Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 4th July 2016, 09:24 AM   #1
tonyme442
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 5
Desperate.

Thanks for letting me join such an excellent forum. It is a kind of Oasis amongst the jungle of false advice out there on the web.

I am 43, and been separated for a couple of years now after a long and mainly unhappy and emotionally abusive marriage, but which I am well and truly over now. I met a lovely woman about 8 months ago and have started to see each other, and the relationship has grown into something quite special. She is good for me in that she had similar values and has key qualities for me which are compassion, affection, forgiving nature, and strong minded. I live in a remote village, so meeting folk isnt easy however she lives in a village approx 40 mins away which although is not ideal, I guess could be worse.


I have always suffered from moderate to severe depression, and no more so than when my marriage ended 2.5 years ago, however I have come on a long way with a few ups and downs and until recently, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel with my lovely new girlfriend, who is devoted to me and is doing all she can to support my depression.


The problem I have is this.....


In my village there is a single woman similar age to me who has never married. She had cancer about 10 years ago which turned her life upside down and although she had beaten it, she has never settled with anyone and the few guys she has been interested in are always the 'Bad Boys' where as I am always told I am the nice guy. She is a bit of an attention seeker even at the age of 42 and to be honest is quite selfish, harsh and potential to be hurtful. When my marriage was ending I saw her as a possible love interest for all the wrong reasons and although never acted on anything, I developed a stupid crush on her that never went away.


Moving forward to last month, and the feelings got too much and I told her my feelings for her. She was first of all very flattered and excited and sent the right signals out. I was prepared to end my relationship there and then with my girlfriend before embarking on anything. A few days later however she had what she called a wobble, and the right signals she was sending out turned to me being put well and truly in the dreaded Friend Zone, as she said she was too mixed up and damaged for a relationship and would only hurt me. This has played with my emotions as she is still contacting me a couple of times a week just as a friend and being her usual flirtatious self, however when I try and scratch the itch and question her if there could still be something, she is adamant that there will not be, however why does she keep contacting me???


I have now gone into a fully blown depression relapse. I feel guilty about my girlfriend, and I am pining for a woman I cant have, but cant avoid seeing every day, and I know could well wreck my life. I am obsessed. I am constantly searching the internet for answers but to no avail.
This woman gets angry that I cannot get over her rejection of my romantic intent and is now making me feel guilty for blanking her as the friend she says she wants me to be, but it is just too painful for me. She asks me out to walk her dog with me, or round for coffee, but makes it clear just as friends.....this is so confusing....


I hate myself and am so ashamed, and I feel so depressed and am just sleeping all the time at the moment due to my mental state. My girlfriend is being lovely and trying to help. I want to be with her and just get this other woman out of my head but I cant do this........ Please help.
tonyme442 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th July 2016, 02:34 PM   #2
TJW
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 43
Re: Desperate.

Quote:
she has been interested in are always the 'Bad Boys' where as I am always told I am the nice guy. She is a bit of an attention seeker even at the age of 42 and to be honest is quite selfish, harsh and potential to be hurtful.
You are exactly RIGHT about her, she even says it about herself:

Quote:
she was too mixed up and damaged for a relationship and would only hurt me.
Quote:
why does she keep contacting me???
Because you fill her needs for companionship and togetherness. "Bad boys" don't, and won't. They are too selfish and self-centered to make good husbands. You are, in short, being USED and manipulated....for the "attention" she seeks, which "bad boys" don't have any time for.

It is only a matter of time before that hurt energy "potential" becomes "kinetic", and she will deliver you just as Proverbs 5 says.

Quote:
....... Please help.
Ok. This is what I want you to do. I want you to set aside 10 minutes of every day at the time of day when you are at your best, your most energetic, your most alert. I want you to begin the 10 minutes with prayer, asking God to speak to you and embed His truth in your heart, then spend the next 8 minutes to read Proverbs 5.

At the point where this adulterous (yes, that's right, Jesus said so) woman is no longer on your mind, you can stop. Or, you just may find yourself loving that bible and loving your time with God.

When you begin to understand why I say she IS an adulteress, not knowing anything other than what you told me about her, then you will be half-way to your goal.

Last edited by TJW; 4th July 2016 at 02:40 PM.
TJW is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th July 2016, 02:41 PM   #3
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Desperate.

If you love your girlfriend then stop giving time or attention to this other lady. Cut off all contact and start being emotionally faithful to her. To be honest I have no idea why you want this toxic lady over the kind caring one, but the fact that you were going to drop her for the local lady maybe says that you dont care for her enough.
Youy may need to move away if you want to make a go of it with the girlfriend. The local lady has no right to tell you how and when you are to see her, and you need to make it clear that you dont want any more contact. You dont have to be friends with her.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th July 2016, 03:48 PM   #4
tonyme442
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 5
Re: Desperate.

Many thanks Chosen for your wise words. The local lady I think is a bit of an obsession, and the thoughts I have of her are unwanted. It is really painful. I know she is trouble, yet I have this daft idea I can change her and give her what she needs. She also has family in the area that i get on with and not being a local myself, maybe a ready-made extended family appeals too. She represents an idea I had a couple of years ago when my marriage failed and she is kind of a rebound figure that has a grip on me. I have told my girlfriend that I used to have feelings for this woman, and although not best pleased, she understood. I just need to find a way of re-programming my mind, and I desperatly want soneone to assure me this pain will pass with time.
tonyme442 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th July 2016, 08:57 PM   #5
TJW
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 43
Re: Desperate.

Yes, the pain will pass.

"daft" ? Yes, certainly is absurd. You can neither change her, nor give her what she needs. In fact, no human being other than herself can change her, and no one can give her what she needs other than her Heavenly Father.

And, yes indeed, Chosen has given you wise advice.
TJW is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th July 2016, 09:52 PM   #6
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Desperate.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tonyme442 View Post
Many thanks Chosen for your wise words. The local lady I think is a bit of an obsession, and the thoughts I have of her are unwanted. It is really painful. I know she is trouble, yet I have this daft idea I can change her and give her what she needs. She also has family in the area that i get on with and not being a local myself, maybe a ready-made extended family appeals too. She represents an idea I had a couple of years ago when my marriage failed and she is kind of a rebound figure that has a grip on me. I have told my girlfriend that I used to have feelings for this woman, and although not best pleased, she understood. I just need to find a way of re-programming my mind, and I desperatly want soneone to assure me this pain will pass with time.

The less contact you have with her the easier it will be. Give you energies to the new relationship and see where that goes.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th July 2016, 05:31 AM   #7
tonyme442
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 5
Re: Desperate.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TJW View Post
Yes, the pain will pass.

"daft" ? Yes, certainly is absurd. You can neither change her, nor give her what she needs. In fact, no human being other than herself can change her, and no one can give her what she needs other than her Heavenly Father.

And, yes indeed, Chosen has given you wise advice.


Many thanks TJW. Your sentiments are much appreciated. Sadly, I am unable to draw the strength you can from religion due to my faith being taken away by the Christian Brothers who abused myself and many others as a school boy. But i appreciate your input.
tonyme442 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th July 2016, 12:48 PM   #8
TJW
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 43
Re: Desperate.

I'm so very saddened to hear that. My church experience isn't great, either, but certainly not as heinous as what you endured. I apologize to you for the "brothers" and their sins, I can understand how this has deeply scarred you, and I know God does, too.
TJW is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th July 2016, 01:00 PM   #9
tonyme442
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 5
Re: Desperate.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TJW View Post
I'm so very saddened to hear that. My church experience isn't great, either, but certainly not as heinous as what you endured. I apologize to you for the "brothers" and their sins, I can understand how this has deeply scarred you, and I know God does, too.
Thank you TJW.

I am coping well with my issues with religion, and will get there.
I do not want this subject to cloud my thoughts in dealing with this woman.
I just need to be able to put the thought of her in a box and move on. I would also appreciate any input on whether there could be a chance with her, or if I am just deluded. I really want closure on it, but for some reason am not getting it.

Thanks
tonyme442 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th July 2016, 05:27 PM   #10
TJW
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 43
Re: Desperate.

Quote:
any input on whether there could be a chance with her, or if I am just deluded.
at this point in time, there is absolutely no chance for you to have a successful relationship as more than a friend to her. It is not impossible for her to change, however, the likelihood that she will change at the age of 42 is highly unlikely, and the probability will likely decrease an order of magnitude at 50.


There is every good reason to believe that you have a wonderful chance of developing the "quite special" relationship with the good woman from the 40-minute-away place. As to whether that relationship would result in permanent companionship, I have no predictions, but I think she sounds "safe" for you to pursue, and might make a good wife for you.

It does not sound to me like you are deluded. You can accurately describe your own feelings as "daft" and "bit of an obsession". These descriptions, to me, are wholly accurate, and are not the thoughts of delusion. I am confident you can accurately predict the consequences of remaining in close contact with this woman.
TJW is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th July 2016, 06:11 PM   #11
tonyme442
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 5
Re: Desperate.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TJW View Post
at this point in time, there is absolutely no chance for you to have a successful relationship as more than a friend to her. It is not impossible for her to change, however, the likelihood that she will change at the age of 42 is highly unlikely, and the probability will likely decrease an order of magnitude at 50.


There is every good reason to believe that you have a wonderful chance of developing the "quite special" relationship with the good woman from the 40-minute-away place. As to whether that relationship would result in permanent companionship, I have no predictions, but I think she sounds "safe" for you to pursue, and might make a good wife for you.

It does not sound to me like you are deluded. You can accurately describe your own feelings as "daft" and "bit of an obsession". These descriptions, to me, are wholly accurate, and are not the thoughts of delusion. I am confident you can accurately predict the consequences of remaining in close contact with this woman.


TJW...Thank you for your wise words. They have given me some comfort that I am not completely losing it!
tonyme442 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th July 2016, 10:42 PM   #12
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Desperate.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tonyme442 View Post
Many thanks TJW. Your sentiments are much appreciated. Sadly, I am unable to draw the strength you can from religion due to my faith being taken away by the Christian Brothers who abused myself and many others as a school boy. But i appreciate your input.
Please dont blame God or Christians for what those child abusers, who were clearly NOT Christians, did. I know many Christians who were abused as children, some by their own 'christian' fathers, and they are following God and part of the church. Jesus Christ can heal you of that abuse, as has happened with many others.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th July 2016, 08:39 AM   #13
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Desperate.

Not all that seems to be religion is truth. I have been in two convents but discovered later on in life that the truth is in and is a person not a religion as such.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 11:18 AM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer