Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

[ronnoco]

I really don't think you can sit around deteriorating mentally and physically whilst you wait for something magical to happen.

I would suggest a meet to talk about your situation, a heart to heart and do exactly that. Ask her outright if she has any regrets about splitting up, if she sees herself having a change of heart or ever loving you again? Is she happier now? Does she want to try and works things out? You are a smart guy, you will be able to gauge from her reply her feelings.

The NC hasn't brought her back, you need a new plan now to help you move forward and I think this could help. Don't wait month for the cats, that's not relevant in my eyes anyway. Ask for a meet asap and ask her outright where she is in life and where you stand. What have you got to loose?

[ralfgarnett]

Thanks mate I really appreciate your very generous time and obvious concern, but please can I ask you do I really come across as being that bad ? the reason I ask is that both you and NDY really seem concerned about me at the moment and I was wondering what impression I was giving off to raise such concern ?, I will definitely consider what you have suggested, however I don't think I'm emotionally or even mentally strong enough right now to do that but I will certainly consider it sometime hopefully soon once I have got my head in a better place, I am currently studying self help CBT under professional weekly supervision and am hoping that it will help me to become stronger mentally as I need to break and change a lot of my current thought patterns, at that stage I would consider a meeting with WW, your a good man ronnoco I truly hope things are ok with you mate you sound fairly up-beat I hope I'm correct.

[ronnoco]

Yes - you really do come across to me as someone is a very bad place Ralf. You have spent almost a whole year going round in circles, asking the same questions, constantly analysing the situation, asking questions for which you can never have the answers.

You have lost a third of your body weight. 10st at over 6ft tall is very unhealthy. You have had suicidal thoughts may times, are on anti-de-presents - it's all just such a shame to see because I know deep down that the Ralf from the past was as solid as a rock. Unfortunately, your wife has literally broken you into pieces...I don't like it one bit.

In a way, its a shame there wasn't someone else - I know that sounds horrible but least you would have closure. My situation was so different to yours. I loved my wife with all my heart and if she had left under the circumstances that your wife did, perhaps I would be exactly the same as you, I'll never know but one way or the other, I just want you to be able to turn the corner.

I'd love to hear stories of you taking a nice lady out for dinner, maybe going to a show...I know you wouldn't want that now but there is so much more available for you if you in this life can just somehow get out of the limbo state you are.

It all boils down to closure - one way or the other you need to find closure - I'm not saying you'll be over your wife leaving you...you may never get over that but if you can find closure you can go through the process of healing and reach acceptance.

I really think you should find the strength to have a meeting with your wife and literally just ask her to put you out of your misery. Is there hope? yes or no. Tell me the truth, I need to know.

If she has a heart, she will see the dramatic change in you physically and emotionally and be completely honest with you....that's what you need my friend. You need to end this cycle of suffering.

[chosen]

I have to agree with the above. You are still hanging on to that idea that she will one day just decide to come back, and as you say Ralf, you are afraid to hear that there is no hope for the marriage.
As we have said before, you are stuck because you havent accepted it, you are still loosing weight, and acceptance is such an important part of the grieving process. Yes its hard to accept that the marriage is over, but for your emotional well being, it needs to be done.

She did say to the priest not long ago that she wasnt coming back, if you need to have it said to you again then ask her again, but she knows where you are if she wants to come back doesnt she. I know that you are afraid to hear her say it but otherwise you will remain in this limbo/false hope situation for ever.

[ralfgarnett]

Crumbs this is extreme, I didn't realise just how boring I have become, I never used to be boring I have always made friends easily and got on well with people, before I met my wife I was something of a ladies man too I had no trouble on that score, (I wonder if her from the travel agent is still knocking about ? she was a canny lass it was either wife or her and wife won), but meeting WS changed everything almost over night and we fell for each other quickly and knew we wanted to be with each other for life, I love her even though she has almost broken me, well actually I have broken myself she was only doing what she considered best for her at the time, I cant help loving her still because I didn't want this to end and still don't, and yes ok maybe I might be a bit deluded but people and situations do change all the time and I would have her back in a flash if she wanted to return, I think part of the problem is this and it's simple, we met late May 1995 we started dating, love blossomed quickly and we formed a very strong bond, we moved in together October 1995, and were engaged by December 1995, sadly we lost a baby December 1996 but we married June 1997 and in my opinion all was rosey between us as far as I knew until mid July 2014, so in my brain that is over 19 years of happiness that me and my brain experienced and have been used too, that's a long time to be very very happy and in love with someone and to be loved back, and then out of no where appears extreme un-happiness and no more in love from her, that is a cocktail for extreme un-happiness by anyones standards it wouldn't be normal if I was to be over that so quickly no wonder I struggle with acceptance it is almost like a sudden death, things like that take time to accept and you just can't force it, sadly there is no quick fix, time is the key I think and is the only answer, no pills, potions, therapy, or buzz words, strategies, or game playing just old father time and extreme patience, wish me luck everyone.

[chosen]

Many people loose their partners suddenly ralf, either though death or their marriage suddenly ending. and yes it is a terrible shock(mine did that after 23 years), but hanging on to something that is gone isnt helping you at all.

[notDoneYet]

Hi buddy

We don't think you are boring. Not in the slightes. We are worried about you. That's all.

If I'm honest I don't see too much in the way of progress with you. You are still enmeshed in the M. A M that's gone.

You say that you can't force it? I think you can. Because you are forcing yourself to hang onto the carcass of your M. Letting go isn't giving up. Letting go is freeing yourself to be ok about you. And do you know what? It is ok for you to be ok about you.

I know it hurts but letting go of the hurt will help you in the long run. It will get better but only if you allow it to get better. It all starts and ends with you.

Peace my online bro.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by chosen

Many people loose their partners suddenly ralf, either though death or their marriage suddenly ending. and yes it is a terrible shock(mine did that after 23 years), but hanging on to something that is gone isnt helping you at all.

I feel for you chosen 23 years is a hell of a long time it must of been awful for you and your young family, what was the reason for that breakdown can you say ? if not I understand but I have often wondered, I am not hanging on I have some strange feeling of hope, hope that maybe one day she can come out of the fog she found herself in and maybe we can re-connect, but you just can't make somebody think a certain way they have to do that themselves in their own time and at their own pace I know this through the CBT I am studying, acceptance could happen tomorrow, it could happen next week, it could happen on bonfire night, or it could never happen, to coin an old phrase " you can take a horse to water but you can't make him drink" I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to harbour false hopes, I want to be happy, I want to laugh and smile again, I want to enjoy my life, I wish in a way I could currently accept it but I cant it's not that I won't I cant at the moment as I have said previously my brain just doesn't work that way, I have too much to work through in my mind to finally accept it if at all, for tea tonight I had a nice piece of poached haddock with brown bread now I'm going to have a piece of carrot cake so at least I'm eating a bit more.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

Hi buddy

We don't think you are boring. Not in the slightes. We are worried about you. That's all.

If I'm honest I don't see too much in the way of progress with you. You are still enmeshed in the M. A M that's gone.

You say that you can't force it? I think you can. Because you are forcing yourself to hang onto the carcass of your M. Letting go isn't giving up. Letting go is freeing yourself to be ok about you. And do you know what? It is ok for you to be ok about you.

I know it hurts but letting go of the hurt will help you in the long run. It will get better but only if you allow it to get better. It all starts and ends with you.

Peace my online bro.

Grazzi habib, no it's me that thinks I have become boring I used to be life and soul of the party, once upon a time before I settled down I was full on party animal always always the last man standing I have taken on the likes of the hedonistic Dublin, Leeds, Liverpool, Manchester night scene and defeated it almost single handed, I was genuinely a people magnet I was once amusingly described as being that friendly little puppy that everyone loves and wants to pat on the head that tickled me I quite liked that, also I am not forcing myself to do anything that's the point I'm just letting it all happen around me naturally I don't have the energy or inclination to force anything at the moment, maybe you can force things but that's you not me, and is it so wrong to want to save my marriage and have some belief ? in the words of the late great George Benson "never give up on a good thing, remember what makes you happy".

Ps, just remembered George Benson isn't dead or at least I don't think he is, I was thinking of Marvin Gaye.

[Lindentree1]

I'm glad you're doing CBT work, Ralf.

Why don't you write your W and say you want to build up a friendship again? No pressure, no talking about a relationship. After all this time apart, you kind of need to get to know each other again anyway. If you guys start seeing each other regularly like you used to perhaps something might build up between you again. Saying you want a friendship takes off the pressure and if you both hang out enough it might spark memories of happier times between you. If she tries to talk about the relationship or the future you could just tell her you want the friendship back right now and everything else can wait. Maybe it could slowly build up to something more. It might be better than you sitting at home feeling lonely for her.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by Lindentree1

I'm glad you're doing CBT work, Ralf.

Why don't you write your W and say you want to build up a friendship again? No pressure, no talking about a relationship. After all this time apart, you kind of need to get to know each other again anyway. If you guys start seeing each other regularly like you used to perhaps something might build up between you again. Saying you want a friendship takes off the pressure and if you both hang out enough it might spark memories of happier times between you. If she tries to talk about the relationship or the future you could just tell her you want the friendship back right now and everything else can wait. Maybe it could slowly build up to something more. It might be better than you sitting at home feeling lonely for her.

You just brought tears to my eyes, that's a really good idea, she was my very best friend and along with everything else I really miss her friendship and our shared sense of fun and adventure I love your idea but need to think it through, if I did do that would you mind helping me with my letter I could do a draft and pm it to you, I would be very very grateful for your help and opinion and I might even tell you my real name.

[Lindentree1]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

You just brought tears to my eyes, that's a really good idea, she was my very best friend and along with everything else I really miss her friendship and our shared sense of fun and adventure I love your idea but need to think it through, if I did do that would you mind helping me with my letter I could do a draft and pm it to you, I would be very very grateful for your help and opinion and I might even tell you my real name.

Sure, Ralf, think it through. I can look at any letter you write if you decide to write one.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by Lindentree1

Sure, Ralf, think it through. I can look at any letter you write if you decide to write one.

Thanks LDT really appreciate it, I wont be doing anything until at least next week as I want to get sunday out of the way first.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

I feel for you chosen 23 years is a hell of a long time it must of been awful for you and your young family, what was the reason for that breakdown can you say ? if not I understand but I have often wondered, I am not hanging on I have some strange feeling of hope, hope that maybe one day she can come out of the fog she found herself in and maybe we can re-connect, but you just can't make somebody think a certain way they have to do that themselves in their own time and at their own pace I know this through the CBT I am studying, acceptance could happen tomorrow, it could happen next week, it could happen on bonfire night, or it could never happen, to coin an old phrase " you can take a horse to water but you can't make him drink" I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to harbour false hopes, I want to be happy, I want to laugh and smile again, I want to enjoy my life, I wish in a way I could currently accept it but I cant it's not that I won't I cant at the moment as I have said previously my brain just doesn't work that way, I have too much to work through in my mind to finally accept it if at all, for tea tonight I had a nice piece of poached haddock with brown bread now I'm going to have a piece of carrot cake so at least I'm eating a bit more.

Well ralf they werent too young, they were aged 14, 18 and 21 when it happened. Youngest was just starting GCSE's. I cant really go into too much detail because others were involved, but I found out quite by chance that he had done some terrible things, and had been for about 12 or 13 years. The police were eventually involved|(I had to tell them) and I had no choice really but to ask him to leave the day I found out.

Thats good that you are eating more, you need to put a couple of stone back on. I adore carrot cake but am presently on a no sugar diet, so cant have any at all Wish I could loose some weight. I was the opposite to you, in the 2 years after my marriage ended I put on 2 stone comfort eating, and have struggled ever since despite the fact that I eat a very healthy diet. I used to be very slim in my 20's, in fact I was underweight. Only weighted 7st 12 then.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Thanks LDT really appreciate it, I wont be doing anything until at least next week as I want to get sunday out of the way first.

THink carefully ralf, how will you feel if you put your heart into this and she still doesnt reply? If you do write any letter, I feel it needs to be to ask her finally if there is any hope for the marriage. She deliberately stopped meeting you as friend because quite honestly that just isnt possible when you are still in love with her, and I am pretty sure she felt it would be kinder to you to have a clean break.