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Old 11th July 2011, 08:12 AM   #1
buttercup
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verymuddled

hi

i really don't know what to do. I am finding that i am attracted to a man and i think that he feels the same also.I am married and so is he. I have never done anything at all like this before and have always been true to my husband.My husband had a relationship with someone else last year and we broke up but now we are together once more. i don't understand why this is happening because i have never bothered with anybody else before.
i really hope somebody can help.
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Old 11th July 2011, 09:39 AM   #2
Raymond
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Re: verymuddled

You have to cut it off buttercup if you value your marriage. You are in temptation to possible be adulterous which will severely damage your marriage if not wreck it, to say nothing of damage to any children who will receive the flack of it in damaged lives. You need to find the strength to resist it and be faithful to your husband. That he had that affair last year doesn't help things but nevertheless two wrongs do not make a right.
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Old 11th July 2011, 12:30 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: verymuddled

I agree 100% with Raymond. You need to have clear boundaries with the opposite sex if one or both of you are married. If you are able to, then dont ever see this man again, or speak to him or have any contact with him. If he is someone who you have to see, say at work, then make sure that you are cool and polite, but nothing more, and never ever spend any time alone with him. No lunches or coffees together. No talking about personal issues. No flirting. Maybe even think about moving jobs if you can.
I commend you for having your husband back after what he did, but dont risk destroying it again.

We all get tempted in life, but we are NOT helpless to resist. It is a decision to have an affair, it doesnt just 'happen'.So you are attracted to a married man, you dont have to do anything about it do you?. Think of his poor wife and children(if he has any). Think of your family as well.
Do you want to be responsible for the destruction of two marriages? Maybe deeply hurting children as well?
Honestly it just isnt worth it, the repurcussions are too awful.
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Old 11th July 2011, 01:35 PM   #4
buttercup
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Re: verymuddled

hi
i don't see him regularly. he doesn't work with me and i wouldn't try to make contact with him especially.our lives have crossed in a different way. i am questioning why i have felt tempted though because i have never felt this way before.i didn't ever feel attracted to any other man at all since the day i met my husband, i just had eyes for my husband, i adored him.
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Old 11th July 2011, 02:19 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: verymuddled

Sometimes Buttercup we have to overrule our feelings because we know that going with them would be wrong. That the fruit is forbidden can make it more enticing but it is still wrong. If you weigh up in your mind why it is wrong you will see the sense in that. Our conscience will also usually confirm this. You are going through temptation and the question is really whether you will resist this or give into it. If we give into the deception and unwrap the goods we will find that we have been duped and can bitterly regret it as something can happen to us and our loved ones that will make it very difficult to live as before. I would run from it while you can.
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Old 11th July 2011, 02:52 PM   #6
Helen_uk
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Re: verymuddled

I'd say you're probably feeling sensitive after your H's affair and your self esteem is probably suffering too. The key to why you're suddenly tempted by another man is there in your post , you adored your H and never looked at another man - nor wanted to . Your H has betrayed your trust and left you vulnerable.

I think you know deep down that getting attached to someone else isn't a good thing to do or you would have just gone ahead and done it.

If you've agreed to give your H another chance then you should put all your energy into that , if you're not 100 % sure it's what you want then you need to think further about it . Either way involving someone else is never a good idea.
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Old 11th July 2011, 06:27 PM   #7
buttercup
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Re: verymuddled

dear helen

yes i can see that now, thankyou. i do feel very betrayed by my husband. it is nice to feel that i am attractive and that someone might actually like me though. my self esteem must be on the floor right now. you are right, it isn't in me to do such a thing, otherwise just as you say i would've gone ahead and taken that step. as i said i have never felt tempted before in this way, so it was quite a shock for me to feel drawn towards another man. He is a nice man. I wouldn't want anyone to feel the same as i did during that time last year, and would've felt terrible about myself in knowing that i'd played a part in upsetting a home and hurting someone so badly.
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Old 12th July 2011, 11:15 AM   #8
Chamomile
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Re: verymuddled

Quote:
Originally Posted by Helen_uk View Post
Either way involving someone else is never a good idea.
Hi

Yes, I agree. It won't be the best..He is MARRIED as well. Reality Check? If he was a "nice man" (buttercup says..) Why on earth a "nice man" flirting with another married woman? Have some cake and eat it? Very Messy...............and that's hardly any good to raise your already flagging self-esteem..? I would say, that would be a downward spiral rather than going up. xx
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Old 12th July 2011, 08:22 PM   #9
buttercup
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Re: verymuddled

he hasn't 'flirted', and neither have I. We were in a group of people and we all chatted within that group, we all shared a laugh together. I haven't spent any time alone with him. He is a nice person, i would imagine that most folk would say the same about him.
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Old 12th July 2011, 09:43 PM   #10
chosen
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Re: verymuddled

Ok so how do you know then that he feels the same about you ie that he is attracted to you? He may well just be being friendly like he is with everyone there.
If he is a nice person then he will be a good husband, and wont be thinking of getting to know other women in that way. Do you think that you may be imagining that he is attracted to you? Even if he is, there is no way that either of you should do anything about it anyway, so leave it at that and stay away from him.
You are both spoken for, so please try to stop thinking about him and focus on your husband.
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Old 12th July 2011, 10:02 PM   #11
buttercup
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Re: verymuddled

i didn't say for sure that he was attracted to me, i think he may be, but i could be wrong, i don't know if he is or not. I think you're being abrasive. I have noticed someone, yes, for the first time in many many years, and have felt shocked that I have felt drawn to another man for the reasons i explained earlier. I don't feel that I should defend myself- i've done nothing wrong. I was questioning why i have felt this way, because i never have before.
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Old 13th July 2011, 12:55 AM   #12
1aokgal
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Re: verymuddled

Dear Buttercup,

Of course, you might be attracted to another man when your self esteem went to the ashcan after an infidelity! You may still be angry with your husband and feel "pay back" in the back of your mind.

Right now, you see someone attractive who seems to notice you. That is not a terrible thing. It is just not a good idea. What can't be a good plan is to explore a friendship with a man outside of your marriage. I agree with Helen completely that hurt makes you vulnerable, but intelligence has to beat out temptation.

If you want to save your marriage, your effort has to go to repair the damage. You need to understand what happened. You are the victim, agreed, he steppped outside the marriage vows. Maybe both of you were too busy to nurture you relationship? Did he ask your forgiveness? Did you agree to work things out? Are there children in this marriage? It sounds like there are a lot of years invested to lose it all for a walk on the wild side. It just would not be worth it.

Sometimes I doubt some men are even monogamous! Maybe there is an internal button of the hunter there in some. A wife has to look for the signals. Maybe you can talk out some of the issues for this affair. I hope you work through this attraction because it won't make you happy.

Of course, no one judges you that you noticed an interesting man. Just don't develop a friendship that will only lead to a tragedy for all concerned. Make your marriage a "keeper" by investing the time to work through the probelms. You will never regret doing the right thing.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 13th July 2011 at 02:40 AM.
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Old 13th July 2011, 07:17 AM   #13
buttercup
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Re: verymuddled

i didn't realise how fragile and vulnerable i must be. The hurt i feel is there all the time,tears are never very far away. it takes very little to refresh that dreadful feeling, it could be yesterday that's how raw it feels.
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Old 13th July 2011, 08:02 AM   #14
1aokgal
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Re: verymuddled

hi Buttercup..

I am really sorry you feel so much pain from this infidelity. When one steps outside the marriage it is a terrible deception and breaks the trust we feel toward the mate. Whether he has apologized and tried to make amends is very important. We need the feeling that it matters to him, that he realizes how much hurt this has caused.

Cheating makes a woman feel unattractive and unloved. Men can separate an affair from love for just sex. Women regard the affair as stripping them of respect and love. It is a deep wound to the psyche and doesn't heal easily. It is easier to recover if your husband can prove to you that this is history which won't repeat. I think some grovelling is appropriate, so the man should pay in a pound of flesh until he gets it that this can't be repeated. If you want to have a shopping trip I would go without conscience and take a long day for you. You need to ventilate the sour note that was introduced to your marriage.

I hope this was not someone he works with or who is known to you. That is a tough call to deal with that close to home. You are looking for a shoulder to cry on..try here. Don't seek out a man which will complicate the issues and blow up in your face. Other women experience these things and a marriage can survive infidelity. It will just take some work.

When you feel he is genuine in the remorse he feels for acting like a scum, then you need be able to forgive. Of course, you feel terrible but that will pass.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 13th July 2011 at 05:47 PM.
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Old 13th July 2011, 09:42 AM   #15
Helen_uk
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Re: verymuddled

Aww buttercup,

It's such a horrible feeling to be betrayed by someone you love, and it can take months, sometimes years to get over it. It really is like a physical pain.

Even though you've agreed to forgive and work on your marriage it will take a time for your self esteem to build back up. Trust also has to be rebuilt. All that takes it out of you.

Your H can help a great deal by showing he's sorry and allowing you to talk your feelings through if you want to, but don't beat yourself up for feeling this way. You didn't chose to have it happen , it wasn't something you had control over .

I guess a part of you looked at this other man who comes across as kind and lovely and wondered what if....... It isn't wrong to feel that , it's understandable, you're all mixed up. The good thing is you didn't act on it , two wrongs wouldn't have made a right and you knew that and so stopped it happening.

Just take some time to get over the hurt and see if the marriage can get back to what it was before your H's affair . Maybe pamper yourself a bit ?
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