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Old 14th July 2013, 12:39 AM   #1
Lauren
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Need some help...

I have been married 22 years. I have felt that for the most part it has been a good marriage. My only complaint is that he is not affectionate at all. We have a very very active sex life though. About 5 months ago he tells me he lost his desire in our marriage about 4 years ago and he wants to move out and divorce. Say what??? I was so blindsided I cant even tell you. How can we go from having sex about 6 times a week, laughing and spending time together to hey I don't feel it I want a divorce. So we spent the weekend talking and he was adamant he was leaving. My son happened into the room that night saw I was sad and after he left the room my husband did an about face and said we would work on things. Fast forward 5 months, we still have sex 6 times a week or so, joke laugh etc.. some days he is very happy, other days he is so quiet and distant, which just kills me because I am consistently wondering what the hell is going on in his mind. If I ask him he tells me we are fine. I have been checking his phone for weird number, emails and credit cards but nothing is out of the ordinary. I am 100% positive he isn't cheating, but I wonder if he is just out of love with me? Is it possible that you can just fall out of love? I am so attentive to him, tell him I love him, massage him a lot etc.. He wanted anal sex, so I agreed just for him (I wasn't a fan). I just wish he would reciprocate the love and attention but he doesn't. He isn't a jerk to me but I feel lonely half the time. I feel if he cant love me who will etc.. sounds silly to say that but I don't know what to do. How should I act to make him realize what he is doing to me?? Any thoughts?
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Old 14th July 2013, 01:10 AM   #2
Forever
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Re: Need some help...

Hi Lauren,
Sorry to hear that you are going through this crisis! Do some detective work regarding his history on the Web. See if he is spending time viewing Porn (wanting anal sex is usually not a man's natural inclination or original idea).

THEN, If you find out that he is watching/importing the things he sees, that would account for his lack of emotional commitment towards you...meaning, he is in another world where love is being replaced by sexual mechanics instead. This is the "gift" that keeps on giving as forbidden images replace the love and physical attraction that once resided in the heart. Essentially, the brain is chemically rewired as the emotions are replaced with a dopamine rush (excitement) instead. Normal sex does NOT appeal to men who are into porn, and they become emotionally disconnected in all but of being willing to have fun and sex. As their guilt increases, they eventually become angry, withdrawn, and try to deflect their shame on to you by using some small thing you may say or do. Eventually, they cannot perform sex w/o using techniques they see online to get and keep themselves aroused...then they stop altogether, especially if you do not comply.

If I am right, your husband may not be MBing...but storing up the images and then using your body for release instead...so you dont suspect anything...this is what mine does so that I cannot accuse him of foul play. He thinks MBing is a worse sin than mental/emotional cheating somehow (aka lust).

I hope I am wrong about your husband...but I have experienced the same thing for the last seven years and have done years of research on this. I have caught my husband (60) repeatedly. He still cannot turn his brain around however...because even though there is no internet at our home...he still has it at work...plus a stream of live women daily to flirt with and fantasize about. Oh yes, he still compliments me on my general appearance and such...but it is just words to appease and keep me guessing because he knows I would cut him off completely if he admitted to what "moves" him towards me at this stage of the game....in other words, he would have to find a way to "repent"...and he has no intention or desire to do that. Our sex life is down to twice a month...time enough for an older man to fill his own cup and then purge.

He is corrupted beyond repair...I am just a piece of meat...a "hole" to finish himself off with whilst the flesh parade keeps playing endlessly in his mind. Otherwise, everything is just peachy in our lives (it really is)...we get on great as long as I dont question him about why he "wants" me...I already know why...but I refuse the anal sex or any other perversion he comes up with.

Just so you know, my husband has always been this way...with his first wife of 20 years before me too..they divorced because he took his fantasy life too far and tried to solicit sex from their teenage daughter one day when he was drinking. He cheated on her repeatedly and she was clueless till after their divorce. He had corrupted himself from an early age. I do believe he can love on some level...the friendship kind...but THIS ruins any real affection and deeper love or commitment. He does not cuddle me or show natural loving affection other than holding my hand in public...it is a foreign concept and annoyance to him.

Let us know if you find anything online...because apart from him having an interest in another woman, I can only see Porn as the hidden culprit by the way he is behaving towards you.

Last edited by Forever; 14th July 2013 at 02:25 AM.
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Old 14th July 2013, 02:39 AM   #3
1aokgal
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Re: Need some help...

Hi Forever...

You deserve so much more than what is your life! Your break down of the phenomenon of life with a porn addicted man is pretty dead-on. Laurens' husband could also be a "sex addict" which is similar to an alcoholic, that he needs so much sex, and there are mixed signals concerning the stability of the marriage.

No woman should be agreeable to anal sex, unless she is moved to do so. Anal sex can cause a mass amount of damage both to delicate tissues and to functions that produces incontinence to older women. Nobody needs to "please" a husband to that degree, when to do so is uncomfortable, coerced, or there is pressure that to decline means he is angry or unpleasant when she refuses. True, that porn generally might suggest such diversions from normal, natural coitus.
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Old 14th July 2013, 09:59 AM   #4
Raymond
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Re: Need some help...

Porn could fit in here although it remains to be seen.

Lack of affection is a biggy and a lot of men still haven't learned this. Sex without any affection must be hard and must make it a bit meaningless. I think this is something that can be learned by a man. The book "His Needs Her Needs" outlines this in depth.

Obviously something is distracting him and it could be porn (which I always class as mental adultery). I would try that first as suggested. It would likely come from the internet. If it isn't that then it could be that he just wants to go astray which can be one of the effects of long term porn anyway.
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Old 14th July 2013, 12:58 PM   #5
Lauren
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Re: Need some help...

I am not sure on the porn addiction, it could be true. He is never on the internet at home but does have access at work. My wish would be that he wouldn't be so distant at times. He never ever just comes up to me and gives me a hug or kiss for no reason. I cant remember the last time he said he loved me first. I wish I could have the guts to leave him and make him wake up to what he has with me, but it kills me to think of him with another woman, so I am just hoping one day he will change. My gut tells me that he would love to be single to do whatever he wants but he is torn because we have children and he doesn't want to hurt them. Actually I am positive that if we didn't have the kids he probably would have left. The one thing that bugs me is if he is still planning on leaving me when our youngest graduates HS, I wish he would just leave now. I have been trying to get him to go away for the night with just me and he always says ok, but never follows through with making plans, then week later he wants to plan a trip for the whole family, which is nice, but I have been trying to get us to go away for some alone time as a couple and he isn't interested. Ahhhh frustrating! Why do I still love him so much????????
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Old 14th July 2013, 01:49 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Need some help...

It looks like he is neglecting the actual marriage and you Lauren, although he may well be good on other things. Your marriage itself is a prime candidate for work to be done on it by the sound of it but would he be willing?

Affection is very important for a woman although it can be expressed in different ways. The book the Five Languages of Love point out that we all have a different love language. My wife's turned out to be touch, hugs holding hands etc. I had to learn this as it was not natural to me being from an orphan background. However it is much more a part of me than it ever was. It can be learned where there is a willingness. The other languages could be Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts or Acts of Service. All vehicles of affection when you look at it. The marriage can be revived but it takes two to work on it. Walking away is not an option where there is commitment. Do you think he would be willing to work on his marriage? It can be done where there is a will. It seems obvious to me that he has not learned affection in it's fullest expression. I think the book His "Needs Her Needs" would reveal to him a lot about affection. This would merge in with his need for sex and give it far more meaning. I know I have been there, not that I give affection just for sex, but because it is part of the love I owe to her. Nevertheless it does reap benefits in the bedroom which might just motivate him.

It is unlikely that he would be a porn addict just using it at work but there might just be something there which might be energising his sexual drive in the wrong way as Forever and 1okgal have pointed out.

Last edited by Raymond; 14th July 2013 at 07:14 PM.
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Old 14th July 2013, 05:57 PM   #7
chosen
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Re: Need some help...

Ask him to get some good marriage counselling with you.
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Old 14th July 2013, 08:42 PM   #8
Lauren
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Re: Need some help...

He doesn't believe in counseling. He would never go. If I push any of these issues he gets mad and distant. So I am learning to just deal with it, well until I get the nerve to finally leave.
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Old 14th July 2013, 10:03 PM   #9
Forever
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Re: Need some help...

It is unlikely that he would be a porn addict just using it at work but there might just be something there which might be energising his sexual drive in the wrong way as Forever and 1okgal have pointed out.[/QUOTE]


Raymond,
It only takes a few moments to imprint images deep into the brain...seeing this stuff on his work computer is plenty enough. For instance, my husband stays after work an hour each day...and has all of Saturday between customers to view whatever he wants. I can tell that he has viewed because it is usually Saturday, out of the blue (and when his son is not at the store), that he wants sex when he gets home from work. Three years ago, I found "milk porn" stashed on our home computer...I can still vividly see the images today even though I was repulsed. Think how long the brain is able to carry and pull up images that it WANTS to remember.
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Old 15th July 2013, 01:14 AM   #10
1aokgal
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Re: Need some help...

Forever...

I would ask you what "milk porn" is...but I am afraid you might actually tell me!! Not sure I need or want to know that one!
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Old 15th July 2013, 09:52 AM   #11
Raymond
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Re: Need some help...

Exactly my sentiments although I have an inkling. I can't see that one can become a porn addict by one look Forever. Depends what's in them to start with I suppose. My guess is that if he was really into it he would have it at home. Not many would risk it at work with others around, unless they had solitary privacy there.

Lauren, it is sad that he doesn't want marriage counselling. Sounds like his head is in the sand. Does he mix with women at work? What I mean is would there be a chance that he is having an emotional affair there or something?

Last edited by Raymond; 15th July 2013 at 10:12 AM.
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Old 17th July 2013, 12:48 PM   #12
Raymond
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Re: Need some help...

How are you getting on Lauren. Any developments or clues as to what is going on.


Forever

I take your point about porn at work, although few would have the leisure and privacy at work to do that. I was curious enough to find out what it was. It does nothing for me. I didn't realise your husband still did porn. I am sorry.
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Old 18th July 2013, 11:55 AM   #13
chosen
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Re: Need some help...

Forever I wouldnt put up with what you do from a husband. We are very different people.
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Old 18th July 2013, 12:48 PM   #14
Raymond
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Re: Need some help...

It depends if a husband is trying to overcome it or whether he is unrepentant about it Chosen. If we apply the rule of divorce every time we come across porn maybe we would see more divorces in our churches? Who knows what is going on under cover?
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Old 18th July 2013, 05:01 PM   #15
chosen
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Re: Need some help...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
It depends if a husband is trying to overcome it or whether he is unrepentant about it Chosen. If we apply the rule of divorce every time we come across porn maybe we would see more divorces in our churches? Who knows what is going on under cover?
I agree Raymond, but I was specifically taking about Forevers case where it has been going on most of his adult life it seems.
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