a marriage, even if you are together again. You are not really in a position to dictate anything so you need to open up and tell her all the truth she needs to know.
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Old 23rd February 2012, 02:07 PM   #14
Helen_uk
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Re: really messed up

When someone has been unfaithful then the partner sometimes NEEDS to know ALL the gory details , and sometimes they don't want to hear anything about it at all.

In my case I needed to know everything . I couldn't carry on not knowing.

You have to take your cue from your wife. If she's asking to know everything, then I think you have to tell her . She maybe feels as I do that she can't forgive you unless she knows everything that happened.

You can't rush this, you can't put a time limit on it. It's not your ball game any more and you don't call the shots .

If you're already thinking along the lines of being " blackmailed " and " controlled " then I question whether what you're feeling is remorse for the act of cheating, or remorse at the act of being found out. ...

You ask how you can prove that you love your wife and that the affair is over . Show her by being totally open and honest , account for your whereabouts, leave your phone in the open ... for as long as it takes for her to feel she can trust you.

You've cheated . How is your wife to be expected to take your word for it that it isn't on-going or that you won't cheat again ?

Broken trust isn't mended with a few words or in a few days .
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Old 23rd February 2012, 02:23 PM   #15
chosen
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Re: really messed up

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sillyman View Post
Tony,

If you want to make this right, you have to open up and tell her everything.

No secrets, nothing held back. The whole story.

There is no way around it. And I think she does deserve to know so she can make her mind up.

You can't hide it away any more.

SM
I absolutely agree with this. There may be people who wouldnt want to know, but if she is a person like myself, she needs to know the full details and she needs you to be 100% honest for her to process the information and come to terms with it. If you refuse to say anything, she may well wonder why, and her imaginings may well be even worse than what actually happened. Yes she does have a right to know, yes it will hurt her, but you need to answer all of her questions. No more secrets and no more deception. She needs to know that she can trust you to tell her the truth from now on, so begin now.

I also agree with Helen nd MC, complete honesty is what is needed. Whatever she asks you, you answer.So what if she may use it in the future, that isnt for you to be concerned about. Its actually a very selfish thing to be thinking about at this time, how this will effect you! Yes she may, but how is she to know if she can stay with you or forgive you at some point, if she doesnt even know what she is forgiving? You need to do all that you can to rebuild that trust, and hiding things isnt going to do that.
Whataver she wants to know you tell her. Will you loose her? Maybe but thats the risk you take when you cheat.

Last edited by chosen; 23rd February 2012 at 02:31 PM.
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