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Old 5th July 2013, 12:24 PM   #1
X-KID
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Is there something going on?

Hi all, new here and looking for a bit of advice. I have been married to my wife since September '09, and up until recently things have been good, several weeks ago the amount of text messages my wife was getting went through the roof and her mobile pretty much lived in her pocket, which is something that she never used to do before. I just mentioned casually one day that she was getting a lot of texts these days, to which she replied "yeah i know" so i left it at that for the time being, however on one occasion i managed to sneak a look at her phone while she was in the bathroom ( i know thats not right but i had to see) all of the texts were from her boss, who she openly admits she gets on very well with, i didn't have a problem with that-why would i?. Alot of these texts however, seemed quite flirty with little winks faces,and i also noticed that the times these texts had on them indicated that large numbers of texts had been deleted, as there were gaps of up to 40 minutes between texts when i know she was texting constantly at those times, and that the messages didnt follow on, also while we were on holiday for 2 weeks she made several trips to her work, all of which she didn't need to make. This has really arroused my suspicion. I am unsure of what steps to take next, i really want to confront her about all of this, but if i have read this situation all wrong then that isn't going to go down well, but i also don't think i can leave this with out doing or saying something.Can anyone offer any advice on how to approach this?
Thanks in advance
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Old 5th July 2013, 12:53 PM   #2
Car111
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Re: Is there something going on?

Hi there, sorry to hear of your situation. My only advice is to not say anything until you have absolute proof to confront her with. From everything I have read, if you confront them/accuse them, that just makes them become better at hiding what is going on. If she begins to think you are getting suspicious, she will start to hide everything much better and it will be harder for you to find anything. Do not confront until you have proof!
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Old 5th July 2013, 01:03 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Is there something going on?

I agree with Car. Yes you do have very good grounds for suspicion and you do need to confront but wait until you have proof. Give her enough rope and you will have your proof soon enough if your suspicions are correct.
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Old 5th July 2013, 07:43 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: Is there something going on?

Yes you definately have something to worry about. There is no reason anyone has to go to work when they are on holiday. If you can, check email and texts. At the very least she may be having an emotional affair. No a good sign after such a short marriage.
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Old 5th July 2013, 10:41 PM   #5
X-KID
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Re: Is there something going on?

Thank you for the replies, guess I will just have to wait and see if I can gather some more evidence before I confront her. I'm guessing emotional affairs lead to more physical things?
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Old 5th July 2013, 11:12 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: Is there something going on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by X-KID View Post
Thank you for the replies, guess I will just have to wait and see if I can gather some more evidence before I confront her. I'm guessing emotional affairs lead to more physical things?
Well yes they can do, but even if they don't, they are still wrong and threaten a marriage. Emotional closeness should be between a husband and wife. Has he been acting differently towards you? Has she been dressing differently or taking more care of her appearance?

The workplace is a very dangerous area for wrong relationships to develop, and I believe that strong boundaries are needed with how we act with the opposite sex.
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Old 18th July 2013, 12:30 AM   #7
X-KID
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Re: Is there something going on?

Hi all, firstly thanks for all the replies, just thought i would post an update. My wife is still getting flirtatious texts from her boss,the other day i accidentally picked up her phone by mistake(we have the same model of phone) on the lock screen it shows a preview of a message that has been recieved but not yet read,the message was once again from her boss, and said "i have feelings for you i shouldn't" i know she replied to that message,but when i got a chance to look at her phone a couple of hours later that message and any reply had been deleted. I dont know if that alone, gives me a good enough case to confront her on? or should i wait and see? she has also told me that at the end of the month everyone at her work is going out for a night out. I have a strange feeling tho that it will just be her and her boss,does anyone have any thoughts on how i should approach this one?? She is also working longer at work due to it being busy, and i do actually know that fact is true, but she doesnt get paid for the extra hours, when i say to her about not doing it unless you are going to get paid she says its not fair on her boss to leave it up to him. It feels like she cares more about what he thinks, than what i do. kinda feel like im being played as the fool here, any thoughts or advice most welcome.
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Old 18th July 2013, 08:53 AM   #8
Raymond
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Re: Is there something going on?

If she has concern about the way her boss is behaving she should be coming to you about it. I see no sign of that and one can suspect she is co-operating with his feelings although still no proof. Why does she delete all her calls to him? Yes my suspicions are very strong as yours will be. However if you confront her she will still be able to deny it because of the lack of proof. I would wait a bit more and don't let her know you are suspicious. The more rope you give her the more she will trip herself up. It will become very apparent and she will not be able to deny it if you are patient.
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Old 18th July 2013, 09:41 AM   #9
X-KID
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Re: Is there something going on?

thanks for the reply Raymond, i will take your advice and be patient. As you say,give her enough rope...
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Old 18th July 2013, 11:53 AM   #10
chosen
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Re: Is there something going on?

Trouble is that the longer you leave it the more likely it is to lead to more. If it were my husband I would have confronted him by now. The fact that the boss said that he had feelings for her and the fact that she is deleting all the messages shows there is something going on. Even if she denies it, their relationship isnt right for a married woman and her boss.

Is he married? If he is then his wife also needs to know that he is saying such things to another women..

The fact that they are spending all this time alone together is another red flag.

Affairs between work colleagues are very common now and the sooner this relationship stops the better.
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Old 18th July 2013, 05:29 PM   #11
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Re: Is there something going on?

I wouldn't wait either . From experience the longer you wait , the worse it gets . I actually think you have more than enough proof with the text message you've already seen. They may not be having a physical affair- yet- but emotional affairs can be just as destructive and often physical affairs follow on from them.

You could of course find out where the " works do " is going to be at the end of the month and turn up and see whether it's just the two of them. I don't think you'd get any more definitive proof than that if it is just them there.

Personally though I'd confront her now and tell her what you know to be fact and that you have every intention of speaking to her boss ( and his wife if he has one ). She won't like it , and will probably try and deny it but I can tell you from experience, when someone suddenly starts sending and receiving lots of texts , or becomes secretive with their phones ( carrying them everywhere , leaving them on silent, deleting texts ) something isn't right.
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Old 19th July 2013, 12:40 AM   #12
X-KID
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Re: Is there something going on?

Once again thanks for the latest replies. Just to add a further update,i called in to the wifes work earlier while on my lunch break, not an uncommon thing to do as we actually work on the same street, when i got there one of the drivers let me in the staff door, and we had a bit of a chat for a minute or so, he said i think your wife is up stairs, so i made my way up. The stairs in her workplace creak quite badly, so you can hear someone coming up them from pretty much the bottom step. i usually run up stairs,so i cover the ground pretty quickly, and today was no different, how ever when i reached about three quaters of the way up, her boss appeared at the doorway looking very startled at my presence. He then went to make a drink, i noticed that my wifes top was partially tucked in to her trousers-some thing she never does. I will admit i didnt see or hear anything, but it doesnt seem right to me. I guess in my head i know there is probably enough evidence to confront her, but i have the dillema of, if i confront her and i am wrong, what the hell do i do then!!! but then i also dont know if i want to be right. I really dont know where to be with this!!!!! havent slept properly for days now, but i just dont know how to even start the confrontation conversation. Somebody help me please.

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Old 19th July 2013, 05:31 AM   #13
chosen
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Re: Is there something going on?

I would say something like "I know that something is going on with you and your boss and I want it to stop right now. If it doesn't I am going to speak to him myself, and will tell his wife" (if he has one). She will deny anything is going on, because those who cheat will always deny it, but that's OK. Don't say "is there something going on?" because you know there is, but say "I KNOW there is something going on". When she comes out with denials, just stay strong and say. I have said what I want to say and now the ball is in your court as to whether you end it right now and change jobs, or I will take it further.
Then she has the choice to stop it to save your marriage (and his) or not.
I would also say that you want her to immediately look for another job because they clearly spend a lot of time alone together, and they need to stop all contact.
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Old 19th July 2013, 08:49 AM   #14
Raymond
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Re: Is there something going on?

It is pretty obvious that he is flirting with her and that she needs to cut it off with him and discourage him. She is either being stupid or is in an emotional affair.

My wife's suggestion is rather than accusing her you take the position of how you love her very much and how jealous you have become because of these various signs you have described. That way you are not accusing her outright but you are bringing it into the light. It will be up to her to put your mind at rest if she wants to stay faithful. . At least it will then be out in the open. If she is having an affair you will surely get an inkling of it from her response. I don't think you can confront until you know for sure.
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Old 19th July 2013, 10:55 AM   #15
Helen_uk
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Re: Is there something going on?

X-KID , it's entirely up to you of course, but I think deep down you know something is going on . You can choose to talk to your wife or you can choose to ignore it and hope for the best . Only you know if you're capable of living with a wife who you know to be cheating.

Of course it may run it's course and end.... but the fact is you will still know it's happening and will always be wondering if it will happen again ( it becomes more likely if someone has cheated once, and especially when they've " gotten away with it " .)

Emotional affairs can be just as destructive as physical ones, are just as painful ( sometimes even more so )and can cause just as much damage .

I guess the question is , can you live with a marriage that has no trust ?
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