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Old 19th April 2013, 10:31 AM   #16
chosen
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anon View Post
He is 33 this year! After much thought I have decided that we should try marriage counselling after all what have we got to lose. My only fear is, what if it doesn't work and we are back in this situation again. I want to get that love back, I took my vows very seriously and I am not one for just giving up. It's whether I can stay with someone for the rest of my life knowing he can't give me what I want, or is it that fact that the choice has been taken away from me buy the man I married and I started to resent him. Hopefully all these questions can be answered.
Hopefully the counselling wll help you to be able to sort out this child issue.
Marriage is desperately important to me also, but I do know that I could never have been in a marriage where I wasnt allowed to have children. Only you can decide whether he is worth going childless for, and may be after some counselling you can make that decision.
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Old 19th April 2013, 01:00 PM   #17
Raymond
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

I understand your faithfulness to the vows of marriage you made Anon and I respect you for that.

The only thing stopping you having children at the moment is his will.

Perhaps a good counsellor might be able to get him to see the importance of it to you although you have got to be careful that it isn't manipulated. Best to go for counselling for your marriage and it is bound to come up. A good idea I think.

There is a chance he may eventually recognise that it is more than you just changing your mind. This thing is bigger than you and you are just being a woman.

Last edited by Raymond; 19th April 2013 at 01:06 PM.
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Old 19th April 2013, 02:25 PM   #18
Forever
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

Umm...part of what you need to get your head wrapped around is the TRUTH dear.

You said that "he took the choice away from you".

He did not. That is actually what YOU are now trying to do to him.

You BOTH went into the marriage having made and agreeing to the exact same choice...that is why he got snipped. So in effect, you made a "vow" to him too regarding that aspect, which you are now trying to back out of. Is your word going to be worth something or not?

He took nothing away from you that you had not already agreed to...unless you were being dishonest in order to get him to the altar?

You gradually changed your mind once the reality you agreed to began to tug at you...something you warned him that could happen, and which is now upon you.

He made it clear that if you wanted children, that he would have to set you free...this issue now seems to be a deal breaker for both of you.

So he is not really being a villain towards you...that is sooo important for you to understand...that way, when you finish breaking his heart, you should handle that with compassion for him...he did nothing wrong. He does not want to be a dad and was more certain about that fact than you were about being a mom.

You going out and acting badly...like a single gal on the hunt for a potential new relationship before divorcing him was too premature...(but done in despair, I get it)...yet, look at what has happened since and because of doing that. Now, you cant even love him enough to get back to your original agreement and be honorable about it.

Nevertheless:

I think you will be miserable and yearning and resenting him for decades to come if you keep the marriage whilst trying to quell your feelings about having children. So I am sorry to say that you are going to have to cut that man loose and hope that the next one is able to understand and give you the children that will fulfill you...and assuming that YOU are able to even have any too.

If this is such a great guy...a keeper otherwise, what makes you think that another guy who does give you children wont turn out to be a nightmare in the relationship over time? What if you have a couple of children and then up divorced from the father of them?

Last edited by Forever; 20th April 2013 at 01:16 AM.
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Old 19th April 2013, 08:25 PM   #19
chosen
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

Also you do need to understand that even if he did agree to try for a child, the success rates for reversal and subsequent success in conception are not good.
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Old 20th April 2013, 08:16 AM   #20
Raymond
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

If it is 3 months to 4 years since your vasectomy, our success rate is 97%

If it is 10 years or less since your vasectomy, then our success rate is 92%

If it is 11 to 18 years since your vasectomy, then our success rate is 75%

If it is 19 years or more since your vasectomy, then our success rate is 50%

Just a clip from a British surgeon's web. Obviously the less time the better.
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Old 20th April 2013, 10:19 AM   #21
chosen
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

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If it is 3 months to 4 years since your vasectomy, our success rate is 97%

If it is 10 years or less since your vasectomy, then our success rate is 92%

If it is 11 to 18 years since your vasectomy, then our success rate is 75%

If it is 19 years or more since your vasectomy, then our success rate is 50%

Just a clip from a British surgeon's web. Obviously the less time the better.
Is that succes for a reversal or success as in he then goes on to father a child?
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Old 20th April 2013, 12:30 PM   #22
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

Yes Forever, I should have re phrased that he didn't take it away because it was what we agreed! It's me that's changed and got us into this mess! I can't help how I feel! Thanks Raymond for the information but he isn't going to get a reversal, and I dont expect him to either!
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Old 20th April 2013, 12:34 PM   #23
Anon
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

And I am honourable to at least try and get back that agreement me made which is why we are going to marriage counselling! I don't know it will work, but I can only try! I at least owe it to him and myself to try.
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Old 20th April 2013, 01:59 PM   #24
Forever
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

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Is that succes for a reversal or success as in he then goes on to father a child?
Good point Chosen...that is just the success rate for the ability to say that the "surgery" itself is a success.

The rate of pregnancy is about a third less than each of those figures depending on how much time had gone by. So if there is a 97% success rate for the surgery itself, then the pregnancy rate drops to somewhere in the 60's% and so on.

The complications come because of the changes that occurred in the body trying to adapt to this unnatural procedure. It is worse for women who had this procedure...they more often end up with tubal pregnancies and losing the baby (and their fallopian tube) most times due to the egg getting caught up in the scar tissue in the fallopian tubes. I had that done...only because the Lord gave me the "green light" to do so. I had two more sons...five years apart, which meant we tried for a LONG time between sons before we finally had success again. I was 37 when we had our last child.

The other downside of this is that although a couple will have lots of fun trying for a baby...they will have to keep going back to the doctor to determine why it is not happening...then, the other partner will become suspect for fertility problems and on and on. This expense is not covered by insurance...at least, not when we went through it.

Last edited by Forever; 20th April 2013 at 02:23 PM.
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Old 20th April 2013, 07:50 PM   #25
Raymond
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

The main point is that there is a chance should he ever decides to change his mind. Obvously that increases the sooner in time he decides.

Let us know what comes up in the counselling Anon.

Chosen if they say success I would have thought it means the parts now work. i.e. produces seed. Otherwise what's the point.
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Old 21st April 2013, 05:29 AM   #26
chosen
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

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And I am honourable to at least try and get back that agreement me made which is why we are going to marriage counselling! I don't know it will work, but I can only try! I at least owe it to him and myself to try.
Yes, do try.(As long as you can deal with not having kids)
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