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Old 14th August 2011, 09:40 AM   #796
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
Baroness,

You don't need to be concerned that posters here make judgment calls about your situation in regards to your husband.
It is obvious you love him deeply, even with his niches and habits, whatever. Like many men, he is an idiot not to understand what this does to you. He and my husband should have cattle prod shockers on their ankles to give them a jolt from time to time! Controls in our hands, right?

I paint my husband with the same brush. He is a decent man, hard working, loyal and generous to a fault, but is quite inscrutable to understand. I think we try to explain why we care so much and why we selected the men we love. I think that defies explanation! If I would say I would like another chance at the process, I would still choose the guy.

I know I'd rather spend time with him anywhere, than to be somewhere else. He is still the brightest, most interesting conversationalist I ever knew. I don't trust him to hammer in a nail though, as he is spacey on that kind of repair. He is awfully kind to me and always asks what it is I would like to do. He has the patience of Job to accompany me on shopping trips or gallery viewing or whatever is the agenda. I will tell him if he doesn't want to go there, we can do something different. He says,"What makes you think I don't enjoy to go see things you like?"

I think no one makes judgements here or assigns points when we talk about things of concern. We all just try to figure how to help and what to do. We all love happy endings and want happiness for everyone here.
I wasnt aware that any posters here have made judgement calls about her husband/marriage to be fair. It was clear from the start that they love each other and that he is a decent man. As you say, we all want her marriage to be a good one. Having a good and decent man is so precious.They seem to have so much good in the marriage, and also Baronness is learning so much about herself and coming closer to God through this,and that can only be good as well.

I babysat for a family last night, a new family who I have just started babysitting for ,and when I put the 5 year old to bed(there is also a nearly 2 year old) she was clearly upset when she told me that she cries a lot, because she misses her daddy so much. Her mum and dad arent together any more and mum has another man there. I almost wept. it was so sad. I babysit for another family where the dad left for another woman. Young children again, its tragic, dont these people realise what they are doing to their little ones for selfishness on their part? I hate to see it.


and

Last edited by chosen; 14th August 2011 at 09:46 AM.
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Old 14th August 2011, 09:55 AM   #797
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

iaokgal
Most women here have 2 cars as well, and most have 2 incomes also, but when we moved here nearly 28 years ago, we choose it because it was near bus stops, schools and shops, so I have never needed one. It unusual for a family not to have 2 cars in thsi area, but when I was with my first husband we didnt have the spare money to run one,(even if I had wanted one) and also when I was a single mum I managed without a car at all for 6 years. I did the main shopping on line and they deliever it to the door and the rest I did at our local shops or got a bus to town. I used the buses a lot at that time.They are pretty good and reliable.

Yes I know that America has more out of town shopping centres, its like in Australia when my husband is from. I noticed that 5 years ago when we went there for 3 weeks. The shops are often sort of isolated from where the people live which seems strange to me, but we are getting far more of these out of town shops here as well now, with very large supermarkets etc. but fortunatly we still have the local shops and the smaller towns that are so easy to get to by car or bus. There are also buses to the out of town shops as well, for those who may be elderly and who no longer drive or who dont have cars. I often wonder how people cope in America and Australia when they can no longer drive through ill health or old age. My MIL had to stop drving and so became completely isolated, and couldnt go to church or even to the shops or doctors. MY husbands brother had to then run around doing everything for her, as well as working full time and having growing family.It was a great burden on him, but now she is in an old peoples unit which is brillant. Cars are great when you can use them, but people are totally lost if they become unable to drive.


Now we could afford 2 cars there isnt any need. One car seems more that sufficient for us. Our buisiness is run from home so my husband isnt out all day, so we usually go out together. His ex had her own car, but I just dont need one. I feel very blessed to have one car after 6 years without one.

Last edited by chosen; 14th August 2011 at 10:15 AM.
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Old 14th August 2011, 10:05 AM   #798
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Well, I have to say, Chosen. It's clear that Baroness is very sensitive to people's comments. 1aokgal is probably being protective of her Friend who had confided in her personally. It's a Mummy bear and her cub thing lol (mentioned with much endearment and affections x)

Many of these complex issues raised here really need to be dealt by qualified professionals and their therapists who work with them. And, their work may take years of assessments and may run up huge medical bills before they come up with any practical intervention (if ever).

At some point, professional intervention would need to take place after enough personal discussions were made and I guess ppl use a site like this in the interim.

This site cannot be a substitute for a proper professional intervention. It's after all a public site where unqualified and some qualified people contribute and voice what they think, which may be or may not be helpful. Our comments are not supervised by any external professional bodies. So, therefore quality could be hit or miss and it would be useful to have a "take it or leave it" attitude. Public sites or certain movies are not for people who are easily offended. It's largely unmonitored and uncensored. lol

Sometimes, personally I like to say something but I choose not to because it's not my call.
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Old 14th August 2011, 10:25 AM   #799
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I think that people come here, not to get professional help, but to get others take on their situation and to see what others opinions and ideas are, based on their own life experiences.
I do know that people have been greatly helped by coming to forums such as this, because for many(especially men it seems) its the only place they can talk about it and get support. I think its great that we have places like this.
I am a moderator on a very large Christian forum(based in the USA but has world wide members), and its a great place to go to and talk and discuss and ask for advise.Its not a marriage forum (it has many many sections covering absolutely everything) but there is a marriage part of it. I have also been able to help quite a few people who have sent me private messages as well, so with that and being a moderator I see it as a job/ministry that God has led me into.(albeit an unpaid job. lol)
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Old 14th August 2011, 11:36 AM   #800
Helen_uk
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

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Hi

Is that your Son with more pronounced ASD, Helen?

No Chamomile , that's my eldest son. Youngest who has the ASD really struggled in primary school. The way they were teaching just wasn't geared up for any child with any kind of difficulty . In the end I started to teach him phonetically at home , which was the way I learned to read although he still attended school everyday . He picked it up within a couple of weeks and went from not being able to read barely at all at age 4 , to having the reading age of a 17 year old at age 8. Youngest has the intelligence but sees things very literally and so if he struggled with anything I tried to find a different way of approaching it that he'd understand. Once he'd grasped the basics of something he would come on in leaps and bounds. Schools on the whole just don't have the resources for that kind of one-to-one teaching.His secondary school I must admit was far more supportive and his EA became a personal friend . Youngest was exhausting to bring up !

He had such behavioural problems from a young age that it was impossible to teach him anything he wasn't interested in , working with his psychologist was marvellous . I owe her a huge debt of gratitude for the support we had. She has 2 autistic children herself and really understood .

As for myself , I'm so ill now for such long periods of time I can barely function some days , let alone study . I doubt I'd have the patience or energy for formal studying.
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Old 14th August 2011, 11:43 AM   #801
Helen_uk
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

The UK governments over the last few years have discouraged driving by increasing the costs of motoring to get us all on to public transport .

The cost of fuel, insurance etc is prohibitive of having more than one car for lots of people. Eldest son passed his test at 17 and bought a small Ford fiesta for around 2000 , his yearly insurance costs were almost 3 times that amount ! He gave up driving when he started work as his job is office based , and his office is a 20 minute walk away from home. As he lives near to the city centre he decided he didn't need a car to socialise either and he's saved a considerable amount of money by not owning one.

I think in the US , from what I've seen, driving is far more necessary . Certainly friends who've been on holiday there said it's difficult to get to even local-ish shops without your own transport. I know fuel costs are rising there too , I only hope they don't end up at the same price as here in the UK
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Old 14th August 2011, 02:55 PM   #802
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Chosen..

My post was addressed to Baroness. I picked up on her concern that when she talked about her husband. She said "she was concerned someone might get a negative view." I wanted to reassure her that was NOT the case. Of course, I have not noticed ,Chosen , you are so sensitive about others, feelings or you would not respond to my post to her. You were quick to pick apart my post, weren't you?

Baroness said this:
I didn't mean for my frustration over this problem we have to color him in a negative way. I get upset with him from time to time but that doesn't change the fact that I love him and I don't have to stay with him but I do. We work together, more than any other man I've ever known. He can be a jerk sometimes but if he is he has no problem with apologizing.

I think she feels bad to discuss this and that is obvious here. She is loyal to her man and wanted no one to think badly. YEESH!

Last edited by 1aokgal; 14th August 2011 at 03:38 PM.
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Old 14th August 2011, 03:16 PM   #803
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Chamomile...

Dear lady, you are right on track as usual. That was exactly why I posted a reassurance to Baroness.

I think one thing in the states we rely on our multi-cars because of wide flung distances between work and home. My husbands ship, when it is in port, is 45 minutes away in the next city a long drive each day with delays through a bridge or tunnel. The gas for that daily trip at almost $4 gal was something. We cars that require supreme gas, so no econemy cars. Americans will continue the love affair with large cars and pay to drive. We don't drive less, but realize we spend more of the budget today on gas.

We have a propane gas log fireplace in the family room. It is wonderful, cozy to sit with hot chocolate in a toasty room in the morning. It is a large house with electric heat but the fireplace is gas. All the extra things that families support today impacts the quality of life and harmony. Most middle class families have great concern for our retirement funds and how we manage our money and manage to save. The sopping malls are sparse in customers from what I see of the parking lots going by in the week. There was a time when it is hard to find a free space to park. All these factors effect our marriages when people have stress about jobs, or no jobs.

Buses are seldom used by the public, so maybe 10 people ride in a near empty bus. The stops don't go far, don't meet needs and those who use them use them would need to transfer to get somewhere. We are a nation that depends on cars since the work places are far outlying and not cropped into large city centers. When a person needs a ride to clinic, they take a cab or handi-wagon and pay a trip fee. That is a mini bus that goes direct to local clinics or locations needed for handicapped or elderly.

Most of America is not in huge inner cities but far flung system of malls. Employment for skilled and technical trades is far outside edge of the city and homes areas. Nobody wants to live in a ghetto city, but in well planned pretty curved neighborhood streets, as homes with trees and well maintained yards. We employ a gardener who maintains our yard on his route and he has a couple guys. He plants and keeps our flower beds and trees beautiful.

In Germany the yards were small and co-opped with rentals, so we had a garden plot rented outside the city area. That was a laugh for us! It became full of weeds and wouldn't grow as we are not adept at keeping a pot plant alive, let alone a whole garden. It is not one of my skills. I work hard to not kill two hanging plants on the front porch area all summer. I get stress over the blasted things!

Last edited by 1aokgal; 14th August 2011 at 05:13 PM.
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Old 14th August 2011, 03:30 PM   #804
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Helen_uk View Post
The UK governments over the last few years have discouraged driving by increasing the costs of motoring to get us all on to public transport .

The cost of fuel, insurance etc is prohibitive of having more than one car for lots of people. Eldest son passed his test at 17 and bought a small Ford fiesta for around 2000 , his yearly insurance costs were almost 3 times that amount ! He gave up driving when he started work as his job is office based , and his office is a 20 minute walk away from home. As he lives near to the city centre he decided he didn't need a car to socialise either and he's saved a considerable amount of money by not owning one.

I think in the US , from what I've seen, driving is far more necessary . Certainly friends who've been on holiday there said it's difficult to get to even local-ish shops without your own transport. I know fuel costs are rising there too , I only hope they don't end up at the same price as here in the UK
You are right Helen, Running a car here is terribly expensive. For young people especially the insurance alone is rediculous and as you say petrol prices are very very high. It just isnt worth running one unless you have to. My daughter lives in Oxford, and like your son, got a job that she can walk to(a fair walk mind you) and there are such good bus services that she doesnt run a car at this time.Also parking is real problem in Oxford as well, with many residents needing resident parking permits. Her fiance runs a car but he lives in Wales, so there arent the parking problems there, althought its still just as expensive to run one.
My son and his new wife share a car, as he runs her part way to work and she gets a bus the rest of the way, and then he drives to his work. I doubt they will ever get 2 cars, its just not worth it for them, and so expensive.

I believe that petrol cost in the USA are only about 1/4 of what they are here, so that makes an enormous difference.
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Old 14th August 2011, 03:51 PM   #805
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I used to live at RAF Brize Norton in Oxfordshire and even then if we went shopping in Oxford it wasn't worth taking the car , it was quicker by bus than driving round for an hour looking for a parking space, that was over 25 years ago so I should imagine things have only gotten worse.

Where my fiance is just outside Southampton there is a local train station and a decent amount of buses, in Coventry where my house is however the bus services are terrible. They rarely turn up on time , if at all and very expensive and normally full ( we live near the end of the bus route ) , it's quicker to walk if going into the city centre . The government needs to ensure public transport is fit for use if they are going to try to get people out of their cars here. We live in an inner city area,in the more rural areas the buses even worse. I used to live on the outskirts of Coventry and there was a bus every 2 hours into Cov !

Gosh this thread has gotten right off topic !

Apologies Baroness .
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Old 14th August 2011, 03:55 PM   #806
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Chosen...

Stop policing others posts would work as well. Dissecting every post is annoying.
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Old 14th August 2011, 03:59 PM   #807
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Helen
My younger daughter lived in Southampton for a year, and she said the buses were good there.
I think that Oxford being a university town with 2 uni's, they have made sure that the buses are frequent and reliable. You rarely seem to have to wait long.
Where I live in N.W Surrey we only have 2 buses an hour now, it used to be three, so they are cutting down. I dont need to use them much now that I am married again and we have a car, but they are quite well used, especially by youngsters getting to work/college/school, or the elderly who get free travel and who cant drive any more. My youngest daughter used them for years to get to college, and then work, but since she moved out again she lives nearer and can even walk to work now(about 30 mins walk). Its all good exercise though, but mind you she is on her feet all day at work at the library as well.

You are a long way from your fiances home arent you. Southampton to Coventry is a fair way. Have you set a date yet? My older daughter gets married in April, and has just got her dress.Very exciting!

Last edited by chosen; 14th August 2011 at 04:30 PM.
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Old 14th August 2011, 04:11 PM   #808
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Regarding the transportation issue. That is an example that life is more complicated today as we are not the small towns of yesterday where everyone knew their neighbors. That is one of the reason there is more feeling people have to feel isolated with their problems.

We also share the worlds' problems that come into our living rooms in living color. It is nice to know that we all come from different places, but we do care about others here. Sad to see the riots in London and the distress of many worried about the econemy, jobs and the future.

I agree, Chamomile, that one who shares advise with seekers here has to realize that comes with a liability. Some can be very upset and we are not professionals, so often hear what a person won't tell anyone else.

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Old 14th August 2011, 04:12 PM   #809
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Chosen..

You are the poster girl of annoying last words. YEESH!
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Old 14th August 2011, 04:44 PM   #810
Helen_uk
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

No date set as yet ... The house I share with my sons in Coventry is rented until Feb, eldest son wants to buy a flat so needs some time to sort that out , youngest will probably move with me .

Once eldest is sorted I can then think about marriage and move here permanently .

Yes, we are a fair way apart , lots of travelling back and forth to begin with , but lately I've been spending more time in Southampton . We started out as friends who had a common interest in music and it stayed that way for quite a while , we met online and after my last experience it took a while for me to be comfortable with it turning into a relationship. Now I can look forward to the future .
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