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Old 29th October 2015, 06:25 AM   #1
Ultron
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2
I need HELP

Goodmorning Forum Members

I am relatively new on this forum and I basically need all the help and advice out there i could help because this directly involves me.

Now i am an african man (29years of age) married to a carribean lady (24years) for over a year now, she is perfect and everything i could ever want in a woman. While we are currently expecting our first child, the issue which my marriage is currently facing is that my wife just doesnt like cooking, apart from not cooking she just doesnt know how to cook.

We had dated for about a year and half before getting married although we lived seperatly in two different countries while we dated as i was currently schooling and she was elsewhere, immediately after my graduation, I had relocated over to her country and we started living together 10months ago

Now believe me that for over 10months shes been in the kitchen to cook just four times and basically its always when her family decides to visit, I do the dishes, cooking (for myself) everything but deep down inside of me, I am no longer finding it funny. While i admit that shes pregnant and she stresses that she cant stand for long periods to cook (which i understand) my pains are even prior to she getting pregnant she just doesnt cook and when she does, her food are a DISASTER

She comes from a family where they basically eat out, She rather spend on eating all sorts of Mcdonald's, KFC etc than stay in a kitchen and prepare Home cooked food. Her mom basically is like that as well and while i had stressed to her family how much i love my meals been prepared in my home they showed little or NO concern about talking her into cooking.

She has repeatedly informed me that her mom does not cook for her dad and from what i've studied thats basically how she was brought up as the mom hardly cooks and would rather munch on KFC and Mcdonald's or any fast food she would get for her other kids, I was clearly not bought up this way. I had grown up to see my mother prepare meals for my family but I simply do not know why my wife has refused to learn how to cook african dishes and even her own dish (carribean) she basically also sucks at that.

Its killing my confidence in her and im doing all i can to manage the situation (Just because of my unborn child). I cant keep coming from work and get to meet half cooked meals or absolutely nothing because I am married to a woman whose mom bought her up not to cook, the last time she tried cooking for me a few months ago at her mom's while we went visiting, i noticed her mom and elder sister laughing (which i didnt find funny) maybe they were suprised she was cooking because they know she sucks at it or whatsoever reason it may be.

Please I need an advice on how to handle this issue, I cant keep living like this (If i dont cook for myself, i wont eat) and she never cooks (except toasting bread and drinking Juice) and before the end of the day she finds a way to leave the house with her mom (coming up with whatever excuse she's got) just to go out and eat Junk food alongside her mom and other siblings.

I have lost TOTAL respect for her family because I have seen these flaws in her (especially her mom) because she would not help or speak to her and her mom is starting to notice how unhappy i am starting to get with her daughter

I had a meeting about this a few months ago and informed my wife parents how happy i was with their daughter but I NOTICED she doesnt cook and i simply do not like it, her dad told me directly that 'You lay your bed you lie on it' which i understood its not his concern but the mom went on defensive and said her daughter just doesnt like cooking, I understood shes just trying to defend her daughter but it basically left me really unimpressed because the woman in question doesnt cook for her husband anyways (maybe thats why her husband has got a woman elsewhere) too


Please help
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Old 29th October 2015, 10:23 AM   #2
Raymond
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Posts: 6,409
Re: I need HELP

I assume you didn't know about this before you married her.

I don't think it is entirely her fault as that is how she has been brought up. She has obviously tried it and not succeeded. There seems a bit of a culture clash here and so you both need patience with each other. Nobody is asking you to change but I think it would be a good idea to go with her ocassionally and share her way. She is far more likely to listen if it doesn't become a tug of war between you.

The main thing is not to destroy the marriage over it. You have walked into this and it is a trial for you over which you have to get some kind of victory but not at her expense. You have years to love her and encourage her to, cook but I don't think it can be forced. I would encourage her small attempts and not kill off the small seeds because your mother was a much better cook. Don't ever tell her that as that would be putting a downer on her.

I know it is hard for you but building a loving relationship in spite of her perceived faults (we all have them) will in the long run vastly improve things. The danger is that you are getting a sudden reaction to the situation which could destroy your marriage if you are not careful. You will need a lot of patience.
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Old 29th October 2015, 10:40 AM   #3
Ultron
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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Re: I need HELP

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
I assume you didn't know about this before you married her.

I don't think it is entirely her fault as that is how she has been brought up. She has obviously tried it and not succeeded. There seems a bit of a culture clash here and so you both need patience with each other. Nobody is asking you to change but I think it would be a good idea to go with her ocassionally and share her way. She is far more likely to listen if it doesn't become a tug of war between you.

The main thing is not to destroy the marriage over it. You have walked into this and it is a trial for you over which you have to get some kind of victory but not at her expense. You have years to love her and encourage her to, cook but I don't think it can be forced. I would encourage her small attempts and not kill off the small seeds because your mother was a much better cook. Don't ever tell her that as that would be putting a downer on her.

I know it is hard for you but building a loving relationship in spite of her perceived faults (we all have them) will in the long run vastly improve things. The danger is that you are getting a sudden reaction to the situation which could destroy your marriage if you are not careful. You will need a lot of patience.
so what can i do raymond!
She wouldnt cook'
isnt interested to cook,
she makes excuses like shes pregnant and cant cook (but when her family was here a few weeks ago she was on her feet for 4hours cooking for them)
We are expecting our first child does that mean our child would face the uncertain future of eating properly home cooked meals?
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Old 29th October 2015, 11:56 AM   #4
ralfgarnett
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
Re: I need HELP

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ultron View Post
so what can i do raymond!
She wouldnt cook'
isnt interested to cook,
she makes excuses like shes pregnant and cant cook (but when her family was here a few weeks ago she was on her feet for 4hours cooking for them)
We are expecting our first child does that mean our child would face the uncertain future of eating properly home cooked meals?
You already said that you can cook so why would your child have an uncertain future ?, why don't you teach your wife what you already know about cooking, I did just that over the years and my wife went from being a good cook to become an excellent cook, I used to enjoy and was extremely flattered that she used to ask me questions and advice about cooking and I was pleased to share my knowledge with her, also why don't you both enrol on a cookery course she might enjoy that, it is something you could enjoy together and it would be a fun experience and it would be like a date night doing something together, believe me I have been cooking to a high standard for over 30 years and you never stop learning, I also agree with Raymond that this really is not worth losing your wife and marriage over, there are far more important things in the world than cooking, yes I get the health implications but we are living in 2015 not 1915 there is nothing to stop you from taking the initiative with regards feeding your family here.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 29th October 2015 at 12:04 PM.
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Old 29th October 2015, 09:28 PM   #5
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: I need HELP

When I married at 19 I couldnt cook, and the only way I learnt is by doing it every day after a very busy day at work with 2 1/2 hours travelling as well.
If she refuses to do this then she will never learn. It also appears that she hasnt really left her parents and still lives as if she were still with them. I am not sure what you can do, you married her as she was and because you hardly spent any time together before marriage you never got to know her.
maybe some marriage counselling will help you to communicate better?
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Old 30th October 2015, 09:37 AM   #6
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: I need HELP

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ultron View Post
so what can i do raymond!
She wouldnt cook'
isnt interested to cook,
she makes excuses like shes pregnant and cant cook (but when her family was here a few weeks ago she was on her feet for 4hours cooking for them)
We are expecting our first child does that mean our child would face the uncertain future of eating properly home cooked meals?
As you say she can cook if she cooked for her relatives so this would indicate that there is a deep reluctance there to take on this duty permanently. One doesn't know why she has such a deep aversion to cooking when one would assume it would be the natural thing to do for a wife.

I think there may be a bit of control coming from one or both parents as Chosen hints at. Your marriage should be a seperate entity in itself which I think you must realise.

It is very unhealthy to live on fast food and this is something you can gently get across as you have opportunity without forcing it.

May I ask who does the shopping and cleaning in your household?
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