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Old 17th August 2009, 09:45 AM   #1
Dave
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Post Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

Just occasionally an article comes up that really causes us to stop and think.

If your partner has just said those "I don't love you any more" words, read this article and reflect on your next move.

Dave
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Old 17th August 2009, 12:28 PM   #2
RayCub
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

Could've used this article six months ago.

Sad to know it's too late now.
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Old 17th August 2009, 01:14 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

That's a very good article Dave and makes a lot of sense. It must have taken a lot of faith for her to carry it through.

Raymond
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Old 17th August 2009, 01:38 PM   #4
georgie
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

I did not have the emotional maturity when I heard 'the speach' to react in this way, I responded like a wounded child, and am still trying to grow beyond that. I can relate more and more to the adage that 'youth is wasted on the young'. My STBX had his mid life crisis meltdown and I guess it triggered a mid life crisis response in me, I think my pride and fear of abandonment ironically helped drive in the wedge; of course there was another woman involved, so I did not have his full attention, I don't think he would have registered the responses this lady gave her husband, my H's mind was already elsewhere. It was food for thought though, I'm going back and forward as to how I feel about it to be honest. I'm glad it worked out for them, I hope it helps others too.
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Old 17th August 2009, 10:10 PM   #5
crush
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

I have to agree with Georgie, mine also had his attentions elsewhere, and even if I had tried to prevent him leaving it would have done absolutely no good. He was going no matter what. The article is endearing in so much as she was willing to sacrifice her pride and dignity in being allowed to be treated in such a way. I admit yes he had a problem but what of her life. Yes it worked out and I am very glad but it must take a very patient and understanding person to allow that treatment for so long.

When my h said it to me I felt anger and so much hurt and felt I was worth more, much more and to be treated in such a way has to be questioned. Would he have stood by her in the same circumstances I wonder.
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Old 18th August 2009, 12:55 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

Obviously the approach fitted her scenario perfectly in the fact that it was his problem that he said he didn't love her anymore etc. Sometimes people can perceive relationships through their problems which are personal to them and not particularly the others problem. Her faith and patience worked out for her.

Where you get adultery or unfaithfulness though that approach will not help as that will cut right into the intimacy of the marriage. One cannot help being affected if that happens. Crossing that line changes the whole scenario.

Raymond
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Old 18th August 2009, 02:51 PM   #7
arcos
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

nice read....

but what happens if things don't work out that way? what then?

i would consider that this reflects in a way some of the efforts I made, some of the things in the article are very similar, although very different.

what happens when you fail?

i would suggest that, in some way, you actually feel worse than had you just let him/her go.

dare i forward this to 'her'? dare i risk more ridicule, more laughter at my expense, more spite?
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Old 18th August 2009, 07:22 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

Nothing ventured nothing gained. Similar in a way to Fireproof. There are no guarantees but you have to risk it and try. A lot of times life rewards those who have the faith and the will to do the right thing. As I said if it is adultery or unfaithfulness it is a different ball game. Those are the things that lead to serious breakdown.

Raymond
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Old 19th August 2009, 08:48 PM   #9
MSC71
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

That is similar to what happened with me. My wife told me the same thing "I don't love you" and after a few days of whining and begging I did alot of the things that women did. I had Faith that it would work out and instead of arguing, begging etc. I just started doing. Carrying on like a happy camper. Started making dinner and telling my wife she was welcome to eat with us at first. Lots of little things but she eventually started talking about the future too. Then one day she called me from work saying she had a revelation and that she did love me and she did need me.

Our marriage was very similar to Fireproof also. Not everything but I was a lot like the husband in the movie.
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Old 20th August 2009, 08:36 AM   #10
Raymond
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

Wow that's positive MSC. You must have a lot to contibute on here from your experiences.

Raymond
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Old 21st August 2009, 09:17 PM   #11
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

That was a very good article to read. I can really see how it might apply in my situation. There are several similarities in the story hubby and mine, also in her and in me.

Thank you for posting that link. A lot of the literature you find on this sort of thing , seems to sort of be about drawing lines, setting boundaries, honoring your boundaries....IDK, maybe I've been reading the wrong stuff. I like the article because in her situation, she's right - for the benefit of the family.

Easy to read, much harder to practice I think.
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Old 27th August 2009, 04:04 PM   #12
jools
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

I agree with Raymond about the adultery. This approach might indeed work where adultery is not part of the equation; unfortunately, when this "speech" is made there is usually someone else involved - even if it's not obvious at the time. Sadly so. However, I suppose it's worth a try. I also agree with Momof3 - hard to practice, indeed!
Jools X
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Old 28th August 2009, 12:55 PM   #13
Raymond
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

Good observation Jools. I like the way you invert this "speech". It is amazing how it keeps coming up again and again almost word for word. I mean "I love you but am not in love with you" speech. Many times there is no one else and then it hits through that there was after all. Very sad. I have to believe there are cases where there is not someone else but as you point out there often is, so the problem is unfaithfulness, not falling out of love, which is a flimsy thing to end a marriage on anyway.

I think people like you are becoming marriage experts but even so there are a lot of sad things to observe in human nature. No wonder christ offers us a new nature in himself.

Raymond
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Old 28th August 2009, 01:11 PM   #14
Raymond
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

Why is this a sticky thread and what does it mean?

Raymond
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Old 30th August 2009, 12:40 PM   #15
MSC71
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

Sticky thread just stays at the top at all times. That's all I know.
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