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Old 28th May 2011, 09:27 AM   #166
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I see that you are believing and that you want God's best which is number one really in our priorities. Out of that come the answers whatever direction they come from.

I was reading 1 Cor 7:4 yesterday where it says "The wife does not have authority over her own body but the husband does: and likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body but the wife does. Therefore do not defraud one another unless it is with consent for a while" We can see from this that it is God's clear will that sex is happening within a marriage (not outside of it). If one reads the Song of Solomon it is full of lovemaking.

How to get this across to him as a christian is another question but what you are needing is not unreasonable according to the scriptures.
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Old 28th May 2011, 11:34 AM   #167
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I am very impressed at your post and I can see God working very much in you and your situation. He loves to use such things to bring us closer to Him.

I do think that God did work in your mums situation and marriage, because her husband had cheated many times and thus broke the marriage covenant and he was damaging her, but I do believe that your marriage is different, and apart from this one problem it is good.

I also agree totally at how hard it is to reach Catholics. I belong to another forum, a Christian one, and the RC's there are so hard to deal with and reach, as they seem to be so blind to the truth of the Bible and what is important, and they place such importance on tradition and rituals and 'religion', as opposed to the reationship that God wants to have with us. However keep on praying for him, and the fact that he prays and reads the Bible is brilliant. MY pastor was bought up as a RC and went to an RC boarding school, so he has a lot of insight as to what goes on. He came out of it when he became a Christian in his late teens.
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Old 28th May 2011, 09:01 PM   #168
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Thanks so much for all of your input, it has helped me come to this point. I do seem happier although nothing has changed between us but my mom prayed with me and I do see a change in him. He's talking more and even joking once in awhile and seems to be doing better. I can only hope and pray that it will get better. The closer to God I get the more I am able to be happy anyway and deal with this. I have to keep believing that God has the answer to this.
Its very different getting advice from christians than just a website with non-christians. I'm on the road to a better life and I do feel better. I have somehow come to accept what is happening even though I am not satisfied with the way things are. At some point in time I will talk to him again about this but I feel to just leave it for now and concentrate on getting my life in order with God. A lot is going on in our lives and not having a job is difficult but we do have love, him and I, and there are a lot of people in the world who do not.
To have someone truly love you is a wonderful thing in itself. Life isn't perfect and we have our issues and problems but as long as the love is there I think things can be worked out. I will just be honest and open with him when I talk to him and be patient and very nice, the way I usually am so as not to make him defensive. Meanwhile I will support him and treat him well like I always do. The difference now is that I won't be resenting him and angry deep inside me.
I have to change the way I think but anything is possible with God and being angry and resentful doesn't solve anything, its only hurting myself. I have to trust God and I have to trust this man I fell in love with so long ago. I'm not saying it will be an easy road, i'm just saying that with god's help we can travel this road together and eventually reach the end.
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Old 28th May 2011, 09:51 PM   #169
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

You are so right, what an amazing way God is working in you!Its so encouraging. Carry on what you are doing, and you are so right that resentfullness and anger can be so destructive.
As you said Baroness, to have a person who loves you and wants to be with you is so special, with so many people who have no one. Keep thanking God for the good things that you have.

God Bless
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Old 29th May 2011, 09:07 AM   #170
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

You are giving yourself your own wise counsel Baroness which I heartily agree with. We are supposed to live by faith and that is what you are doing. God is always a rewarder of those that diligently seek him. He puts amazing answers in unbelievble places sometimes.
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Old 30th May 2011, 01:20 AM   #171
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Well, I actually talked to him sooner than I thought. We were in the front room watching tv and before I actually thought about it I asked him how come he never sleeps with me and he said I'm on the computer and that's why. I said i'm not always on the computer and sometimes I go to bed before him and he kind of changed the subject. We were sitting there holding hands and listening to music by that time and later on he went to go take a shower, which is the sign that he's coming to bed. He likes to take a shower before making love to me and he's always done that. So I come to bed and he's asleep.
This has happened before and it upset me because normally he would hold me at least but this time he didn't and it was kind of late for us so he just crashed. I feel like I missed that opportunity and today I told him he passed out on me again and he kind of shrugged his shoulders. I also told him that he works so hard up at the canyon and that is why he passes out on me. He acted like it was no big thing. When this has happened previously he always apologizes if he thinks i'm upset about it but because I didn't act upset, that was his reaction.
Even though I was upset last night I just don't have the personality to stay mad at him even though it would let him know that it wasn't okay. I used to be mad the next day and if I got angry when it happened he always would apologize. I didn't ask him anything else last night because of what he said about sleeping with me. Yes, I am on the computer but its because he's watching reruns, which I told him last night, but there are many times I go to bed before him and he stays up and watches tv.
For no reason I told him earlier today that I loved him and he said he loved me too and I went to kiss him. Lately i'm the one who kisses him and it bothers me a little but he does kiss me sometimes. I want to shake him and tell him that he needs to be more attentive in this relationship. Doesn't he realize how lucky we are to have found one another? He needs to pay attention. He also said it was hard for him to pay all the bills and I reminded him that he said it would be fine, but I can tell he is a little stressed but whenever I bring it up he just waves it aside.
I thanked him for being so understanding about taking care of everything but he just doesn't see that us not making love is a problem or he doesn't want to admit anything so he takes that attitude. Now he will go back to sleeping in there and I will go to bed early tonight because I stayed up late and I can assure you that he won't be sleeping with me. It's just an excuse. He didn't snore, which was his original excuse and its true, that I had a hard time previously sleeping with him when he snored and he didn't want me to go out on the sofa so he sleeps on the sofa instead.
I just wish he'd do something. It's like i'm not even here, he doesn't notice me or care about us being together. This is when it is the hardest for me because he was in bed with me but nothing happened. I'm trying not to focus on sex too much but when its been so long its hard not to. He had every intention of making love to me last night but he fell asleep. This is the way its been for several months. However, we've been joking around with each other today and things seem fine.
We talked a lot last night about different things. The canyon, my daughter, a lot of stuff but nothing of a personal nature as to him and me. He has said to me if i'm not happy, he will leave and that concerns me too because why say that if you love someone? I think he is amazed that I have stayed with him all these years and he's told me I deserve someone better and I tell him there is no one better than he is. I go out of my way to say nice things to him, to make him feel loved and it doesn't cost me anything to do that.
I know he's had disasterous relationships and he can't believe that he's found someone to stick with him, he's said this. His longest relationship was five years and there was cheating going on so its almost like he expects me to cheat on him or find someone else and I told him i'm a christian and that isn't the way I was raised. I'm not on the look out for another man. I want this relationship to work. It's different for me now. Before I would have been upset and resentful, but I'm not. I'm showing him all the love I have for him and its become lighter between us, more comfortable and i'm not carrying around resentful thoughts or anger.
It's too bad about last night but there will be other times. It's just hard because I am not going through what he is. I'm the same and he has changed and its been hard for me to adjust. I actually feel closer to him since I've changed my attitude and started trusting God more. Life isn't fair sometimes and things happen and people change but we still love each other and even though I have confusion sometimes, I know that he loves me and I just don't want him to take 'us' for granted.
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Old 30th May 2011, 09:12 AM   #172
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Sounds like you don't always sleep in the same bed but when you do nothing happens. Maybe things can happen earlier when he is not so tired and you are not on the computer. Is he hinting at this?

Anyway the main thing is preserving and maintaining the good relationship you have as you have touched on. As you say there will be other times. The fact that he said you are always on the computer seems to be the excuse so maybe he does think about it earlier. I don't know. I think you have to be careful about not pressuring him as you yourself have stated. At his age he might have performance pressure that is why I said you can do other things to take the pressure off the big performance.
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Old 30th May 2011, 04:54 PM   #173
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Red face Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I think that things will be okay now. I woke up this morning and was really happy when I said good morning and its quite a change from not speaking at all to him in the morning. We will be okay. I have come to accept the way things are. Yes, there will be other times. At least I hope so. Even if there aren't, what does it really matter as long as we long each other? Of course intimacy does matter but we have that in a different manner. My concern was just that he was acting like he didn't care about being with me anymore.
Women have a tendancy to take things at face value, what they see and hear and they react to that. I have a tendancy to look beyond what is said or not said, to what he might be feeling deep inside. I have always had this ability to look beyond what I person does and says to what might be causing them to react the way they do. That is why I am very careful about what I say to anyone because I weigh how they will feel if it was happening to me.
Obviously he is not going to talk about this since he is making the same excuses and that's fine. He doesn't have to talk about it. I will give him his dignity in this because I care about how he feels. I don't know what a man feels when he can't perform anymore but I can only try to understand how it feels. He doesn't have to bare his soul to me on this issue if it costs him to do so. I don't want him to feel any pressure because of me or something i've said and trust me when I say, he doesn't. I have never gotten angry at him because of this.
If I am upset the night he falls asleep then that feeling leaves in the morning. I told him he passed out on me again and he kind of ignored it where he used to apologize. We have settled in to this kind of relationship now. He sleeps in there mostly and sometimes he comes in here and lately he just falls asleep, but sometimes he holds me and tells me he loves me so as long as there is some intimacy I am glad. I leave the rest to God and I am still asking for his help in this.
But now I just want to be happy with this man and since I let go of my resentment we have been doing so much better. He has a tendancy to keep things to himself and he was horrible about it when we first met. Now he does open up to me but not on this subject. I have to respect his right to not bare his defiencencies regarding sex. I am just being loving and caring and this takes the pressure off of him even though he just makes excuses.
Before I came on here I was ready to leave him, I entertained that thought seriously when I would become very frustrated, but now I see that I was only making myself unhappy and that I love him regardless of how much time he spends in bed with me. Turning it all over to God has also helped very much. I was raised in church and I know that the only answer is God, but I got caught up in my feelings and frustrations and forgot that.
I won't forget it again and I want you to know that I am a strong woman and I will get through this. God has always helped me and while he seems kind of far from me now, I know he is not far. But I will tell you this, in all my life time of trials, this has to be the worst.
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Old 30th May 2011, 07:03 PM   #174
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

You have the commitment Baroness that goes beyond your feelings and that is very important. Sounds like things have improved during the marriage in that now he opens up more but not on sex yet.

Funny enough my wife doesn't open up verbally on sex very easily either, but because of embarrassment. I think a lot of women are like that maybe. If I want to say something I really need to say that is intimate and also makes me vulnerable I have to get it really right. I usually keep it on the back burner and pray about it until the opening comes. I find that if I feel strongly about it the opportunity comes in a natural way and that is when I need the courage to strike while the iron is hot as it can disappear if you are not careful.
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Old 31st May 2011, 05:43 PM   #175
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Well, after everything I have said about accepting it and relying on God, lastnight I was regressing in that I was very frustrated. We had a good day. I barbeques steaks and make potato salad from scratch and had corn on the cob. And yet I went to bed alone because I was so busy all day and he was sitting there watching tv. We spent all day together watching movies I chose and were getting along and he thanked me for the great meal and once in bed I realized that nothing had changed and that nothing is going to change.
I felt like a fool because no matter how patient I am and how I try to leave everthing to God; I am the only one changing here, that nothing has changed really except me and my thinking process. Of course I have always been understanding and loving but i've been doing it for years and now I feel as though I have nothing to look forward to and that's when depression sets upon me and I feel like i'm wasting my time. I also feel like i'm sending the message that its okay that he doesn't sleep with and its okay that we don't make love and as long as i'm sending this message he will do nothing to make me feel better and will keep on in his same way.
I want to be mad at him so he will see that things are not okay, that I can't just accept this, but my anger never lasts because I am a Christian and I have a tendancy to not carry the feelings to the next morning. This morning I woke up and didn't even want to get out of bed. He's up at the canyon now and will be home by noon. Its frustrating not to tell him how I feel but he won't want to hear it. I wonder how I ever got into this situation. How could something so great turn into something so frustrating? How could this be happening to me?
I've heard about erectyle disfunction for years and in the past I always considered myself lucky because he showed no signs of it. And now here we are in something I never thought would happen and I should have seen it coming because he is 9 years older than me but I just didn't expect it so soon and actually never gave it a second thought. I know I am digressing and I apologize but I have to wonder if this is the way its always going to be; me being brave in my understanding and patience, and then once in awhile feeling this hopelessness and battling it?
Perhaps I should read the bible now and pray because I can't stand to be positive one day and then the reality of the situation descends upon me and I feel hopeless and like there will be no more happy times for us, no sharing of our bodies, and I wonder if it will eventually take its toll on my love for him. I've heard people say that a relationship can not last without sex. Do you think that is true? I'm a vibrant woman most of the time and need to be loved. Please forgive me this morning because i'm at that point where all my positive thoughts have left me.
I will no doubt recover and go back to more positive thoughts but it was me in this state that caused me to go on line and seek advice in the first place. It seems such a hopeless situation and I feel like crying this morning because I fear it will never get any better. As a christian am I expected to just accept a life without sex because he has a problem? It seems unfair to me that christian women have to just accept this and live like this without being fullfilled. What is wrong with me? I have been so positive and now I am going back to the way I felt before, despondent and feeling like i'm really all alone.
I know why this is happening to him, I understand the logistics and why he can't talk about it, but why can't I just accept it all the time instead of just some of the time? Why do I have to wake up and feel like I have nothing to look forward to with him? I know sex is not everything in a relationship and i'm probably just being ridiculous but I do feel this way right now and I wonder why I can't just live with him this way without getting upset.
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Old 31st May 2011, 05:58 PM   #176
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

baroness
Things always seem harder at some times than others. I am like you in that some days I can feel good about life, others even small things seem to bring me down a bit. I think that is partly us women who allow feelings to sway us.
Why dont you pour your heart out in a letter telling him how you feel? Write what you have said here, and how important it is that you work on this together?If he knows exactly how unhappy you are,and and still wont do anything to help the situation, then that would be sad. Maybe he thinks that if you dont mention it, you arent worried any more?

I cant agree that some who say that a relationship cant last without sex. There must be many many couples who are elderly, or where one is ill or disabled and sex isnt possible, that carry on, but as you say it is important.
Do you think it is his age? I only ask this because it wasnt long ago that you said you had sex a lot, and to go from that to practically nothing, seems unlikely unless there is another reason for it.
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Old 31st May 2011, 06:32 PM   #177
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baroness View Post
I know sex is not everything in a relationship and i'm probably just being ridiculous but I do feel this way right now and I wonder why I can't just live with him this way without getting upset.
A Good question, Chosen. I did wonder the same thing but I had hesitated to ask. It did cross my mind if he is seeing someone else? He does come across as a very content man who hadn't had s** for a while? This is very odd for a man....S** to men, is well higher up on his priority list. And, his h is not interested, there must be a reason as you say.

Baroness, I don't think you are being "ridiculous". If I am incapable of sharing intimacy in our marriage, my h will naturally consider a divorce or consider finding/seeing someone else. I know this because when I was ill for some time and not able to give him the kind of attention he so needed as a man, he tried to seek some "friends" through a dating site.
Relationship between a husband and a wife is a special relationship. Surely once it's no longer fulfilled, you are bound to miss that special bond.

Have you thought about visiting S** Therapy?
hope this problem will come to an end very soon for you.
xxx
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Old 31st May 2011, 10:33 PM   #178
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

He's not seeing anyone else because I asked him and he said he hasn't been with another woman since he met me. It was about three years ago that we had good sex and since then it has been going downhill with him not keeping a **** on. He's 65 and i'm 55 and he told me once he doesn't know why but he gets more tired now and then apologized. That was about a year ago. I have written a letter to him, sweet and simple that I missed being with him sexually and he doesn't like to get letters and says I should just talk to him but when I try to talk to him he doesn't want to admit there is a problem. After this morning I just poured my heart out to God and I feel better.
You are right, people can live without sex, I just didn't want to be one of them. He does still try though and I do get pleasure but i'm not too sure he does. He likes sex or always has and so when I say i've had to adjust I mean over the past few years. I am still attracted to him and I asked him if he was attracted to me and he said of course he was, how could I ask such a thing and that he loved me very much.
I think it is his age because he spent a lot of time in bars drinking previously and I think its catching up to him. Maybe he was an alcoholic but he seems fine without drinking. I read up on alcoholics not performing anymore and so it fits but all I know is that I love him and for me to do this I have to be in touch with God on a daily basis. I thank you for your advice but if he can't have sex with me he certainly isn't having it with another person and God is a priority so I don't think he would do that. Besides, there are times when he is passionate and I see the old him but its few and far in between.
I will be fine. I just have to deal with this and maybe not think about it so much. It's hard and I don't mean to sound like a woman who has to have sex every day but I just miss it because it was so good. Thank you so much for encouraging me and giving me advice. It helps to come on here and talk about it and I hope you aren't getting tired of me talking.
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Old 31st May 2011, 10:42 PM   #179
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

No we arent getting tired of you talking AT ALL.
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Old 1st June 2011, 10:34 AM   #180
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Indeedy
I think he probably needs to see a family doctor just in case, some men reaching certain age group, maybe some health check would be useful, particularly in the light of his previous drinking? (mainly to check there's nothing sinister behind all this x)

It's good to hear he had reassured you that there's no worry for porn or affair. What a relief I guess, I didn't realize you were 10 years younger than him. You know the sexual peak difference between men and women? Men reach his peak earlier in life and Women, on the other hand, very late..Maybe, he doesn't realize how important intimacy is? It could well be his fatigue. He should try something, when a woman is still in her 50s, it's not fair on her to just give it up so young.

xxx
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