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Old 24th July 2011, 10:26 AM   #646
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
You asked Helen about her feelings toward Christians. She and I are good penpals outside the forum
and her posts are always helpful here and friends she made here. Did you ask her if she hated Christians? I am sure I must have misread that, as you would not ask her such a question? I think she felt badly about this. I wanted to ask you what happened there?
Hi I don't have anything to add.
It would be best just to let things go.
Helen knows what I meant and that's all it matters.
No further comment will be made re other thread, which this thread is not meant for.

xx
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Old 24th July 2011, 12:15 PM   #647
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

baroness
Glad that things are going well for you. Its a blessing to have a good husband.
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Old 26th July 2011, 05:40 AM   #648
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

He and I were just watching a movie and I got a little uncomfortable because two people were making love and there was partial nudity involved which I wasn't crazy about. It's one of George Clooney's new movies and it was my idea but this woman was younger, had a flatter stomach and I really would have preferred him not to watch that and the silence was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

I wonder what he thinks when he sees something like that. Does he feel guilty because he isn't making love to me like he's supposed to? I tried to bring up the subject again this morning in kind of a joking way and its clear to me that he isn't going to address the subject at all. However; we seem to be doing okay I guess. Of course, he might not have wanted me to look at George Clooney's body either!

I didn't really pay attention to the rating. I had no idea since I hadn't seen any previews. I'm sure he felt uncomfortable too and I think I saw him look away but I'm not sure. I told him today he was a really nice man because he's been helping a friend paint his house for a couple of weeks now and he's doing it for free. So he uses his gas to go over to this guys house and works for him for free until around noon.

I told him that I didn't really think that was right because originally they had discussed it as a paying job and I think he's taking advantage of him and I don't like that, but there is something to be said for my h doing this for a friend I guess. He was kind of cute last night. Sometimes when I go to kiss him I say why am I the only one who initiates the kissing?

Last night I was in here and he came in here and planted a big one on me and then said, 'Why am I the only one who initiates kissing?' I had to laugh. I have thought that maybe he would like it if I had a flatter stomach but ever since going through menopause it is very hard for me to lose weight. I don't have a flat stomach and maybe i'm being stupid for even thinking such a thing, but this is one of the things that happens when you get older, I suppose, and see the younger and thinner women.

Actually I have thin legs but I like to cook and so its a battle for me. I try to cook us healthy meals and before menopause I could lose weight easily but now it is so hard for me. Of course I'm not fat so he shouldn't have a problem with it. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself, but as some of you know; this is what we do when our men don't seem to want to be with us anymore.

The first thing we do is think it's us, especially if they don't want to reassure us, and then we figure out it isn't, or at least I did. At least I hope it isn't me. You see? The doubts will always come. But I have continued to read the bible and pray and today I gave him a book that has scriptures in it for each day and the author is talking about different issues and I wasn't sure he would read it, but he said he would.

My mother gave me a little book too called The Word for you today and today it was interesting because the title was 'How To Be Married and Happy.' It says that the world of movie magic creates unrealistic expectations in us. It says every marriage is made up of two flawed people and expecting perfection is naive and will keep undermining your relationship. Happiness in marriage depends on coming to terms with your mutual defects and dealing with them realistically. Always try to look your best but accept unchangeable features - yours and your partners.

Aging is God's idea so accept it with dignity and become wiser with it. Of course it ends with nothing could be better when you give your partner pleasure, but we don't always get the chance to do that, do we? Don't worry, I'm not getting depressed about it.

I spent the greater part of the day looking at all kinds of different hats to maybe get ideas. I'm working on a pillbox hat now but I accidentally tore a hole in the netting which was very old so I will have to buy some more. The hat was a little out of shape and since i'm just starting all this I didn't have the proper tools to put the hat on so after rummaging around in my kitchen I found a glass cover that covers one of my pans and it fit perfectly inside the hat.

I'm the type that if I don't have the proper tools I will find something that works. They have some beautiful hats on 1aokgals website and some of them are very fancy indeed. The man's hat that I had on ebay, I had to take off cause my h wanted it and he's going to pay me for it too. It helps a lot to focus on the hats when I feel myself starting to think negatively.

I tell myself, 'Don't go there, forget him! Think about the hats!' That may sound odd to some of you but it works for me. I needed something to think about other than this disaster that is happening to us.

Thanks, Chamomile, for your kind words about me. It helps us to have people tell us nice things about ourselves, don't you think? While I was at my mom's she took me aside one day and hugged me and told me she was really proud of me and that meant the world to me. Kindness doesn't cost anything.

Nothing has really changed around here regarding the sex, but what has changed is me. I am thinking of other things besides being frustrated with him and I am now reading the bible and praying every day and it helps me and I am looking forward to making the hats and I think that might be one of the reasons God led me here.

Things might not be the way I would prefer them, but that doesn't mean I can't be happy and strong and determined to have a great life!

Last edited by Baroness; 26th July 2011 at 05:53 AM.
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Old 26th July 2011, 08:44 AM   #649
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

baroness you have made some really good points.
The media and TV and films are very guilty because of the unrealistic expectations that they bring on us, that we have to look a certain way, weigh a certain amount and that sex is always amazing and erotic. However, you only have to look at the lives of the film stars to see that it isnt that way with them. The way they look and the films they are in doesn't make them happy. So many have had marriage breakups and have stolen others peoples spouses. Many are into drugs drink and live a lifestyle that seems to do anything but make them happy.Many have obsessions with their looks and weight that drive them from one extreem to another. It is a very unhealthy and dysfunctional world to be in, and, as you say, it isnt real life.

Yes do be careful about films that you watch, and if your husband did look away then good for him. My husband will close his eyes if anything like that comes on or if there are any women that arent wearing much, say in an advert or on a TV programme. The reason why we hardly watch any films is just because of this very thing as he is very strict about what he allows himself to see/watch.

It definately does get harder to loose weight as we age, I have found the same. I have to eat less and exercise more just to maintain my weight let alone loose it. Few women who have had children and who are our ages have flat stomachs.yes I agree, we all age and we do need to just go with it and accept it gracefully.

Your mum is clearly proud of you. Give thanks for her. My mum died in her 50's when I was 30 and I wish she was still here. A good and godly mum is so precious.
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Old 26th July 2011, 11:46 AM   #650
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

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Originally Posted by Baroness View Post

Thanks, Chamomile, for your kind words about me. It helps us to have people tell us nice things about ourselves, don't you think? While I was at my mom's she took me aside one day and hugged me and told me she was really proud of me and that meant the world to me. Kindness doesn't cost anything.

Nothing has really changed around here regarding the sex, but what has changed is me. I am thinking of other things besides being frustrated with him and I am now reading the bible and praying every day and it helps me and I am looking forward to making the hats and I think that might be one of the reasons God led me here.

Things might not be the way I would prefer them, but that doesn't mean I can't be happy and strong and determined to have a great life!
Hi Baroness

Thank you for the latest post, which I have savoured so much. Yes, I completely agree, sometimes, it's just so so so comforting to hear something gentle, loving and peaceful when the world is not like that.

Hope it's not too hot in LA or somewhere in CAL. When you say, Canyon, are you referring to Laurel Canyon? I have heard about that.

I didn't think you were overweight at all. I remember your photo. Some women on tv commercials are too thin. These models/actresses may need to be so thin to be considered as "elegant" but female bodies are not meant to be so thin...I'm sure they put on some weight as soon as they come off the set. lol Otherwise, how could they live being so thin?

Since I saw your post, I found this site. Looks like there's a husband's forum (which I hadn't looked)

Our mission is to support husbands and wives in the enjoyment of sexual intimacy in marriage. We are committed to the idea that God created sex as a gift to married couples to promote a special kind of human relationship. Consistent with our Christian values, our site does not sell, display or support pornography or nudity. To aid romance and sexual intimacy in your marriage, see our store for adult novelties, games, lingerie, candles and more.

(thepurebed dot com)

Your comments about creating hats sound very intriguing. It reminded me of the Royal Ascot Horse Race where ladies wear interesting hats.

Love & Peace

xxx
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Old 27th July 2011, 04:06 AM   #651
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

What can you do when you think your h is just doing it himself? You know, like m? I went in the front room just now and he jerked and this isn't the first time he's done this. He was even joking about it the other day when I went in there and he moved like that again and I said I didn't want to bother him since he was scratching or whatever he was doing.

When this happens he always smiles at me and I can't explain it but he acts differently than when I go in there when he's just watching a movie? Last time he asked what was wrong and I said never mind, you don't want to know and he insists I tell him and so I told him. If I accuse him of it he always denies it so I haven't bothered and it hasn't happened a lot.

But because I don't actually see it I can't confront him and even when I was sure I saw it a long time ago he denied it. I can't understand this. I was doing so good with trusting God but how can I pretend this is not going on if it really is? Do I install a camera in the room or what?

This makes me feel like such a fool to believe his excuses. Of course I never really believed them but I didn't have proof. There is no pornography going on and he isn't cheating on me but what if this is really happening and he'd rather do that than be with me? I've never had a man do this to me before and I know i've talked about it earlier in this thread.

I just can't fool myself anymore. I think that's what's happening. We get along so well otherwise and i've been going around here all happy and believing things will change but he hasn't changed, he's still the same and the last time I remember us having good sex was last October, and that was 10 months ago. There have been attempts but nothing came of them.

But for the past 4 months there has been no attempts. I didn't want to come on here and tell you this, its embarrassing and especially so since I can't tell you I know it for a fact but I'm pretty sure this is happening. I know his ways and his movements and I am almost positive this is happening.

I wanted to go in there and lash out at him but I sat here for a few minutes and I almost started crying because I just don't know what to do about this. I have prayed for him but am I to just let him go on thinking that I'm a gullible fool? I'm not gullible and I'm not stupid but he won't admit it.

I told you what happened the last time I brought it up, I asked him if we were ever going to have sex again and he said yes. We've slept together a few nights ago but sleeping is all we did and in the morning I told him he passed out on me and weren't we supposed to be together? He just looked at me and then changed the subject. He isn't trying anymore.

How can he think this would be okay with me and anyway, how could he do this to me? Okay, I have to get myself together. I can't cry and I can't allow myself to fall apart because I've come so far. I didn't want to come on here and tell you but who else am I going to talk to?

Making hats and planning a business is fine but I can't ignore what is happening. I live with him. He won't admit it to me and he isn't going to get help, so what do I do? Pretend I'm okay with this? Pretend I'm happy when my heart is breaking? I'm a very honest person and I call it the way I see it. I need your help now because I feel like lashing out and yet I know that isn't the best thing to do.

He's making a fool of me and disrespecting me and the one thing I demand from anyone is respect. I just feel like I've come all this way just to come to a dead end after all. I can't believe he thinks i'm this stupid. So what do I do now, guys? Pretend that everything is okay?

He may like to live in denial but I will not. When I see him again he will smile at me and act like everything is okay. What a hypocrite, what a selfish, selfish man. And I know what you will say, you'll tell me that he's a good man and I'm to be thankful, but I don't feel very thankful right now. I feel like a fool. Can any of you understand what I am going through at this minute?

It's a horrible feeling. I went on a long walk today because I'm trying to lose some weight and walking is good for me anyway and I told him about it and that I wanted to lose weight, but we're only talking about 8 pounds here. I was very skinny when I was younger and I don't want to be again and he isn't even the reason I want to lose weight.

I want to feel better about myself, healthier, and it might even help my back. Maybe this is just the enemy attacking me or this is just a trial or maybe I'm worried about nothing but I don't think so. I am not an accepting kind of person. I know how a relationship is supposed to be and I find it very hard to just accept something negative in my life and not try to change it.

Some women put up with things from a man, things that aren't so good, but I've never been that kind of woman. If a h cheats on me I leave him, if I think he's not respecting me, I tell him. I really can't believe I've just gone along with this for so long but I've done it because I thought it was something he couldn't help.

But no ones making him m, are they? This isn't something I can live with. I've been on here talking about my relationship a long time and i've shown him love and patience but I think too much of myself to let this man think that i'm so stupid I just believe all his excuses about not sleeping with me. After writing this thread right now I feel a little calmer so I won't do anything drastic tonight.

I will just ask God to help me but its hard to push this aside when I have all these feelings. In my entire life, no matter how bad my ex's were, I have never had to put up with anything like this. Before, I wasn't sure this was happening, now I'm sure it is but I can't prove it and even if I stood there for ten minutes and watched him doing it, he would still deny it and tell me he was just scratching or something.

I have to try and get rid of the indignation I feel right now because normally I would go in there and attack. I'm going to go now but I wish one of you would tell me how to deal with this and what to do now. Just when I was doing so good this had to happen and now I just feel very, very, foolish.
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Old 27th July 2011, 05:45 AM   #652
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Baroness...

There is no use getting yourself into a spin about this. You can trust your feelings. You saw what you saw. This is his method to cope with stress. Yes, to a woman it is disgusting. His method of getting pleasure robs you, his wife, because he has no need for intercourse since he is satisfied.

Don't let the anger of this rock your world and rob you of some of the progress you made to handle your end of this marriage. Your situation is such you won't be better off somewhere else, will you? The reality of your life is that you must adjust and still hope for the better. Do you understand me?

Here is what you do. You sit down beside him without hysteria or upset/crying and tell him how you feel.

"I am disgusted to think that this is how you contribute to our marriage. I don't want to lose the respect I have for you. I ask that you think about this performance and see if you understand how humiliated I feel. I want our marriage can survive because I love you and want to believe the best about you."

"You can take your business to the bathroom and don't MB here in the living room which is part of my home. I don't want to think you can disrespect me that much! Kindly be man and take it somewhere else."

He will tell you that you are blind, crazy, and deny what you saw of course, among other things...and say he would never. Bull!
Just say your speech and let whatever he says NOT goad you into a performance you will regret later. Screaming, crying...forget it. Stiff upper lip. You work on your personal issues that little bit of weight and your own well being and health.
Then, Baroness, you get back to making and planning your lovely hats.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 27th July 2011 at 05:55 AM.
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Old 27th July 2011, 01:29 PM   #653
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

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Originally Posted by Baroness View Post
I will just ask God to help me but its hard to push this aside when I have all these feelings.

I have to try and get rid of the indignation I feel right now because normally I would go in there and attack. I'm going to go now but I wish one of you would tell me how to deal with this and what to do now. Just when I was doing so good this had to happen and now I just feel very, very, foolish.
Well, there's nothing wrong in bouncing your grief directly on a site like this if that helps, Baroness. We are all ears for you.

I often find Beauty in God as nothing else really matters when I have my Faith. He's there for me. My h, my physical pain, grief, uncaring attitudes in some and all the uninteresting stuff thrown at us, these become so unimportant. There are so many Good things in life instead, so many blessings we don't realize. God helps me focus and not be affected by all these dirts and manure that this life generously keeps giving me.

I don't know if your h is "disrespecting" you when he does M. M is a basic relief for someone who does not engage full penetrative/etc sex. Not ejaculating regularly, I hear, causes prostate dysfunction in males. So it's more like a physiological need rather than a want? It seems that's the way he "deals with" it. I personally don't think he is disrespecting you but he's probably not quite aware how distressed you really are about this.

He sounds like he has a very poor sex life himself.

xx
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Old 27th July 2011, 01:55 PM   #654
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

baroness
Its my feeling that if he was going to do this, he DEFINATELY wouldnt be doing it in the front room where you are likely to walk in, but would do it in the bathroom/shower or when you are asleep. Why would he risk you seeing him?It doesn't make any sense.
You still dont know if he is doing this or not and he may well not be.

Last edited by chosen; 27th July 2011 at 04:34 PM.
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Old 27th July 2011, 03:56 PM   #655
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness,

How long has he been sleeping on the couch instead of the bed, with you? That was his idea or yours? What is a normal function for a man becomes habit forming/addictive and sublimates desire for intercourse. Generally there are visual images and MB is comforting and non-threatening mode for release and no anxiety that he might disappoint you.

Some men have done this all their lives. The more they engage in this selfish behavior, the less interested in intercourse they become. They don't get the same degree of physical release in the sex act with the partner as they do for themselves. You husband figures that is his bedroom and was comfortable and visualizing. Most men will continue to deny and will not discuss this behavior.

Ask him if he can stop for a couple weeks so you might have normal sex with the two of you. See what he says. Probably he will say he would never MB and you did not see what you saw. I don't think men lost in this self love care much how the wife sees the issue.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 27th July 2011 at 04:02 PM.
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Old 27th July 2011, 05:20 PM   #656
Forever
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness,
Speaking from experience here...as an older man developes ED, his penis remains too soft for "practical" use, even though he is still able to produce an orgasim for himself. But he knows that even if he can have an orgasim, he still cannot get hard enough to penetrate his wife, and the more he tries, it usually results in extreme embarrassment for him which actually exasperates the problem. Basically, all he has left are the memories of great sex with you in the beginning of your marriage, and probably draws on those to produce excitement for relieving himself. He may be privately "testing" out his "microphone" from time to time hoping that it will get better...but it wont without some kind of intervention, which most men will not seek.

Over here in California, women throw "Passion Parties" (which are private in homes) where a woman can go to get sexual aids without having to go to a sleazy Adult store. I went to one of these because a friend of mine invited me and I was curious...also, my husband does not have ED, but the amount of alcohol he drank nightly during those days, had the exact same effect as if he did have ED. There, I happened upon this little silicone (not rubber or some other material) thing that looked like a wide version of a very stretchy "O" ring...

It is designed to slide on (using lubrication jelly) to the base of the penis when a man's penis is almost halfway "there". It traps the blood flow as it goes into the penis, but does not allow it to leave thus producing a very hard and impressive erection that lasts. It enhances sensation for the husband ( obviously and wife) and yet does not block him from having an orgasim...as a matter of fact, the orgasim's are far more powerful than what he can get "manually".

These things are better than Viagra and the best kept secret ever. They come in different colors and one size fits all, yep, ALL....thats how stretchy they are, yet stay firmly in place at the base of the penis. He will feel like a new man and keep coming back for more with that renewed sparkle in his eyes. Trust me on this one, I know from experience. You and your hubby's face will light up like Christmas trees and he will think his penis belongs to someone else the transformation is that effective.

Since there are probably no 65 year old men with ED visiting this forum, you will likely never be told of these little devices, and sadly most men with that problem dont even know they exist... so I thought I would pass this information along for your consideration. A man that age will not research anything regarding this kind of thing, which makes it unfortunate...and a woman who has to labor so hard to keep her husbands erection from going south is not having any fun.

If you want more info on ordering a couple of these I can get that for you. I got one for one of my friends who would not be caught dead at one of these parties, and she "presented" it to her husband who is 70 years old and cannot take Viagra or Cialas. She left it on the bathroom counter top with the jell, said nothing, and waited to see if he would get curious and try it out on his own...he did. She is absolutely raving about its effectiveness and he feels like he is performing better than he did since he was in his twenties. These only cost $9 for a set of two which can last a life time.

No, I do not sell any of this stuff nor am I an affiliate for them. :^) I have three sons and am thinking of leaving each of them a set as part of their inheritance after I die lol.

Last edited by Forever; 27th July 2011 at 06:46 PM.
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Old 27th July 2011, 05:29 PM   #657
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Sounds good forever. I had heard of them, but didnt know how good they were. Lets hope that they will help forevers husband, that would be GREAT.
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Old 27th July 2011, 05:56 PM   #658
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

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baroness
he DEFINATELY wouldnt be doing it in the front room where you are likely to walk in
Yes MOTHER xx
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Old 27th July 2011, 07:26 PM   #659
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I agree with everyone. Forever, you may have a point about him not wanting to do it in the front room where he knows I will walk in and I walked in before and accused him of it some time ago so he would be kind of stupid but I am not ruling out the fact that that is what he's doing. I just know he kind of jerks when I open the door and surprise him but he told me once the door scared him cause it makes a noise when it opens,

However, I do believe he is doing this and this morning and read the bible and prayed and when he came in I couldn't attack him no matter how upset I was last night. I prayed for him this morning but that doesn't mean that I am okay with this. I don't think he expects me to walk in but he has to know that I know what's really going on. Or he isn't doing what I think but I know him pretty well and I can't take the easy way out.

I do think he is trying to see if he can get in a state for sex but I don't think he wants a repeat performance of times before. Whatever the case; it is not easy for me but I can't be angry when we're getting along so well. Of course last night I felt differently, I was hurt and felt like a fool for him treating me like this.

1aokgal, you are right as well but I already had that talk with him like you suggested and of course he denied it and said we would have sex again and it could be that he truly believes we will. Sleeping apart was a mutual decision in a way. It started long ago when he was snoring as I told you and he would get upset when he would find me on the sofa and so he would sleep out there.

After menopause I started not sleeping the whole night, but would get up about 3 times and I still do this and so it was convenient to sleep alone and it was easier to sleep alone since he was there beside me and it was very frustrating. He does still sleep with me once in awhile and its been okay because i've been tired but I still wake the next morning and think what a waste it is and I tell him he passed out on me.

Not long ago I brought up the subject again and he has the same excuses, I'm at the computer but this isn't true. Many times I go to sleep before he does and he can see that the light is out so that excuse does not hold up. I have told him I miss us being together and he knows how I feel, he just decides there isn't anything he can do about it so he doesn't try.

I have not lost objective as to how my life is going with my faith in God and making my hats. Last night after posting I refused to dwell on this and be angry. I asked God to help me and I was pretty upset last night as you might have guessed, but I trained my mind to not dwell on it and it wasn't easy. Since I don't plan on leaving him over this I know I have to deal with it, but as I said I'm not the type of woman to accept defeat in this area.

Forever, thanks for your advice but he would never put anything like that on his you know what because that would mean he would be admitting there is a problem and he's old school and would never consider something like that because that would make him feel like less of a man. He just isn't that type of man so that won't work.

You all had good advice and for the record I don't think he does this all the time but I think his sex drive is still there but we have a pattern of when we make love and it is always at night after he has a shower, and usually after we have sat together and listened to music or he's had a couple of beers.

His body could be showing the results of many years drinking in bars with his buddies, it could also be his age and he's slowing down. I resent it because if he does have the sexual drive then why not do it with me instead of by himself? But after our recent talking about it the other day there can be no doubt that he knows that I think he's m.

He says he's scratching but I let him know I thought it was more than that and whether he will admit it or not, he knows that this is what I think. But I am not going to let this put me in a depressing mood and revert back to the way I was resenting him and accepting all the anger I was living with. I was miserable and I read something out of that book my mother gave me and it was talking about marriage and said if we are angry about something with our spouse it was our choice to be unhappy.

There might be a slight chance that he wasn't doing that but I don't really think so and it is still unfair to me, no matter how you look at it. But I have decided to concentrate on my own life and not dwell on what I don't have with him. What I do have is a faithful and kind man and he's having a problem which he refuses to get help for.

I can't force him to get pills or anything else but I refuse to listen to his stupid excuses anymore. I'm going to tell him next time, 'Can't you come up with something better than that? It's time for a new line." He has the attitude that our sex life is not over, he's just tired or whatever and I do believe his years of drinking has something to do with it and his age.

But if he can sit in there and do that then he can come in here and give it a try. I never got him the vitamins I was going to and so I can still do that because he needs vitamins anyway. I'm not happy about this but I can't make him feel bad by constantly talking about it. However; it isn't only his feelings he should be concerned with and I will tell him that.

I'm going to let him know that I feel he's being unfair to me and that I will no longer tolerate his lame excuses because I've heard it all before and for a long time. He just isn't putting any effort into this and that upsets me because I feel he's treating me badly in this area. I feel like something is missing from my life now because it is.

However; i'm not dwelling on it, I no longer want all my thoughts on this subject. I have something else to think about now, something in my life that interests me. My hat making, my novels, and my life with my friends and I am not going to always think of him first, because he certainly doesn't always think of me first.

I'm tired of being this perfect little wife whose main goal is to put his needs before mine because I want to make him happy. I have my own happiness to think about and there is no sin in thinking about yourself. I have this loving and caring nature and sometimes I get carried away trying to show him what a great woman I am and how much I love him.

I don't have to show him that, he should already know it and I have to stop thinking this is my fault, that I'm doing something wrong. I think he's lucky to have a woman who would stand by him and put up with this because this isn't what our relationship was like for many years. I am not going to let him take advantage of me just because he knows I'm a kind and patient woman.

This doesn't mean that I don't love him, it just means that I've thought of his needs long enough, now I have to be happy in my own life and not expect a man to make me happy because its never going to happen. God is the one who brings us happiness and I'm not letting this interfere with my close walk with God and get me discouraged in the least. I think he is an idiot for not trying to be with me.

He always liked the foreplay the best and now he is denying himself and I can't think this can be satisfying for him. I have done self gratification myself before and it isn't the same as being with him, it was more of a need or release and kind of a payback at the time.

I am going to be fine with or without sex with him, and with or without him at all. I don't need him to be happy, my happiness comes from within and yes, I get upset with him from time to time but its mainly because I feel he is wasting our life together and that we could be so much more as a couple.

I also get upset because I still have these needs and I am only 55 and that's too young to not have sex with my man. However; we will see how it goes. I have to deal with whats in front of me and my situation is different from all of your situations, however, I take great comfort in your advice and you have all helped me rise above this and be true to myself and also God.

Its easier to deal with when I seek God for help and he has strengthened me but I don't think God is pleased with this either. I think God is trying to teach me something in all this but it can't be patience because I have been very patient. Maybe he's trying to tell me that I shouldn't base all of my happiness on another person.

However; I do think he is a good man and I'm proud of him in many ways and tell him so, but I also think he is foolish to limit our relationship like this without at least trying. Its really a waste when we could be so much closer, but I guess every couple has their problems and I'm just thankful it isn't another woman because that would be a completely different story.

Thank you all again, you have been a great comfort to me and it helps to see your different opinions and trust me; I do take your advice.

Last edited by Baroness; 27th July 2011 at 07:39 PM. Reason: misspelling
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Old 28th July 2011, 01:53 AM   #660
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

To Forever...

So fine your kind, smart technical advice, Dr. Ruth. I read about these devices. A fine idea indeed for sharing what you know. Accolades for you!
It is a problem in this sense that the man has to want to make things better. When there is pleasure for him with MB, and none for her, and he is tuned out...Oh, it is so deeply sad. I got my husband to the Dr. years ago. He was given a prescription for Viagara. Those miracle pills made it home to the cabinet. There they stayed for years...until I dumped them.

I would suggest to Baroness, that she not ask him. Just go buy this device that Forever talks about here. Put those right out there and make it easy for him so he knows what she desires. The choice is his.

I would say I know this subject too well. It is painful to love another passionately and want the best for him, more than yourself. When he is your own treasure and holding his hand brings pleasure, like it did from the beginning as it does so much to me. When the years pass and you are glad he is in the room and admire his good mind and kind heart..you always feel he will open his eyes one day and really see how he cheated both of you to lovely sweet days. Passion never ages, for it mellows, and one can love so deep it can steal the breath away.

It is impossible to hate, though anger nearly consumed me at times. The years passed. I just could not bring myself to buy those silly flowery loving cards anymore with sweet sayings and humor for special days. It was impossible for me with bitterness, like bile, for what was lost. I am the widow of the man who filled everything for me for years, yet he lives. If you could read his letters you might wonder what kind of woman inspired that much devotion? He is always careful of my comfort and lovingly lets me pass ahead of him through the door. Dinners, he butters my bread and pulls out the chair for me. He asks, "What would you prefer to do?" He is quite all I might ask of him.

Then, he is the secret that can never be opened! He kisses me before he goes to his room at night. Not with passion, but like the breath of a butterfly softly and kind of sweet. It is useless for me to share a bed beside a man who is only slightly aware I am there. That is far too much for me to bear. Self loathing would have be overwhelming for me to lie there and wonder why I fail him as a woman.

I would say, "If I were this.....if i were that." Who knows what abuse I might heap upon my heart, so overwhelmed it is, at times.

No, his is younger and not infirm but strong in frame and sound in mind. He pleases me to look at him. There is that enigma, always quiet, between us. It is the unspoken that is there....ever there, are scenes of others who love as in a movie scene. I wonder, "Who is this man and where did my man go?" He looks the same, but there is empty there. He looks away, preoccupied, remote. We don't discuss all the years as the seasons have passed, yet I am alone while with him.

If I had not faith, I would have ended me. If I had not children grown, who still need me, I would have crawled away like a wounded animal.

Baroness, it takes all ones' strength to keep a level temperament and not fold into depression and grief. There are worse things that happen in life!. I never lost his love he tells me. I just lost all the dreams that made living worthwhile. That seems blasphemous to say life is not worthwhile for loss of another. So huge is my loss!

Painting for me is more than canvas and brush. It is the prayer that guides my hand to better. The peace of it keeps me set to a path that doesn't despair. That coming onto canvas gladdens my heart and makes me pretend that all is right. Yet the truth is, I can never again be made whole. I am unfinished like a cake, never baked or a pot, unfilled. There was a loss of purpose in who I was, and who I am. I am quite undone, as a rain barrel that stands to wonder, "What do I here and what purpose is there?" I wonder at times who I really am. I forgot, as if I never knew it, what path was set years ago for me. I've lost my way alone. If I could give the pain away I would hand it over gladly to unburden, so sad am I.

Yet, it is quite a marvel to love someone and know you live for all that feeling inside. I knew once what it was to be truly alone. We always think no one can care and then there is that special one. He has been a blessing ..the best to know I share a space, however small, with him. He is a fine companion and fun in his spirit.

He especially did give the greatest moments when he worked to mold my young daughter into the fine intelligent, caring woman today, because of his input. He shared his interest in science, mathematics, geography, engineering and technical subjects. She is quite the wonder and the finest woman because of him. Because he loved, she is all that could be. What wonder was begun those many years ago in her!
So everything was well done between us and her.

Baroness, If you can love and not grow bitter with the time, and never grow distant, but laugh with him as you can. You will have moments that are dear and precious. Don't think of what you lost, but what you gained. Never fail to give encouragement or offer him a friend that you can be. Always keep the door open.

God loves constancy in love and loyalty. Your man may be there one day as he was, as you wish him to be. I still believe it. I believed it today as yesterday. Bigger miracles happen every day, than that a man can love a woman as it was meant to be, and as it was!

I wish you all that and more.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 28th July 2011 at 08:18 AM.
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