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Old 23rd December 2011, 10:45 PM   #91
Forever
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sillyman View Post
Forever,

Right now it's not about waiting - it's about being the best dad I can be.

No one else could get in the way of me being there for my daughter, and let's face it, who would put up with a man who puts his family first - married or not.

I have to be there for my daughter - that'll never change. It will mean a single life, but that's just the way it will have to be.

SM
Who? Someone that is mature and understands a father's love and is made to feel confident while enjoying the difference. A confident woman would not feel threatened if she is being loved by you and would happily join you in your love for your daughter too. It happens, but there is a balance there...your daughter should never assume the "position" of a wife in your life if that makes any sense.
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Old 23rd December 2011, 10:51 PM   #92
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Forever,

That's true. But right now we're still tied together by our lives - work, child care etc etc.

Who knows what the future holds. We'll see.

SM
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Old 23rd December 2011, 10:56 PM   #93
Forever
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Re: Do I have any hope?

SM,
I know a very lovely man whose wife died of breast cancer five years ago. The few women he has had an interest in have been "rejected" by his daughter whole sale...she wants to remain in position as numero uno in his life. He has been heart broken a few times regarding this, because a decent self respecting good woman knows the trouble she would be in for if he cannot discern the difference between loving a wife and loving a daughter.

If you feel like no one should be in your life, that is good enough...just do not toy around with women who have no chance to change your mind. At some point, you will become lonely...perhaps after your daughter goes off to uni or gets married herself. The older your daughter gets, the more possessive she will be of you. She will not feel the same if your wife gets interested in another man...wierd how that works.
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Old 23rd December 2011, 11:47 PM   #94
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

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Originally Posted by Sillyman View Post
Lisa,

Thanks for your kind words. I don't have any friends close by - they're all far away. It's how it has to be right now - my daughter's happiness is of utmost importance right now, that's why I made the decision to not see her on Christmas Day. My w's family think badly of me, and I just don't want her to see her father being glared at.

They're finding it easy to take the moral high ground. It's easier for them to feel that way and believe it's the right thing to do.

SM
Well I think you are being very mature about all this, lots of parents could take a leaf out of your book. I wish you had been able to see your Daughter in the morning for a couple of hours just so that she has seen you. She will miss the man that makes her world go round. Ain't life hard, you take care x
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Old 23rd December 2011, 11:50 PM   #95
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

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Originally Posted by Forever View Post
Sweetheart,

Be very careful. You can squelch his warmer feelings for you that are starting to take root by turning down his goodwill...graciously accept the gifts. I also would caution you against telling him that he has to move out at any given date...the whole purpose is not to get rid of him so much as to get him to reconsider his wanting to leave is it not?
Thank you, I agree with this. I know the purpose is not to get rid of him, but I cannot carry on living together, but not if you know what I mean forever. I guess I will know when it gets to the point that I know he is not going to change his mind and just using me for a roof over his head. I sincerely hope he doesn't do that.
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Old 23rd December 2011, 11:54 PM   #96
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

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Originally Posted by Forever View Post
Sweetheart,

Something you said yesterday...that yelling is not his "style". Well, if it is yours, that is a deal breaker for him. Most men cant stand a woman who screams, pouts, cries and carries on in an emotional storm (it seems too infantile to them). You may (if you are interested in keeping him) need to change your style to suit having harmony in marriage.

He will reconsider leaving the relationship if he feels it is emotionally safe to stay...but time will be the acid test of proof for him. Men like logic and sound reasoning...sweetness and dignity in a woman.
Forever, I don't always shout, just when I get frustrated through lack of communication, but yes I do sometimes and he certainly doesn't like it. We have had a calm few days (no arguments or raised voices) and it feels good actually so am aware I would need to change that.
He seems much happier tonight, maybe thats just because he broke up from work, but it was nice anyway. Thank you x
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Old 23rd December 2011, 11:58 PM   #97
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Still following the book I just went to deliver my Brothers Xmas presents and just said I'm going out and I'll be back shortly. He was very much where are you going. Just got back and he is in bed watching TV. Feel a bit sad about that thought he might wait up for me to get back.
Still on the whole been a good day, just hope it is tomorrow and the next day.
Again thanks for your support, you really have been life savers you know x
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Old 24th December 2011, 12:14 AM   #98
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

I take that back, just popped my head around the bedroom door as I went to the bathroom to see if the dog was in there (he was). So just said jokingly, you stole my dog off me (we seem to be having him sleep with us on alternate nights, so one night I have him, the other night he does) and he snapped back at me, no he's my dog, he looked angry. I said I was only joking, not need to be funny with me. Great, we end the night on a bad note
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Old 24th December 2011, 12:18 AM   #99
chosen
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever View Post
SM,
I know a very lovely man whose wife died of breast cancer five years ago. The few women he has had an interest in have been "rejected" by his daughter whole sale...she wants to remain in position as numero uno in his life. He has been heart broken a few times regarding this, because a decent self respecting good woman knows the trouble she would be in for if he cannot discern the difference between loving a wife and loving a daughter.

If you feel like no one should be in your life, that is good enough...just do not toy around with women who have no chance to change your mind. At some point, you will become lonely...perhaps after your daughter goes off to uni or gets married herself. The older your daughter gets, the more possessive she will be of you. She will not feel the same if your wife gets interested in another man...wierd how that works.
There is always a balance isnt there, and I agree that our children need to be our children. My MIL made my husband her surrogate 'husband' because she rejected her real husband and they more or less lived seperate lives. My husband, as the oldest, then had all of her emotional needs put on him and that made it very hard for him. They never had a good relationship, and he moved the otherside of the world at age 28. They only met up 4 times after that and she died this year age 81. She never let him go emotionally.
I am SO glad that my husband only has sons and not daughters from his first marriage, because step daughters can be so much more difficult than step sons when it comes to their dads. A child should never be allowed to dictate to the parent what they can do or cant do, or who they can see, as in your story forever. That daughter will never ever let her dad live his own life unless he changes things.She has been allowed to control him and that is SOOO wrong.
Yes our children are very important, but there is room in our lives for a partner as well as a child. I know a man who married this year. He lost his wife to cancer and only 12 weeks later, met a lady whose husband died 10 years ago. They both have children him 3 and her 2. They got together and a year later they married. All the children accepted it and are doing well.
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Old 24th December 2011, 12:32 AM   #100
Forever
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Re: Do I have any hope?

You know, take it from an old lady...no one here is suggesting that you have to walk on pins and needles and deny a measure of fairness while he is living in your house. We just advocate that you are calm and dignified. If it is indeed your dog, and you wish to have the dog in your room, you have every right to do so.

Him snapping and having an angry scowl should be met with silence rather than an apology if the dog belongs to you indeed...no reason to apologise for what is rightfully yours...just smile and call the dog to your room.
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Old 24th December 2011, 12:49 AM   #101
bandit0000
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Forever, wasn't really about the dog, which is his, I bought him fo him. Its just that we have been having a joke each night saying you stole my dog. So just could nt understand tonight when I said it, he seemed snappy, especially as we have been ok together today. Just seemed a shame. He has since been down and said goodnight to me though. Thank you.
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Old 24th December 2011, 12:57 AM   #102
Forever
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Re: Do I have any hope?

Oh, so I guess joking is off the table during this time then. That is ashamed...but if you try to keep it light hearted (business as usual) while he is contemplating heavy duty "stuff" I can see where he might get annoyed.
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Old 24th December 2011, 01:03 AM   #103
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Re: Do I have any hope?

i thought maybe he was annoyed i went out to my brothers when we seemed to be having a decent night, but i am probably reading it all wronh. X
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Old 24th December 2011, 01:07 AM   #104
Forever
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Re: Do I have any hope?

I am thinking that somewhere in that book it says that you ought not to try and speculate about his every thought and feeling as such...(or maybe that is the 180 rules). It will drive you mad trying to figure out a man who is no where emotionally healthy. Just be your lovely sweet self and do the things that are of interest and valuable to you...dont worry about what he is thinking or what his problem is...he will have to sort those himself.
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Old 24th December 2011, 11:21 AM   #105
Chamomile
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Re: Do I have any hope?

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Chamomile I am 40, H is 43. This is my 3rd relationship, 1st one 9yrs from the age of 14, he told me he wanted to leave at xmas (thats why this is particularly bad for me this time and H knew how upset I was about that one ending at xmas), second one 14 yrs, my ex would not get married or allow me children, the had an internet affair for 14 mnths before I finally left him (he is still trying to get me back after 3 1/2 yrs) and then this one with my H. Thats not that bad is it lol? H was married for 15 yrs with the lady of his 3 children and left her because he said she was messing around. His 2nd marriage lasted a year and a half, she drank a lot and he said she was messing around too. Hope that gives you a little more background. X
Hi Lisa

You have been through a lot haven't you? ((((Lisa))))
You're in good hands with these lovely ppl over this site.

Have a Happy Christmas xxx
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