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Old 19th April 2011, 05:21 AM   #181
chosen
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Heather I agree with Raymond. He was clearly never going to stop this other wrong relationship and its good that you have seen this. He is a fool. He could have had you back if he had ended it with her, but he didnt, and its his loss.
I am so glad that you are growing and finding some peace after this traumatic time.
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Old 23rd April 2011, 10:36 AM   #182
Chamomile
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Heather

I just saw your posts of latest development.
You are doing wonderfully well in the most difficult situation.
As Forever seems to suggest, I also think that your future will be a whole lot better, with your positive outlook.
You had the courage to go through the long-term therapy.
That, I really do admire you, above all.
It takes Good qualities and determination.

Wishing you a wonderful Easter Weekend.
Best regards,
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Old 24th April 2011, 09:03 PM   #183
Heather
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Thank you for your kind wishes Chamomile.

I have been contemplating the way life has changed this last 6 months and can't help but wonder at which point I am going to feel single again. I was talking to my daughter the other day and referred to my husband as 'my other half'... she just looked at me and shook her head slightly. I didn't even realise what I'd said. Strange that even after all of this I still feel bound to him. I know I am legally still married too and can't seem to think of him as an 'ex'. I guess when my life has been so completely tied to his it will take a while. I sometimes wonder if this is just a hint of likely further heartache in the future as we become more separate. I worry that I still haven't made that step in my heart yet - only in my mind, and that the fact that he is away from home still only feels like he is away with work.

Oh well, no point looking for trouble - we will gradually separate our lives more and more. I have friends encouraging me to 'get back out there' - or 'have a fling'... they don't know me at all - I was never ' out there' and I feel it is really important to follow this counselling and sort me out first - I have a lot of stuff to work through and not many people get the opportunity to review what they have done in life and where they are going - I don't want to miss out on all that.
So I will keep plodding on, and no doubt regale you with issues as they arise... thankyou all for being there so often for me.
Have a lovely Easter all of you.
Hx
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Old 25th April 2011, 01:16 AM   #184
chosen
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Heather. It will take lots of time for you to be able to accept and believe that you are now single and as you say, you are still married, and will be for some time yet. Its early days,and if I may say so, those friends of yours are mad. To jump into seeing someone else would be crazy.
Jim Smoke, a man who started off the divorce recovery workshops, and who has counselled loads and loads of divorced and divorcing people, says that it usually takes 2-5 years before you are ready to have another relationship, and that is after the divorce is completed. He also says he has seen many jump into another reationship/marriage too soon, and very often this results in another breakup. He also says that the less you can see the ex or soon to be ex spouse, the quicker you can recover and be able to move on.
For me it was 4 years before I felt emotionally ready to meet anyone else, and another 2 years after that before I did meet my now husband.
Do come back here and let us know how things are going
God Bless
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Old 19th May 2011, 08:50 PM   #185
Heather
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Hi,
Am wondering if I am going to get through this as the moment... have hit a real down time. I feel really silly, because I know there will be difficult days, but just now every day is difficult. I just feel so sad... all the time. I thought I had cried enough to last a lifetime, but now I keep bursting into tears for no reason! Well, I guess not 'no reason'. I can't help but feel sad at all that is lost.
I saw my husband the other day when he came to pick up some things and we talked about finances and plans for the future and it was so easy. We still get on ok as friends, and can chat and even laugh... then he left and I was fine. The next day I rang him over something and could hear a child in the background and he just said the signal was bad and could he ring back It made me think again about how different things really are and how I don't really know him and don't need to know about his life any more.
I guess that is the weird part, I don't actually need to know about his work, or life... it is strange after so many years and I feel like I have gone into mourning. I wouldn't say I am depressed - it isn't a dark place I am in... just a sad one.
Anyone recognise this? Does everyone feel like this at some point?
Just feeling rather lost and lonely.
Sorry
H
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Old 19th May 2011, 10:23 PM   #186
chosen
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Heather, you ARE in mourning. Just because he is still alive, doesnt mean that you wont mourn as if he had died. I once heard a wise person say that loosing a spouse through death, and loosing a spouse through divorce, are very similar, except that in divorce the corpse is still walking around.
You have lost your husband, and you have lost your marriage. You need to mourn and you will be very sad.

Its still so hard to believe that anyone can act so bady, even though I have seen so much of this sort of terrible behaviour.I am so sorry that you have had to deal with it. I doubt the new relationship will last(few relationships that have started by an affair do last), but that is his problem now.
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Old 19th May 2011, 10:37 PM   #187
Heather
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Thank you Chosen, I guess you are right - I think the shock numbed me to all this at first and I guess it will take a long time. My mum died several years ago now and yet that is still painful, so I am beginning to understand that this will take a while too!

It is hard being 'amicable' through divorce... not because I hate him, but because I don't. It makes it easy to chat and believe that he is still the same person. But I am not, so I can hardly expect him to be.
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Old 20th May 2011, 08:40 AM   #188
Raymond
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Maybe you need to have a funeral for him, put it behind you and move on?

Maybe these contacts with him are messing your emotions as to what could have been. The reality is that he has been unfaithful and you need to move on and make your new life.
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Old 20th May 2011, 09:03 AM   #189
chosen
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Well experts say that it takes 2-5 years to get over the loss of a spouse either through death or divorce. It was at least 3 years before I felt able to even think of, or see, any future, so you have done well Heather. People do seem to expect you to get over it quicker if your marriage has ended this way, than if it has ended through death. I have no idea why actually, because as well as the loss of your husband, you also have the rejection and the betrayal to deal with. You will get there, but its still very early days. Allow your emotions to come out and dont hold them in like I tend to do, its very unhealthy.

I agree with Raymond about contact. A man who is an expert on helping those who have been through marriage break up, says that you need to have the minimal contact necessary in order for you to move on. Only if there are small children is contact needed for handing them over etc, and everything else can be done through solicitors. If he HAS to contact you, or you him, then do it by very brief and 'to the point' e-mails.

God Bless
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Old 20th May 2011, 11:48 AM   #190
Chamomile
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Excellent advice, Raymond and of course, our Chosen
Are you still seeing a therapist, Heather?
Sounds like you need to see someone very soon, let these emotions out in a safe place?
If you were in love with your "other half", it would probably, take a long time to "get over" this break up as Chosen said.
There are very useful books you can read, which may also help you to come to terms with this whole ordeal a little more?
Hope you feel better real soon!!
xxx
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Old 22nd May 2011, 05:14 PM   #191
Heather
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Hi,
Yes I am still seeing my counsellor, which is a bit of a lifeline at the moment. Like you say - a safe place to work through the emotions; not something I have ever really been good at doing. It is a measure of how I am changing that I am even able to admit to him how I am feeling and talk about it with him.
Have had my husband's mum and sister to stay this weekend which has been really good. We get on really well and I know they are finding this all a nightmare too. Obviously they have to support him and be there for him, but they are trapped in the middle because they love me too and don't want to lose me. They have met the OW - he took her to his sister's house one evening with very little warning... she said to me that it was a nightmare, having this strange woman in her house - thinking of what she had done and having to be pleasant to her for the sake of her brother.
When they had had left I got to thinking that really, in a way,he has everything he wanted now; he has his other woman, his new family 'do over'; he won't be burdened by me soon; his children are grown and he can do as he likes. I had been thinking that maybe one day he might look back and realise what he has lost. But actually, he won't because he will probably be quite content with the ways things have worked out!
Just me feeling bitter, I guess!
I think you are right - I think it is easier the less contact I have with him. Not that there is much now, but each time I see him I am unsettled. I know that after the divorce is over I will have no contact unless it is to do with the children... I think he thinks we will still be in touch... not going to happen... for the sake of my sanity!
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Old 22nd May 2011, 05:54 PM   #192
chosen
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Heather, you are right. You will need to keep him away for your well being. My husbands former wife, who did what your husband has done by meeting someone else, thought that they could still be 'friends' and that he would still do things for her and go over at her beck and call, even after he had married me!!!
Eventually he had to make it crystal clear that this was no longer going to happen, and since then, (5 years ago) we have only seen her once at their adults sons baptism 4 years ago.I suspect that you will be like us, in that you will only meet at the childrens weddings or similar events when you both want to be there.

I have to say though, that if I were his sister or mum, while I know that I would still love him, I would never want the OW in my house and would tell him so.I couldnt condone their relationshiop by welcoming her into my house, but thats just me.He would be able to come if he liked, but not her.
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Old 22nd May 2011, 05:58 PM   #193
Raymond
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Quite wise Heather. A clean break is the healthiest thing for you. The reality of the matter is that he has been adulterous and hasn't broken it off in a clean and healthy way. You musn't concern yourself with that now and you have to watch any bitterness creeping in. You are the innocent party here but bitterness could scuttle your boat if you are not careful. That is the thing you must aim for if you want a healthy future. Being bitter isn't a clean break as it ties you to the one you are being bitter against in the wrong way. Forgiving and moving on will release you from any hold he has on you. Leave those things to God because He is a just God.
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Old 22nd May 2011, 07:28 PM   #194
Heather
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Re: How do I take the final step?

You are right Raymond - I know the dangers of allowing bitterness to take root... I think, at the moment though it is just a part of the process of working through my sadness. I haven't yet really felt any anger at the situation either (maybe that is to come). Others have been angry and outraged - particularly over my husband considering a new family when we found out about my genetic condition... but I have been too hurt to feel anything else. I have a feeling my counsellor is expecting the anger to come at some point, just as this sadness is and as I find it very difficult to express or even acknowledge my anger in any situation I am glad he will be there.
I have always been brought up to view anger in a negative light, as unacceptable and not something we should show... so it is something I struggle with.
That being said, I do try to guard my heart against bitterness which I know will ultimately only eat away and me and turn me into someone I do not wish to be.
h
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Old 22nd May 2011, 07:39 PM   #195
chosen
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Also Heather, its unilkely that he will actually be happy long term. Few relationshiops/marriages that start with adultery last long. After all they are based on lying and deception and cheating and how can that be a good foundation for any relationship?
Anyway that is his problem.
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