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Old 16th April 2013, 11:03 AM   #1
Anon
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I don't love my husband anymore.

Hi everyone, if anyone could shed some light on my situation I would be very grateful! Me and my husband met where I was 24, I am now 31! Been married for four years,when we got married we both agreed that we didn't want children, as a result of this he had the snip three years ago. I did voice my concerns before he got it done that I may or may not change my mind. And last year I was starting to feel I was changing my mind, but have just tried to occupy my mind with other things. But I started to distance myself for him, leading a seperate life, going out with friends getting drunk, flirting, spending less time with my husband! And its has got to the point where I am not in love with him anymore. I think I was starting to resent him. So I sat him down and told him I wasn't happy, I wasn't in love with him anymore and that I wanted different things, kids! As you can imagine he is heartbroken. And I cannot see a way forward for us. He said he can't give me what I want and why would he with someone that is not in love with him l. But I would be willing to try and get that love back and try counselling, but is it going to be worth it if he can't give me what I want? I am so confused! I don't think I can put him through this hurt again.
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Old 16th April 2013, 12:41 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

I cant believe that anyone would give a young married man with no kids a vascectomy! However they can be reversed, althouth that isnt always successful. Would be be prepared to have that done, and/or to have ivf treatment?
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Old 16th April 2013, 12:42 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

You now have a desire for children which is natural.

I believe this snip is reversible and I would get him to check it out with his doctor.

If that is positive I would put every effort into restoring the love that you have. None of this is his fault. It is what you wanted at the time.
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Old 16th April 2013, 12:58 PM   #4
Anon
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

He doesn't want children whatever the options! He said he would only be doing it to make me happy, and why would he give someone a child who is not in love with him. Which is a fair point, but if we did work on it and I can fall back in love with him, he still doesn't want kids. He said if we had a child he would prob end up hating and resenting me. But if decide I want to work on the marriage, then he can't give me what I want, so I will end up resenting him and prob end up doing something stupid. And I can't hurt him like that, I have already hurt him enough! I just don't know what to do.
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Old 16th April 2013, 01:00 PM   #5
Anon
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

None of this is either of our fault, when I made my vows I made them knowing that me or him never wanted children. I have grown apart from him because I want different things, I feel aweful as he is the most fantastic man ever. But I can help how I feel!
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Old 16th April 2013, 03:49 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

Making a decision at such a young age that you didnt want chidren wasnt at all wise. If you are now certain that you do want children then it will be very hard to be in a marriage where you cant. I cant imagive not being able to have children, but I suppose I always did want them .
Does he give reasons? Do you think some counselling for you both may help sort this through.?
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Old 16th April 2013, 04:31 PM   #7
Forever
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

Hmm....basically what you are saying is that you will only "try" to love him and work on the marriage if he is willing to give you what you want?

And basically, what he is saying is that he would resent having any children with you... (he has not changed his mind about that).... especially since now he knows that you no longer love him.

He will get over his broken heart if you leave him in time, but you will not get over your desire to have children...it is wired into most women and grows stronger as time goes on and as we mature.

I had my tubes tied after our first two...then I changed my mind five years later and had them reversed. My EX went along for the "ride", thinking that the surgery would not work anyway (it usually doesn't)...but it did and we had two more sons. He left, never to return when our last child was only 1 yrs. old. We had other issues at work against the marriage...but having children did nothing to help resolve them...it only added to the complication of the split. Having children did nothing to "make" him love me...nor will it make you love your husband.

Having children is one issue...loving your husband is another. You went into this marriage loving your husband and knowing there would be no children yes? So are you saying that because you have changed YOUR mind, that your love for him can no longer thrive if he does not go along with your new desires?

You both may be better off if you do divorce him and get on with your new agenda. After that, I would wonder if he ends up meeting someone who has already had a few children and accepts them along with the new woman???

You might want to present this scenario to him, as that is exactly what may happen....he will likely fall in love with a woman who, at your ages, already has children in tow. If this is the case, ask him if he would accept the one, but why he would not give you what you want being you are already his wife. He will now say because you declared that don't love him (thus you don't "deserve" that sacrifice and risk).

If I were a man who's wife just declared that she does not love me...I sure would not get the snip reversed for her and chance paying child support down the road if she never gains back that love. I would feel blackmailed and manipulated...not a good foundation for moving forward, and not a guarantee that you will settle down and love him once again either.

Lose lose situation.
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Old 16th April 2013, 06:46 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

I think before you do the inevitable at least try to share the problem with him in a deeper way. It has obviously been eating away at you and he surely must have sensed your lack of affection towards him because of it.

As Forever indicated this is a fundemental desire in a woman which doesn't go away easily. If he cannot accept that then I don't know where it is going.

My wife asks what is the reason why he does not want children?

Last edited by Raymond; 16th April 2013 at 07:00 PM.
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Old 17th April 2013, 10:27 AM   #9
Anon
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

I understand where everyone is coming from, why would he give a baby to someone who doesn't love him, but I guess I have distanced myself from him for months living the single life because he told me if I ever did want kids he would need to let me go, so I have just thought well that's it then so I have stupidly done this to the point I have made myself be so distant that I have fell out of love with him. I want that love back but I don't know if I can knowing I'm never going to have children! His reason for not wanting kids is he has no desire to be a dad ever.
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Old 17th April 2013, 01:24 PM   #10
Raymond
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

Does he know the reason for your behaviour?
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Old 17th April 2013, 04:32 PM   #11
chosen
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

Sadly I dont think this marriage can work. A child is so very important, and you will aways regret it if you dont have one when you really do want one.
Its very unusual for anyone to refuse to have children but maybe he had a horrible childhood or something. If he is adamant, and you are also adamant then what alternative is there but to part while you are still young enough to maybe meet someone else who does want children. You also need to realise that you may not met anyone else, or at least not for years.Its not a given.
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Old 18th April 2013, 09:52 AM   #12
Anon
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

I have told him the reasons for distancing myself yes! I want to make it work, I'm made my vows for better or worse and this is as worse as its gonna get. But then can I get past this desire to have children? I honestly don't know!
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Old 18th April 2013, 09:56 AM   #13
Anon
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

He said his childhood had nothing to do with it! He just doesn't want to be dad, kids are a burden, why would anyone want that for the rest of their life? You know really hatred towards having children.
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Old 18th April 2013, 01:04 PM   #14
Raymond
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

Thank you for your answer Anon. It's very unusual to have that much distaste for children. I found them a real blessing growing up personally. Can I ask how old he is? Sometimes this desire changes as one get older as it did with you.

I admire your faithfulness to him but really wonder if you are cut out for a childless marriage. I know couples who are longing for children and can't have them.

It is difficult for you as you agreed with the premise to start with. I don't think it is going to go away and the only answer is for him to understand over time and have a change of mind. You obviously cannot force it.
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Old 19th April 2013, 09:03 AM   #15
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Re: I don't love my husband anymore.

He is 33 this year! After much thought I have decided that we should try marriage counselling after all what have we got to lose. My only fear is, what if it doesn't work and we are back in this situation again. I want to get that love back, I took my vows very seriously and I am not one for just giving up. It's whether I can stay with someone for the rest of my life knowing he can't give me what I want, or is it that fact that the choice has been taken away from me buy the man I married and I started to resent him. Hopefully all these questions can be answered.
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