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Old 26th December 2012, 08:17 PM   #1
sonia
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thinking of separation

Hi all

I am in a very difficult position with my marriage and would really appreciate some advice on it.

I have been married for 6 years and it started off really well. My husband had always been a good person towards me. I lived my in-laws for the first 4 years and they were quite hard but my husband always stood by me and fully supported me. We were struggling to move out, so he started a part-time job and that's when our distance started to grow.

He used to work most nights and would be too tired to talk to me at all. I was working at the time time as well but we managed to pull ourselves through that time quite well. We bought a house and are living in it for the last two years now. We dont have any children at the moment.

I have always accepted the fact that he is more sensible and would make better decisions for our life. He put the offer on our house without even showing me the house and I never complained against it as it was a good choice but now this is becoming a problem as he want to control every aspect of my life.

I started working full time this August after spending a year in University. At the same time, my husband left his full time job to go back to University and this is when the problems started to escalate. He has never helped me with the household work and it was never a problem as I was not working for the first 3 years of our marriage. Then I was working part-time for two years and during University, I was tutoring for a while but not working on a regular basis.

Now he is mostly home because of the way his time table is and still I take care of every little thing at home. He doesnt know how to cook and has clearly refused to ever learn to cook. He is no help in cleaning, infact he makes more mess. This may sound a small issue, but after coming home from a stressful job, it becomes a huge issue for me. I am a newly qualified teacher and after a full school day, I am tutoring almost every night of the week. Then my weekend is spent cooking for the next week, washing the clothes and cleaning up the house. He spend most of his time on his laptop watching movies and documentaries.

We rarely talk and whenever i try to, he would tell me not to because he is watching something very important and gets really annoyed as well. WE dont even sit in the same room in the evening.

There are lots of other things that I can share but the post is getting too long so I am going to share the two incidents that triggered the thought of leaving him.

First one happened when I started taking driving lessons. Now i am 26 and its already quite late to start driving but because of certain issues, I wasnt able to do it any earlier. He didnt want me to take lessons as the money was tight but I told him that my tutoring money will be enough to take one each week. He still insisted not to but I went ahead and booked the lessons. Then after a month or so, I went to Birmingham for a conference and he was acting quite strangely when he dropped me at the airport. He didnt contact me the whole weekend and when I returned, he told me that since I started the lessons without his consent, he want me to follow a few things or else I should leave. I can only meet my friends if he permits me, I can only go to a conference or seminar after his permission and if i leave the house without his permission, he will lock me outside and will not open the door till next morning. However, he said that i can continue the lessons now.

I shall tell you that my whole family is in india and I have not family in Scotland. I am 26 and I got married when I was 20. Since my husband was always good and helped me financially through these years, I said ok because if i leave, he will not be able to finish University and I dont want to come across as a selfish person.

A few weeks later, I had to go for a driving lesson and when i returned the back door was locked from the inside (I only have keys to the back door). When I called him , he said he is at his mum's and since I left the house without telling him, he locked the back door. I didnt have warm clothes on, so i asked him to come home and he said wait as he wont be home for another hour. So I walked in freezing weather to the nearest supermarket and waited there till he picked me from there and yelled at me for not following what he wanted. Again, I just stayed quiet.

Two weeks ago, I had a night out with people from school, so I went there. I returned around midnight and he asked me to make dinner for him then. I was a tired so I asked him to use the cooked meal in the fridge but he said that he want me to make dinner for him. When I said no, he took away my laptop and told me to go straight to bed. I needed my laptop to do some work, when i asked him to give it to me, he said that he will only give it to me if I make dinner. So I made dinner for him and then he told me that he will have the cooked food from the fridge now. I was so shocked to hear that but I just went to bed then.

He has put me off of him now. It has always been his way in our relationship but I never challenged it because it was never unreasonable. Now it is becoming unreasonable and unfair especially when I am the one who is doing almost everything for the house. There is no physical intimacy between us and sex is always for his satisfaction.

I would really appreciate some advice on this as I am not sure if my decision to separate is alright or not.
Thanks
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Old 26th December 2012, 08:51 PM   #2
WishfulThinking
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Re: thinking of separation

Oh my goodness!

I will say that in many ways, I am the last person to be giving advice, as others on here know, I'm in a mess myself. There are people here who will be able to give you a much better view of things than I, but what struck me the most about your post was the absence of the mention of love. Do you love him? It appears he shows none to you. This strikes me as a manipulative and controlling relationship which will never get better. This is not a partnership where both show equal consideration for each other.

You are still young and deserve better. In your shoes, yes I would leave. If you feel you can, then I'd say the sooner the better.
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Old 26th December 2012, 09:43 PM   #3
Forever
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Re: thinking of separation

This is unreal! Usually I do not give out this kind of advice, but now I feel very compelled to:

RUN!!! Get away from that freak of nature before there is nothing left of your life or ability to make sound and reasonable choices.

He has a heart made of stone and is a narcissitic control freak (google it for all the information you need to make that assessment for yourself). There is NO love in him, and he will turn you into a cowering slave for himself.

Probably the ONLY reason that his evil heart did not expose itself before is that he was living with relatives...and he wanted to keep a good appearance.

This was never God's plan for marriage. God wants men to love their wives as they love themselves...even be willing to die for them. A dog is not treated so badly.

I am glad there are no children involved...you would have a bigger nightmare on your hands...as he would use them to get back at you.
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Old 26th December 2012, 10:32 PM   #4
sonia
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Re: thinking of separation

Hi

Thanks for the replies wishful thinking and forever. It really does help to get an opinion and advice from someone out of the situation.

The reason I didnt mention love was because he has never told me that he loves me. He used to tell me that he likes me in the first year and then he stopped. And even when i tell him that I love him, he just smiles but never says anything in return. Gosh, this sound so obvious that this has always been a one sided relationship!

He doesnt compliment me at all, used to take me out in the beginning, but only to places where he wanted to go. I like theatre and he doesnt, so he doesnt go there with me. I like going out for dinner and he doesnt and we have only been out on three or four occasions in the last 6 years. He has never wished me on our anniversaries or even on my birthday when I am always planned and sorted for these occasions....

I am glad that there are no children because then it would have been very hard to leave. I hope I can get out of it as soon as possible.... I still dont want to leave him in the middle of his Uni course.... Maybe because I want to give us another chance.....shall I talk to him and tell him that I am thinking of leaving? I am not sure how he will react... and I dont want to take any risks....
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Old 26th December 2012, 10:51 PM   #5
WishfulThinking
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Re: thinking of separation

My opinion, for what it's worth. This is not the type of advice I'd like to give anyone, or receive for myself. I believe in marriage, improving communication and trying your best to make it work.

However, in this case I'd say no. If you do tell him you are thinking of leaving, it is likely he will get better for a while, but gradually things will start to deteriorate again. He won't be able to help himself. The will to control will always rear it's ugly head, even in so far as controlling you to stay. You will find yourself on a never ending roller coaster until it is too late for you.

That of course is the best scenario. You may find if you tell him he will try to control and 'imprison' you more, right from the outset in order to prevent you from leaving.

Do not worry about his Uni course and providing for him. That really isn't your responsibility especially given the way he is behaving. I'm sure he could always turn to his family if need be. Just concentrate on making your plans and going.
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Old 26th December 2012, 10:53 PM   #6
Forever
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Re: thinking of separation

You have to keep your plans to yourself. Why? Because he will empty the bank account and lock you out of the house. If he does that, you will not be able to get important papers and documents that you will NEED.

The first thing you should do is to make sure to open your own Post Office Box for receiving mail, and change your bank and have your wages sent directly to that new account.

Next, gather all important papers and put them somewhere...a safety deposit box would be good.

That house is half yours in spite of him only giving you the back door key. This enrages me how even a dog would be let into shelter if they were cold outside.

Do you have your own car? If not, you can spend the time while he is finishing Uni and save to buy one.

You are too young to be thinking of trying to salvage a relationship with a man who DOES NOT LOVE YOU!

If you got pregnant, you would not be able to make that break away from him and start a better life...he would have rights with your children and would use them and turn them to hate you.

Please, please do not wax sentimental just because he helped you get through college. It was to his benefit that he did, as he could have never have gotten a house without your income...a house that he turned into a pig pen and enslaves you to...and a house which does not even feel like it is yours.

Kindest Regards
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Old 27th December 2012, 07:27 AM   #7
rob1984
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Re: thinking of separation

Wow, he should be lucky to have someone like you.. I was on the same path as him. Started neglecting my wife, no intimacy and just got comfortable, she warned me many times and I brushed it off.. all she wanted was kisses and i was to stupid to pay her any attention. Well someone else made a fool of my wife and he kissed when she was drunk but unfortunately she kissed back. What I am trying to say is unless you have exhausted all possibilities do not leave yet, even thou he made lots of mistakes he may have not realized them. Do not mention that you will leave but I would scare him for sure if he cared at all, he would change literally overnight . Maybe you have exhausted all possibilities then run like the wind. It will teach him a lesson for his next adventure and he will have his regrets. Its better to let go and you both be happy then miserable in turn you both will make two others happy. Good luck
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Old 27th December 2012, 08:12 AM   #8
Forever
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Re: thinking of separation

Oh this is far worse than mere neglect...this is emotional/mental/physical abuse too. Locking her out at night in the cold??? Commanding her and giving her rules??? Taking away her computer because she is too tired to cook dinner at midnight when she had already prepared meals in advance...and then refusing to eat the meal she just cooked when she gave in to him? There is probably much much more she has not even said.

Not once has he even told her that he loved her in the six years they have been married??? Never buying her a birthday or Christmas or anniversary gift in spite of all she does to give those things to him??? Telling her she cannot learn to drive and making her pay a price for that when she did it anyway??? Wont take her out sometimes to a place that is of interest to her??? Wont help with the house even though she works full time and tutors in the evening too while he sits on his ass watching movies and watches all his important documentaries?

No, this is far worse than we can imagine. His goal is to isolate and control her and use her like so much toilet paper while profiting from all she does. What does he do for her but make her life ten times more difficult?? What if she had had children! How would she have the energy to cope with him as well as them too? Wont be long before he starts grabbing her by the hair if she mouths off in protest...or punches her back into the stone age...where he belongs.

I hope she takes our advice and makes all the preparations to leave him. I hope she gets ahold of a lawyer to find out what she is entitled to and makes sure she gets her rightful share. I hope she finds love and does not crumble into a pathetic slave for a "man" like that.

One has to wonder where the hell he got his training from...what happened in his home life prior to marriage that makes him think he is some sort of God.

Sheeesh!
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Old 27th December 2012, 08:23 AM   #9
Forever
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Re: thinking of separation

Sweetheart, you go ahead and tell him that you plan on leaving...but only AFTER you already have all preparations in place. Then see what happens to you for even suggesting that you are unhappy and feeling so used and unloved! See what he does to try and twart you from finding your freedom to be human again.

Make sure you can escape without complications...plan everything right down to him throwing you outside again and locking the door on you. If you have a cell phone, keep in hidden in your bra, and keep your car keys hidden outside as well as the cell phone charger in a plastic bag so you will have access to them. If you have credit cards, hide them too so if you need to get a temporary hotel to sleep at, then you can do that (unless he calls and cancels those accounts)...so open a credit card in your name only and dont let him know.

If you have your own car, keep your favorite clothes and personal things in the trunk so you will have something to wear...he wont let you back in the house to get any of those things...or even buy duplicate things so he does not notice anything missing that you use everyday. THINK.
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Old 27th December 2012, 05:03 PM   #10
rob1984
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Re: thinking of separation

Awesome reply Forever. Hopefully she will get upset and finally leave my issue is no where close to that and I think your response was perfect and she will make a run for it
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Old 28th December 2012, 12:19 AM   #11
sonia
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Re: thinking of separation

Hi

I really appreciate the support and advice I got from all of you. It has been a pretty messy since I got married, and I never realised his way of thinking, perhaps I was too young to take it in any other way!

I had a lot of issues at my inlaws and I never settled well with them. There was always some issue in the house but my husband was always making sure that I dont take any pressure from anybody. This has genuinely helped me build my confidence and take stand for things I wanted in life.

When we moved out, I hoped that things will settle down as we are now away from all the chaos and problems. His jobs always kept us at a distance but we were still managing fine. But since this August, his behaviour is increasingly getting worse, and the only possible reason of this could be the fact that for the first time in the last six years he is not working and I am the main working person in the house (he is doing part-time job at the weekends but it is not regular!).

Maybe he is trying to make sure that I keep listening to him and follow whatever he want. I have never done anything that he didnt want me to till this driving thing and he took care of it really well!

Small things like weekly shopping is only done when he wants and when i was not working and wanted to get some stuff for the week, he would literally behave as if I am the only one in the house who eats! Since my job, this is not the issue as I am earning too but I still have to ask him quite a few times before he agrees to take me for shopping (since I dont drive!)

I cant leave him straight away as my contract with my current school is until June and I need to find a job for next years and hopefully I get a permanent job, before I decide to leave him. Since I mentioned earlier, I dont have any family in Scotland and I will be by myself. I have a few relatives in England but I still would like to be able to sort myself without anyone's help. I cant move to England as I am qualified to teach in Scotland and I prefer to live here too.

This means that I have to get on with it and see how things go in the next six months and if hopefully I get some good job for next term, I will begin the arrangements then.

Thanks for the careful advice Forever, I will make sure that I am all prepared before I inform him. I still intend to talk to him and tell him that whatever is on his mind about controlling me is only turning me away from him. Do you think it will be okay to do that? I dont intend to mention anything about separation to him given that I dont know what he is capable of doing anymore!
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Old 28th December 2012, 12:23 AM   #12
sonia
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Re: thinking of separation

Rob, I have read you comments and I really appreciate your advice. Since forever mentioned, it is more than ignoring, it is escalating from it now.

Besides when you dont feel need in a relationship, its better to make a better decision at that point. I know I can stay with him till I am 80 and he will never divorce me. But I dread a life without love and if that has to be the case with me, I would rather spend it by myself than hoping to get it from someone who doesnt think of my needs at all!

Hope thing work out and I can make a better decision!
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Old 28th December 2012, 02:14 AM   #13
Forever
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Re: thinking of separation

Yes, it would probably be safe to tell him that "this is sure not what you thought a marriage should have been like"...and perhaps leave it at that. He will likely ask you what you mean by that, then you can softly and respectfully voice all the disappointments and treatments that you feel are outrageous. Not much he can do to you with that information. Just do not say it when you are getting close to your period or you may end up bursting out more intentions and information than you wanted to!

Do not tell him what you may be planning for the future or he will make sure that you will never get a car. When you do get one, make sure it is only registered in YOUR name so when you leave he cannot have it towed away as a theft right out from under you. Make sure it has full coverage insurance only in your name in case he vandalizes it or tries to cancel your insurance.

You can take the small steps as you feel comfortable. Getting your own bank account, getting a post office box and having your bills mailed to you there....getting a safety deposit box for important papers...all will give you a feeling of independence and safety. You can make sure your cell phone is in your name so he cannot have it turned off. Apply for a small credit card and make sure it goes to the post office box so he does not know you have it. You can get duplicate keys to his car and to YOUR house in the event he locks you out again...he will. You can keep a warm coat in the trunk of his car and use your spare key to get it in that event.

What you are living is a nightmare. You will realize it once you have your freedom and feel capable of taking care of yourself.

The more independent you become, the more he will try to squash you back down.

DO NOT GET PREGNANT!!
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Old 28th December 2012, 02:22 AM   #14
Forever
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Re: thinking of separation

When he is out at work, see if you can find any Porn on his laptop. It is a known fact that when men start getting into that stuff, they start getting more angry, selfish, hateful and controlling to their wives...and less interested in their wives needs or feelings.
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Old 28th December 2012, 05:27 PM   #15
crush
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Re: thinking of separation

You just simply cannot put up with this kind of behaviour. he is totally controlling and will get worse over time, these things always do. Have you ever stood your ground with this man, or are you afraid. Is he likely to become violent towards you if you disagree.

To lock you out of your own home is disgraceful and he needs to look to himself to what he is doing. My advice along with others on here is to get out of the relationship however hard you may find things to be it cannot be any worse than the life you are living at the moment.

I know it is always easy for others to tell you what to do when we are not living it but for your own sanity and self preservation you need to think very carefully how your live will evolve in the years to come, it will probably get more controlling and you will fear him completely.
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