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Old 15th February 2011, 03:04 PM   #166
Heather
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Hi, hope you are all ok - sorry about the long silence, I have ahd a lot to think about over the past weeks. Strange how I went to counselling for my current problems and have ended up looking a lot further back in my life and learning about why I have reacted in the way I have. It is useful but painful and very thought provoking.
As far as my husband is concerned, we are still apart and when we are together we never seem to speak about anything important. I am getting tired with always being the one to bring the situation up and try to talk about it...my husband just seems to think that if he acts as though everything is normal then we will just carry on as normal. I did ask him if he has had any contact with the oW and he said he had had a few texts - 'sort of winding down texts' was the way he described them. I do know that he rang her whilst I was away with work, although I haven't asked him about that.
I didn't buy him a valentines card this yer and that was really strange - I didn't feel it would be honest to the way i feel. He bought me one saying he loves me, I still find that hard to believe.
So my confusion continues, I am building a life on my own and trying to understand who i am with help from my counsellor.
I get lonely sometimes, usually when I am thinking about all the things the counsellng is bringing up... but I don't feel the same way about my husband anymore and that is maybe the biggest loss.
Anyway, just thought you might like to kno how things are going. Thanks for your care and concern.
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Old 15th February 2011, 03:59 PM   #167
chosen
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Heather its really good to hear from you.
From what you said, it seems that you are moving on and sorting things out with the help of counselling, but that he hasnt done anything about ending it with the OW, which isnt good. If he really loved you(as he says in the card) he would have ended it months ago. Love is far more than words. I suspect he is still hanging on to her in case you decide not to be with him, and he is still showing no repentance at all.
Sad, but at least it may help you to decide what decision to finally make.
Sometimes in counselling you can feel worse before you feel better. but persevere and soon you will feel real benefit.
God Bless and keep in touch.
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Old 31st March 2011, 11:33 PM   #168
Heather
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Hi,
Just thought you might like an update - I have actually managed to find enough strength in me, through couselling to come to a decision and tkae that final step. I have managed to tell my husband that the deception is too much for me to overcome - I know he is still with the OW and I have told it I want a divorce. He has accepted the decision, although not easily and we are trying to move on. My son rang him to offer support and reassure him that he is still his dad and he still loves him, only to find that he was not alone... so I felt vindicated and that my decision had been the right one. Thanks for all your support through this, I have a feeling that there are going to be a lot more rough days before this is all over, but at least I am no longer running round and round in my own head tryng to find answers.
H
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Old 1st April 2011, 12:25 AM   #169
Forever
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Hi Heather,
So happy to hear from you! Well, for what it is worth, you have us here for some support in between counseling sessions. You are likely going to need that from time to time as there are so many things to do. Your heart will tug on you for what should have been, what is, and what is yet to come.

I have a feeling there are bright joy filled years ahead for you, rather than the sterile life that you have had lately. I am glad to hear that the counseling was productive and gave you the insight to find out who you are and what you need for yourself...I am sure your children and those who love you understand your decision.

Best Wishes...we are here when you need some feedback.

Forever
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Old 1st April 2011, 06:18 AM   #170
chosen
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Heather, thats so good that you have now got the strength to make that decision.Sadly I felt that he wasnt going to end it with her,and without that what hope is there?
I pray that your future will be good, and after all this is over you can be at peace at last.
We are all rooting for you, carry on the good work, and come back here to let us know what is happening with you.
God Bless
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Old 1st April 2011, 11:18 AM   #171
Chamomile
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Re: How do I take the final step?

[QUOTE=Heather;60077]Strange how I went to counselling for my current problems and have ended up looking a lot further back in my life and learning about why I have reacted in the way I have. It is useful but painful and very thought provoking.

As far as my husband is concerned, we are still apart and when we are together we never seem to speak about anything important. I am getting tired with always being the one to bring the situation up and try to talk about it...my husband just seems to think that if he acts as though everything is normal then we will just carry on as normal.

He bought me one saying he loves me, I still find that hard to believe.
So my confusion continues, I am building a life on my own and trying to understand who i am with help from my counsellor.

but I don't feel the same way about my husband anymore and that is maybe the biggest loss.
Anyway, just thought you might like to kno how things are going. [/QUOTE]

Hi Heather

Congrats, that your therapy is helping you and you were able to receive the kind of help which benefits you greatly. It's interesting you say that, Heather. "trying to understand who i am". How brave of you. Do you think this therapy would be a short course or a long one?

I used to feel the same way with you when you say. "I'm getting tired with always being the one who..etc". I was also getting so tired of trying to keep initiating "the important couple discussion" again and again in our situation. I think it might be a Man's thing. They are brought up to keep things bottled up whilst men have feelings, which is often difficult to notice except more "manly" overt expressions such as anger (more macho?) which is only obvious to us.

When you say, "my husband just seems to think that if he acts as though everything is normal then we will just carry on as normal." Again, it is exactly the same in my situation. Maybe, from early on boys are trained to "just keep on" unlike girls are taught to take up a caring role from early on.

I'm sure he still loves you. (After all it wasn't you who cheated on him) It seems men who had cheated do still cling onto their wives as before in my observation? Maybe, some of these men think it's only having a cake on the side and they may be perfectly happy with the arrangement if their wives didn't find out or had their wives tolerated? Who knows.
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Old 3rd April 2011, 01:54 PM   #172
Heather
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Hi, You are so right, Forever, one day everything is fine, the next I am a mess. Had a series of texts from my husband this week about how he wishes we weren't doing this and that I am washing 20 years away...etc. How I never asked how I could fix it and it wasn't just him. I pointed out that I hadn't had the affair and that the decision was made when he stepped over that line and lied. I have held to my decision, but it is hard some days.
I know that he is still with the OW - so my decision is the right one, and I know it is time to move on, but he still has the ability to make me feel weak and defenseless - as though it is all my fault. Whilst I know I didn't make him happy, I also know that the affair was his choice not mine, and that gives me the strength to continue.
I have my children at home at the moment and it is lovely to all be together - they make me laugh, just as they have so many times in the past when things have been tough. I am lucky to have such wonderful children and so many good freinds - I know eventually I can get through this.
H
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Old 3rd April 2011, 04:34 PM   #173
Forever
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Heather,

Okay, here we go. Have you ever heard of "blame shifting"? Of course you have...that is where the guilty party tries to make the innocent party feel like some kind of monster for any attempt to protect themselves, make a decision that benefits themselves, or for putting their foot down and saying "enough". It is a tactic used to relieve their conscious from the guilt that is theirs alone to own.

Now, he is the one who "washed" twenty years away, not you. You hung in there doing all you could under the circumstances he personally created...like rarely being home long enough to know and respect who you are as a person (rather than just as a role). He decided to fill his voids in life by creating (and keeping) and maintaining a family on the side. He believes in the institution of "marriage" as a great idea, but has forgotton that you are the key player to be truly loved and cherished and not abandoned, deceived, taken for granted and betrayed. He does not even know you. He keeps his mistress. You lost yourself in order to accomodate his choices.
Twenty years of what? You have your beautiful children...they are what is left of his charade and deception and all that is important now.

So I am going to suggest something for you and hope you can take it to heart. Change all your phone numbers, including mobile, change your email address ect. Do this immediatly....unless you enjoy being tormented. Do for yourself exactly what he should have done to this OW.

Cut off all communication and only respond to necessary legal issues through your solicitor. Set a time and date to have him collect his personal belongings and make sure you are not there to avoid his tugging on you (like he did before)...have one of your children or friends or someone else there. Leave a last email to inform him that all other household property will be properly divided through the solicitor, and that he can go through them to make his requests. Tell him that you no longer can accept his coming over to the house, and you will have to consider it to be harassment if he does, and that your next step will then be to get a restraining order if he does not respect this. You can do this in your own sweet wording, but make it clear.

You can busy yourself sorting through all his papers and personal belongings and even box them up for him. Label the boxes so he knows what is there and has no reason to manipulate a personal conversation with you. Give all the photos of marital nature to your children for safe keeping, and so they do not tug on your heart during this time (also so that the OW does not make them disappear somehow). Someday, you will be able to look at them and feel nothing, but not for several years.

Can you see any problem in doing this?

P.S. "make him happy"? Just how were you supposed to pull this off with a man who was hardly there... for you or for the children, did not know you, and was cheating for years? He chose someone else to "make him happy" did he not? Who was there to make YOU happy, let alone support you through your darkest hours??? Certainly not some other man on the side. Did he do what HE needed to do in order to "fix it" on his end...like permanently get rid of the OW for starters as a show of committment to you and the marriage? Is his idea of marriage having a wife at home to patronize, while denying his own wife intimacy and taking an interest in her personally...all the while loving and having sex with another woman for years? Hmmmm.....better for you to remind yourself of the facts here.

Last edited by Forever; 3rd April 2011 at 10:58 PM.
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Old 13th April 2011, 06:10 PM   #174
Heather
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Oh, I absolutely agree - I know that he is still seeing the OW, and I accept that. Now my decision is made it is time for us both to move on... I would not wish him to be unhappy - I do not intend to be!

Now is the time to look to the future and build on my discoveries through counselling, to weather the storms of divorce. I know it will not be easy, but I won't cut off contact with him - we both want this to end as amicably as possible after such a long time together. Maybe wishful thinking, but I know people can do it.
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Old 14th April 2011, 01:33 AM   #175
chosen
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Re: How do I take the final step?

[QUOTE=Heather;61270]Hi, You are so right, Forever, one day everything is fine, the next I am a mess. Had a series of texts from my husband this week about how he wishes we weren't doing this and that I am washing 20 years away...etc. How I never asked how I could fix it and it wasn't just him. I pointed out that I hadn't had the affair and that the decision was made when he stepped over that line and lied. I have held to my decision, but it is hard some days.
I know that he is still with the OW - so my decision is the right one, and I know it is time to move on, but he still has the ability to make me feel weak and defenseless - as though it is all my fault. Whilst I know I didn't make him happy, I also know that the affair was his choice not mine, and that gives me the strength to continue.
I have my children at home at the moment and it is lovely to all be together - they make me laugh, just as they have so many times in the past when things have been tough. I am lucky to have such wonderful children and so many good freinds - I know eventually I can get through this.
H[/QUOTE]

yes you are right Heather, he did make the decision to have the affair and he also made the decision NOT to end it as well, and thus HE ended your marriage by not doing so. You cant hope to work on a marriage or reconcile with 3 people in it. He says that YOU are washing away all those years when if he has ended it with the other woman, you wouldnt have needed to.
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Old 14th April 2011, 04:16 PM   #176
Heather
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Just feeling a touch bitter at the moment... he took her away to our caravan on my birthday and he is now away with her the weekend of our last wedding anniversary! He doesn't know that I am aware she is there so I will make sure to send a nice message by text that day. They are away at his work friend's wedding, which he and I were invited too - wonder how that will make him feel?

I feel guilty for being annoyed about this when I have decided that we are through and have filed for divorce. His life is his own now to do want he wants with, and I know at some point in the future I will be able to look back and not feel bitter.

But for now, just for today, I think I might be allowed! Sorry guys!
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Old 14th April 2011, 05:50 PM   #177
Raymond
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Re: How do I take the final step?

You are only human Heather. In your mind you know what to do and will achieve it even if it takes a little bit of time. It is really a time for moving on and putting it all behind you. You will be able to do this because you are the innocent party.
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Old 14th April 2011, 06:47 PM   #178
Forever
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Hi Heather,
If you want things to be amicable, I would suggest that you do not message him...do not even give him the satisfaction of him (or her) knowing that you are aware of his doings. They will probably have a good laugh if you do that, because you filed for divorce and then turn around and show your feelings being stuck at whatever they are doing....they now have "permission" to do as they please openly.

These feelings will come and go for several years, best to keep your dignity while you ride the waves.
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Old 18th April 2011, 08:19 PM   #179
Heather
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Re: How do I take the final step?

I know you are both right - I just need to give things time, and in all honesty, most of the time I am fine - his being with her is all the vindication I need for making the decision I did. It shows me he never ended it - never intended to and his life is going to get a whole lot more complicated now, with her expectations for the future. I feel I am better off out of it.

The wedding anniversary ended up being lovely - coffee with friends, lunch and shopping with daughter and evening chat with new dancing teacher... I am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life!

Back to counselling tomorrow after a month between visits, it will be interesting to see which path I embark on now - the journey is tough, but I feel as though I am growing and changing and beginning to find some sense of peace and purpose... let's hope it continues even when the sun isn't shining
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Old 18th April 2011, 08:43 PM   #180
Raymond
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Re: How do I take the final step?

We can all see that you made the right decision Heather. You had such a long struggle over it. I believe your future will vindicate your decision and already has to a certain extent as you say.

Last edited by Raymond; 18th April 2011 at 08:54 PM.
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