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Old 27th January 2016, 05:43 PM   #1
VerySad
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Unhappy So Sad but it is over!

Very Sad at this time and I hurt so bad. I believe I should call it quits??

Been together 19 yrs.. married for 15.. In June of 2015 I found out my hubby was having a "emotional fantasy" phone affair (as he called it later) with a women from out of state, some months the phone call records show 500-600-700 min. per month, at all hours of the day and very late at night..I knew nothing of this nor did her fiance(come to find out later) I was either at work or out of town.. Made me sick!..Come to find out it all started on face book..and lead to texting and then to the cell phone..I confronted him with my findings and he said it wasn't meant to be sneaky it was just they were reminiscing about things that happened 30 yrs ago when they hung out together.and that there was a chance and talk that they may get together and spend the rest of there lives together.. This went on for 2+ years never had a clue.. he said they never saw each other during this time (which I am having a hard time believing) we live in LV...and everyone visits LV..
Then I find out that he has been replying to women on craigslist-casual encounters-w4m..and visits alot of porn sites..I was just diagnosed with the "HPV" virus and was also told that I have genital herpes...WTF!!! I am 60 yrs old!!! OMG...never had a health issue in my life and now this. He has a drinking problem..he lies all the time, always puts himself 1st...I did not receive even a Christmas card this year (2015)..I don't trust him!! Sometimes I don't think I even like him anymore. I thought marriage was to be with your soul mate, a best friend for life.. WOW am I delusional or what....
Are there any men out there that could explain any of this to me?? I am so lost and sad...I think I just need to move on..PS..no kids involved!!
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Old 27th January 2016, 07:40 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: So Sad but it is over!

So sad that you were hit below the belt in this VS.

You have every ground to call it quits VS if you wanted to. Even porn (mental adultery) is bad on it's own but with online affairs and probably actual sex outside of marriage all add up to gross unfaithfulness. There is no other explanation if you are looking for one.

Two years is a long time to deceive one's wife. I don't know if there is a road back. What if you hadn't found out about it? How long would it have gone on?

I can't tell you to leave him. That is up to you. If he ever gets to the place of sincere repentance there would be hope, but even then the trust would take a very long time to be regained and his life would have to be an open book to you to make it work. I don't know if he is up to it really. Only you can work that out. Just giving excuses though does not show sincere repentance.
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Old 27th January 2016, 08:16 PM   #3
Lindentree1
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Re: So Sad but it is over!

I know you asked for a man's advice, but I will give some as a woman. No one would blame you if you left. The cheating, the VD's, the lying. I would leave. It's pushing you too far to the brink.

Like Raymond said, no one can tell you to leave--but I think you deserve better. I'm sorry all this has happened.
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Old 27th January 2016, 08:19 PM   #4
VerySad
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Re: So Sad but it is over!

Thank you Raymond for your input. Never once did he say he was sorry about the time he spent on the phone with this woman..all he said was he "f'd up".. This is a big step for me....knowing that I have done nothing wrong and knowing inside that he doesn't care enough to get some kind of counseling..
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Old 27th January 2016, 08:23 PM   #5
chosen
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Re: So Sad but it is over!

Good grief so you have caught an std off him which shows that he has had sex with other women. He had lied and deceived you and cheated on you for years it seems, I honestly cant see what good this marriage is for you with such an awful man. I would leave in your position, I would far far rather be alone than with this man who is so immoral that he doesnt even care if he gives his wife an STD.
I dont think any of the men who come here would understand, they are totally against what this man is doing.
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Old 28th January 2016, 04:43 PM   #6
VerySad
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Angry Re: So Sad but it is over!

Chosen,

Thank you for your input. I have given him every chance to come clean and will not discuss anything that I bring up. He knows about the VD and won't even acknowledge the fact that I have it. Ugh!!!
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Old 28th January 2016, 05:45 PM   #7
chosen
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Re: So Sad but it is over!

Quote:
Originally Posted by VerySad View Post
Chosen,

Thank you for your input. I have given him every chance to come clean and will not discuss anything that I bring up. He knows about the VD and won't even acknowledge the fact that I have it. Ugh!!!
well until he starts being honest I am not sure what you can do. Its sounds as if you may need to given him an ultimatum that he comes clean and tells you everything and you both go to counseling or you want a divorce.
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Old 28th January 2016, 10:20 PM   #8
VerySad
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Re: So Sad but it is over!

Raymond,

Why would a man not want to disclose his bank statements (history included) for tax return purposes? Do you think he has something to hide?? It would benefit us tremendously for the accurate numbers to itemize?
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Old 29th January 2016, 10:36 AM   #9
Raymond
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Re: So Sad but it is over!

Could be he has something to hide. I would have thought it was compulsory to show them to the tax inspector if he/she asked to see them. Is that what you mean, or do you mean he is hiding them from you when you need to see them for business purposes? Seems like your husband has a lot of secrets.

One has to work out if he is remorseful that he got caught or if there is repentance there. From what you say I don't see any repentance. We had a case on here where the husband was messing around with another woman. She asked him to leave which he did. She kept her boundaries and didn't cave in. Eventually the husband found true repentance and begged to come back. He met all the conditions and learned his lesson and the marriage was restored. So it is possible in theory to restore the marriage. The repentance came after about three months I think, after a period when she had closed the door on him marriage wise. She had a lot of courage and was willing to risk the end of the marriage and for her it worked out. Every case is different I know but that is an example of one that worked out. I don't think you can compromise if he is not truly sorry. How would the trust ever be recovered?

Last edited by Raymond; 29th January 2016 at 12:00 PM.
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Old 29th January 2016, 03:47 PM   #10
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Re: So Sad but it is over!

Raymond, Thank you again for your input. I need the bank statements/detail to have actual numbers and backup if we were to get audited down the road. I have been through many audits through my job and I know how backup is so important. He told me that I don't need to see them and he would give me the numbers that I need. This is his account where his payroll check is deposited, I have no access to it and he buys whatever he wants etc.(everyman should be so lucky) I don't dare ask any questions!! I know the writing is on the wall here and it is just a matter of time, and what he doesn't realize is that these bank records will be supeonaed. In a way I am actually afraid to see these records for it will show me more deceit etc. This is such a mess and I feel like I have wasted 19 yrs of my life.
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Old 29th January 2016, 06:25 PM   #11
Raymond
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Re: So Sad but it is over!

Are you saying this because you anticipate a divorce in regard to a settlement and you need to know his finances?

Would the audit be in connection to a divorce or are you both working in your own business together which you anticipate will be audited?

I am afraid I am not grasping the reason why he should disclose his finances.
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Old 29th January 2016, 07:31 PM   #12
VerySad
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Re: So Sad but it is over!

Raymond,

This has nothing to do with divorce. I am the one that gathers all the info for filing the taxes. This year for the 1st time he is getting a 1099 for 55K (no taxes withheld) over and above his weekly payroll taxed check(of which goes into this acct he won't share). I need the bank statements to itemize his gas, his tools, his traveling expenses etc. anything that will help defuse the 1099. This has become a nightmare and if I don't get them now, I am still liable with the IRS divorce or not. That is it in a nutshell...he just won't share the information with me. I am at witts end with this whole relationship but I will make it through I know!
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Old 29th January 2016, 08:03 PM   #13
chosen
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Re: So Sad but it is over!

Quote:
Originally Posted by VerySad View Post
Raymond,

This has nothing to do with divorce. I am the one that gathers all the info for filing the taxes. This year for the 1st time he is getting a 1099 for 55K (no taxes withheld) over and above his weekly payroll taxed check(of which goes into this acct he won't share). I need the bank statements to itemize his gas, his tools, his traveling expenses etc. anything that will help defuse the 1099. This has become a nightmare and if I don't get them now, I am still liable with the IRS divorce or not. That is it in a nutshell...he just won't share the information with me. I am at witts end with this whole relationship but I will make it through I know!
can you do your own taxes and he does his? has he always handed them over before?
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Old 29th January 2016, 08:40 PM   #14
VerySad
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Re: So Sad but it is over!

We can't do our own and I have always taken care of it. He just won't let me see his statements. which would make it alot easier....I am just thinking that he is hiding something (probably because he spent 35K on himself) I am just going to work around it...Oh well!
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Old 29th January 2016, 09:26 PM   #15
chosen
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Re: So Sad but it is over!

Quote:
Originally Posted by VerySad View Post
We can't do our own and I have always taken care of it. He just won't let me see his statements. which would make it alot easier....I am just thinking that he is hiding something (probably because he spent 35K on himself) I am just going to work around it...Oh well!
has he ever not handed them over before this year?
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