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Old 5th September 2011, 08:25 PM   #91
Forever
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Re: Married and lonely

I had a twenty year marriage in California. I was legally "entitled" to spousal support until I remarried or cohabitated... and then half his retirement when he retired. I could have stayed in the home, because spousal support and child support would have covered the morgage payment. I chose to take non of the above.

Child support for two was $1400 a month, set by me, and based on what I knew I would need...not based on what I was entitled to...and that is what the children and I lived off of until I remarried....my ex was a cop but made about $48,000 a year at the time of divorce (twenty years ago). I am sure my ex was thrilled at my choices.

Things have changed since then, but it is unheard of that child support of $150 is that low unless the mother is making much much more than her ex husband...all income is factored in as well as percentage of time spent with each parent.
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Old 5th September 2011, 09:17 PM   #92
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Re: Married and lonely

Forever that what I thought. A policemans pay is pretty good compared to many others. I would have thought that a figure of about $500 a month for each child was reasonable.My ex husband earnt far less than a cop and he payed 400(which I think is about $500) a month for her maintenance.
$1400 a month that you got was pretty good especially for 20 years ago. I lived on less than that between 6 and 12 years ago for 4 of us(2 teenagers and a very young adult and myself). That included maintenance and earnings.
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Old 5th September 2011, 09:33 PM   #93
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Re: Married and lonely

In the US it is normal the home is sold and proceeds divided as marital assets in community property states. If the parties agree, one can maintain the home to live and make payments there. They must get an approved home equity loan to pay out to the other party his half. The mortgage company has to approve the plan based on the income of party to assume the loan. Otherwise the home is sold and divided.

Things have indeed changed in 20 years! Women who never worked then, with 20 years of marriage got maintenance. They don't now. There is after 10 years of marriage possible today, some amount due her under a his police pension as well as SS benfits. This depends on his number of years employed, base pay and state of residence.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 5th September 2011 at 10:17 PM.
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Old 5th September 2011, 09:37 PM   #94
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Re: Married and lonely

Yes it was pretty good, it amounted to about 1/3 of his income (I had none)...he did well too. There were actually four children I had to take care of at the time, but two of them were older and did not qualify. He did not have to pay the spousal support because I turned it down, did not have to share his retirement, I turned that down too, and he kept the house (I Quit Claimed it to him)....who knows what equity was there... I never took him back to Court for anything....just calculated what I needed and never looked back.

He paid this amount for 19 years regardless of my being remarried later because our youngest was one yrs. old when he left and was held back in third grade. The Courts (at that time) did not consider a new spouse's income as counting against the Child Support payment amount....I do not know how they work that now.
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Old 5th September 2011, 10:35 PM   #95
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Re: Married and lonely

If one lives in the US they can go online and the states child support guidelines are there. They determine the adjusted gross income of both parents today. Child support now is a piddling little amount that women get for children. It is not for nothing the new poor are women with children.

Years ago my best friend got alimony of over $1,200 month. He kept the 3 kids to raise. She got half their lavish house, plus part of his pension later. She had been a homemaker. She got work after the divorce that was average and she never had to pay support to her husband. She got the payments for 15 years.

Today a wife might get 6 months maintenance to allow for job training. When she works she would pay him child support based on state guidelines and both their adjusted incomes.
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Old 5th September 2011, 10:56 PM   #96
chosen
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Re: Married and lonely

Here the child support agency works out how much the absent parent pays going by their income and how many children there are. Some couples agree between themsleves but the husband can expect to pay a decent fair amount considering the cost of bringing up children. An amount of $150 dolars from a man on a policemans salary is extreemly low(in fact appalling) and I am sure that she would get more than that if it came to them divorcing. If she lives in the UK it will be far far more than that.
In the USA I expect it varies from state to state like most things seem to do.
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Old 6th September 2011, 12:16 AM   #97
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Re: Married and lonely

Child support is different state by state and there is a chart by income. The support today is figured on Adjusted Gross Income. If a woman is in the US wants to determine what she is entitled to in a divorce she should consult an attorney. She needs the last year tax return showing joint income with AGI. That determines child support.

It is also true that often a man wants the best for his family and disregards these charts. He will support them above the legal required. Thats' why even when a marriage is unravelling, they got into it together, and can work toward both remaining in good shape. The children benefit from parents who can cooperate and make the future better for both.

I think close relatives also show amazing support in most cases by helping the couple with children through a difficult time.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 6th September 2011 at 05:29 AM.
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Old 6th September 2011, 06:28 AM   #98
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Re: Married and lonely

yes if they have close relatives. Sadly I didnt, as both of my parents died quite young(one in 50's and one in 60's). They would have helped me if they had been around.
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Old 6th September 2011, 08:57 PM   #99
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Re: Married and lonely

Sasha, like you I don't nag my h either and ours is a peaceful home and last night he slept with me. It's been a long time and I say this so you will see there is hope. My h sleeps on the sofa most nights and I don't mind this since there has been no sexual relationship between us. I believe it is ed and also believe their is m involved.

It's a first step at least and one I wasn't really expecting. He told me he loved me and we just had a nice evening listening to music and talking which hasn't happened in awhile. I don't pressure him to admit anything and I think it's wise of you to try and keep a peaceful home for you and your son's sake. Nothing can be gained by arguing but sometimes you get so frustrated you just have to speak your mind.

My belief is that you are doing the best you can under the circumstances and I see nothing wrong with you staying there even if you decide it isn't going to work. After all, he's the one who broke the contract of the marriage by basically looking at other women and getting satisfaction that way. It isn't anything you've done and I think he owes you for having to put up with this.

I have a similar situation where I can't leave just yet until I get myself financially secure and that isn't easy with the economy right now. Your h came into this marriage of his own free will and it isn't right that he changed the rules and just expected you to deal with it. You are entitled to certain compensation and I don't think there's anything wrong with staying in the home until you can support yourself and your son.

However; things could improve because God is a mighty God and can do anything. I try to believe that myself but I get frustrated as you do and think it's unfair, and it is. I do not take your husband's side in this at all because no one is forcing him to look at naked women and neglect you. As for him trying in the marriage, I see from what you've said, sporadic attempts at best.

Even though this is happening to you and I and others, hatred does not enter into it because God doesn't want us to hate anyone even though they have hurt us and abused us mentally. I think its good that you have a part time job so you can be there for your son, and I don't believe that you don't want a full time job or that you are incapable of having one.

I believe you are doing your share in your home but he isn't doing his share as far as your personal relationship goes. I know what I'm talking about because its the same for me. My h takes care of the rent and one bill and I take care of the food and one bill but I am also starting a hat design business so hopefully things will improve for me.

I also go on interviews but as I have said, things are not easy in the economy right now so all we can do is our best. I can't in all honesty tell you to stay with your husband just because he pays the bills and because you are a christian. Even though he may not go out and sleep with someone else, I still believe it is cheating because he is having a sexual relationship with these plastic women he watches.

That also applies to my h if he is m. Of course ed is not his fault so I see no reason to take it out on him but he could have been more forthcoming so I didn't have to wonder about him having an affair. Some people may say that you are fortunate because at least he's staying home and doing it instead of getting it outside the home.

I do not agree with that. Cheating is cheating whether it be m or porn because the bottom line is he isn't doing it with you but getting satisfaction from another source. This is a very hard thing for a woman to deal with who loves her husband and suddenly she isn't getting what she needs.

I personally do think my h is an idiot for giving up the great sex life we had and for not at least trying. When intimacy stops between a couple something is taken away from the relationship. When I say I feel like i'm living with a roommate, that is exactly the way I feel. We are nice to each other and we don't argue all the time and co-exist well together.

Fortunately my h told me last night that he loves me and will always love me and he did sleep with me last night but I am very certain that tonight he will sleep on the sofa again. All I asked him for was for us to have a little intimacy every once in awhile, I wasn't asking for him to make love to me every night and he can't even do that.

But he did sleep with me last night. There was a little intimacy but no actual sex and so that part remains the same but at least he did try and we had a good night together. If you have read the other post I post on you will know that when I posted I was ready to leave him because I was upset and frustrated and indignant that he would do this to me.

I got help on that thread because I saw that other women were going through things of that nature with their h also. No all of them were going through the exact same thing but it helped to get advice from other christian women. Some times it was hard to accept what they were saying but I eventually did and so now I am not angry all the time and unhappy.

I found a creative outlet to help me with that and since I started focusing on other things in my life it was much better, especially when I grew closer to God, which I think is what he wanted. I have always been a strong woman, able to deal with adversity and handle it. This was something I had trouble with because if affected me as a woman.

I understand how you must feel but you shouldn't feel bad about any emotion that you have because you are entitled. We are the victim here, not the man. I don't mean we have to be victims and we can rise above it and take control of our lives, what I mean is that your h is at fault here, not you, and I'm sorry I can't feel any remorse for him, no matter how many times he does make an effort.

I am not an unfeeling person and I try to see both sides but in this case the evidence proves that he is deliberately cutting you out of any physical relationship with him. In my case, I have decided to stay here and pray for something to change because I've known this man for nine years and we used to be very happy and have a good sex life.

And if it is just the ed I can't turn my back on him because he's nine years older than me and is suffering from this condition. I personally feel that these men, whatever their problems, could still make an effort where we are concerned. If not physically, then at least have the decency to tell us why this is happening and make an effort to make us feel loved.

You are waiting for God's direction and this is all you can do at this point. We don't want to just make a move and it not be what God wants. I don't know about other christians, but for me I believe that God has a plan for my life and I don't want to step out of his will because I've done so before and it isn't a good thing.

I also believe God can direct you on what to do and how to deal with it, and it isn't up to anyone else to tell you what God is trying to do in your life. This is between you and God and no one has the right to advise you on what to do. I am only giving you my opinion from my experiences and because there are similarities between us.

No matter what happens, you will survive and make it through because you have God helping you. Some days I just want to strangle my husband and then other days I feel an overwhelming love for him. The love has changed somewhat because of whats going on but is still there. If it wasn't, I would leave or ask him to.

It's very odd, because I have always left the man when things didn't work out, I was never left. This has to do with a lot of things I won't go into here but now I find myself staying when I really want to leave sometimes because it isn't fair but who said life was fair? The age difference between us never mattered before but now it does.

I tell you all this, Sasha, so you can see that I can relate to what you are going through, at least in part. I walked into the front room one night about a year ago and he had on cable porn where a naked woman was having sex with a naked man and I came unglued. I said how could he do this to me when I was right in the next room.

He denied it and it has never happened again and the next day he tried to tell me that he was just switching channels. I caught him m while it was on and he also denied that. He said I didn't see what I thought I saw, I misunderstood and that is bull. I know what I saw but like I say, he never did it again and I remember the hurt that washed over me at that moment.

So I do understand how you must feel at times and it is up to you whether you feel you can handle this or not. Personally, if my h was doing this all the time and didn't care if I knew it, I would be out the door no matter what my financial situation was. But I have high standards for myself and so there are just some things I won't live with.

I don't know if I will stay in this m or not but for now I'm just trusting God and doing the best I can. I think you are very brave and are handling this very well and try not to get discouraged because God has his hand on your life and one day it will be very clear why all this happened and what God was trying to show you.

Last edited by Baroness; 6th September 2011 at 09:11 PM.
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Old 9th September 2011, 05:35 AM   #100
Shasha
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Re: Married and lonely

These are very interesting discussions, indeed. Thanks Baroness for sharing. I live in the UK, but can still identify with a lot of what you guys have been saying.
At the moment, I am very busy with my son as he has started school on Monday. Then there is my course starting next week, as well, on top of all kinds of domestic matters, house chores, errands, etc.
Sorry, I cannot take part in discussions fully, as my time will be very limited.
All the best with your future topics.
God bless.
Shasha
__________________
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son,
That whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

"For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world,
But that the world through Him
might be saved." JN 3:16,17

Grace be with you all.
God bless!
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Old 15th September 2011, 06:53 PM   #101
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Re: Married and lonely

I hope you are doing okay, sasha. Thing in my household have definitely improved. We are more affectionate towards each other and smile a lot even though nothing has changed sexually between us but I find that as long as he at least hugs me and kisses me once in awhile and talks to me, I'm okay with things for now.

It did concern me that in Oct. it will be a year since we have sex and I think I will mention that to him but as long as things are going this well I see no need to constantly talk about it. If he feels comfortable he may attempt to make love to me, if this goes on further than a year I don't know what I will do because I am not willing to spend the rest of my life never having sex again.

I think he still has a sex drive but is afraid of failure. I hope that my postings have helped you in some way, maybe to let you know you are not alone. I am just trusting God to show me the way and to work with my h. I do see a difference and I do trust God and I have stopped focusing so much on him and more on my relationship with God.
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Old 16th September 2011, 04:01 PM   #102
Shasha
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Re: Married and lonely

Baroness, I am happy that things are taking a turn for the better with your husband. I guess some men just need time to get themselves together. I am observing how my h is behaving with me on a daily basis. He has his moments when he will talk, but other times he just sticks to himself. The relationship is still the same, but as you say, I too am just focusing on the Lord and the things I need to do to stay alive and well. Everything else, I am just leaving in the hands of the Lord.
Some things are just meant to be left alone, as we cannot change them. Only God can intervene.
Take care,
Love in Christ,
S
__________________
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son,
That whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

"For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world,
But that the world through Him
might be saved." JN 3:16,17

Grace be with you all.
God bless!
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Old 16th September 2011, 07:29 PM   #103
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Re: Married and lonely

I agree totally with what you say about some things being meant to be left alone. I get advice on what to do and say regarding my situation and some of the things I know my h would never agree to. I know him better than anyone and if I were to suggest some of the things I was told, it would only make the situation worse.

I know people are just trying to help but there comes a point where nothing we can do or say will change anything and that its all up to God. All we can do is try and deal with the situation and trust in God. I do believe there are some men that can't be reached, that they like what they are doing; whether it be m or porn and don't want to change.

I hope our h don't fit under that category but there will come a time when we have to ask ourselves; Okay, I've done everything I can, I was patient and prayed about it and he just doesn't want to give up what he's doing, so am I going to just live like this for the rest of my life?

Eventually you and I will have to think about what is healthy for us and what we can live with. Are we willing to just deal with this forever? Are we willing to not have a sexual relationship with our h forever? Especially for you since you are younger than I am. Sometimes I get tired of dealing with it but right now I'm okay.

It helps to focus on other things such as me designing hats and my devotion to God. Yes, he and I are getting along great but the fact remains that he still isn't doing what he is supposed to do, but is sweeping it under the rug because if I'm not going to say anything about it, why should he? Now, in a case where ed is involved, he can't help the way his body is but he could at least try and get help and this he will not do.

Sometimes I think I'm doing more harm by not showing him that this is a problem for me, but I can't go around being angry and mad at him because he won't do what I want him to. I do know he still has a sex drive, at least I think so, but he just doesn't respond to me. And it isn't as though I am propositioning him or coming on to him because I don't want him to do it out of obligation.

I have talked to him about it and so I have decided to just get along with him and love him and not bring this up because all I would get is excuses and I'm tired of hearing them. He says he loves me so this must be a problem he either can't help or prefers m where its safe for him. As long as he doesn't start watching porn I can live with it, but the truth is that with our cable that kind of thing doesn't come on until late after he's asleep.

There was one other time long ago when I saw that he went into the menu and chose to watch an adult movie. It didn't cost anything. With our cable we have on demand where you can chose to movie to watch right away and I saw it and asked him about it and he said he was just curious as to the title. I saw that he only had it on for about seven minutes but he never did that again.

He doesn't realize that I can go into the system and see whatever he has watched on this on demand feature. I know everything about the cable being electronically inclined and so I tend to know everything about something like that, but he is not and I had to teach him how to use the remote control.

When he saw how much it upset me he stopped that and also the adult movie I caught him watching, which is to his credit that he would care about me getting upset. There are many good qualities about him and I am still attracted to him which is why this is hard on me. But as I said, God is helping me a lot with this and I am able to just let it go most of the time.

Even though God helps us it still isn't fair to us and these men know this and chose to ignore it and do what they want and this isn't right because if we were doing something that they didn't like, wouldn't we stop doing it because we love them? I'm sure we would and I'm sure we have done this in the past.

This is not our fault, Sasha, and I want you to remember that. I don't know why its happening and I never thought I'd have this problem but all I can do is trust God but God can't force someone to do or not do things, they have to be willing to do what's right and if this hasn't changed by the time I am on my feet with a job then I will have to re evaluate the situation.

The only thing about that that bothers me is that I still love him. Yes, the love has changed but I still love him and I'm not sure I could leave him if I still loved him. Too bad God can't just send us an email or call us and tell us what to do. All I'm getting from God is to just show love. I have always shown him love and forgiven him things as he has done for me.

Like your h, mine talks to me sometimes and other times he doesn't. There have been times that I discovered that his quiet moments have nothing to do with me but he's been thinking about something else, something regarding his volunteer work, the bills, or working on the car. Remember that they don't think like us, they don't understand how we feel.

If your h was going through what you were, I'm sure he wouldn't handle it as well as you do, and the same for me. I'm sure they would be complaining about it constantly and demanding to know why it was happening. You and I are sisters in the Lord and must help each other through this, which is why I started posting in the first place.

A lot has happened in my life since I started posting. I renewed my vows to God and I'm now walking close to him and putting him first. I have changed a lot and this is no longer eating at me constantly. I wanted him to change and fix this problem and instead I have changed and am relying on God to fix the problem.

Last edited by Baroness; 16th September 2011 at 07:37 PM.
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Old 17th September 2011, 05:10 AM   #104
Shasha
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Re: Married and lonely

Baroness, like Paul mentioned in the scriptures, about having a thorn in his flesh.....well we've got a bigger thorn in the flesh to deal with. Our question is do we remove the thorn by force, do we live with it, so that it is a constant pain or do we rely on God to remove it for us?! That is the questions, isn't it? But for now, I have to live with it and try to rely on God for his guidance in dealing with it. Hopefully, one day I and I'm sure you also will get the victory!
God bless
S
__________________
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son,
That whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

"For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world,
But that the world through Him
might be saved." JN 3:16,17

Grace be with you all.
God bless!
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Old 17th September 2011, 09:35 AM   #105
Raymond
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Re: Married and lonely

I think your problems are quite different Sasha. Your husband is blatantly doing pornography which is far more serious in my mind. Of course you are both looking to God which is right and commendable, but I don't think your situation will go away unless your husband turns and repents over it. That is the real killer of your marriage and the thing that cuts right into the intimacy you should have. Of course God can work and convict him as you pray but He will never cross his freewill and one is always free to choose God's way or not. I really hope through your prayers and confrontation that it will change in your marriage. I am counseling a wife who has decided to get out of her marriage. I don't really find it in myself to say you have to stay while the husband is doing mental adultery.
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