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Old 22nd May 2011, 08:40 PM   #196
Raymond
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Chosen is right.

You are very wise to recognise what bitterness can do Heather.

If anger does come there is nothing wrong with that. It is basically a feeling. It is what you do with it that counts. Sometimes it can energise you and give you a determination to not let this thing beat you. It is quite an explosive thing, but turning it on others can be destructive. Harnessed in the right way it may even help you.
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Old 26th May 2011, 10:55 PM   #197
Heather
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Re: How do I take the final step?

I don't understand why I can't feel angry - when I talk to my friends about this situation and what has happened, they are angry and my immediate reaction is to try and diffuse their anger as opposed to feeling anger myself... maybe it will come in time. Like I said, at the moment I just feel lost and sad, worn out too. I would like nothing more than to go away somewhere, curl up and hide.
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Old 26th May 2011, 11:55 PM   #198
chosen
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Re: How do I take the final step?

heather, Please dont worry about that. My first husband deeply hurt my children and myself and acted appallingly, and yet 12 years later, I have never really felt that strong anger towards him. Yet I can feel angry towards others who have done less than he did!

I think its because I loved him and was married to him for 25 years. Its the same for you. This was a man you were married to and who you loved, and its harder to feel anger with those we have had a close relationshop with.

I think this is why in the case of an affair, its easier to blame and to be angry with the other party, than to blame and be angry with the spouse because we dont know the other person.

People that you know, such as your friends, will be angry. I am angry with your husband for the pathetic way he acted and not doing what he kept promising, to end the affair, but I dont know him and you have had a very close relationship with him.

A deep deep sadness it what I always felt, and still do sometimes, not anger.
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Old 28th May 2011, 11:34 AM   #199
Chamomile
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Re: How do I take the final step?

That's very deep, Chosen. xx
I don't usually get angry "at" him (my h) but inner anger is usually felt when exploring my feelings towards some very specific issues he had caused, be it him posting his personal ad on a dating site without asking me for a divorce or tell me how unhappy he was, first. Even a long after I raised this, he went on denying and accused me of "checking him out" and shifting blame, for example. I stopped checking if his ad is still there but I am assuming that it is (he must have paid his annual fees) as he denied that it was his. Had he withdrawn the ad straightaway in response to my grievances, I wouldn't have build this negative feeling. Anyway...it's not wrong to have the emotion of anger, they say, so long as it is giving you the ability to express it constructively and one learns to change (if he won't).
Do you think you also started to enjoy the idea of being more independent and having more space to yourself, Heather? I do enjoy my space and I'm honest about it so as my h. (we don't live together at the moment). Sometimes, I don't even understand why he wants to live together again but that's going off tangent here.
Enjoy your journey, Heather. xxxx
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Old 2nd June 2011, 02:44 PM   #200
Heather
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Thank you - your answers were really helpful, I had never thought about it like that Chosen, and you are right I have loved him for a long time... I do feel more anger toward the ow.
You are also right Chamomile - I am enjoying my space. I feel safe in it.
This was really brought home to me last night when my husband turned up unannounced! He is working near here today and came to stay. He had also heard that our daughter is home for a few days and thought he would call in and see her! I was completely thrown... didn't know what to think or feel and was actually pretty angry. We all had tea, then he worked and my daughter and I watched TV then as soon as possible I went to bed. I felt that that was my refuge, my space and safe.
I did manage to tell him that next time I would appreciate a warning before he arrives so I am prepared - after all he wanted to see his daughter and we are not divorced yet - the house is still his too and he is entitled to come to it if he needs a place to stay. And if I have warning I am fine with seeing him. It is just if he turns up unexpectedly I find it hard - too many emotions, just when I am trying to sort myself out. Still, he was gone early this morning before I got up so I can relax again now
I honestly don't think he realises what it does to me... he just seems to think we are ok/friends. I know that is what we are aiming for, but I'm not sure I'm there yet!
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Old 2nd June 2011, 02:54 PM   #201
chosen
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Heather its only right that he contacts you and asks you if it is convenient for him to come and see your daughter, but do you really want him staying the night? I wouldnt in your position, and I wonder if the OW knows that he did that?
He has given up his right to come and go as he pleases by leaving you for the OW.
The best thing for you is to see him as rarely as possible, and this will enable you to move on more quickly.To be hoenst, if your children are adults, there should be no need for you to see him at all.
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Old 2nd June 2011, 10:51 PM   #202
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Heather..

If you are legally separated he has NO right to stay in the house for an overnight motel when he is in the mood. It does not matter that he still owns the house or not. Your domicile is yours. You have not said if premiss are leased or co-owned.

It is likely the house factors will be decided and set on final divorce decree. A legal separation, in US, means husband and wife are not living under same roof..even overnight, which would nullify the separation time period prior to final divorce.

He has no business to "drop in" and there needs to be a visitation arrangement set to agreement of both which does not include "drop by" visits. Most parents co-parent and each has custoday for school time during week and weekend custoday for each. My grandaughter lives between both parents and they have a good working situation where the child has quality time with each.

If he is stopping by this way, then I think that is feeling for him that he still controls your life.
He had his years and blew it and it is good for you to control your own space, time and work to a better future. I get it that he and the Ow have likely cooled down and he wants back on your doorstep. That would be a mistake as you have given this man every opportunity to make changes. Divorce and separation is rated as one of lifes' greatest stress issues on a chart of these. So there is no protocol to how you should feel during this time. Just take one day at a time.
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Old 2nd June 2011, 11:11 PM   #203
Forever
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Hi Heather,
Well I think he has a lot of audacity dropping over like that. It is one thing to own a house, but another to respect the occupants living in it. You are in the midst of a divorce all of his own making, so he has no right to invade your space while you try to sort your life. You said you wanted an amicable divorce? So I guess that gives him permission to do what he has always done...come and go as if nothing has changed...have tea together as if you have no feelings. I hope his OW starts feeling the way you have in recent months...it would serve her right. Let HER wonder how cozy it is at your house whilst he is spending the night under the same roof with you as just "friends".

I think the "friendship card" can only be extended after all the emotional stuff and divorce is long over with, but that is just the way I am. It is high time you stop denying the reality of your feelings and take a little action to protect your heart. How do you ever expect to heal? The house will still be standing and property divided up after the divorce, but he has no right to treat it as his personal motel while you are still living in it just because he owns it too.

I rent. So should the owner of the house I live in just pop in whenever they are in town to spend the night? Whoever
said he was entitled to go to "his" house during a divorce?

Children, both young and old, visit with their parents at the place each resides at...this is the reality of divorce. Since he moved out, your children should be visiting him where ever he now lives.

Last edited by Forever; 3rd June 2011 at 12:08 AM.
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Old 3rd June 2011, 12:15 AM   #204
Heather
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Re: How do I take the final step?

To be honest, Forever, I'm not sure whether the reality has really sunk in for my husband yet. I sometimes think it may not until I move house and all our physical links are gone. I wonder if the fact that I still live in the 'family' home, for him, makes it feel as though I am still there for him. I could be completely wrong, but he talks about there being 'no need to rush things' when actually I need some sort of closure so that I can move on.
I went to the solicitor today and signed the divorce petition and handed over my marriage certificate, which I will not see again. That felt very strange - I felt as though I had been cut adrift to bob about for 6 months while the legalities are completed. I imagine my husband will be rather shocked when the petition arrives on his doorstep for him to sign, maybe he doesn't really believe that I will do it? who knows.
I am just hanging on to the knowledge that I have done the right thing and although it is tough I just need to stay on this path until I come out the other side.
I know you have all been in this place - thank you for being here for me
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Old 3rd June 2011, 12:36 AM   #205
Forever
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Oh my. I was under the impression that he had already been served the divorce papers. That explains a lot about why he still feels free to pop over.
His reality has not met up with yours yet.

Last edited by Forever; 3rd June 2011 at 12:54 AM.
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Old 3rd June 2011, 08:43 AM   #206
Raymond
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Re: How do I take the final step?

You have thought about this a lot Heather. This was a stalemate because he carried on his adultery until you would accept him back. No repentance or being sorry whatever. Complete disrespect to you. He remains in adultery even now and this is why you are filing for divorce. This contact is blurring the clarity of what you have come to. You need to disengage and have the closure as you have said.
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Old 3rd June 2011, 10:50 AM   #207
chosen
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Re: How do I take the final step?

I agree with Rayomd, you need to ask him not to come round and not to contact you unless it is vital. I believe your children are nearly adults arent they? If so then he and they can arrange to meet somewhere that doesnt involve him coming to the house.When my husband and His ex divoeced, his boys were aged 18 and 21 and he had no need to see her at all or have any contact. Your divorce can all be dealt with through the solicitors.This will help you to move on and not to have your emotions mucked around with.
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Old 3rd June 2011, 05:43 PM   #208
Heather
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Re: How do I take the final step?

I know it seems as though my husband has been unaware of the reality of the situation, but actually I have only just signed the papers as I have been waiting for my husband to sign the confession to his adultery and then for the solicitor to draw up the papers... he is aware that the legal process is under way - I just don't think he realises what that means yet.
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Old 4th June 2011, 08:25 AM   #209
Raymond
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Re: How do I take the final step?

Once he realises it should change everything. Stay strong.
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Old 4th June 2011, 11:04 AM   #210
Chamomile
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Re: How do I take the final step?

[QUOTE=Heather;62762]I know it seems as though my husband has been unaware of the reality of the situation, but actually I have only just signed the papers as I have been waiting for my husband to sign the confession to his adultery and then for the solicitor to draw up the papers... he is aware that the legal process is under way - I just don't think he realises what that means yet.[/QUOTE]

Hi Healther
It's kind of very odd that you would need to spell out to him that he cannot come and go (and stay overnight!!!)as he pleases. What is this man thinking? Maybe, his "other woman" is getting too much for him already? You will soon get your closure e.g. divorce and your NEW LIFE will begin!!! xxx
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