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Old 24th June 2017, 08:24 AM   #1
Twinkletwinkle
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 1
My husband sent messages to a prostitute

Hi, I just signed up, this looks like the perfect place for some guidance and advice. Thank you.
My husband and I have been married ten years and we have a daughter together. For the past few years I noticed we didn't act like a couple any more, sex had stopped and my husband spent a lot of time just listening to music downstairs while I went to bed exhausted from my day.
At the beginning of this year we had a big argument, I had upset his family as they made some decisions about our daughter I wasn't happy with. He was ready to leave the marriage and we went to counselling. It helped, I agreed to make changes and we agreed to draw a line under these past few years and start a fresh, making more priority to being a couple. We started going out again, talking more, we went abroad.. it was great. However last week I found that from last year he'd joined multiple dating sites looking for 'sexy fun'. And the one that really upset me is that just before Christmas he messaged a prostitute. I saw the messages and he put in to detail exactly what he wanted and that he was willing to pay extra if it went 'over time'. I spoke to this woman myself yesterday and she says that she definitely did not meet him. I believe her. She was very open and confirmed he had messaged her.
What hurts is that he never brought up how unhappy he was. I found out all of this myself. He wants me to draw a line under all of this aswell but I don't know how I can trust him again. I had no idea things had got to this point.
I feel he's so selfish for putting his needs above everyone else's. He was willing to pay even though he'd been telling me to cut back on spending!
He asked me, why haven't I kicked him out already? I don't know. Maybe it's too soon to make any rational decisions. I would like to remain married to him if I know I can trust him and we've now identified the problems that were in our marriage. I don't know if he will try to change though. He says he's not perfect, he's admitted he was wrong, didn't deny anything, he says marriage is a whole new thing to him and he's just learning. Well marriage is new to me too but I haven't made mistakes like this!
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Old 8th July 2017, 11:12 AM   #2
Hope51
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 1
Re: My husband sent messages to a prostitute

I wonder if your husband has found it difficult to raise the subject of your tiredness and sex? itís a very sensitive subject to talk about as I have found with my husband recently. He is the one who wonít openly talk about his feelings on this topic. He just told me to go elsewhere for sex if it bothers me. That piece of advice wasnít what I wanted to hear really!

Perhaps your husband felt he would be rejected by any suggestions of sex and just buried his head in the sand rather than possibly face an emotional discussion. I think the fact that he messaged a prostitute but didnít actually meet her in the end at least demonstrates that he was perhaps frustrated but not serious about going through with it.

I understand how you feel about the trust issues now but perhaps his behaviour was a cry for a little love and attention. Admittedly he went about it the wrong way because he should have spoken to you about how he felt so that you had the chance to make some positive changes.

He admits heís made a mistake and that he is learning so perhaps things can slowly recover from this? Maybe find some quality time together when you arenít tired and rebuild an intimate relationship again. Iím assuming you once shared a loving relationship so Iím guessing you can get back to the good times once again.

I hope things improve.
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Old 17th July 2017, 12:19 AM   #3
TJW
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 41
Re: My husband sent messages to a prostitute

Well, I have to hand it to him for admitting his mistake, but he has to go further than just an admission.

If your husband wants to rebuild trust, he needs to voluntarily submit to scrutiny of his activities. To be completely open and honest about where he goes (even if it's a cyber destination), what he does, how he does it.

In my mind, you should set this up on an action/reward basis. Formulate in your own mind, at what future time, if he has been completely open and honest with you, that you will restore your trust and not require the scrutiny.

Make this date known to your husband.
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