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Old 5th April 2011, 02:27 PM   #1
Hunnymunster
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Cool Help

Hi! This is my first time on any site,but I am really at my wits end.
Briefly, 3 years ago I found put my husband had been on his annual Isle of man Tt week away but this time he went with another couple and a women he had met a fewonths before who I didn't know.
Obviously he kept this quiet until I found two ferry tickets in his bike jacket. He swore they were all friends and they decided to go as a group, the women went on the back of my husbands bike and the other couple went in their car.
He insists they were all good friends , though I suspected the women was a bit more, the others were her friends. I hadn't enough evidence to do anything about it , do in turmoil I carried on ad a couple, we separated a few times fir short periods nut he alwYs said I had got the wrong idea and they were just friends. I even belittled myself and got in touch with the other women and she said word by word the same answers.
Nearly 3 years on, I stumbled on an open website to do with the TT and low and behold my husband had posted comments about his trip there with his "girlfriend" and describes their time together and also fomented on another bike weekend he had taken her on!
I have the confermation and frAnkly I feel sick and hate to be near him or look at him, he lied in so many ways leading me to belive I was the one with s problem and making things up in my mind!
I can't forgive him, he has no idea at the moment what I have found out.
Also before I found this out I agreed to go to the TT this year, but by Reading his posts u see he us taking me to stay at the exact same place he took her!
I feel so stupid, not to have followed my instincts 3 years ago, I look like a mug too.
Is it too late to confront him, ?
Hunnymunster
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Old 5th April 2011, 03:21 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: Help

No it isnt too late. He has lied, decieved and probably cheated, and needs to be confronted. You need to hear the truth. Even if they were just friends (which is unlikely) why did he not tell you?) A married man going away for weekend with another women isnt usually innocent. You need to know where you are, but he may carry on denying it all so you will need to be firm and persistant.
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Old 5th April 2011, 06:17 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Help

Obviously something was going on. Two trips to the TT?

I agree with Chosen. Although it is a long time ago it is on your mind as it actually happened. There is the element of trust that has been affected. You were hoodwinked however long ago it was.

Yes I do think you ought to confront it and clear the air. It will be a warning to him not to play around if nothing else and if you start actually being a bit off he needs to know why.
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Old 6th April 2011, 11:27 AM   #4
Hunnymunster
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Re: Help

Thankyou for replying I didn't think anyone would, since I am one of many in the same situation.
I have been so confused over the whole issue that I can't think for myself any more, and I was begining to feel I was just feeling sorry for myself and wollowing in self pity. Thing is I am frozen as to what to do, I font know what we accept and work on or what we walk away from anymore!?
He,s a quiet gentle man, where still waters run deep and if ever I was to tell people what he did they wouldn't belive me because he seems so shy and nice, yet underneath he lives his own life.
The posts he had written on a web siteabpit his relationship where also written at the time he was denying the affair, yet he was chatting about his girlfriend as though he wasn't maried and fighting to stay with me. Even now he strongly denies any relationship and asks me to leave it alone as it was years ago!
Thankyou for your replies
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Old 6th April 2011, 12:54 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: Help

Hi Hunnymunster. Most things you work on, regarding your relationship. Unfaithfulness is a different category. I can understand how that you are feeling confused. It is quite serious to go with another woman if you are married. We don't know how far it went but you are still feeling the ripples today because of the nature of it. That is very understandable.

I don't know how he can deny it now that you have proof. Have you told him you definitely know? What one hopes for is the restoration of the marriage. It is hard to turn a blind eye when someone has been unfaithful. If he could admit it and be sorry about it there will be hope for an improvement in your marriage. If he sweeps it under the carpet it can have a bad affect on the trust you have for him. He needs to come clean.

Do you think you have the courage to bring it up and quote your proof? I think this is quite serious although it was over three years ago. To fob it off because it was a long time ago is irrelevant. It is affecting your relationship now and needs to be dealt with.

Do you think you have the courage to leave him if you had to? That is a big question. If you did have the courage you would have more clout in getting him to face up to his unfaithfulness. At the moment you sound as if you could be a doormat if you are not careful.
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Old 6th April 2011, 02:15 PM   #6
Hunnymunster
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Re: Help

Hi Raymond, you seem very wise and worldly and a patient person with understanding of people.
You struck a nerve in many ways and I find my self sitting on the floor replying to you!
Courage I don't have at all at the moment and I haven't faced him with the new information either, obviously I am scared of all the repercussions that would open up to me and secondly I can see I am a coward!
Denial as well I guess and guilty as I feel it's my fault I didn't deal with it properly in the first place . At the time I felt I knew they had a full blown affair and stupidly I approached her ad well. She totally denied it and said they were friends and that was all. She made out I was being unreasonable . My husband was similar and I could tell at the time he was preoccupied and I guessed he was considering what to do with his life. We discussed it many times but I always dealt with it like the nagging wife and ended up looking stupid .

The thing is this wasn't the first time . 6 years ago he came home drunk after a beer festival and even though he couldn't stand up he still managed to switch his mobile onto lock which I thought was odd. The next day I asked him why he remembered to turn it off yet didn't know where he was? He said a female from work text him and he didn't want me to get upset.
A week or so later I found an email on our p c he had sent to a random advert on the Internet.
He gave his name and description and said he could meet up any where any time ect and this was the start of alot of turmoil . His excuse was he was drunk and didn't realise what he was doing, obviously I didn't buy it but I acted as though all was ok,.
Things were touch and go and I left twice but only for a few days, bit inbetween I found out he was seeing another women he had met on the Internet on a dating site. At the time he said I had left him and that's how they had met. Afterwards I later found on our bankstatement he met her when we were together,by then we had been together and all seemed ok so I left it.
It was 3 years later this June I found put he had taken a friend with him on holiday with another couple. What really hurts me more is that he seemed to live another life, meeting her friends as though they were a couple and sharing holidays with them ,while I took the time off work so he could go! And then to read recently that he had posted comments about his girlfriend as though he hadn't got a family, I find that disturbing.
He can be so nice and smiley and do anything for anyone that the two doesn't add up.
He lies about debts he builds up, he pays of one with a loan and has secret credit cards. It's like I am married to a stranger because as a rule we laugh and joke, I am easy going, hardworking, I support everything he does and we are really good friends. Sometimes I don't know what's teal and what's not cus he is such a good bloke .
The evidence I found I want to confront him with but I sm scared, because deep down as much as I love him, I know I can't stay married to him anymore.
After the affair 6 years ago, I took the blame and I put everything into my marriage, he was my best friend, my everything and I still wasn't enough and he still has to lie to me.
I just am scared of a life without him but I am equally scared of a life with him!
I am a pathetic case for a female

Last edited by Hunnymunster; 6th April 2011 at 04:13 PM.
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Old 6th April 2011, 02:22 PM   #7
Helen_uk
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Re: Help

Hunnymunster .

You're not pathetic at all . What you've discovered may have happened some time ago but it's new for you and difficult to deal with.

Secretive behaviour in a relationship is never a good thing and to me blaming behaviours on being drunk is not an excuse.

I can fully understand how you're feeling at the moment and I think maybe you need sometime to think things through before confronting him.... Give yourself the time to make some plans for your own future .

It's a shock to discover the man you love is capable of lying and cheating and I know it also feels like it makes a mockery of your whole marriage. It takes a while for it all to sink in. It feels like a catch 22 situation and you can't see yourself surviving either way .

You can do it though , the decision comes when you know you can't put up with it any longer and the relief comes when you no longer have to.

I'm sorry to say it but this man won't change while he's allowed to get away with the things he's doing. Sounds to me like he is living 2 lives and doing his utmost to keep one of them secret .

You have to start to realize you deserve better than that , not easy when your self esteem has taken such a blow. Try not to feel guilty , nobody deserves to be lied to or cheated on. Blaming ourselves is common but at the end of the day he acted of his own free will and then lied about it . That isn't your fault.
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Old 6th April 2011, 02:38 PM   #8
Hunnymunster
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Re: Help

Thanks Helen.
Catch 22, too true!
Since I read the posts he made I have been trying to reorganise my life, even getting him to show me how to do things I'd normaly delegate.
I am trying to get the strength and courage to face my husband and start again. Having previously been a widow with three young boys at the time I guess I feel a stigma to have lost two marriages.
As much as I love my husband , warts and all, I can't carry on forgiving him or putting on the smile that I am ok.
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Old 6th April 2011, 02:55 PM   #9
Helen_uk
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Re: Help

Hunny, being a widow isn't losing a marriage . And losing a cheating husband has no stigma attached....

The thing is , by doing nothing and putting up with it what you're really doing is enabling his behaviour .

He's also forcing you to live a lie by pretending everything is rosy.

I know how difficult it is to reach a decision about ending a relationship. I put up with my ex and his lies for 3 or more years because I loved him .... in reality what I loved was the person I had first thought he was.... It does take courage to stand up and say you're not putting up with this any longer, and it's soul destroying to live with a cheat and a liar.

Had he admitted what he'd done and shown any remorse , or an inclination to put things right then there would be hope. As it stands though I think you are going to have to make some tough choices.
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Old 6th April 2011, 04:21 PM   #10
Hunnymunster
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Re: Help

All this has changed me as a person, I am also begining to feel I can't blame him and maybe I am unreasonable to live with!
Most people I know have suufered infidelities in marriage, some stay, some go !
How do you know which way to choose without regrets and what should and shouldn't we accept in marriage. Some people work at it others easily give up and we are all different,.
When do we give up and when do we fight and when do we know it's time to walk away?
How do we gain the confidence to live on without the person we love and most of all , why do I feel guilty at having to decide what I should do?
He has the affairs and lies and cheats, his family and friends feel sorry for him!
I decide to end the marriage as I can't trust him, and I sm the marriage wrecker and acting unreasonably!
I am so confused!
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Old 6th April 2011, 04:24 PM   #11
Hunnymunster
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Re: Help

What you say is so true , soul destroying is exactly how you feel when the person you think the world of chooses to stray and lie.
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Old 6th April 2011, 04:48 PM   #12
Helen_uk
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Re: Help

It's true that some marriages do survive infidelity , but normally when the one doing the cheating is remorseful and willing to work on rebuilding trust....

Repeat cheaters and those who lie or refuse to admit what they've done, don't normally have a good track record for long and happy marriages .

A marriage is worth fighting for if things can change I think. If trust can be rebuilt with honest , open behaviour. If your H was willing to do that , admit what he's done and then spend some time helping you to regain trust then yes it's worth working on. If he isn't ( and especially bearing in mind it isn't his first time ) then are you going to be truly happy if you're always wondering ? This I think is what you have to ask yourself.

Try not to let it matter what other people think , especially his friends and family ( who are bound to be biased ) , nobody but you and he know what goes on in your marriage.

It's your decision in the end , only you know what you can live with. From my own experience as I said it took some years to finally make the decision to end things and during that time I was mostly confused , hurt and totally bewildered by it all. And scared of being alone.

But my life is so much improved now I almost feel as if that were a different person back then. I no longer have to worry about what he's doing / who he's with . Peace of mind is a very valuable commodity I've found.
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Old 6th April 2011, 08:33 PM   #13
Raymond
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Re: Help

Hi. I agree with what Helen says and the sensitive way she says it.

Please do not feel any pressure to make any decision Hunny. That can only come from you. Everyone is different.

What is apparent in your marriage is that it is haemorrhaging because of affairs and unfaithfulness. That is bound to rock things in the most intimate part of your life, your marriage. His bringing into that intimate relationship others, even just in porn, will affect the sanctity and happiness of your marriage. I expect you know that anyway by now.

To me there are two choices (that terrible word). One is that you say nothing and act as if everything is okay as he wants you to. He can have more affairs when he likes and you get robbed of the real intimacy and trust that should be part of marriage. You carry on like this perhaps forever hoping that one day he might just stop and realise what a terrible husband he has been.

The other choice is confront (another terrible word). This is the one you said you were not up to. I am not talking about nagging just facing him with the truth and letting him know you know. Even that is quite powerful on it's own. This is something to think about when you are up to it. Something to aim for. Without that isn't it just like living a lie? This at least means you can be yourself and he can't pull the wool over your eyes. If you do not confront any of this behaviour couldn't you be enabling it?

You have nothing to feel guilty for Hunny. He is the guilty one who has broken his vows and is being unfaithful. If you did get rid of him, and I am not saying you have to, why would you be a marriage wrecker? Isn't his behaviour having the affect of wrecking the marriage? Of course it is. It is a terrible thing to do. Those who live with it have been robbed of something very precious. Where there is repentance and a change around that is something different, but this deceit about it damages the marriage right at it's intimate centre.
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Old 8th April 2011, 01:20 PM   #14
Hunnymunster
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Re: Help

Hi !
There was slot to take in and slot of sense too!
I found out yesterday he had recently been on a dating site last month stating he was currently separated. I am not sure if this was spite or a genuine interest as I did see the history on our p c a while back and he said it was junk mail he wasvresponfing to. I managed to find a way to check this put and he had made contact with a few women but only by sending a questionaire by email at the moment.
Seems I have a lot to consider , though all thus is too much as at the moment he iscyreating me like a princess as though I mean everything to him, which is usually his way and we tend to get on well and have a laugh. Obviously he want more attention, but surely in a marriage we should shareour bad feelings to help each other? Without communication how can we sort this out?
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Old 8th April 2011, 01:34 PM   #15
chosen
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Re: Help

The fact that he has been on a dating site only last month, saying that he is seperated, shows that things need dealing with Hunny munster. I would be MAD if my husband did that, without all the other things he has done.
As you find this so hard, how about composing a letter to him, writing down all your feelings and suspicions and the things that you have found about. Then the ball is in his court, but if your marriage is to survive then there needs to be complete honesty and openess and he will need to come clean and repent and promise to be 100% faithful to you. You will also need to decide what you will do if he confesses to affairs.
You are not the marriage wrecker, he is. He has broken his promises to you to be faithful.
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