Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > General > Marriage and society

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 30th September 2013, 07:21 PM   #16
Roses
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Y
While in some ways I sympathise with your suffering, I also feel for your wife terribly. To have a husband who really doesn't want to be with you and is only thinking of, and wanting, someone else, must be appalling. I am not sure how I would cope with that.
My sentiment exactly.

It is profoundly sad.

marriage has a huge element of obligation to my mind. Once you start spending every day with this OW, things may start to look different. It's no longer a responsibility-free affair in secrecy and it may start to lose its appeal.
  Reply With Quote
Old 13th November 2013, 09:37 PM   #17
LibraLady
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

Its not the 18th century so Its hard for me to understand a marriage out of obligation????? I pray that you have made a decision and have either been faithful to your wife or have moved on and found your happiness. No one deserves to be strung along.
  Reply With Quote
Old 21st January 2014, 03:06 PM   #18
RoadHome
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 11
Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

I appreciate everyones rawness, just a quick update. My wife has moved back in, I have been attending counseling, intensive workshop dealing with sexual addiction, and cut off the affair. While everyone seems happy and encouraged by these steps, I must be honest. I dont, I feel a overwhelming sense of grief and like I am just going right back to where I was before - fulfilling my obligation being told dont worry about your feelings/lack there of they will come... Despite how my posts have possible portrayed me, I am a very positive person. I fully acknowledge that my poor decisions and flaws have lead me here. My people pleasing and fear of hurting my wife, her family, and friend crippled me in fear and ultimate found me a the front of a chapel making a decision I knew was wrong. My internalize has kept my feelings and emotions inside, sheeping out at the seems in a small or recently big ways. I feel peace in the decision I'd like to make but overwhelming guilt , remorse, and obligation for the one I dont have any peace about.

I feel like everyone says" we dont want you to wear a mask, but we want you do stay and do everything you do like you have the mask on. Feeling: Dont call it a mask, call it make-up - the same thing".

Where if I were completely honest, the only think I find true motivation and fulfillment in is my son. Who is a blessing but is also not meant to fulfill every role in my life. That is a burden not meant for him to carry. I desire to be authetic, loving, intimate (both in communication and physically) with a life mate. My wife is a beautiful person inside and out, but I DO NOT see here in the way a husband does a wife, but more a brother in Christ sees a sister in Christ.

Can anyone hear my heart cry in this, to see that while everyone says you dont need to be this..., that my choice is exactly that.
RoadHome is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st January 2014, 05:28 PM   #19
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

WHo do you feel guilt remorse and obligation about? Are you saying that you want to leave but cant? Sorry I got a bit confused here.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd January 2014, 03:06 PM   #20
RoadHome
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 11
Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

My wife, I feel stuck. If I leave her = I’m a bad Christian and will likely not see my son (working overseas and they will be in the states). If I stay then I will have to live with the fact that my wife who loves me and I (who don’t love her) are merely doing it for my son, whose view of healthy loving marriage will be shaped by what he see through us. I grew up in a divorced home and know that he just like I struggled to understand why mommy and daddy aren’t happy even when they pretend to be, wondering if he like I thought was the issue. I am a very positive and happy person, that is how I want my son to know his father. Not this shell of a man I've become.

Everyone keeps telling me well you need to just focus on your son more and not worry about your feelings or lack thereof for your wife. As if my son is supposed to fulfill all the roles in my life, it’s not his burden. I have watched plenty of marriages stay together for the kids and then watch as they dissolve as soon as they are out of the house.

They next answer people give me is, you just need to pray, read the word, spend more time with your wife, learn her, study her, become friends and slowly God will transform your eyes and heart for her. I absolutely believe God can transform me and He continues to mold and shape me. But the reality is what if he doesn’t want to, what if the personality, emotion, love, energy, etc. was all created in me for a purpose and though I made a poor decision in the immaturity of walk and youth to marry my wife out of fear of disappointing her family, friends, the church, and 400+ that were all crammed inside a chapel staring at me. That this decision does not have to be the end of the story. That out of the ashes, the person I once was can be used still. Can God not still use a divorce man or woman to bring glory to His name? Can a believe who has grieved over a poor decision not repent and start fresh. Has Christ not paid for my past, present, and future sins in full on the cross. When I walk into heaven is it not going to be Christ in me that will shine through and not the laundry list of failures.

The final solution people give me is you need to not think about your decision, just take one day at a time and see what God does. To me this is just another approach just like all the others to not focus on the issue but rather ignore them in hopes that I’ll stay.

So all that to say these are some of the reason why I feel stuck. I hope it was not too scatter brained for you to follow. It is important to add to the overall context of my situation to ensure you and everyone knows, that I am no longer with or in any forms of communications my affair partner. As I feel some people may view my desire to leave being based on that, it is not. It is also important to mention that I had always been faithful to my wife. That is was not until I told her the second time (5 years apart) that I wanted to separate and to get a divorce and we separated that the affair eventually began completely unplanned. I hope this helps to clarify or fill in the blanks to more accurately convey my heart in this.
I love my wife, she is a beautiful woman inside and out, but my love for her is as a sister in Christ only. To me there is so much more to a relationship that physical intimacy (which I have done with my wife out of obligation only). A deep connection, ability to communication, share thoughts/struggles/emotions safely, enjoy spending time together in activities or in quite, respect and encourage each other’s gifts and talents, and so much more all add to the desire for closeness in physical intimacy. In other word emotion intimacy needs to exist for a desire for physical intimacy to be desired. I’m not an impulsive person, never desired or had one night stands. Every one of my relationships have been for long durations of time and build around the frame work just described, with my wife being the exception.

When I met my wife I was a new believer, seeking guidance, direction, and ultimate to do what pleased the Lord. The believers around me simple stated, paraphrasing that all you need to do is settle down and find a good Christian girl as your next step. Don’t look for the things that interested or attracted to you to your former relationships, instead look for someone with similar belief and dedication to the Lord. 8 months later I was in a chapel exchanging vows, crying my eyes out not out of happiness but out of shear fear of not wanting to do what I was about to do but not feeling like I was allowed to voice or believe that was the right Christianize thing to say/do.

Hope that all makes sense.
RoadHome is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd January 2014, 03:45 PM   #21
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

Did you do what I suggested some months ago about the Bible verses? It really works.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd January 2014, 05:19 PM   #22
RoadHome
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 11
Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

I have read Song of songs and proverbs and found other verses that may also be useful and relevant, and tried to personalize them. I do believe the Bible is 'powerful, active and as sharp as a two edged sword', and helpful to change perspectives. The real question for me is, if my relationship with my wife never is transformed into what I so desperate desire, can I sacrifice it as an offering and continue on? Will God love me less if I choose to not or to sacrifice it? I have never felt closer to the Lord that when I am completely honest, open, and separated from this situation. Because when I am, I truly feel a overwhelming weight of expectation, duty, and unacceptance from my wife and her support system.

While we were separate for 3 months, it was like I could breathe again. The minute she returned sucked the life/air right out of me. Not because she did anything or has done anything, it’s just overall reality of our relationship. Has she not tried to respect my personality, yes. But has it not always been met with a half heart reluctant grin, no. When we talk its very direct, to the point, and with little room to disagree or open dialog. If you have ever made a goofy comment to lighten the mood or uplift the conversation only to get crickets or a stare, that’s me. Do we have common interests, very few. Have we tried to respect each other differences, absolutely. But at the end of the day, we literally are polar opposites, through and through. She grew up in the church, is a PK kid, very strictly by the book, does not understand why things are not the same with me who did not grow up in the church. Well, that is what scripture says so just do it. No room for the spirit to work, prod, or struggle through things.

I can read scripture verses, mediate on them, pray for God work to transform my mind and heart for my wife. But at the end of the day, if He doesn’t He’s still good and if He does He still good. I just feel like He created me for so much more than who I have been these last 6 years. To know that my heart, personality, joy, everything He created with delight with can’t freely be shown without constant issues with my wife pushes me back into the cage to keep the peace, put the mask back on and be who she wants me to be (basically her Dad – a pastor with a doctorate, who was always home for dinner at 5, never had a drink, and is a big submissive tear bear to his wife) instead of me.
RoadHome is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd January 2014, 07:42 PM   #23
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RoadHome View Post
I have read Song of songs and proverbs and found other verses that may also be useful and relevant, and tried to personalize them. I do believe the Bible is 'powerful, active and as sharp as a two edged sword', and helpful to change perspectives. The real question for me is, if my relationship with my wife never is transformed into what I so desperate desire, can I sacrifice it as an offering and continue on? Will God love me less if I choose to not or to sacrifice it? I have never felt closer to the Lord that when I am completely honest, open, and separated from this situation. Because when I am, I truly feel a overwhelming weight of expectation, duty, and unacceptance from my wife and her support system.

While we were separate for 3 months, it was like I could breathe again. The minute she returned sucked the life/air right out of me. Not because she did anything or has done anything, it’s just overall reality of our relationship. Has she not tried to respect my personality, yes. But has it not always been met with a half heart reluctant grin, no. When we talk its very direct, to the point, and with little room to disagree or open dialog. If you have ever made a goofy comment to lighten the mood or uplift the conversation only to get crickets or a stare, that’s me. Do we have common interests, very few. Have we tried to respect each other differences, absolutely. But at the end of the day, we literally are polar opposites, through and through. She grew up in the church, is a PK kid, very strictly by the book, does not understand why things are not the same with me who did not grow up in the church. Well, that is what scripture says so just do it. No room for the spirit to work, prod, or struggle through things.

I can read scripture verses, mediate on them, pray for God work to transform my mind and heart for my wife. But at the end of the day, if He doesn’t He’s still good and if He does He still good. I just feel like He created me for so much more than who I have been these last 6 years. To know that my heart, personality, joy, everything He created with delight with can’t freely be shown without constant issues with my wife pushes me back into the cage to keep the peace, put the mask back on and be who she wants me to be (basically her Dad – a pastor with a doctorate, who was always home for dinner at 5, never had a drink, and is a big submissive tear bear to his wife) instead of me.
Rh it will take time for that to work. It may even take years, but please give it a chance. It worked for a couple I know. Make the decision to stick with it for as long as it takes, and be 100% committed, and every day say those verses as if you mean them. When you are in the car, when you are walking, when you are sitting, when you are in bed(silently) and at all times. Say" My desire is towards....." etc etc.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd January 2014, 09:56 PM   #24
RoadHome
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 11
Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

Choosen - I hear what you are saying but it just seems like a band-aid to me. Force yourself to ignore your feeling by reciting verses, focusing on your wife, surrounding yourself with community, be in the word, get counseling all things I am doing. But still cant shake the feeling that I am just doing everything to just please everyone and keep the peace. Im basically back at the front of the chapel with everyone looking at me all over again and crippled by fear which is keeping me feet glued in place, when inside I want to run for the door.
RoadHome is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd January 2014, 01:04 AM   #25
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RoadHome View Post
Choosen - I hear what you are saying but it just seems like a band-aid to me. Force yourself to ignore your feeling by reciting verses, focusing on your wife, surrounding yourself with community, be in the word, get counseling all things I am doing. But still cant shake the feeling that I am just doing everything to just please everyone and keep the peace. Im basically back at the front of the chapel with everyone looking at me all over again and crippled by fear which is keeping me feet glued in place, when inside I want to run for the door.
No its the opposite of a band aid because it will change the way you see your wife from the inside out. Christianity is all about faith and believing what we cant see, and the power of the Bible as Gods word is such that it does change us if we stop believing in our feelings and start allowing the word of God to change us. The more you do it the more it will become reality in your life. It may take a year or two, but what is the alternative? Destroying a family, or staying where you are discontent and unhappy?

All I can say is that it works. Its would be good if your wife could do it as well. I do also feel that you need to stop thinking of escaping and commit yourself 100% to keeping the promises that you made to your wife and be a good dad who is there all the time. Do all that and see God work. The Bible isnt just a Holy Book, its very powerful and it changes peoples lives. We must believe Gods word over what we feel, that's so important. God has give you that lady to be your wife, and He wants you to love her and care for her, and He will help you.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd January 2014, 09:47 PM   #26
RoadHome
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 11
Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

The struggle to believe this truth is hard, but I have not given up. I am merely voicing where I am at and being real in that. I desperately need a miracle.
RoadHome is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd January 2014, 11:40 PM   #27
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RoadHome View Post
The struggle to believe this truth is hard, but I have not given up. I am merely voicing where I am at and being real in that. I desperately need a miracle.
Yes it is hard. My husband and I have been believing in faith for something for years that God has promised us, but as yet hasnt happened. We do get discouraged, but its by faith and believing in His word and promises that things happen. What we say and think is to important.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th January 2014, 03:25 PM   #28
RoadHome
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 11
Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

Thank you for the encouragement Chosen. My purpose in my original post for me was to have a safe unbiased place to share my thoughts, heart ache, and reach out to this community to find encouragement, guidance, and wisdom. In my situation I really do not have an avenue to voice this, my wife blames everything on this affair and refuses to acknowledge many of the issues I have voiced on this forum from the previous years before it occurred. This coupled in the fact that I am very slow to trust, being burned often by those who called me brother only to further spread gossip on my behalf. I recognize that much of what I am voicing only paints a picture further of isolation, both some made by self and some by others. So I appreciate everyone’s willingness to hear my heart in these posts.

In the nearly 7 years that I have been married, I truly have not deviated from trying to focus on only the best in my wife, invest all my energy, strength, and time in to it. Going to countless marriage seminars and counseling sessions. Both going to and leading couples groups through their martial issues. Going through deployments and reunions, the birth of our son, and many changes in location over the years at to the mix, but has always been my wife’s cure “well when we get there, everything will be better”. A long hard swallow has always filled my throat.

The one thing has secretly remained, that my feelings toward my wife (as a husband should have toward his wife and that she has towards me) have not been there from the first date till now. I have constantly had people tell me, well you fell out of love you can find it again. But it only shows me that they weren’t listen. You have to be in love to fall out of it. I have described my relationship with my wife as more of that of out of obligation (for me) or as that of a old testament marriage with me more the bargained for wife. My wife has never thought, felt, of knew anything but a happy marriage, a major reason for her focusing on the affair as the reason for these now voiced feelings. I poured myself into it, hoping and praying that along the way some common ground could be cultivated or found. When everything came out, she said that she thought she was the most loved woman in the world and amongst our circle of friends/family that we were the one that really didn’t have any problems.

But the reality is, I have died a million deaths inside. Secretly grieving inside, as each failed attempt to come out of my shell was quickly snuffed out and forced back inside. Thou you all don’t know me personally, I hope that my words can afford you some sort of glimpse of who I am and this aguish. Before my wife and I began dating I was active, involved, full of life, mission focused, mentoring other men, full of joy and happiness. My best friends were the first to recognize the change as soon I began dating my now wife. Making comments like “are you ok, you seem not yourself, etc.”. My pride always returned their questions with a enthusiastic, “yeah, don’t worry about me just had a long week”. All the way up to my wedding day when my best man looked me in teary eyes and said, “are you sure you really want to do this, you don’t seem yourself or like you are excited/happy about this?” As I peered into the sanctuary packed with my wife’s friends and family from across the world. I could not bring myself to the disappoint and bring so much pain if I had left her at the altar. Knowing fully well the feelings I have even today, remain unchanged toward her.

I understand my responsibility and covenant, it has been thrown in my face some many times it might as well be tattooed to my face. However, I can’t shake the feelings I have of being so much more than this. My heart cry is for the least of these in this world, not here but overseas. My wife is very much the opposite, plant roots in suburbia America and grow old together. I am overwhelmed by the knowledge of who I am inside and who I can never be with my wife. I know what everyone’s first comment is to this, “we’ll have you talked to your wife about this or tried to be yourself with her?” The answer is a resounding YES. It lasts no longer than the end of that conversation with her.

I believe God can and does work miracles, but I also believe He desires us to be our authentic selves by His creation. That we were wonderfully and masterfully made to honor Him. But I feel like the only way I am honoring Him now is by keeping my covenant of marriage, but my desire to serve Him where He has called me to be slowly flickers, growing closer and closer to extinguishing. There has to be more to my life than this form of indentured servitude to my wife. I feel like I’m literally a shell of a man and everyone is ok with that. Because then they can paint me how they want and then pull the strings, as their puppet always able to use Gods word to convince me back into the show. When I look in the mirror I see the sad clown, when I step out of the dressing room everyone only sees a happy one, never acknowledging the tear that I always have to quickly wiped away.

I’m not try to get anyone to support me or tell me what to do. I just need to get this out because it’s how I truly feel. Thank you for hearing it.
RoadHome is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th January 2014, 05:51 PM   #29
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

I do hear your anguish, and its clear that you should never have married her feeling as you did. but its to late for that now.
While I appreciate that you are so disappointed in the marriage, why does this stop you from doing what you feel God has called you to do?
I don't mean by going abroad, but by using your gifts and abilities to serve him where you are? There is so much need in the world, we don't have to go far to find that need. In every place there are those who are suffering and who need God, as well as practical help, to get by.

I feel prompted to tell you about a close friend of ours. He is a Christian guy who struggles with an attraction towards men. He has been though stages of feeling terribly sad that he cant have a relationship and children, because he knows that God doesn't allow this. He is now in his mid 40s and has sort of come to terms with it, and had decided to put all of his efforts into becoming a foster carer for children who need somewhere to live due to life's circumstances, and he is now ready and waiting for his first child. He has focused all of his energies on doing something worthwhile of out of his unhappiness and disappointment.

I wonder if you could pray for God to show you something that you could get really involved in near where you live? A ministry for you? Something that would give you a focus and purpose apart from the marriage? I just cant see why the fact that you are married to a lady who you don't love in that eros way, has to stop you from being yourself as God made you to be.

When you think that most marriages in the past were arranged ones(they definately were in Jewish history), there must have been millions upon millions of people who were married to people all their lives who they never really loved in that way, but we expect so much more today with Hollywood films giving us all a very skewed idea of what love is, and what marriage means, and that we must be 'in love' or we should divorce etc. Think of that film called 'fiddler on the roof ' and that song that Topol and his on screen wife sing called "Do you love me" Its very profound, and they come to the conclusion that because they have done so much together, and been though so much, and had 4 daughters, and stuck together through thick and thin, that must mean they love each other. Theirs was an arranged marriage you see, and love in the romantic sense never came into it.

Here it is. Watch and listen when you are alone.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6A2MBneb7lc

Do you not think that a couple who get on well, and who are good friends, can have a strong and good marriage despite the fact that the romantic love isn't there?

I am glad that you are able to at least get this out here, its a safe place to do that.

Last edited by chosen; 24th January 2014 at 06:41 PM.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th January 2014, 08:06 PM   #30
RoadHome
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 11
Re: Marriage of obligation vs my happiness?

I feel like I’m in an arranged marriage, only I have an option to stay or go. Must people in that situation in the middle east don’t. But if given the opportunity, freedom, and support would they?
RoadHome is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
None

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 08:26 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer