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Old 12th April 2012, 06:27 AM   #181
Shasha
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Re: Married and lonely

Hallelujah! I realise all along it's not me, but Christ who lives in me. If it wasn't for the Lord, I would have gone a long time ago. But, praise God, I want this to be a success story, as marriages these days tend to go in one direction - separation. Selfishness, pride, bitterness, greed and unforgiveness play a major role in almost all marriage break up.

My big question is, "what would Jesus do?"

Would he run away from his problems or would he stay and try to work it out? Well, we've stayed and we're trying to work things out, against all attack from the enemy. He is the accuser of the brethren and is like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. He is out to kill, steal and destroy, but in the name of Jesus, we are more than conquerors through Christ, who loves us. He is our protector, our shield and it is His strength which keeps us going! Amen.
__________________
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son,
That whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

"For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world,
But that the world through Him
might be saved." JN 3:16,17

Grace be with you all.
God bless!
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Old 12th April 2012, 01:07 PM   #182
Raymond
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Re: Married and lonely

So things are getting better Sasha?
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Old 13th April 2012, 06:36 AM   #183
Shasha
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Re: Married and lonely

Hi Raymond,
The situation has not improved greatly, as my husband still tends to remain passive. However, what has changed tremendously, is my action or reaction to his behaviour and attitude and what is happening, generally in the home. I respect him and still love him. Intimacy-wise, there is a lot of work to be done.
As I have mentioned before, my h is a recluse and he tends to shut himself away in the bedroom, most of the time.
However he is beginning to join me and our son, occasionally in the living room. We keep the communication open and he is more willing to participate in family devotions and discussions.
On a whole, the atmosphere in the home is one of peace,than anything else and that's what's important in a marriage, I suppose.
Take care.
S
__________________
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son,
That whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

"For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world,
But that the world through Him
might be saved." JN 3:16,17

Grace be with you all.
God bless!
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Old 13th April 2012, 08:33 AM   #184
Raymond
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Re: Married and lonely

God seems to be doing a work in you Sasha.

Smith Wigglesworth shut his wife out all night once for going to church. In the morning she came in with a smile and asked him what he wanted for breakfast. The rest is history.
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Old 14th December 2012, 04:32 PM   #185
George
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Re: Married and lonely

Well, it's about a year now since you guys gave me all your helpful and supportive advice, so a quick update from me seems appropriate.

Sadly not much has changed (no sex at all this year), although the more I've resigned myself to the situation, I've found that I'm more at ease with it, even if I know it's still not ideal. We had our 20th anniversary this year and managed to get away for a few days without the children, the first time I can remember us doing that for the whole time we've been married. I didn't try anything on though as I didn't want to spoil it and not surprisingly she didn't make a move either. But apart from that we did have a lovely relaxing time.

The other thing that has happened during the year is that my wife suggested we sleep in separate rooms "to avoid temptation", not that anything was happening in the first place though, so not quite sure where that came from. There's another issue with snoring as well, so that's what we are now doing. For me though it actually makes mb easier, so perhaps indirectly (and of course wrongly) that is why I'm more at ease.

I still am putting my faith in God and the Holy Spirit regarding this, but as nothing has been happening, for now I have to conclude that's the way it is supposed to be for us.

Compliments of the season to you all.

George
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Old 14th December 2012, 09:37 PM   #186
Forever
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Re: Married and lonely

Pardon me George...can you tell me how old your children are now?
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Old 14th December 2012, 11:46 PM   #187
George
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Re: Married and lonely

Hello Forever - of course, no problem. They are 14 and 11. I managed to get Grandparents to look after them when we went away, that was a first too. Also if it helps I'm 52 and my wife is 49.
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Old 15th December 2012, 12:16 AM   #188
Forever
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Re: Married and lonely

Do you think it is a good idea to have separate bedrooms...especially at the age your children are? Wont that give them an idea that this is "normal" in marriage?

Do you think that perhaps the Lord would have you do something other than go along with her kind of leadership?

I guess what I am getting at is that for all these years, you have allowed her to call the shots...allowed her using her interpretation and "choice" of Scripture to back up what she believes to be the difference between good and evil as I recall.

I realize she has a lot of emotional problems...but after all this time, perhaps the one who needs to lay down some consequences for this neglect ,and yes, sin, is YOU. Maybe the Lord is waiting for you to take your rightful position and insist she get counsel and help for what she feels and believes? That is where YOU would come into the picture. Do nothing, and you get nothing...nothing changes when nothing changes. Relying entirely on what the Lord can or will do is good...but only AFTER you have exhausted all other avenues available...but it is my opinion is that you have not even begun.

Last edited by Forever; 15th December 2012 at 12:52 AM.
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Old 15th December 2012, 11:55 AM   #189
Raymond
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Re: Married and lonely

To sleep in seperate rooms because of temptation? I wonder where she is getting her doctrine from. Certainly not the bible that states that we should not defraud the other in this matter (1 Cor: 7). She is in the wrong without a doubt. Keep praying for her. It isn't right.
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Old 15th December 2012, 05:24 PM   #190
Forever
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Re: Married and lonely

I am wondering if when she suggested separate bedrooms because of "temptations", that it was HER who was the one who was being "tempted"? I am thinking this since you have made no advances towards her...and if that is the case, this could indicate that the Lord "might" be trying to work with her perhaps...and she is resisting, thinking it is the devil? Just wishful speculation.

That she views sexual desire between a husband and wife as a temptation which comes from the pit of Hell is antithetical to God's design...this flies in the face of what He intended to use (sex) as a means of a continual bonding between a married couple...as well as a means of securing physical satisfaction in order to avoid temptation from others outside the marriage. When Adam saw Eve, I am sure he knew instinctively what he ought to be doing with her...and she probably figured out the same once he initiated action. Just the differences between men and women and the physical responses exhibited when they are both naked is a pretty good indication of our design and God's intended purpose...all without a needed "command" to encourage them to multiply. Sexual responsiveness never "required" a command...until the Devil entered the picture.

I wonder what your wife would say if she knew that when you mb'd, that there were "others" in your mind rather than her? That she has closed the door for you as a means for securing your own sexual purity because of her wrong beliefs?

I also wonder if you have explained to her that for men, needing sex is much the same as a woman who's breasts are too full of millk and must be released? She has had two children, so should know first hand about the drive to feed a hungry infant in a "timely" manner. This is speaking purely physiologically of course....and you were obviously not born a unich...which means that your satisfaction is ongoing until old age or disease removes it from you.

I cannot help but wonder what God thinks that you allow for this to continue...that you permit her sin to flourish into what is now separate bedrooms...and a husband mbing as though she were in her eiighties with severe medical issues?

If you have been praying ferverently for her, I wonder why God has not seen fit to answer you in some way that clearly lines up with His design and His Word?

So I can only conclude that perhaps He is expecting for you to examine your own leadership role in the home and in the marriage...and where it is found wanting, to "step up to the plate" and make changes....changes that will not fail to get her attention and put the record straight.

You are a "King" in your household...she is supposed to be subjecting herself to you. She is not. God did not set up a marriage in which the woman takes the dominate role and lives in rebellion towards the man she is supposed to love and serve with both body and soul.

What do you think about the idea of changing the nature of your prayers...from resignation to her ideas, instead, to asking God what He wants you to do to take the leadership back where it rightfully belongs in your own home and marriage? See if you get some insight and prompting?

Last edited by Forever; 15th December 2012 at 09:11 PM.
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Old 15th December 2012, 08:05 PM   #191
chosen
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Re: Married and lonely

George you said
"I still am putting my faith in God and the Holy Spirit regarding this, but as nothing has been happening, for now I have to conclude that's the way it is supposed to be for us."

Not thats not the way it is supposed to be for you, its the way that you are allowing it to be, and that your wife is saying that it has to be. She is being disobedient to God and until you make a stand she will carry on being diosobedient. If snoring is an issue, then how come it hasnt been an issue for the many years you have been married previously? You are far too weak, you do everything she says including leaving your own marital bed. Why??????
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Old 15th December 2012, 08:44 PM   #192
Forever
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Re: Married and lonely

Well Chosen, if you can recall...he had an issue with "accommodations" in marriage last year, thinking that it would be a selfish thing to expect a spouse to do something which they did not want to do...and that it would spoil the whole experience.

I rather agree on some level with George in that. Why? Because sexual experiences are the most intimate...whereas accommodating a spouse by doing other types of things such as throwing out the trash or cooking the way he prefers does not seem to be such a deal breaker and delicate issue.

It really does not get to the heart of the matter even if she forces herself to yield to him...I think he wants it to be a mutually satisfying experience and a joy for both.

This is never going to be forthcoming as it stands now. There are other issues preventing even the simplest form of sexual accommodation going on here.

His wife RULES. Now, how to break through that?! What should he do that would not violate his own conscience to guide his wife into happy submission?

Edit:

Something that just came to mind...many years ago, my husband said that his ex wife had become more or less a "refuser"...citing his lack of spiritual leadership, parenting skills, bad habits, and the growing of disrespect for him. After some coaching which resulted in no change in her perspective, he said, "fine...I will refuse to go to work hence forth, being I also have a lot of issues over there too, and you can continue refusing to have sex with me...fair enough?" Things quickly changed. Point being that sometimes we need to "yield" to each other to make sure that basic fundamental needs are being met...she only wanted the two children and continued provisions...but he needed continual "support" too in his own basic way.

I asked him if she resented having to accommodate him sexually. He said that she did not appear to after that, citing that she never really thought about the fact that he did not enjoy what he had to do to provide for her and the children either...and that helped her to be less self centered and more giving about his needs.

Last edited by Forever; 15th December 2012 at 10:22 PM.
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Old 15th December 2012, 10:01 PM   #193
chosen
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Re: Married and lonely

I am not suggesting that she is forced, as that helps no one, but if he insisted that if the marriage is to carry on they both have to go to counselling, then who knows? What she is doing is as bad an an affair in my opinion.
What your husband said is very wise.
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Old 15th December 2012, 10:24 PM   #194
Forever
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Re: Married and lonely

And if she refuses counseling???
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Old 16th December 2012, 05:37 PM   #195
chosen
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Re: Married and lonely

IT depends on whether he wants to accept this for the rest of his life or not. He may need to make a stand.
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