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Old 4th August 2013, 02:51 PM   #1
topclick
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1
Me & My Wife Want Different Things

I'm sorry if it sounds like i'm pouring my heart out but I need some advice before I start going made.

I'm married with 1 step daughter and 1 infant son who I love very much. Me and my wife have been married for nearly two years but a huge crack has started to show.

She wants another baby but I'm happy with my son and step daughter. I'm the main bread winner and have provided for the past 4 years and there has not been one day where I have not struggled to make ends meet.

My problem is I always say YES and put other people feelings first and end up suffering myself. My wife also wants a new house but I simply can't afford it right now. I work 7 days a week and earn good money but the expense of living is too much especially when you can't say no.

There is so much I want to do in life but my wife is happy to sit in doors and do nothing, no adventures nothing.

I've sacrificed a lot for this marriage including moving miles away from all my family and friends. I see my family if i'm lucky once a month whilst my wife sees her family everyday. I have lost my social life as my friends do not invite me to things anymore. If I ever want to go out or visit my family I have to be back at a certain time and explain why I need to see them. I'm a 27 year old man and it breaks my heart to abandon my family and friends all because I want to keep my wife happy.

I've always viewed life as a 1 time opportunity so make the most of it. For the past few years I have not apart from bring up to wonderful children of whom I love more than anything else in this world. It breaks me to say this but my wife no longer makes me happy and I just feel like i'm living a complete lie is a prison like atmosphere.

I was diagnosed with depression last year, I told my wife it was due to my biological father leaving me but it was her and the pressure she puts me under.

For the first time in our married life I said NO to having another child and she burst into tears and told me I was very selfish. It broke my heart to see her cry but it also made me realise that she assumed that I want everything she wants which is simply not true.

Not that I have discussed this with my wife but I'm seriously considering a divorce as I'm no longer happy and know I can't give her what she wants. However I do not want this to effect the children and would also put them first before me and my feelings.

A lot of waffle but any advice would be greatly appreciated

Regards
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Old 4th August 2013, 08:25 PM   #2
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Me & My Wife Want Different Things

Top click
your wife is somewhat manipulative and controlling. Poeple who dont allow their spouses the freedom to see their family, friends or to do anything they enjoy, is controlling and suffocating.
The mistake you have been making is that you think you have to do everything she says, no matter how unreasonable, or she wont be happy. That is her way of controlling, by being mad if you dont do what she wants. People like your wife arent easy to handle, and are high maintenance.
There are ways that you can learn to handle things with her, but it will mean standing up to her and risking her wrath or tears or what ever means she chooses to get you to back down and do what she wants. If you then back down, it will be worse the next time because she will do the same.

I will recommend two good books at the end of the post.

MY husband was married for 23 years to a controlling lady, and sadly he did let her rule the roost and rarely stood up to her. The thing is that his mother had been the same, and his dad never stood up to her ,so he never learnt what to do or how to handle it. One of her weapons was sex. If she wasnt pleased with him, there was no sex. Very wrong. He wasnt depressed as such, but was always very very tired, drained and weary. He said that it was like banging your head against a brick wall.

With reference to family and friends, why cant you both go to see your family or have them over? Why not ask friends over as well or go and visit them as a family? Why does it have to be seperately?

Working 7 days a week isnt advisable or good for you. You need time with the children and time to unwind. If she demands more things or a new house, just tell her that it isnt going to happen because you cant afford it. Show her the income and outgoings.Make her see what the money situation is.
If she still complains, you may need to suggest that she gets a full time job and get family to have the baby or put him in a nursery.

It is not your job to always keep her happy if that means giving in to her like she was a screaming toddler. She appears to be a very demanding lady who isnt putting much into the family but is expecting a lot out. Sadly some people are givers and some are takers.
You havent told her anything about your deep sadness over this, or that she is the cause of the depression, and you HAVE to. I suggest that you do this in a counselling setting with a marriage counsellor there because she wont like this at all.

I dont believe is divorce just because things arent going as you want, especially when she doesnt even realise how hard you are finding the marriage. You both need to be 100% honest with each other and get some good help.

The books I recommend are

'Boundaries' by John Townsend. He has also written 'Boundaries in marriage.'
'In sheeps clothing' by George K Simon. This one is about understanding and dealing with manipulative people. You may need to keep that one at work, because the Title may make her mad if she sees it and thinks its about her.

You will probably have a battle on your hands, and will have to be very firm and very strong, but its either that or carry on like this. It may well get worse before it gets better.
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Old 5th August 2013, 01:53 AM   #3
1aokgal
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,006
Re: Me & My Wife Want Different Things

Hi Topclick...

Welcome to the forum. I hope you rethink thinking about divorce in response to some frustration ansd anger you feel about issues with your wife. You are not partnering in this marriage, as it sounds as if you feel inadequate as a man, unless you provide everything she wants. It seems to me she isn't getting the information about your true financial staus, as how much money it needs to run the household, and what salary comes into the house. She might believe that because you work 7 days a week there should be more money.

Many desire a new home or car and have no idea about the cost or the burden that would place on the household income with one worker. She needs to realize these matters in a sit down to let her know the state of your finances. You are not the father, who must provide for her needs, you are a man trying to do it all. No wonder you resent her and the demands she places on you! It is so wrong to work 7 days a week. That means she has to be both mother and father to the children, as you are not there or don't have the energy. She may feel another child will fill in for being lonely, as you work all the time.

Maybe she needs to find a part time job or full time job, if the kids are in school, and you work together on your obligations. Maybe if you both work together there will be harmony. There could be the means for a new home in the future. You will feel differently about her, when you partner together, and you are not the one who bends to her unreasonable demands. You have to get the truth of your finances out there and handle things together. Stop trying to carry her on your back and take on all the burdens in the marriage.

Spend time with your family, and take a day off each week, even if you have to live on a bit less money. That is how one is supposed to live life. Your marriage and your good health will buckle under the harsh reality of working every day for THINGS. Have less things, and more quality of time with your family.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 6th August 2013 at 03:35 AM.
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