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Old 1st May 2013, 08:15 PM   #226
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Regardless of the future Freddie the key thing is that she has not repented over the adultery. Neither does she show any signs of doing so. That puts a massive mountain between you in my view. Until that is mended there is no future in the marriage.

I don't think you can mend it just like that. It has to come from her.

I didn't say you were a doormat but I do see the danger of you becoming one.

Are you saying her mental condition excuses her adultery?
We have been over all this several times, I am trying to move forward
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Old 2nd May 2013, 09:41 AM   #227
chosen
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Regardless of the future Freddie the key thing is that she has not repented over the adultery. Neither does she show any signs of doing so. That puts a massive mountain between you in my view. Until that is mended there is no future in the marriage.

I don't think you can mend it just like that. It has to come from her.

I didn't say you were a doormat but I do see the danger of you becoming one.

Are you saying her mental condition excuses her adultery?
I have to agree here, If she isnt repentant and wont even admit she was wrong, whats to stop her doing it again?She seems to have no regrets or shame for what she did to her own family.
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Old 2nd May 2013, 11:39 AM   #228
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

All I am saying is I am giving her time. People who have advised me about the 'Fog' state of mind have told me that it could take them a couple of years to get out of it. I am patient but I am not waiting years. I am observing her to see what signals she is sending (they could be for a number of reasons, though).

Here are two examples, I am trying not to read too much into these:

Yesterday my wife bought me a beer to have with my dinner, which she prepared (OK only a pre-cooked pizza). She noticed that I stopped drinking beer (which I used to have with my dinner) since she revealed her affair. Then she went to use Facebook; She had suspended her FB account some months ago (out of shame?). She restored her account and changed her profile photo. She put a glamorous photo of her but with her head bent down hiding her face under her hair, she is not smiling. Telling?

My wife adopted a double barrelled name when we got married, her surname and mine. Sometimes she used only my surname, as on the FB account. But this year she started removing my surname and using only hers. However in the FB account she left her first name and my surname only, in full view of all her contacts. I hope it is not because she does not know how to change her name!

On the other hand, I think she has been texting the OM, but I am not sure yet.

However, I need to find a way to tell her that I entirely disapprove of even text messaging, without creating conflict and especially if I am wrong! She may think that I am contented with the situation, but then she thought so before and then she got my reaction when she relaxed about the affair.

Last edited by freddie; 2nd May 2013 at 12:08 PM.
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Old 2nd May 2013, 02:29 PM   #229
chosen
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

I think you need to make it clear that there should be no contact either by text or facebook or email.
The trouble with you still being together is that she may think that she can just carry on the same way again with no consequenses and no results.
WHy cant you set a clear boundary in this and say that unless she wants to loose you and the girls she has to stop any unfaithfullness and lying?
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Old 2nd May 2013, 03:04 PM   #230
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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I think you need to make it clear that there should be no contact either by text or facebook or email.
The trouble with you still being together is that she may think that she can just carry on the same way again with no consequenses and no results.
WHy cant you set a clear boundary in this and say that unless she wants to loose you and the girls she has to stop any unfaithfullness and lying?
Yes but how do I do it now that she has started the divorce (although it looks like she cannot get the money to pursue it) and without starting a big fight again?, What do I do as a boundary if she says no? what do I say I specifically will or will not do?
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Old 2nd May 2013, 06:45 PM   #231
Forever
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Great questions Freddie,

Depends on how you are stacked up and willing to take risks.

She does work and have income yes? So how is that (her money) being spent...in other words, are you the one paying for her mobile service or internet service?

If you are, I would cancel those things, resume your own in another account, and tell her that she can sign up for getting her own after you move out or whenever she thinks she can afford it. Why are you providing her the tools to hurt you with? You are moving soon right? So you can get her a plain mobile that does not have internet or texting capabilities for "emergencies" and load 30 minutes on it.

Want more suggestions? If you cant handle that, I dont know what else to tell you since she is the one who pursued divorce...she is the one who needs to stop depending on you hence forth if she is planning to continue that direction. That should start with all the extra's you provide as well as putting an end to her violating you with the texting/Facebooking.

There are things you can do that do not require her permission, rather just inform her that since a divorce is in progress, that you are separating yourself as well as assets to make the transition.

Last edited by Forever; 2nd May 2013 at 07:18 PM.
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Old 2nd May 2013, 09:52 PM   #232
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Forever,

Yes, I separated the money a couple of months ago. As she has no sense with money, she is already broke. She had claimed her legal costs from me for the divorce, my solicitor said no and now she has withdrawn her claim for costs. I have no idea where she is going to get money for the divorce from. She owes 7500 in her credit cards already, and now she will have to pay for everything in the house. As I said it before, the other day I had to lend her 20 for the train to go to work the following week.

I know she is just going to hide her head in the sand until I come to rescue her from disaster like I have always done, but this time I will not be there.
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Old 2nd May 2013, 11:16 PM   #233
Forever
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Well, as I have said...in order to keep as much friction from developing as you see her texting or on Facebook, and if those things are within your control...you can disconnect them and tell her it is because you find it hurtful and that she might as well get her own accounts going as you do not want to pay for something that you now see as being against the marriage whilst you are still there.

I wonder if she is going to "enforce" the Judge's orders to make you move out??? I mean, since she is in such financial straights, how is she going to manage if she does that???
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Old 3rd May 2013, 08:01 AM   #234
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Well, as I have said...in order to keep as much friction from developing as you see her texting or on Facebook, and if those things are within your control...you can disconnect them and tell her it is because you find it hurtful and that she might as well get her own accounts going as you do not want to pay for something that you now see as being against the marriage whilst you are still there.

I wonder if she is going to "enforce" the Judge's orders to make you move out??? I mean, since she is in such financial straights, how is she going to manage if she does that???
I do not mind her using Facebook, I sincerely doubt she has a connection with the OM in it. She knows I can look to see. It even pleases me that she is making contact with the outside world again, under her married name with my surname only. It is the texting that bothers me.

She is stubborn and she hides her head in the sand, she will just let the order for me to leave happen. I think that, if she had no connection with the OM, this separation would be a good thing. We will still see each other most days. It will give her time to think on her own and maybe even realise what she is losing, but not if she thinks she has got another man lined up (which I doubt even if they are texting)
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Old 3rd May 2013, 09:53 AM   #235
chosen
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Forever,

Yes, I separated the money a couple of months ago. As she has no sense with money, she is already broke. She had claimed her legal costs from me for the divorce, my solicitor said no and now she has withdrawn her claim for costs. I have no idea where she is going to get money for the divorce from. She owes 7500 in her credit cards already, and now she will have to pay for everything in the house. As I said it before, the other day I had to lend her 20 for the train to go to work the following week.

I know she is just going to hide her head in the sand until I come to rescue her from disaster like I have always done, but this time I will not be there.
No you must not rescue her because you are then enabling her bad behaviour.If she wants out of the marriage she will need to learn to budget and pay off her debts.
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Old 3rd May 2013, 12:16 PM   #236
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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No you must not rescue her because you are then enabling her bad behaviour.If she wants out of the marriage she will need to learn to budget and pay off her debts.
I was wondering if a good strategy to deliver antother blow to the already damaged relationship with the OM, is to 'starve' her so that she goes on her knees to ask him for money, then he will know what it is all about for sure (I already told his parents)

Last edited by freddie; 3rd May 2013 at 12:35 PM.
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Old 3rd May 2013, 12:51 PM   #237
chosen
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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I was wondering if a good strategy to deliver antother blow to the already damaged relationship with the OM, is to 'starve' her so that she goes on her knees to ask him for money, then he will know what it is all about for sure (I already told his parents)
If you have already told his parents then they will have probably told him.I am wondering what is in it for him if he knows that she wont move to where he lives and he isnt prepared to move to where you live. There seems to be no fututre in it at all and yet they still carry on.
Have you ever asked her how she will pay for the divorce and how she will manage financially when you stop paying all the bills?
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Old 3rd May 2013, 02:08 PM   #238
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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If you have already told his parents then they will have probably told him.I am wondering what is in it for him if he knows that she wont move to where he lives and he isnt prepared to move to where you live. There seems to be no fututre in it at all and yet they still carry on.
Have you ever asked her how she will pay for the divorce and how she will manage financially when you stop paying all the bills?
Not yet, we are still not talking enough to discuss this, especially if she takes it as "If I go away you will be in financial trouble"

I know, I think and think why they continue to talk (they do not even meet) if they already know that one is a liar and the other has no morals plus the practical problems with the distance.
If my wife and I establish some real communication, I will ask her these things and to end the relationship of her own accord and go ahead with the divorce if she wishes.
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Old 4th May 2013, 01:51 AM   #239
chosen
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Not yet, we are still not talking enough to discuss this, especially if she takes it as "If I go away you will be in financial trouble"

I know, I think and think why they continue to talk (they do not even meet) if they already know that one is a liar and the other has no morals plus the practical problems with the distance.
If my wife and I establish some real communication, I will ask her these things and to end the relationship of her own accord and go ahead with the divorce if she wishes.
Isnt the divorce going though anyway?

Have you asked the OM if he will end it?
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Old 4th May 2013, 07:47 PM   #240
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Isnt the divorce going though anyway?

Have you asked the OM if he will end it?
I believe the OM has ended it twice but my wife may be clinging, it may not be working and that is why she is depressed and angry. I will certainly not ask for any favours from the OM. If I 'ask' him to end it, it will be as a demand.
I still cannot find an opportunity to ask my wife to end it for good.

The divorce is supposed to be going through but the wife has no money for her solicitors so I do not know what is going on.
My wife withdrew her claim for divorce expenses from me, is that saying something? Would the OM be so stupid to give her money for the divorce?
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