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Old 1st December 2011, 09:02 PM   #1
toneb66
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I love you but I'm not in love with you...

Hi

I'll try and keep this brief. I've been together with my wife for 11 yrs and married for almost 6. Although not a perfect relationship (is there such thing?) I feel we get on really well.

Yesterday out of the blue she told me that had slept with 2 strangers at the weekend after a girls weekend away and she doesn't feel one bit of guilt which she says isn't right. She said she wants to seperate ASAP - she's not even prepared to work at it.

Today she told me by text that she hopes we always remain friends - she loves me but she's not in love with me - those infamous 10 words!

I'd be willing to change anything she is unhappy with, and I've told her this but she's sure this is what she wants.
My question is this: am I wasting my time trying to change her mind? Once those '10 words' have been said is there any way back.

Thanks in advance for any replies.
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Old 1st December 2011, 09:24 PM   #2
Helen_uk
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you...

Can you tell us what age you and your wife are ? Do you have any children ?

You say it wasn't perfect before, were there any particular problems that stand out ?

There is always a way back if both parties are willing to work at things , it seems a little strange that she's suddenly decided to sleep with 2 other people and then tell you she isn't in love any more... There are normally signs well before that . I'm wondering what's happened to cause this sudden infidelity .

I do have to say that normally the " I love you but am not in love with you " scenario occurs when they already have someone else lined up . People don't fall out of love over night .

It's never a waste of time to try to repair a marriage , but I have to say that while she's in this frame of mind it's doubtful you'll make much immediate head way . That doesn't mean you're not entitled to more of an explanation or that you shouldn't try . I just think you haven't been given the whole story yet , and without that you don't know what you're facing .
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Old 1st December 2011, 09:28 PM   #3
Sillyman
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you...

Tone,

I'll take this the wrong way round and answer your last question first - the answer is no, you cant change her mind.

If you're bored and have time, read my thread - I tried for months to change my wife's mind after we split, although I did wrong to cause the separation.

There's plenty of reading out there about this - but what I've come to realise is if you chase people, they want to run - especially if they think they want to escape.

The best analogy I've read is 'open the cage'. Give her the freedom she says she wants and don't whine and get doe eyed. People who are caged want to escape - if they have freedom to think for themselves, rather than wasting all their energy on running, they might realise the grass isn't greener.

As you're still in the early stages of this, check out the 180 technique and use it to fit your circumstances.

There are no guarantees in this - if she's determined to go, you can't stop her. But keep your dignity, don't fight and argue and accept what she says (at least on the surface).

While you're going through hell inside, show a calm exterior.

She's got all the power right now - so grasp it from her by not fighting. People can't fight someone who won't retaliate.

And since she's slept with two men, demand she is checked out for STDs before any future reconciliation. Your life may depend on it.

You never mentioned if you have children. Have you?

SM
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Old 1st December 2011, 09:39 PM   #4
toneb66
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you...

Many thanks for your replies guys. I'm 41 and she is 40. I have a step son (15) who suffers with Aspergers and I myself suffer with Agoraphobia which doesn't help as I've been unable to work for the last couple of years.

I say things haven't been perfect - in particular our sex life. We still cuddle in bed but that's about as far as it goes. It kind of became the accepted thing, ie neither of us seemed liked it was something lacking in our lives.
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Old 1st December 2011, 10:16 PM   #5
Forever
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you...

Let her go...help her leave...be respectful and do not grovel. Keep your dignity and self respect. Tell her that you are sorry that the relationship was not meeting her needs and that if she ever wants to talk about how to repair it to let you know. That should do it.
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Old 1st December 2011, 10:22 PM   #6
Sillyman
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever View Post
Let her go...help her leave...be respectful and do not grovel. Keep your dignity and self respect. Tell her that you are sorry that the relationship was not meeting her needs and that if she ever wants to talk about how to repair it to let you know. That should do it.
I agree

SM
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Old 1st December 2011, 10:27 PM   #7
toneb66
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever View Post
Let her go...help her leave...be respectful and do not grovel. Keep your dignity and self respect. Tell her that you are sorry that the relationship was not meeting her needs and that if she ever wants to talk about how to repair it to let you know. That should do it.
When you say 'that should do it' what do you mean?
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Old 1st December 2011, 10:54 PM   #8
Forever
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you...

I mean that she will take her freedom and "explore" it...then down the road she will start to feel guilty and ashamed. Eventually she will want to "revisit" what went wrong with the marriage and do her share to repair damages. But not if you cling to her and over react. What she has done wrong is already done and you seem to be prepared to forgive. Still, she has to want that forgiveness and she has to want to reconcile when she is ready and if you keep your human dignity in tact.

Dont cling...help her to go.
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Old 1st December 2011, 10:59 PM   #9
toneb66
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever View Post
I mean that she will take her freedom and "explore" it...then down the road she will start to feel guilty and ashamed. Eventually she will want to "revisit" what went wrong with the marriage and do her share to repair damages. But not if you cling to her and over react. What she has done wrong is already done and you seem to be prepared to forgive. Still, she has to want that forgiveness and she has to want to reconcile when she is ready and if you keep your human dignity in tact.

Dont cling...help her to go.
Ok - many thanks for your advice.
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Old 1st December 2011, 11:00 PM   #10
Forever
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you...

What is Agoraphobia?
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Old 1st December 2011, 11:06 PM   #11
toneb66
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you...

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What is Agoraphobia?
A fear of open spaces. I have rarely been outside in the last year or so - I also suffer from social phobia. Not good. It goes back to a road traffic accident I had when I was 9 although it hasn't always been this bad. I have good and bad times.
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Old 1st December 2011, 11:09 PM   #12
Forever
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you...

Thank you for the explanation. Does that mean you have no income or do you work from home? Also, does this have an affect on your sex life (or lack of it)? How did you get along with her son?
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Old 1st December 2011, 11:13 PM   #13
1aokgal
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you...

Welcome to the forum...

I learned the disorder was more common than we would believe.

Panic disorder with agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder in which there are repeated attacks of intense fear and anxiety, and a fear of being in places where escape might be difficult, or where help might not be available.

Agoraphobia usually involves fear of crowds, bridges, or of being outside alone. It can cause chest pains, cold sweats, and intense anxiety to leave the house, for instance. It is quite disabling and one could stay restricted into the home for fear of something happening to leave the house. Someone who had a serious personal attack, for instance, might avoid going out for fear of being robbed or hurt.

The world is in such a mess today, who doesn't feel some apprehension about strangers or unfamiliar situations?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 1st December 2011 at 11:20 PM.
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Old 1st December 2011, 11:17 PM   #14
toneb66
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever View Post
Thank you for the explanation. Does that mean you have no income or do you work from home? Also, does this have an affect on your sex life (or lack of it)? How did you get along with her son?
I claim disability benefit but the amount I receive is hardly worth mentioning. It doesn't really have an affect on my sex life. I think that's maybe down to what happens quite a lot - you become used to each other and don't really put in any effort. It's only at times like this when you realise and of course would do anything to make things right. I get on very well with our son. I've been in his life since he was 4.5/5 so I will miss him.
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Old 1st December 2011, 11:27 PM   #15
Forever
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Re: I love you but I'm not in love with you...

I am glad to hear you get on so well with your son...he will not tolerate being without you for too long which is a "plus" that you have going for you...just let it all unfold naturally. She will be back in due time. Meanwhile, see if you can get some help for your disorder...I am sure it has some pretty nasty effects on everyday living.
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