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Old 12th January 2011, 04:29 AM   #151
1aokgal
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Dear Heather..

Not to hijack your thread..hope you are doing better. You still have a lot of loneliness because he works away from home. That is not likely to change. It would be good if you could go there for weekend or partial weeknd to break up that long time you have little contact. It is something that goes around your work hours but might be a worthwhile concession to try to be there with him.

I really understand loneliness as it effects the spouse who stays behind when a man works elsewhere. That has been life for me in two marriages which was not something I planned. It is difficult to make the decisions and handle all the problems that occur. There is fact everything breaks down, needs to be repaired or replaced. There are many holidays that one doesn't celebrate alone. Illness
alone occurs and there is no one to help. I went through three surgeries in the years alone along with other emergencies. It sure wears one away. It is difficult not to harbor resentment for the loss of days which can never be replaced. The Christmas gifts are not exchanged, the birthday wishes are left unsaid and there are many moments one misses to live alone. He makes a living, you do what you can to find a life for yourself.

It is true that conditions are no better for my husband with his job elsewhere. Conditions are primitive and his working hours are long without gourmet restaurants or a lifestyle that I can envy. He works for our comfort and security and lives for the times when he can be here. In summer, the alone time is less a problem. I enjoy the pool and boat time and like painting in the Florida room. In winter it is tougher to get through the hours with all the problems of extreme cold weather. My husband calls often and emails. So that helps a lot.

It sounds as if your husbands' career has him locked in for the future. So I am sure you share time
with your children but have a lot of alone moments as well. The thing that has to change with your situation is the degree of trust and security you need to feel that the affair ended and no communication exists. You should never have to worry that you are being lied to about where he spends his time. I hope things are better. Have you see the counselor as yet?
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Old 12th January 2011, 05:30 PM   #152
1aokgal
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Chosen..
I don't know what needs you meet to develop conflict. You believe you are not confrontational?
You and I had numerous exchanges on this forum that were pleasant and I thought, gracious.

You mentioned your marriage numerous times. I observed that a 5 yr marriage is a work in progress. No one could construe that as an "an attack on your marriage." I wish you luck on that one! Why don't you do your best to avoid interaction as your Christianity is slipping in your interchanges with me.

Many who come here need professional counselling but can't afford it or know how to seek it.
There seems a lot of good done by people who care about others and interchange ideas here. There is a risk though when dealing with people in crisis. You seem to be in crisis as well, but that is of your own making, not mine. Since I have a business to run I have little time to spend here.
As there is a problem of interpretation between us, I do my best to avoid dialogue with you.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 16th January 2011 at 08:16 AM.
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Old 12th January 2011, 07:08 PM   #153
Heather
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Chosen, 1aokgal, you need to know that I appreciate both of you for your contributions to this thread. Over the weeks you have both helped me - whether through sympathy and support when I need it or through a good prod to stop me wallowing in self pity. Your advice to me always come from a place of caring and I have a feeling I am going to need both of you as the days go by. The fact that your lives are so different is what helps me because I can see and hear how two totally different women have gone through, and live with, the very issues that keep me awake at night! I would hate to think that this thread cause upset to either of you... you never know when you might need each other!

I have my first counselling session this Thursday - I must confess to being nervous as I have reasoned myself round in circles and I hope the counsellor doesn't just start me off again.
On a more positive note I have also decided to do something that I have always wanted to try - so I went to my first ballroom dancing session on Monday... it was such fun... definately the right thing to do. I think I need to start trying to find me... and that was a step closer. I had a whole evening without even a thought for my situation - wonderful!

Forever, I have been thinking long and hard about what I actually want him to do and it is harder than I might have thought to answer that question. There is a strange safety in the familiar roles we have - distant but friends. What a sad state for a marriage! We would absolutely need counselling together if this is to work, just to get us talking. I have tried to initiate discussions about our situation and he tries to be open, but there comes a point where we 'dry up', the conversation dies and we do something else...
My husband is trying hard to be 'normal' when he's at home - maintaining the status quo - then occasionally he will speak to me in the tone I bacame familiar with over the past years and my stomach flips and I just think...'there it is again, I'm not going back to that!' Back to square one.
Anyway I am wallowing again, so time to go. Roll on Thursday
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Old 12th January 2011, 07:19 PM   #154
chosen
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Heather that sounds really positive, and I hope that the counselling helps you. You are so right in that you will need counselling together if this is ever to work out, once he had cut off contact with the Ow, but I am sure that once you have the opportunity to talk about it all to the counsellor, you will KNOW what you want to do far more clearly. Thats what often happens with counselling. I feel that you will either know for sure that it is over, or that you will know that you are willing to give it a go. Just telling another person sort of makes you think "Wow Its all become clear in my mind" if you know what I mean.
Keep in touch.
God Bless
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Old 13th January 2011, 01:52 AM   #155
1aokgal
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Dear Heather..

The counselling session will be helpful and give you focus on how you can move forward in whatever you decide. This is a new year and a chance to search for your happy moments.
Well done!
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Old 17th January 2011, 12:29 PM   #156
Helen_uk
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Just wondered how things are with you Heather ?
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Old 17th January 2011, 04:35 PM   #157
Forever
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Dear Heather,
Funny, I was thinking about you all day too. How did the counsel go??

You said something in your last post...about the tone of voice that your husband uses. Is he patronizing and condensending towards you?
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Old 17th January 2011, 07:40 PM   #158
Heather
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Hi
The counselling session was a good introduction and I feel now that I know what it is I hope to achieve by going - rather than a vague sort of 'help!' I will be going again this Thursday to continue, the main thing to strike me so far is that right from the start I nevfer expressed how I felt. Even when I was stood in shock in the kitchen, my first thought was "I can't say anything yet the children are here and family are about to arrive". I think if it were to happen now with everyone away I would leave and go to a friend, just get away. That never happened.

As for the tone of voice Forever - yes it was patronising and demeaning... I told my husband that I felt I was an irritation to him; just someone who was in the way - even before I found out about the affair. I was getting fed up with his attitude towards me and was in turn getting quite short tempered, not usual for me.

Part of my reluctance in committing to trying to repair our marriage, I'm sure, comes from the fact that I was unhappy before I found out about the affair (and presumably so was my husband) and I don't want to go back to that. That is why we would need to have counselling together if we were to make it work - there are lots of issues to solve going back right to when my mum died. My husband is very dismissive of counselling, however, last time I suggested it he totally ignored the suggestion and when I said we would have to go together if we are to solve this he became angry and 'huffy' and said he didn't want some "spotty teenager telling him what to do!" I feel as though he thinks that if we ignore it and act like everything is all right then we will be ok eventually...
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Old 17th January 2011, 08:04 PM   #159
Helen_uk
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Re: How do I take the final step?

I always think it's really sad if a partner won't even consider counselling . It might not be for everyone and it may not even work , but a willingness to try anything and everything to save a marriage is a good indication of how likely a couple are to succeed .

It does seem to be a male trait that they don't want to open up to a stranger and some have enough trouble opening up to their spouses .

I think you're doing the right thing for you though Heather , if counselling gives you a clearer view of what you want then that's half the battle won .

Last edited by Helen_uk; 20th January 2011 at 04:15 PM.
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Old 17th January 2011, 08:18 PM   #160
chosen
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Re: How do I take the final step?

If he is committed to the marriage he will go to counselling. If he cant even be bothered to agree to that, then what hope is there?That should be one of the first conditions of working on the marriage (after him cutting contact completely with the OW(has he done that yet?)).
The thing is that he can say that he wants to come back to the marriage, but words are easy. Is he prepared to work on it and do all the things necessary to enable that to happen though.Thats is the crux of the matter, and so far he has shown no signs of that at all.

I can understand that if the marriage wasnt happy even before the affair started, you will be less likely to want to go back to that. I can also TOTALLY understand that you kept your feelings and emotions inside because of the children. Been there and done that. Good mums tend to put their childrens feelings first always. Now is the time for you to talk about YOUR feelings at the counselling. I am glad it is helping.
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Old 22nd January 2011, 08:57 PM   #161
chosen
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Heather
How are things? Has he cut off contact with the OW? Has he shown any real signs of being prepared to work at the marriage?How are you feeling about it all now?
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Old 22nd January 2011, 08:59 PM   #162
chosen
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Re: How do I take the final step?

[QUOTE=1aokgal;59020]Chosen..
I don't know what needs you meet to develop conflict. You believe you are not confrontational?
You and I had numerous exchanges on this forum that were pleasant and I thought, gracious.

You mentioned your marriage numerous times. I observed that a 5 yr marriage is a work in progress. No one could construe that as an "an attack on your marriage." I wish you luck on that one! Why don't you do your best to avoid interaction as your Christianity is slipping in your interchanges with me.

Many who come here need professional counselling but can't afford it or know how to seek it.
There seems a lot of good done by people who care about others and interchange ideas here. There is a risk though when dealing with people in crisis. You seem to be in crisis as well, but that is of your own making, not mine. Since I have a business to run I have little time to spend here.
As there is a problem of interpretation between us, I do my best to avoid dialogue with you.[/QUOTE]

What crisis???????Dont get it.
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Old 23rd January 2011, 02:25 PM   #163
Raymond
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Taking the bait chosen?
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Old 23rd January 2011, 07:10 PM   #164
chosen
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Re: How do I take the final step?

[QUOTE=Raymond;59268]Taking the bait chosen?[/QUOTE]

haha not not me!!! Just not sure what crisis I am meant to be in. I have never been happier.
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Old 24th January 2011, 09:21 PM   #165
Raymond
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Re: How do I take the final step?

I know that but you seemed a bit close to it.
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