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Old 10th October 2013, 04:05 PM   #46
Roses
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Hi UL

How long has your STBX known this OW?

Has he always been faithful to you over the years? Has he had any (innocent or suspicious) traveling away from home or "away overnight in a hotel" (with his male friends) situation?

Did you share a joint account together? Did you also get to see his credit card statements? Or "his" money related info is strictly personal available only to himself? He does come across as a very private man who wants to keep his "business" to himself though of course, I may be wrong here..

If he had moved in with this OW, eventually, the same thing may happen to this woman sooner or later as well.
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Old 10th October 2013, 06:10 PM   #47
Unloved
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Hi Roses,

They work together but I only started hearing her name two years before he left. I heard it more and more over the two years. First it was 'a lady at work' then it was her name over and over (I actually told him how tired I was of hearing it) then they were going to go walking, stopped that. Then they were playing games over the Internet. She would call him. Give him advice. That seems a real alarm bell to me.

He had never done anything like it before. Never saw anything I was suspicious of and I'm pretty astute picking up vibes from people.

Right after I confronted him about the email to the divorce attorney he closed our joint bank account and kept all the money. He had his own credit cards and a pay as you go cell phone so I have no way of checking anything that way. Because he considered his as the only "real" job he considered all the money was his, including my half of the tax return which was mine. My lawyer said it wasn't worth going after it and aggravating him and to go for the bigger assets.

Every call from my lawyer, legal paper, etc. just knocks me off my feet. I am physically ill and a basket case. Just a nightmare.
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Old 10th October 2013, 06:12 PM   #48
Unloved
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Re: Pray for Me Please

P. S. He changed his email password right before going out the door for the last time.
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Old 10th October 2013, 07:16 PM   #49
chosen
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Re: Pray for Me Please

From what you say I think you are well to be rid of him as hard as that is. He clearly has no integrity and compassion at all from what you say, and is happy to get all that he cant out of the marriage even if that means leaving you with practically nothing to live on..
SO what if you aggravate him, you need to fight for as much as you can.

It will be easier once the divorce is over, and you can begin to put it behind you.
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Old 10th October 2013, 07:32 PM   #50
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Chosen, my counselor says the same.

My head does but my heart still misses the man he used to be.

If it hadn't been for my fear of losing the house and a place for my Dad to live I would fight for my half of that money, but on the other hand I cannot afford the legal costs of a long drawn out fight.

My friend fought to the bitter end, paid 16,000.00 in legal fees and still ended up in a bad deal.

I think I will be okay because I am very good at saving money. It's the depression that is killing me.
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Old 10th October 2013, 07:32 PM   #51
Roses
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Hi UL

You never checked his mobile phone?

I wonder how you managed to tolerate his behaviour for such a long time e.g. two years.

Cannot tell you re. your financial settlement. So am I correct to assume that all of his incomes used to go into the joint account? Were his credit card statements accessible or were they all kept secret?

Agreed with Chosen. Perhaps, he had shown his true identity which he managed to hide away from you all these years.
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Old 10th October 2013, 10:49 PM   #52
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Hi Roses,

I knew she was calling his mobile. I tried talking to him about it. "Just friends." I am ashamed to say I didn't know what an emotional affair was until he left and I started doing research, which is when I also found out there no such thing as "just friends". As all his free time was (I thought) accounted for.... What can I say but I trusted him.

My counselor has told me he was a controller. I guess I didn't realize how much. I look back now and see the one thing he really could control was the money. He tried to control me in other ways but I wasn't always having it. Tried to compromise. He gave me a certain amount of money a week for groceries and spending. Anything else I had to get on my own. I now think he was hiding money from me in an account I knew nothing about. Just a feeling I have. Things don't add up.

I did put up with a lot in those couple of years but I really thought it was his job, depression, and also sleep deprivation. He worked nights our whole marriage and never slept well. I just was trying to carry on, work my jobs, and hope he'd come out of it. Funny he would want me to help out but when I offered to give money towards the bills he wouldn't take it. So I just kept saving it in case he lost his job. That didn't make him happy either. He just wanted away from me I guess.

I loved him and wanted our marriage to work. I got so many mixed signals from him. There'd be the old him and then the new. I don't think even he knows what his problem is.
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Old 11th October 2013, 10:46 AM   #53
Roses
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unloved View Post

I knew she was calling his mobile. I tried talking to him about it. "Just friends." I am ashamed to say I didn't know what an emotional affair was until he left and I started doing research, which is when I also found out there no such thing as "just friends". As all his free time was (I thought) accounted for.... What can I say but I trusted him.

I now think he was hiding money from me in an account I knew nothing about. Just a feeling I have. Things don't add up.

I loved him and wanted our marriage to work. I got so many mixed signals from him. There'd be the old him and then the new. I don't think even he knows what his problem is.
Hi

If you've never known how much his monthly incomes are (usually paid into a bank account), the lawyers can check this out.

I'm somewhat amazed that your legal advice did not include any financial disclosure prior to any sort of financial settlement.

My female gut instinct tells me he was probably having far more than "emotional affair" with this OW/his colleague for a long time. Married men wouldn't leave their wives unless he's extremely sure of the prospect of OW. If OW works, perhaps your h thought he wouldn't need to support her. That must be extremely attractive to someone who thinks his money ought to remain as his.
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Old 11th October 2013, 10:58 AM   #54
Roses
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unloved View Post

I loved him and wanted our marriage to work. I got so many mixed signals from him. There'd be the old him and then the new. I don't think even he knows what his problem is.
What sort of "mixed" signals are you referring to?

You mentioned "depression" - he doesn't come across as a depressed man. If he and OW were/are both working at night together, no wonder they became close.

You never know, maybe he felt you were too engrossed with looking after your sick Dad (This is strictly a speculation from someone who's totally outside the situation). How long have you been a carer for your Dad if you don't mind me asking this?

Hope you're feeling better.
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Old 11th October 2013, 11:28 AM   #55
chosen
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roses View Post
Hi

If you've never known how much his monthly incomes are (usually paid into a bank account), the lawyers can check this out.

I'm somewhat amazed that your legal advice did not include any financial disclosure prior to any sort of financial settlement.

My female gut instinct tells me he was probably having far more than "emotional affair" with this OW/his colleague for a long time. Married men wouldn't leave their wives unless he's extremely sure of the prospect of OW. If OW works, perhaps your h thought he wouldn't need to support her. That must be extremely attractive to someone who thinks his money ought to remain as his.
yes when I got divorced we both had to fill in a detailed financial disclosure which we had to sign under oath. It included any savings, earnings, assets etc. I think you need to speak to your lawyer in more detail about this.
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Old 11th October 2013, 01:09 PM   #56
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Roses, the mixed signals were one day he was buying me a small treat and the next not wanting to do anything with me any longer on his day off. Perhaps I am not explaining it well but he seemed very depressed to me. Lying on the bed staring at the ceiling.

I have been a carer for ten years. For eight it was okay, he helped me with my Dad, took him out, supported me so why the change. Also my Dad paid all the utilities, electric, gas, water, and even helped me get us a second car. My H paid small mortgage and groceries. It was a pretty good deal for him. In six years house would be paid for. I never neglected H's needs. As a matter of fact he wanted me to work more. It just doesn't add up and I refuse to take the blame for his leaving because I need to care for my Dad. When he spent every Sat. With his late granddad the thought of divorcing him over it never entered my mind. All the times he put his mother first before me I never thought of divorcing him. I wasn't happy about it but I would never ever have done this to him. The nights out with the guys, no never thought of divorce. I just don't buy it.

Chosen we did fill out financial disclosures. However he could easily have stashed money in someone else's account or even hidden cash.

Thank you both. I just don't understand why/how he could do this to me and what I did that was so bad. Emotionally I doubt I will ever recover.
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Old 11th October 2013, 03:53 PM   #57
chosen
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Re: Pray for Me Please

You will recover, but it will take time, and all the while this divorce is going on you cant really put it behind you at all.
Everything serious that happens in our lives does change us, but we do carry on and we do heal.
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Old 11th October 2013, 04:05 PM   #58
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Please pray for me.

If it weren't for my Dad and pets I don't think I could go on at all.
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Old 11th October 2013, 05:32 PM   #59
Roses
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
You will recover, but it will take time, and all the while this divorce is going on you cant really put it behind you at all.
Everything serious that happens in our lives does change us, but we do carry on and we do heal.
Well said, Chosen....................
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Old 11th October 2013, 08:05 PM   #60
chosen
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unloved View Post
Please pray for me.

If it weren't for my Dad and pets I don't think I could go on at all.
yes I know what you mean, it was my 3 children and 2 dogs who stopped me from giving up.
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