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Old 10th May 2009, 06:20 AM   #61
Ageing Grace
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

I've often thought (and said, to widespread opprobium ... ) that marriage broking is the right idea!

An arranged marriage, ideally, brings together a couple who are matched in all the crucial areas - such as background, ambitions, intelligence & education, appearance and values.

Sadly, arranged marriages have become an article of faith in most of the cultures that still use them, opening the door to spousal abuse and worse. The outstanding exception to this is in jewish circles, where matchmakers are routinely employed with impressive results.

The general idea is as follows:
[1] It's better to be married than not. You live longer, gain financial advantages, and have a more secure social life;
[2] That being so, you should find a marriage partner who is well-matched with you;
[3] Being well-matched and mutually committed to the advantages of your marriage, you will naturally respect and take good care of your partner.

In a nutshell, that's love

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
If you didn't have the feelings to start with you are in a great position to get it right by just cultivating a practical, caring and yes a sexual love for her.
We live in a peculiar age, where we're bombarded with ideals of perfect love and of instant gratification. The two are almost incompatible.

I say "almost" because I do believe in perfect love. It's very rare, though.

Buddha spoke of god sitting on top of a high mountain, slicing oranges in half and letting them roll down the mountain sides. That's half an orange for every person on the planet. I think the probability of finding your other half (in this life: if you're a buddhist, you can keep trying!) is so miniscule, you'd be a perfect idiot to pin all your hopes on it.

You stand a better chance of winning an accumulator bet on the Grand National, in predicted weather conditions, with the proviso that you also win the Lottery jackpot the same day! Mind you, if you do find your 'other half', you feel like you have won it

Back in the real world, we muddle along as best we can. We have a problem with partners who, taking a consumerist view of love, believe they deserve and must have 'perfect love'. It's a bummer but what can you do?

Torn and Andrew, above, seem to have contrasting difficulties in that one of them seems to have a wife who expects the ideal and the other seems to be pining for the ideal.

When you're the spouse whose partner wants 'better', I'm afraid there's little you can do. When you're the one wanting 'more' ... go put that bet on. Leave your marriage when you get the phone call from the bookie

(Usual caveats about abusive marriages, of course. If your partner does not, cannot, or will not, respect AND take good care of you - they're a bad partner. End of.)

Oops, I've rambled
AG
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Old 20th May 2009, 09:35 AM   #62
Johnee S
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Change your beliefs of not being in love to things that you love about being with your partner, start small and work your way up be consistant with it. If you cannot be married and its really killing your relationship then take a break from it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You and your W are missing things in your marriage if she is onto you, better fess up or it will get worse and the worst part is your kids will be devistated.
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 31st December 2009, 04:04 PM   #63
bokie51
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

I can totally understand how you feel. I have been my marriage for 27 years, thinking it would get better, but it has not. You just can not force yourself to love someone that you don't.

I would tell you this, you can stay where you are if you are telling yourself that things will get better if it has not gotten better in 10 years now, your kids would rather be from a broken home then from a home where there is nothing but sadness. I know this firsthand I grew up in a unhappy house. Get divorced and find your true happiness. Life is too short to have wake to a life that is not full of life. I heard an old saying that really makes sense. "It's in your moments of decision the your destiny is shaped". You made the wrong decision forgive yourself and move forward.

These are my opinions, I have lived this and know how painful not having communications, and love is. Find that someone that you can communicate with and love will fallow.

Last edited by bokie51; 31st December 2009 at 04:06 PM. Reason: misspelled word
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Old 4th January 2010, 10:58 PM   #64
robin
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

hi, I posted on this thread in 2005 and have just reread what I was going through. Don't know if it is of any help or interest to anyone, but I did decide to leave my marital home in the summer of 2005. I have never regretted the decision, but have been saddened daily by not living in the same house as my son. However, he is now 18 and well adjusted, I was in the fortunate position of being able to remain friends with my ex husband and be a daily part of my son's life - seeing him, cooking for him and doing ordinary things with him every day. I was able to support myself and buy a small house. A couple of months after I left, I met the most amazing man, a widower with 2 grown up daughters and have been supremely happy. I am now living with him and we have a civlised relationship with my ex husband.
I realise that evry situation is different, I tried my best for a long time and couldn'e go on any more.
hope this is of interest to any of you in your difficult situations. I couldn't however have done this when my children were young.
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Old 4th January 2010, 11:20 PM   #65
Ageing Grace
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Wow, what a great story, Robin! It shows you can continue to love each other as a family, even when "that kind" of love has gone. It takes special people to do it, perhaps. Good for you

The fact that you've found "that kind" of love again puts the icing on the cake!
Thanks for sharing.

AG
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Old 5th January 2010, 05:36 AM   #66
bokie51
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

It's tough I have been having thoughts of doing something bad to myself. I have lost control of my sadness. I am on the edge, of life and death. I don't know what way I am going to go. I talk to my dad it helped but I have to make changes soon or risk killing myself.
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Old 5th January 2010, 06:01 AM   #67
georgie
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

In my opinion love is essential to a happy marriage. Love is mutual respect, enjoying each others company, looking forward to seeing each other to share things from the day, working together for common goals, sharing dreams, doing things together and apart, having joint friends and separate friends, but nobody that comes anyhwere near as close to you as they do.
You have to take control of your life, stop being shouted down and brow beaten in to complying with other peoples wishes. Above all else you have to be honest, and stick to it. Dont state your case and then back track to avoid upset. This is no life for either of you and at some point I believe you wont be able to take it any more.
I respect marriage absolutely, but not if it's making people miserable. Honesty is the key to being fair here.

From the story you've told this marriage should never have taken place, you need to take responsibility for your life. Its your life, it doesnt matter what other people say or do, you're the one that has to live it.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do. We all deserve to be happy, not all marriages work. Honesty eases and shortens the pain.
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Old 5th January 2010, 02:34 PM   #68
Ageing Grace
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Bokie - your first post described the pain of living in the pretence of love. You recommended divorce. If you're still living with this pain, LEAVE YOUR HOME not your life! Can you go to stay with friends and family for a few weeks, while you get your head together?

Thinking of you.
AG
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Old 5th January 2010, 02:51 PM   #69
bokie51
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Hey, thanks so much for caring. I have decided that yes I am going to leave, but I have to wait for spring because I don't want to put my junk on someone else door step. I am on SSDI and it don't pay much. So I am going to apply for sub housing then move. It is very hard to make myself do things like this because I don't like to hurt people. But yes I do intend to leave. I would go to families but I have none here. So I have no way of doing anything else but what I am doing now.
Again though thanks so much for caring. Nice to meet you to.
Bokie
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Old 5th January 2010, 03:18 PM   #70
bokie51
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

I wrote something I thought was really nice and I wanted to share it with everyone that reads this thread.

Each day we are reborn, and thous forgiven our sins of the day before. But if we linger in the old sins of days past then we are still sinning the same sin in our minds.
by Bokie

I hope that someone likes it I do.
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Old 9th January 2010, 07:46 PM   #71
robin
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

don't ever forget that this is not a dress rehearsal, this is life now, don't waste it - I have learned this from my new partner who lost his wife at the age of 50 after 15 years of happiness.
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Old 9th January 2010, 11:50 PM   #72
bokie51
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Yes, I am aware of this. But life is short and we have to be willing to take a chance or not? I feel the need for change, and I am the only one that can make that change. It's as scary as it get's ,I will somehow hopefully come out on the other side. With my heart still in tact.
Thanks for the remainder,
Bokie
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Old 14th January 2010, 09:58 PM   #73
Johnymac
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Hi peeps,
I have read all of your posts guys and I have been noding my head all the way through. I married my wife to do the right thing too its a horrible long story and im not gona get in to it. I do love her and my little girl BUT i am not in love with her and find myself hating her for trapping me, its not always a straitforward story takes 2 to tango and all that.
When I look in to other peoples relationships I find on most occassions that there is always one in the relationship that isnt IN LOVE and the other is madly in love.
I feel that i want to love another all the time and sometimes i take it out on my partner not aggressively or anything but i do, she knows that there is something wrong but like another post on here i do hide it well some times more that others obviously my mood comes in to play. It is really hard man but i really dont think i could leave my kids just so i can go out and sleep about to find a perfect partner which will probly never happen cause i find most people messy and unorganised.
Maybe im wrong and i should just leave her, I just dont know anymore!!!

Im 26 btw and we been together for 8yrs married for 5yrs, so i always feel i have missed out on alot of fun that most people i no have had

I could go on but it is a boring subject for most people.
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Old 15th January 2010, 04:10 AM   #74
bokie51
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Talking Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Hi Johnymac;
I can't tell you what you should do, but I will say this. I stayed for my kids but that's not the right reason to stay. It's worst to grow up in a unhappy family. If there is no connection, or communication there's not much to save. But if you have all that in your marriage then, I would say the trouble is within yourself. You might need to look inside yourself and try to find out what it is about your marriage rubs you the wrong way. Because if it is just that you feel that she trapped you, that's not going to work because you could have said no. It's okay to just say "I just don't love her" that was my truth. I'm not saying this is how your story goes, maybe you do really do love her, maybe not. But if you have one person in love it can not turn out well for everyone, someone is going to get hurt. Know why you want this change before making that desired change. No matter what you do best of luck, I hope things work out for you.

Sorry don't mean to sound like an horses b-hind if I did.
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Old 25th February 2010, 07:51 PM   #75
Tickedy_boo
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Follow your heart and if you don't know what it's saying learn to listen. Chinese proverb says 'if you don't know what to do... wait until you do'

Last edited by Tickedy_boo; 24th April 2010 at 07:30 PM.
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