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Old 27th June 2013, 11:49 PM   #1
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Now what to do?

Hi all again,

I've not been around for a while, about 16 months. Last time I was here you were a great help (see here)

For those who don't want to read all of the thread, basically W had an emotional affair with a guy she worked with, whilst I was off work with depression.

Now to bring you all up to date on what the last 16 months has held in store.

A little after my last post we started marriage counselling, which I'm glad we did. Even though we ended up apart. W moved out and moved in by herself, and said although she didn't hate me she didn't want to remain married to me, and that we should separate and get a divorce. It was agreed that we would live apart for 2 years then start the divorce, so neither side to blame.

Needless to say it hit me hard, but with friends I somehow got through it. Although I'm still not back at work full time (managed to move departments at work, and it's loads better) and still on anti-depressants.

We talk every now and then, mostly about joint issues, like the mortgage etc. So there are no hard feelings now between us, which I think is a real positive.

So fast forward to about 3 months ago, and I was introduced to a female friend of a friend. Anyway we have been seeing a bit of each other as friends, and once again life seemed to be worth living again. This girl knows all about my current situation, and we have been talking about dating. A sort of as I am technically still married, although separated, I don't want to have an affair.

Anyway, she has been great and doesn't want me to do anything that is likely to do anything that could count against me if my W turns nasty.

Her (that is my female friend) has introduced me to her family etc as a friend, and even they have commented on how well we seem together. And I would be lying if I said I didn't have some feelings for her. But I'm not wanting to rush into anything, and I certainly don't want anything to be a re-bound relationship.

So whilst all that is happening, I come home form a few days away yesterday and find W has moved back into the house. She is now wanting us to work again at getting back together. As we are still technically married, and therefore should give it another go.

I'm so confused now, as there is part of me saying, give my marriage another go. After all I promised for better for worse and till death us do part, and I did mean that. Even if there are no feelings for my W now.

However there is another part of me that is saying, do I really want it to work. After all my W left me, is there another issue here etc. And if I do give it another go what do I do with this other female friend of mine, as I do have feelings for her.

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Old 28th June 2013, 01:09 AM   #2
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: Now what to do?

Hi Bob,
Give your marriage another go...time will tell if that will net anything for both of you. Meanwhile, tell the other lady that this is your do the honorable thing and try with all your might to keep your vows. This OW should be able to respect and appreciate this (especially if the shoe were on her own foot, so to speak). If she is a decent person, she would want you to give your marriage the benefit of a honorable try seeing that this opportunity to do so presented itself.

You can always contact her if things fall apart at the seams...and if you and your wife do manage to renew the marriage...what have you lost except a "possibility" that could have just as easily turned out as another loss?

It is amazing the timing huh? Just when you thought all was lost I mean.....

Best Wishes!
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Old 28th June 2013, 11:50 AM   #3
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Now what to do?

Goodness.I do think she should have at least had the decency to talk to you and discuss things before SHE decided that SHE could move back in. After all how could she possibly have known if you wanted her back or not? I think you need to suggest that she move out again, and that you will both go to counselling. If after some time things improve, she can then move back in IF you agree, and not before.
Could it be that she heard about this other lady and didnt want you to have anyone else?
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Old 28th June 2013, 01:21 PM   #4
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Now what to do?

If she has sorted out her affair and has conveyed to you how sorry she was and you have forgiven her a decision now has to be made.

By coming back she is saying I want another chance let us work on our marriage. I agree with Forever in that it would be wrong to say no way I now have the chance of a girlfriend. I think you owe it to your marriage to give it another go. It is important that you do this with all your heart and not have some part of you hankering after this other woman, otherwise it will not work. Yes vows are important and should not be broken unless we are released by adultery and unfaithfulness by our spouse.
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Old 28th June 2013, 03:53 PM   #5
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Re: Now what to do?

Did your wife actually end up sleeping with this man while you have been apart?
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Old 4th July 2013, 08:25 AM   #6
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Re: Now what to do?

Hi, sorry its been a few days.

W has told me that she has never slept with anyone except me since we have been married. Im not sure whether I believe her or not, after all if she said she had it would prob be game over for us.

I have spoken to the other girl, and she has said that she wasn't sure if we'd have worked anyway. So she has backed right off.

Now it seems its down to us to see if this marriage can be saved.
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Old 6th July 2013, 05:17 PM   #7
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Re: Now what to do?


I wish you all the best, I am happy she came back and I do hope all works out for you.
I have recently found works of Alison Armstrong, there are lots of free radio talks on her website.If you both want to work it out I suggest you both listen and read her books.

All the best

I hope my husband comes back too
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