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Old 13th September 2005, 01:04 PM   #241
vanessa
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Helen,

I am full of admiration for you in all that you have overcome. Your childhood experiences make your perspective on this issue unique and I can see how they must make the porn issue a particularly distressing one for you. I wish I could say something more consoling, but I can't since, given what you've been through, I can't understand how your partner can continue with his behaviour -if he doesn't understand your feelings or make the effort to stop, after hearing what you went through as a child, then I don't think he ever will. I think that I am hoping that for some reason my partner will want to stop using porn at some point -either because he gets bored of it, or decides that he should stop causing me unhappiness with it. I suspect I am probably deluding myself a bit in this hope...

I don't think I would consider it in terms of an infidelity, unless he were inter-acting in chat rooms or with girls on webcams, but I agree that its a disrespectful act towards one's partner and also one that impossible to put from one's mind.

It's interesting that you say you've never really discussed it, only rowed about it. How do you think your partner would react if you proposed a genuine, civilised discussion about it, making clear that it was the porn you wanted to talk about, not the means by which you discovered his use of it?
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Old 13th September 2005, 04:52 PM   #242
helenrw200
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Vanessa

It wouldn't make a difference how I approached it. I have tried to remain calm and not let it deteriorate into a row, but he either refuses to discuss it or throws the means by which I found it, up yet again.

He , as I have said previously has interracted with girls on webcams and so for me it is infidelity..... big time....... he seems unable to see this.

The crux of the matter as I see it is that he doesn't feel it is wrong to do these things, he is concerned only with his right to privacy ( I would call it secrecy ) and therefore will continue to do it .

It has been over a year, in fact almost 18 months since I first discovered what he was doing and in that time we are no further forward. He states he won't do it again, and then does. I may add that he states it begrudgingly, not out of genuine remorse.

Where my partner is concerned you do not " discuss " things , things are black or white, no inbetweens and he makes no allowances for feelings or emotions.

We split up shortly before he was due to move in and our living together was delayed for some months. I am starting to wish , no at times I DO wish we had stayed separated.


I look at it this way now. porn is the easy option, camming requires no effort on his part, it is little different to using a prostitute, you pay your money, they give you relief, you don't have to make small talk and you can leave when you're satiated, he always has variety... a different girl everytime if he so chooses.. and can afford it. In real life, what 18 year old girl would be interested in a balding , greying 38 year old man who has no money and works shifts ? I think he's kidding himself, it just makes him look a fool.

Knowing what I know about him makes me almost pity him, I certainly depise him and I have zilch respect for him, basically he is a joke.... but I'm not laughing.

Helen
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Old 16th September 2005, 01:37 PM   #243
vanessa
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Reading your words is very sad. I hope the situation resolves itself for you, Helen, although I don't see how it will if he will not see your perspective and if, despite that you continue to stay even though you don't respect him. I can see why, because of your son, it might seem easier to stay, but I wonder if it really is.
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Old 26th September 2005, 03:49 AM   #244
LotusLeaf
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Where to begin really... Reading through these posts really brought back some painful memories. Though perhaps I can give you some perspective on things seeing as though I am a male and was the one caught in the porn/masturbation grip. I had been with my fiancée five years before she broke up with me. And all throughout that time I had been masturbating and looking at porn and she didn't even know.
My problem started when I was probably about 16, when we first got an internet connection. It started innocently enough back in those days, just looking at pictures out of curiosity. But it quickly escalated into an all out addiction before I knew it. By the time I was a freshman in college and had my first real girlfriend with sexual relations ions, and I had already become so accustomed to doing it solo that I just couldn't get there when we were together. After a few weeks I decided that it was my masturbation that was the cause of the problem, so I stopped and was able to orgasm through oral sex. Intercourse was a different story... Using a condom I felt absolutely nothing to be honest. It was frustrating and I felt like I just wasn't a man because I couldn't perform. She felt like she was doing something wrong. We'd both be upset and I would resort to masturbation to get my high whenever things weren't working out. Thus continued this cycle and sometimes I could get there during sex but most of the time it was just a painful experience. And she had no idea that I was looking at porn and masturbating. I just couldn't seem to help myself.
So after 5 years and two months before our wedding she left me for someone else. Someone that listened to her and someone with which she enjoyed having sex with. I’m 25 now and it was about a month later when I was living by myself feeling completely sorry for myself and in a pitiful state that I visited her and confessed my problem that had basically destroyed our relationship. She didn't know what to say, I saw every emotion in her eyes, from surprise, shock, and outright anger. Then she said it all made so much sense and she was a fool for not seeing it earlier. All those failed attempts that caused her so much pain and made her hate having sex with me. She just sat down in her chair and thought.
Since that day I promised myself that I would never resort to looking at porn and masturbating ever again. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to recondition myself into having a meaningful sex life but I sure hope that I will be able to. It hasn't been easy that’s for sure, and I have had setbacks when I would just fall back into my old habit and jump on the internet and forget all that had happened. I don't want my problem to mess up any future relationships that I'll have.
If I have any advice for a woman that is in this situation with a husband that does what I have maybe my experience can help you. I know that I loved my fiancée, loved her with all my heart. And at the same time I had conditioned myself only to lust after images and movies on the internet. It was so easy to rationalize this behavior, saying that it didn't hurt anyone and that it was my own business. But it did hurt someone, it hurt her and in the end it hurt me. I can say that during my addiction there is not a single thing that could have changed my behavior beside the thought of my fiancée leaving me. And by the time she found out and I promised to make amends it was too late. Change doesn't happen unless something huge happens.
Maybe leave the man, like my girl left me. And maybe if your man is wise enough to see what he had done, he will put the effort into changing. I realize that there are complicated factors in some of these relationships that leaving means a whole lot more than just walking out the door. If you want a complete and whole relationship, the fear of losing you should be enough to wake him up and if not then he isn't worth it. Have strength and determination.
So I want to thank you for posting your stories here because it has renewed my will ten fold. Reading these stories and imagining the other person's feelings was a real eye opener. All the pain I’ve caused... So if you have any questions or would like to try and get a better understanding just post questions and I'll see what help I can be. Hope springs eternal.

Logan
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Old 26th September 2005, 08:11 AM   #245
vanessa
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Hi Logan

Thanks for your post -it was an interesting read, and I really hope things work out for you in your future relationships. I do have some questions (I don't know if you read any of my previous posts, but there is some information there about my situation). I asked this one before, but I'd like to get your take on things -do you think that porn addiction works like other addictions, namely that you have to use more or harder stuff to get the same "hit", or do you think that porn users can just stay at a certain level of usage without progressing into more hardcore areas? Also do you think that there is a connection between infidelity and porn use, or do you think that porn users are no more or less likely to be unfaithful to their partners? Lastly, do you think you really would have stopped if your partner had discovered it and threatened to leave? Wouldn't you just have continued but been more careful not to get found out?

Well that turned out to be rather a lot of questions -hope you don't mind, and feel free to ask any back if I can help by answering anything from this perspective.

Vanessa
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Old 26th September 2005, 01:55 PM   #246
andy
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Great post Logan! So many men can relate. It is a topic that we hide while the problem grows more and more. Getting it into the open is the path to healing.
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Old 25th October 2005, 03:32 PM   #247
Joey T
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Logan: Here are a couple of websites that discuss sexual dysfunctions caused by porn and masturbation conditioning.

http://www.psychforums.com/forums/vi...1796&start=220

http://www.erotica-readers.com/ERA/ITEM/Porn.htm
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Old 28th February 2006, 09:55 PM   #248
matthew
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

My wife and i enjoy watching a porn movie together, i have a collection of magasines which i do fantasise over whilst masterbating but it has kept me from straying. its natural we all do it. we are visually stimulated.

For those who are anti porn,please dont moan when your husband has visited a prostitute or had an affair.Then it will hurt.
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Old 28th February 2006, 11:16 PM   #249
Lovey
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by matthew
My wife and i enjoy watching a porn movie together, i have a collection of magasines which i do fantasise over whilst masterbating but it has kept me from straying. its natural we all do it. we are visually stimulated.

For those who are anti porn,please dont moan when your husband has visited a prostitute or had an affair.Then it will hurt.
I resent your less than intelligent reply in this thread. Every person here is struggling through their own issues in their own relationships. They are NOT moaning, they are in fact asking for help and I for one commend them.

You should be ashamed of yourself for this hurtful post. If you haven't anything intelligent to add to this thread, hightail it out of here. People hurt for different reasons. One day you might need this forum for a problem in your relationships, so don't act all high and mighty here, bub.
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Old 28th February 2006, 11:43 PM   #250
matthew
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

lovey. didn't mean to cause offense, merely offering my point of view. if you read through the threads you'll see i have a problem with my marriage. my wife has had an affair which has destroyed me. i nearly had a pipe to my car exhaust. i like you have issues of trust, a feeling that my world has fallen apart.
i cannot see porn as cheating in any way and neither will most other men. I do not know any male friend who does not use porn.
You have a trust issue with your partner and so do i because they steped over the boundary. i feel your boundaries may be tighter than mine.

Last edited by matthew; 28th February 2006 at 11:53 PM.
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Old 17th March 2006, 04:53 AM   #251
dianj0306
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

my husband has been using porn to masturbate to for years (we have been married 10). I used to get hurt and angry and yet he refused to get rid of it. Recently, he has made efforts to be close to me again so I have let it go. I never cared about the porn, jus that he wasn't also close to me.

Masturbation is a means to an end. Making love is two people sharing each other. As long as it is only porn and you two can have a close physical relationship too then why not?

Why not try watching it together? Could be an erotic experiance for both of you.

If you can be close physically, then seek counseling. It helps. It really made a huge difference for me so far. Opening up lines of communication alone was like looking at each other with new eyes.

Best of luck to you.

Last edited by dianj0306; 17th March 2006 at 04:59 AM.
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Old 17th March 2006, 04:58 PM   #252
Lovey
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by matthew
lovey. didn't mean to cause offense, merely offering my point of view. if you read through the threads you'll see i have a problem with my marriage. my wife has had an affair which has destroyed me. i nearly had a pipe to my car exhaust. i like you have issues of trust, a feeling that my world has fallen apart.
i cannot see porn as cheating in any way and neither will most other men. I do not know any male friend who does not use porn.
You have a trust issue with your partner and so do i because they steped over the boundary. i feel your boundaries may be tighter than mine.
You changed your reply. lol It's okay matthew. I apologise for my passion and getting upset easily. This is a real sore spot for me and to be completely honest, I have yet to meet anyone who understands how I'm feeling and who can help me. It's very frustrating to me because I can help so many others with their issues but Doctor cannot heal thyself. It's my impatience that bothers me.
Fact is, every single person in the world has issues. My issue is now trust, and intimacy, as a direct result of my husband's past lies. Porn isn't the issue, for many of these people (women) but the lack of sharing and honesty is. I never said that I, myself thought of my husband watching porn as cheating! I never have, but others may. The fact is, I never got to even discuss porn with him because in the beginning he hid it and lied about it. I had no idea that he had such an issue, with it until a few years in, if you can believe that. He'd get up 10 minutes earlier than me in the morning during the work week and beat off at the computer. Then, he'd do it while I was in the shower or bathtub! He was never addicted to the porn, but it was habit. He'd used it for years and years. He had a fetish that we hadn't really incorporated in our sex life much and got off on it at the computer. This fetish isn't something we can do all the time, so he'd watch it continuously. It was a problem, since he was hiding out and I never knew. Lying is a huge problem. When you can't be honest with your spouse, there is a huge problem. Many males don't use porn to masturbate. Most do. I don't care about stats. I know all about them. My beef is that now I'm the one who has issues with trust that I have to work on every damned day of my life. That's very frustrating as most of us here know, with your wife's selfish cheating, etc. We all have issues, but cheating is a mistake that never, ever makes the issues in the relationship go away. I'm not the only one with trust or intimacy issues so I know many of you are nodding your head at this post.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dianj0306
my husband has been using porn to masturbate to for years (we have been married 10). I used to get hurt and angry and yet he refused to get rid of it. Recently, he has made efforts to be close to me again so I have let it go. I never cared about the porn, jus that he wasn't also close to me.
Masturbation is a means to an end. Making love is two people sharing each other. As long as it is only porn and you two can have a close physical relationship too then why not?
Why not try watching it together? Could be an erotic experiance for both of you.
If you can be close physically, then seek counseling. It helps. It really made a huge difference for me so far. Opening up lines of communication alone was like looking at each other with new eyes.
Best of luck to you.
So you used to get hurt and angry, not because he watched porn but because he didn't pay any attention to you, ignored you in favour of porn. This is what most women fear when their husbands watch porn and masturbate to it. That is what one of my fears for the future was, that he would start to favour beating off twice a day, in the future. I wanted to ensure that later on in life he wasn't going to start using excuses to make love to me, favour a quick jackoff over me, and then our relationship would crumble because without sex, to me there is little intimacy.
Masturbation is a means to an end? That was my point as well. It's also healthy and fun. Some people start to prefer it though, because they get lazy. Why not switch on porn, get off in a few seconds so you can go back to doing something else? That's a fact that happens all too often. I don't blame porn, I blame the people.
Quote:
As long as it is only porn and you two can have a close physical relationship too then why not?
It might not be 'only porn'. What about chat rooms? As long as you two can have a close physical relationship? Are you kidding me? Some people are able to, but not others. We're all different.
As well, you wouldn't have said that quote when you originally felt ignored by your husband, would you have? No, I don't believe so, because you didn't have that close, physical relationship. You said yourself that you had to go to counselling to get that back. When my husband and I went to therapy, he had already stopped watching porn since August last year. He didn't care to anymore. He was getting to use his fetish with me and was happy by then. I, on the other hand was still reeling from the deception.
All I am getting at here is that not everyone is going to want porn in their lives, so people, STOP trying to push them into using it. Why not watch it? Because they do not want to! Accept that, and please respect it, while we respect those who don't mind that their husband watches porn.
Quote:
Why not try watching it together? Could be an erotic experiance for both of you.
I'm answering these questions for every woman here who doesn't have a voice to. Because they DO NOT WANT TO WATCH IT TOGETHER OR even ALONE. Honestly, why is that so difficult to believe? If someone does not want their partner to watch porn, what makes everyone so sure that they want to watch it WITH them?! Oh my goodness, I tried that, and my husband for one, wouldn't let me watch it with him! The problem is no longer that he is watching it, because he is not. The problem is that he lied continuously for years and that I am now suffering from trust and intimacy issues.
We sought counselling and after two sessions, our counsellor told me that I was on the same level as he if not more in my understanding of our issues and thought we were finished with counselling. He didn't see a problem because I was intelligent and understood every facet of porn and marriage issues. Now, how frustrating is that? I've been turned away because I'm a therapist. Just because I am a therapist doesn't mean that I'm perfect, or without issues! Doctor cannot heal thyself! Understanding and putting things into practice are not always easy or quick.
My husband and I have beyond that a very healthy and open relationship. Beyond this, we talk constantly about our thoughts and feelings and are deeply in love. I am just having problems with the fact that it'll take me a very long time to get over the trust and intimacy issues. I fear that I am too impatient.
Most women don't care so much about the porn but that their marriage is going to disintegrate, because their husbands who have intimacy, sexual, and even a little selfish issues will much prefer to getting off in 30 seconds rather than taking time to touch and make love to their woman. Reality is blown to the wind for some. For some, their reality turns into something completely different, and they can't bothered to touch their wife, snuggle their wife and make love to their wife. Believe me, I have worked both sides, since I was a porn star and am now a therapist.
I really don't find much solace here, no offence at all to anyone. I think I am searching for something that doesn't exist. I do hope all of you keep well.
Lovey.
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Old 18th May 2006, 04:20 PM   #253
brandy24
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

My husband masterbates and watches porn reguarally. I was offened at first, but we have tried it together and its quit arrousing.
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Old 24th June 2006, 01:59 PM   #254
brandyp
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Unhappy Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

My husband and I have been together for 10 years (married 5). He is addicted to porn on the internet. He previously had magazines, which I made him throw out years ago. We seem to fight about him masterbating to porn all the time. Most recently though it bothers me because during a fight, he told he me doesn't feel passionate towards me because I am fat.

This just made me even more supicious of why he watches porn. I can't get him to take me seriously. His excuse is "every in the world masterbates and watches porn, its normal **** you i am not stopping". It really bothers me because I am here for his needs, but he always says we work opposite shifts, I don't want to wake up excuse, after excuse.

I have even moved into the spare bedroom to prove a point that I am serious and I have a 2yr old son and I don't want him to think that these actions are ok. I mean if your single sure fine masterbate, but when your married, isn't your wife enough?

He doesn't take me seriously that it bothers me for him to masterbate to these videos on the internet and think of these women while he is doing it. Then he has the nerve to bring up that I went to the male strippers a month ago. First of all that is like once a year with the girls and I don't do it at all when I am at home ever, If I have needs I go to him first.

How do we fix our relationship and how do I get him to stop watching porn and masterbating to it. It is killing our relationship.

Please help!
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Old 24th June 2006, 02:34 PM   #255
Lovey
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Re: masturbation, porn and marriage

Hi brandyp,

How often does your hubby watch porn on the internet? When you say he is addicted, I can tell you that it is extremely rare that people are truly addicted to porn. Usually that's just a symptom of something else. (I'm a Therapist)

I highly doubt if his masturbation or porn has anything at ALL to do with you, hun. It's usually about them and is their issue. You being skinny or fat doesn't matter a bit. I'm slenderish curvy with a porn star body. I was a model up until recently, and my husband watched porn and masturbated to it twice a day!! He still had time to have sex with me daily as well, so as you can see, skinny, fat, whatever you are has nothing to do with it. Don't let his excuse lower your self esteem.

Men who use porn to masturbate but do not get intimate with their wives usually have intimacy issues or trust issues. (Same thing, really) Every guy in the world does not watch pornography. Many do, but many don't let it harm their relationships. If he's not going to stop, don't bother trying to get him to.

One thing I completely disagree with you on is that masturbation has nothing to do with anyone else but yourself. That's why it's called self-love! There is nothing wrong with masturbating when you are single or married. Both my husband and myself masturbate with each other and if the other is not available, or sometimes just because we need that time with ourselves. However, it doesn't become an issue because we're still very intimate.

What kind of porn does he watch? If you don't know, make it your business to find out. Perhaps he has a hidden fetish. Do you not like porn at all? I don't watch it personally becasue I feel that for me it takes away from intimacy and I have intimacy issues that I'm working through, but for some,.. they enjoy to watch it together. Have you gone that route yet? (I tried but hubby didn't want to!)

Do you mind if he goes to see female strippers?

I'd recommend therapy of course. If it's killing your relationship and you can't go it alone, get some help!

Good luck and I send hugs over the internet!

Lovey
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