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Old 11th July 2016, 08:35 AM   #1
anychanceatall?
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ready to run!

Yesterday i found out a disgusting piece of info. Two months ago my husband of 7 years tryed to force himself on my baby sister 18. What do i do. I love my hubby so much i cant imagine life without him. But how can i stay and sacrifice my family?
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Old 11th July 2016, 09:29 AM   #2
Raymond
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Re: ready to run!

This is an awful thing to happen and will break the trust of your family towards him. You have clear grounds for divorce if you needed it. Whether you stay or not is up to you. I would say you need clear evidence that he is sorry or repentent of this act. If he is not sorry then it could happen again and would you want to stay with a man like that? At the very least you should say that if it ever happens again the marriage is over. I know this will take courage. I don't think you will be happy in the long run if nothing is done at all. Your sister and your parents would ecpect you to confront him I think.
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Old 11th July 2016, 09:54 AM   #3
anychanceatall?
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Re: ready to run!

My family is a very close one, they often stay over or spend long periods of time with us. But we have had our rough patches. I fear that i if i walk away from my marriage, i will be alone. Not because my family blame me at all, but because im so angry that its taking so long for it to come out. It appears our entire family have known except me. Nz laws are different surrounding divorce so its not an issue except for legal costs and the fact I swore I would raise my children in a whole ,complete& happy family. I know i should walk away but its do hard when the heart is involved.
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Old 11th July 2016, 12:54 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: ready to run!

do you mean he tried to rape her?Have you confronted him? what did He say?

Last edited by chosen; 11th July 2016 at 12:59 PM.
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Old 11th July 2016, 04:36 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: ready to run!

You must have the courage to do the right thing. Fear of lonliness is not a good motivation and could make a prison for you. You say you vowed you would raise your children in a whole, complete and happy family. Hasn't this act rather changed the ball game? Would it be complete and happy after this? A lot depends on his attitude now. I am talking about sincere repentance not remorse because it is now in the open. There is a difference.

We have spoken on here to wives whose husbands were continually unfaithful and they did not have the courage to leave. They were never happy and it seemed they had become doormats. They knew what the right thing to do was but did not have the courage to do it. They were faithful whilst their husbands played. You are not in that position but there are similarities.
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Old 11th July 2016, 09:43 PM   #6
anychanceatall?
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Re: ready to run!

Yes I agree its similar to being unfaithful prehaps worse in someways. I dont have all the details of what actually happened as she refuses to talk about it ( which i understand) they were great friends and this would of distroyed her trust in him. I have confronted him. He played dumb at first then got angry at me for 'believing such BS" but his anger really just confirmed it was more than the accidental over friendly cuddle he told me it was. Its sounds selfish but I will also be absolutely stuffed financial if i leave too. As we work together id have no income either.
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Old 12th July 2016, 09:57 AM   #7
Raymond
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Re: ready to run!

One hopes that there could have been openess and repentance rather than anger. May I ask where you got your disgusting information from? Is there actual proof of what happened? You are convinced yourself obviously but it would be helpful to know how your conviction came about.
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Old 12th July 2016, 10:24 AM   #8
anychanceatall?
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Re: ready to run!

Another of my sisters who I am very close with told me. She has known for awhile and felt guilty about keeping it from me. Apparently 'everyone' knows in my close family. (Mum, Aunty and other sisters and their partners) I feel like an idiot, everyone's dicussing this behind my back. Also for the judgements I made in choosing a husband and my childrens father. Yet I still cannot make a definative decision about leaving. I am currently away with my children avoiding all contact with them all trying my darndest to get my head straight. Im no closer than i was 3days ago just more depressed and angry.
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Old 13th July 2016, 06:54 AM   #9
anychanceatall?
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Re: ready to run!

So after returning home and discussing the incident with my husband and recieving more info from my sister I am leaning towards 'it was just an innocent accident'. From how my sister describes it, it sounds like they were asleep side by side. I was in the bed too, more like um Marae style(whole pile of matresses covering the lounge) where we all slept, after a few drinks. She woke to him hands on bum. When she pushed him away he went back several times. This is to some people obviously odd,and could deffintley be misinterpreted, but in my experience with hubby he is a very touchy sleeper and i often wake to hands everywhere. He is also a very deep sleeper. I often have to shove his hands off just to roll over. (Not an issue for me). I feel very strongly that it has been misinterpreted. I have ask hubby to leave while i clear my head. I am still stuck on the fact that instead of confronting him and telling me immediately it was kept quite like a dirty secret. Plus how can we possibly move forward as a family, now they have all condemed him.
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Old 13th July 2016, 09:26 PM   #10
chosen
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Re: ready to run!

So how did he find out that he had done that if is was asleep? Did she challenge him? Why didnt she wake you if she was so distressed and you were only a few feet away from her?
I cant help thinking there is no way that I would sleep next to another men nor my husband next to another woman, isnt that asking for trouble especially when drink is involved?

Its entirely possible that he thought it was you in his sleep, which is why its a terrible idea.
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Old 14th July 2016, 12:17 AM   #11
anychanceatall?
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Re: ready to run!

Its not something we would do often. But as i said we are a very close family especially my sisters and our partners. I actually dont know how he found out. Thats a good question. And I would of hoped had it been just an accident he would of told me. I also wondered why she didn't wake me. In hind sight I do think that sleeping like that was stupid, it has cost me alot.I cant see why he would intentionally do that when i was asleep beside him, we had a very healthy and close marriage and friendship before this.

Last edited by anychanceatall?; 14th July 2016 at 01:36 AM.
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Old 14th July 2016, 10:06 AM   #12
Raymond
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Re: ready to run!

From what you have said you have to give him the benefit of the doubt. It has never happened before. You have expained it well in your last but one post. If you tell the family that they should understand. I'd now put it out of your mind and get on with your life and your marriage. It appears that the matter got out of hand.
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Old 14th July 2016, 10:46 AM   #13
anychanceatall?
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Re: ready to run!

Thanks Raymond that means alot and having this forum to vent outside of anyone involved has been invaluable. Its now just a matter of healing and moving on, im sure god will help with that.
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Old 14th July 2016, 05:18 PM   #14
Raymond
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Re: ready to run!

I am sure He will as you look to him.

In hindsight it looks like an innocent thing got out of hand. As you say best to avoid those situations in the future.

God bless
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Old 14th July 2016, 05:23 PM   #15
chosen
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Re: ready to run!

I agree, it sounds as if a tricky sleeping situation caused this and its entirely possible that he didnt intend it at all. Obviously if anything similar happens again, you will need to think again.
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