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Old 3rd October 2014, 09:50 AM   #16
chosen
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

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Originally Posted by Hopeless case View Post
I doubt it's for her health, you should see the amount of chocolate she's getting through right now. She did have one very small glass of wine last night with our meal but I do mean small. Im working out how to raise the subject of pregnancy. Outright I'm not sure about. Men aren't supposed to be that perceptive are we ? On the basis it is circumstantial evidence at the minute then an outright question may not be apt. Oh, as you can tell with my anxiety I tend to look at everything from every angle and probably still do nothing. I left her a letter yesterday saying how my illness made me feel etc and another suggesting alternative ways of sharing the house, telling her some things I believed. She said thanks but I don't know if she's read it. I believe my anxiety plus everything else has pushed her to where she thinks she is now but she knows I'm now getting treatment and I've told her I understand how things that I may have thought were loving may have made her feel claustrophobic and trapped. Hopefully she'll think about it over the next few days. No begging her to stay, no promising I'll change. I want her to see for herself I'm trying to get back to the person she started out with.
Its sad that you cant even ask her why she has stopped drinking and has given up caffine. Communication seems very lacking in the marriage.
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Old 3rd October 2014, 12:43 PM   #17
ralfgarnett
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

My wife gave up drinking too much alcohol as it was making her feel tense and maybe HC wife is feeling similar.
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Old 3rd October 2014, 03:07 PM   #18
chosen
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

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My wife gave up drinking too much alcohol as it was making her feel tense and maybe HC wife is feeling similar.
To suddenly do so and also to give up caffine and to also suddenly be very tired seems weird. Alchohol seems to relaxed most people who drink it from what I have heard.
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Old 4th October 2014, 11:46 AM   #19
ralfgarnett
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

Hi Chosen a little can be relaxing but too much can cause anxiety and paranoia when it starts wearing off, alcohol is probably the most dangerous and addictive drug in the world purely because it is so easily accesiible, for example we have a small shop a few minutes walk from here I could go round there now and buy as much alcohol as I wanted all legally above board, I enjoy a drink but I am also aware just how dangerous it can be.
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Old 4th October 2014, 05:54 PM   #20
chosen
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

yes and that partly why I stay right away from it.
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Old 4th October 2014, 07:12 PM   #21
ralfgarnett
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

Me too hic hic your my best mate you are, joking aside whilst from time to time we all like a snifter but look at the damage it causes its distastrous
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Old 4th October 2014, 08:37 PM   #22
chosen
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

Yes and it costs the country a fortune.
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Old 6th October 2014, 03:18 AM   #23
Hopeless case
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

Ok, we've at least started some sort of communication. I've written her some letters and have tried to get some response. Basically what I think she's telling me is that my issues ( general anxiety, low self confidence ) have affected our whole relationship and she can't be doing with continually telling me I do things right etc and me not listening to her for the last 7 years. I'm awaiting a mental health assessment but she says at the moment it's just words and she needs to see in getting better. She thinks sharing the house isn't working as she feels she's too close to everything. She's loking at taking a flat for 6 months but wants to keep in touch and keep seeing me to see how I'm getting on. She says I need to want to get better but won't do that If she's around all the time and it has to be for me.
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Old 6th October 2014, 03:20 AM   #24
Hopeless case
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

And still says she doesn't want a divorce she wants be to be confident and happy in myself.
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Old 6th October 2014, 11:35 AM   #25
Raymond
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

I can understand her view. She doesn't want to get divorced but needs to detach from the situation but keep an eye on you.

Are you saying that she is saying that you always say you are right and never listen to her?
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Old 6th October 2014, 02:51 PM   #26
Hopeless case
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

No, I suffer from anxiety and low self esteem. She knows it and has constantly tried to reassure me that I'm good at my job, a good partner etc but still my mind tells me I'm rubbish etc. so for 7 years I haven't listened to what she's saying until now she says she's looking at flats and suddenly I'm seeing my GP and the like. She says I need to be doing this for me not anyone else. Last night she said its still just words at the minute. It's like now I see the light she's standing behind waiting to flick off the switch. I suspect that every time I've ignored her good words it's been another little piece of us gone and now there's nothing left for her to really bother about.
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Old 6th October 2014, 04:36 PM   #27
chosen
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

Have you had any counseling to find out why you have such low self esteem and anxiety?
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Old 6th October 2014, 06:31 PM   #28
Hopeless case
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

6 sessions through work earlier this year which only scratched the surface and made me more aware of exactly how I am. Gone through GP and now have something pencilled in for 21st. Also have relate but just for me on 20th.
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Old 6th October 2014, 08:58 PM   #29
Raymond
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

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No, I suffer from anxiety and low self esteem. She knows it and has constantly tried to reassure me that I'm good at my job, a good partner etc but still my mind tells me I'm rubbish etc. so for 7 years I haven't listened to what she's saying until now she says she's looking at flats and suddenly I'm seeing my GP and the like. She says I need to be doing this for me not anyone else. Last night she said its still just words at the minute. It's like now I see the light she's standing behind waiting to flick off the switch. I suspect that every time I've ignored her good words it's been another little piece of us gone and now there's nothing left for her to really bother about.
Thank you for your explanation HC. I understand where you are coming from now. I truly suspect that you had a childhood without that much nourishment and therefore would have to rebuild the self esteem. We all have intrinsic value. To undervalue yourself is as bad as overvaluing yourself. It must be hard for your wife who loves you for you to be confessing that you are no good etc. That is an assault against her judgement of you as a husband.

Who told you that you was no good I wonder? Mother? Father? or someone else in authority. You cannot truly love another if you do not love yourself or put another way you cannot value another if you do not value yourself. Value from someone who believes they are no good is not worth much to be honest.

Personally I get my value from God our father. I was brought up as an orphan and have been sexually abused etc. I have every right to think that I was no good and unwanted. One day everything changed and I discovered how much God really loved me. Not only me but everyone, but most do not appropriate it as it only comes through His son. Do you know who that would be? These things are also worked out in relationships as once you have self worth your have a confidence which wasn't there before.
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Old 11th October 2014, 08:04 AM   #30
Hopeless case
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Re: Wife wants to get her own place and wants space

Time for an update and further advice. My wife has now been offered her own flat and is leaving at the end of the month. We both agree trying to keep living the way we are isn't working and she can't go back to her parents with her mum being so ill. I asked her if she was pregnant and she denied it outright. If she is then she can't hide it for long so is she telling the truth or not ? Anyway we've at least started talking about a few things. I'm seeking active help for the whole anxiety thing but she says at the moment it's just words. She also says I'm in my own little world and she can't talk to me about her mum because I get upset too and that then doesn't help her. The other odd thing she says is that my condition is only about 10% of the problem and she has a million and one other issues going on that are nothing to do with us. So my plan is to let her have her flat because there's no point trying to force her to stay. She's already says she hates the self pity and the fact she feels she has to reassure me all the time. I'm going to work on getting myself better. And see where we go from there. There is way more to this than she's telling me but I can't drag it out of her. She's moving out but yesterday text to say she still wants to shop and cook for us until then.
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