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Old 5th April 2013, 01:00 AM   #136
Forever
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Re: My wife had an 18 month affair

Sorry, you DO have something to lose I know...what I meant was you have tried everything else...

You suddenly "giving up" is VERY SCARY to a woman...even if all they "think" they want is a convenient platform to launch a new life from. If there is anything in her heart still there for you, this will frighten her to know that she is losing you because of her own stubborn selfishness and coldness towards your needs. This has been all about her and nothing about YOU.

If you do implement this, there may come a point where she accuses you of not caring about her blah blah blah and that you have not forgiven her the affair in spite of her stopping it. You can then calmly tell her that checking out of the relationship has nothing to do with the affair...but EVERYTHING with how she has treated you since. That you were willing to overlook that in favor of building a better marriage...but SHE is doing nothing to meet you on grounds that would have enabled you to see it through. Her recently saying that her feelings for the OM have not lessened was the final blow to your heart. That will give her something to chew on.

I will stay off your thread unless you ask me a question.
Good Luck and God Bless

Last edited by Forever; 5th April 2013 at 01:41 AM.
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Old 5th May 2013, 06:59 PM   #137
snowmike
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Re: My wife had an 18 month affair

Update time.

All change. I came to the conclusion that it was not going to work and that I needed to move-on..... I asked my wife to leave to which she has agreed. She hopes to hear next week if she has agreed terms on a small furnished rental property, which is available immediately.

I joined an on-line dating site and my world has really changed. I realised my self esteem ws on the floor and this was a way I could change things. I wont go into the details but I am, according to others, a bit of a catch for the ladies... this has turned out to be the case and I am currently talking to a number of interesting women on-line and have dated one and am dating another tonight. Needless to say, this has done wonders for my self-esteem and has made me happy for the first time in more than 6 months.

I now realise there are plenty more fish in the sea. That plenty of them are interested in meeting me and that I want to meet them and have some fun. I am making it clear I am not looking for a serious relationship and have no intention of jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. But I am now getting what my wife would not give me and I am enjoying it.

I find it amazing how in one month, I have turned from being deeply unhappy to almost like an excited teenager - somewhere in that time period a switch was flipped and I turned the corner.

I just want to let everybody on here know that you were a great support when I was deeply unhappy and I didn't know how to deal with matters. THANKS.
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Old 5th May 2013, 10:54 PM   #138
chosen
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Re: My wife had an 18 month affair

Snowmike, I am glad that you are feeling better, but please be careful. A man who is an expert on divorce and remarriage, and who has counselled countless people going through what you are, says that it takes 2-3 years to be ready for another relationship, and that is after the divorce. So many second marriages fail because people rush into them far too soon. You may not be intending to get serious, but you dont know what will happen and just because you dont want a serious relationship, many of the women you are meeting may be looking for just that and may get very hurt.
Can you not go out with male friends or a group? Or take up an interesting hobby or sport?
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Old 7th May 2013, 08:47 AM   #139
Raymond
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Re: My wife had an 18 month affair

Hope it all works out for you Snowmike. Let us know down the line how it works out. That marriage was killing you it seems. We never saw any regret over the affair from her.
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Old 19th May 2013, 08:16 PM   #140
Fallout Boy
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Re: My wife had an 18 month affair

Hey Snowmike, good to hear you are doing well can you recommend any good dating sites mate ?
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Old 19th May 2013, 10:15 PM   #141
chosen
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Re: My wife had an 18 month affair

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Originally Posted by Fallout Boy View Post
Hey Snowmike, good to hear you are doing well can you recommend any good dating sites mate ?
There are loads and loads of dating sites.I met my husband on one, but all the ones I went on were Christian ones.My advise, don't use free ones and be aware that all sites have scammers and conmen/women on them no matter how careful they are.
Also they have their fair share of strange people an weirdos, as well as the normal people.
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Old 23rd May 2013, 07:53 PM   #142
snowmike
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Re: My wife had an 18 month affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Snowmike, I am glad that you are feeling better, but please be careful. A man who is an expert on divorce and remarriage, and who has counselled countless people going through what you are, says that it takes 2-3 years to be ready for another relationship, and that is after the divorce. So many second marriages fail because people rush into them far too soon. You may not be intending to get serious, but you dont know what will happen and just because you dont want a serious relationship, many of the women you are meeting may be looking for just that and may get very hurt.
Can you not go out with male friends or a group? Or take up an interesting hobby or sport?
Update - I have met 3 nice women and have got intimate with 2 of them. I have made it clear to all 3 that I am unable to commit to anyone at this time and that I am meeting other women and I am just having a bit of fun and enjoying some female company and they can take it or leave it. I am being completely honest and upfront. I can't do more than that. All 3 continue to meet up with me.

My wife has moved out a week ago and it has been sad - very sad. I have been unable to spend a whole evening in my house for almost 3 weeks - I just can't face it and whilst I am having fun, there is no doubt I doing this as a distraction to what is really happening in my life.

Seeing male friends or taking up a sport would not be enough to take away the sad feelings I have....

**** happens and I will get over it, but it is not easy. This is my therapy. It is the only way I have found to make me feel better. I will continue to move on - onwards and upwards.
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Old 23rd May 2013, 08:13 PM   #143
chosen
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Re: My wife had an 18 month affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by snowmike View Post
Update - I have met 3 nice women and have got intimate with 2 of them. I have made it clear to all 3 that I am unable to commit to anyone at this time and that I am meeting other women and I am just having a bit of fun and enjoying some female company and they can take it or leave it. I am being completely honest and upfront. I can't do more than that. All 3 continue to meet up with me.

My wife has moved out a week ago and it has been sad - very sad. I have been unable to spend a whole evening in my house for almost 3 weeks - I just can't face it and whilst I am having fun, there is no doubt I doing this as a distraction to what is really happening in my life.

Seeing male friends or taking up a sport would not be enough to take away the sad feelings I have....

**** happens and I will get over it, but it is not easy. This is my therapy. It is the only way I have found to make me feel better. I will continue to move on - onwards and upwards.
Its just that, a distraction, and will do nothing to help you in the long term. Its like the person who drinks to numb the pain, the pain it still there when the alcohol has worn off.
Its only one week since she left, you will feel bad, but womanising wont help, it really wont.
Nothing will take away the sad feelings, you just have to live through them and gradually you will begin to heal.
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Old 29th May 2013, 12:28 AM   #144
snowmike
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Re: My wife had an 18 month affair

I am sorry Chosen, but womanising as you call it, is helping. I enjoy the company of these woman - they are nice people and I like to be with them and I don't think of my ex when I am with them. They like me and we enjoy each others company. It is fun.
Yes, it is a distraction but a welcome distraction. It is helping me thru' the pain of my loss. I think my ex is back with her affair partner, so I have to move on and I am......
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Old 29th May 2013, 05:53 AM   #145
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Re: My wife had an 18 month affair

Good for you Snowmike.

My wife and I are currently separating and hope to both be in new homes within a couple of months. I'm with you, can't wait to be away from her so I can start my life again.
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Old 29th May 2013, 12:54 PM   #146
chosen
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Re: My wife had an 18 month affair

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Originally Posted by snowmike View Post
I am sorry Chosen, but womanising as you call it, is helping. I enjoy the company of these woman - they are nice people and I like to be with them and I don't think of my ex when I am with them. They like me and we enjoy each others company. It is fun.
Yes, it is a distraction but a welcome distraction. It is helping me thru' the pain of my loss. I think my ex is back with her affair partner, so I have to move on and I am......
Trouble is that so many do this and jump into another relationship/marriage far to soon and then too late realise that they were only doing that to fill the gap and avoid the grieving that had to be gone through. Its not going to do you any good to have all these women friends and especially to sleep with them. It will only cause more pain and heartache. I can only warn you.
I will never understand how anyone who has just had their marriage break up can be emotionally ready to date.
I was so devastated when my 23 year marriage ended, that it was 3-4 years before I was anywhere near ready to even think of anyone else. It was 6 years before I met my husband. My whole focus was to be the best mum I could, and to help my hurting children and to give them stability and security, and that's where all my energies went to.
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Old 7th June 2013, 05:44 PM   #147
snowmike
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Re: My wife had an 18 month affair

Well we will have to disagree. I am honest with the women I meet and I tell them the situation. My sons are in their 20s, I don't have them to focus on. They have their own lives. What do you suggest I do for 3 or 4 years till my mid fifties.....

No, I am getting on with my life and having some fun. Surely to goodness you can't blame me for taking a positive decision and deciding to move-on??? I am getting on with my life and that is the best thing I can do.
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Old 7th June 2013, 08:43 PM   #148
Forever
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Re: My wife had an 18 month affair

It's okay Snowmike...you have no moral obligation to wait to "see" women after what your wife has done. The only thing I would advise is that you try to date women who wont jump into the sack with you at least until there is a ring (engagement) on her finger and a wedding date set. That way you can be a little more certain that she will not follow the same course of action that your ex wife did when relationship problems arise (they always do). If it were me, I would be dating simply to get a better "idea" of the kind of man I wanted...character wise that is, instead of just pleasuring my emotions and physical needs. But if you are not a Christian, then this idea may not appeal to you.

Some people go through the "grieving process" in spurts...moments where they have their cry and longing for a different outcome...and this even happens before the marriage is finally over, but they still are able to move forward with someone new...that's the way I am...but I would not sleep with anyone just to soothe myself, and I would be dating exclusively with the intention of finding out about a man's true character...and they would know up front that there would be no sex on any level...it has a tendency to "muddy the waters" and gets in the way of taking a more serious observation of compatibility on other levels.

However, these women who will bed you down are more than distractions...they are people who will have sex "just because" they are interested in offering you something that they know every man wants...this is "bait" and even though they know what you are saying, they dont believe you for a minute because of what you are doing...you are forming a bond that goes beyond the physical with them...they know that too. Is that what you want? To sleep around and use women thinking that they really have no other intentions other than a jolly good time?

A good woman who is marriage "material" will not want a man who sleeps around to quench emotional pain. She will not trust that you will not repeat that behavior when the sh!t hits the fan in marriage. Your "history" (how you handle stress and emotional pain) matters...especially when the chips are down.

Good luck!

Last edited by Forever; 7th June 2013 at 09:41 PM.
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Old 10th June 2013, 10:19 AM   #149
Raymond
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Re: My wife had an 18 month affair

Very wise words Forever.

"you are forming a bond that goes beyond the physical with them"

I have learned that we form soul ties when we have sex. These ties outside of marriage can effect the good tie within marriage. I once counseled a wife who made these ties before marriage which were affecting the sexual relationship within her marriage. She had to confess before the soul ties could be broken. When a woman sleeps with a man outside of marriage she is giving part of herself away. Some do it so much that they do not know who they are anymore. Not popular stuff but true nevertheless.
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Old 16th June 2013, 11:34 PM   #150
chosen
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Re: My wife had an 18 month affair

I have never met a person yet who was emotionally ready to date as soon as they separated. Statistics bare this out, and that is one reason why 60% of second marriages end in divorce. Its easy to look for someone else to provide that comfort and distraction so that we dont have to face the pain of a marriage break up, but we need to go through the pain and healing and learning before we are anywhere near ready to have another relationship.
All those in the know advise a period of waiting and healing before dating again. Men especially do tend to jump into another relationship far too soon. It does no good usually, and sleeping around is the worse thing you can do.
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