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Old 19th October 2011, 02:06 PM   #16
chosen
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

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Originally Posted by richyc View Post
You misunderstand. I feel great, this is exactly what I needed. It was the not knowing that was killing me, the wondering, the possibility of hope.

Now I can move on.

She just came round to sort through all the baby stuff and old clothes in the spare room that we had saved for our next one. She found it very hard, lots of tears but I was too angry to get upset. I held it together but must have said the word "slag" a million times in my head, lol.

I am done. She is the mother of my child but the silly selfish bitch is dead to me.
Yes I understansd that, The not knowing is very hard and at least you know where you are now. Try to keep civil with her because you do have a child, but otherwise everything can be done through the solicitor.
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Old 20th October 2011, 10:25 PM   #17
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

I'm recently divorced and reading some of what you wrote brought back some memories, more so of your feelings, your actualy situation is a lot messier.

As I was reading this, I was actually hoping for the ending, or rather the conclusion you came to. As Raymond says, adultery definitely changes things and makes it very hard to repair.

She definitely does not love you anymore, or that is at least as it appears; but yes, she is the mother of your child and should always allow that bond to grow.

I'm not sure what the laws are like in England, but do you need proof of adultery? It would be great if got some pictures. Don't let her try and manipulate you, it sounds like you got it under control. Also, don't let guilt get in the way of your judgement with the divorce, e.g. her using your daughter as a pawn, or her rehashing your drinking, you took care of that. This is probably going to get real ugly and she will probably stoop to lows you never knew possible.

Keep your head up Rich, I think you'll do fine. :-)
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Old 26th October 2011, 10:31 AM   #18
Chamomile
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

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My wife and I had a lovely summer together i thought although now i see the signs. I have always drunk quite often, only at home, and it has been a big problem.

6 sept and i had some beer, wife went out and said not to be drunk when she got back. I hate the way that she is always out so I was drunk and she just gave me my pillows and went to bed. Didnt talk much on the 7th and on the 8th she told me that she was leaving and couldnt go on. She said something just snapped but it was a long time coming.

She saw how much it hurt me and that this time I had finally listened and woken up but that she has given me all the chances to change that she could. she moved out to her mums.

She had thrown herself into sports this year, was always out doing them and I filled my time with beer and my daughter. We werent really talking or showing each other much affection although I see now that she never stopped trying. She went out to escape and i would drink to punish her. She says that we drifted apart and want different things. That she loved me but wasnt sure she was in love with me anymore.

On the 10th she came and we had a nice talk, like we used to when we were younger and actually spoke to each other. We got together after she was 18 and have been married 14 years with a 7 year old daughter.
I don't personally feel she has the only part in this breakdown. You drove her out and she had no sanctuary in the marriage for your drinking. You weren't happy in this marriage either and she looked out for other ppl who would treat her like a human being.

You had problems with drinking and marriage wasn't looked after. Sometimes, you had to do what you had to do e.g. drinking and so did she. You had addiction and she clearly asked you not drinking and you still did. Practically, she realized she should do as she pleased as well. Marriage was already over.

You pulled the trigger first. Not her. She was more reactive to the situation.
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Old 29th October 2011, 01:34 AM   #19
richyc
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

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I don't personally feel she has the only part in this breakdown. You drove her out and she had no sanctuary in the marriage for your drinking. You weren't happy in this marriage either and she looked out for other ppl who would treat her like a human being.

You had problems with drinking and marriage wasn't looked after. Sometimes, you had to do what you had to do e.g. drinking and so did she. You had addiction and she clearly asked you not drinking and you still did. Practically, she realized she should do as she pleased as well. Marriage was already over.

You pulled the trigger first. Not her. She was more reactive to the situation.
You have to be a woman, lmao.

Yes, I drank and freely admit that but it wasnt an addiction and isnt a problem. I did it out of boredom and habbit. Been almost 2 months and I havent touched a drop, lost weight, toned up and feel great.

I never gave up on her though in spite of us getting into a rutt and not being especially happy. I never started fuking other people. That was the one thing that we always promised and vowed to each other that would never happen.
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Old 29th October 2011, 01:58 AM   #20
Forever
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

What happened to the boredom and habit drinking? She is gone, and now suddenly you do not drink, but while she was there and asking you not to...you kept it up to punish her for living a life that did not include moping around the house pickling her brains with you? Why? Did it ever occur to you that she really did not want to live with a man who was busy turning himself into a full blown alcoholic and a couch potatoe? Why did you punish her for wanting something better out of life than that? She lost r-e-s-p-e-c-t for you as a person.

Women do not relish the idea of spending the rest of their lives with a boozer any more than men want to spend their lives with a woman who turns herself into a fat pig.

If you could stop after she left, why were you not willing to do so while you still had a chance to turn this around? No, she is not justified in banging on her climbing partner...never justified....but it is true...the marriage was over in her heart by the time that happened...and to "seal the deal" she made sure you could never want her back. But I wonder if she would have even gone down that road had you stepped up to the plate when she begged you to.... before she ever got involved with the likes of him.

Sorry for your loss...try to learn from those mistakes and you will be a better man for it in the future.

Last edited by Forever; 29th October 2011 at 02:32 AM.
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Old 29th October 2011, 03:07 AM   #21
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

Hi Rychyc..

You are relieved it is over it seems. Best to put it behind and learn from the mistakes. It is hard to be married to someone locked into booze as there is little room for others. I see various reasons why you said you drank and she asked you so many times to be sober. You said you were bored, just a habit, to get even with her, etc. Funny, you said it wasn't a problem..your drinking. That is denial talk, as the drinking was in fact a HUGE problem. That drinking was the main factor to bury your marriage. Her actions were a reaction to the dissatisfaction and loneliness of being with someone who didn't care.
That is all typical "addiction talk" which places blame everywhere but where it belongs...self. This marriage is over now so what you should do is work cooperatively so you can both move on. Don't punish her for wanting better than you were willing to give her.

Do work on your own issues to heal the part of you that seeks liquid comfort. Many who get into booze live a life they see reflected from a childhood. Get to the issues that make you want to drink. Perhaps you should consider a support group like AA to make healthier decisions. There is a child involved and so that you can have a healthy relationship in future, make yourself free of negative choices. This is a very sad story...sorry for your loss.
Do take positive steps to heal the inner child that was selfish and willful in how you lived your life.
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Old 29th October 2011, 10:01 AM   #22
Chamomile
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

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Originally Posted by richyc View Post

She is in for a big shock when the devorce papers go through her letter box in 3 weeks when she starts her course, and the car insurance gets cancelled and all her **** gets piled up in the driveway.

Keeping a lid on what I know for 3 weeks isnt gonna be easy but it will be so worth it - just like proving to her mum that I was right and her daughter is a cheating whore.
Hi Forever, 1aokgal

You two, are awesomely incredible as always.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Richyc, you might have felt you were slightly attacked by my previous post but you shouldn't take it that way. I have no interest in doing that whatsoever.

What bothered me slightly is the way you name calling your wife. You seem to have chronic lack of respect to other people. You do not have sensitivity essential in conducting any fruitful relationships with other people. You have certain personality traits which may include being misogynistic. There are men who actually hate women. I say this because you admit to yourself that you wanted to punish your wife. She got the message as you wanted.

You really aren't the victim from straightforward adultery. You admitted in your first post how bad your drinking was. You pushed her into doing what she ended up doing. If she now found someone else who cared about her then good luck to her.

My wife and I had a lovely summer together i thought although now i see the signs. I have always drunk quite often, only at home, and it has been a big problem.

I suggest you read what Forever and 1aokgal had posted very carefully and take stock of the situation. They have given you extremely useful advice there.
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Old 28th November 2011, 03:00 PM   #23
richyc
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

Chamomile - you are way off and should keep your armchair psychiatry and opinions to yourself.

Forever and 1aokgal, yes you are right - mostly, and I can/could see that, although I was angry when I wrote what I had so came across with too much bravado.

So, an update. Almost 3 months and I know that I only drank because I was unhappy too and bored. Havent drank since or felt the need, lost a load of weight, packed on a load of muscle and feel 10 years younger.

My wife and I have been spending a lot of time with each other, almost everyday, which started slowly a couple of weeks after her boyfriend left.

I know that for the first couple of weeks she missed him and was torn. She had feelings for him but wasnt sure how strong I dont think although she now says that it was lust and excitement and that she isnt interested in him.

I have wanted her to come home since the start of this but now that she is talking about coming home and wanting to I am having to think long and hard about it and am not sure what to do.

I love her and want her back but am not sure if we will end up like we were. There are still times when I cant say more than a couple of words and she snaps and starts raising her voice.

Our whole relationship was built on trust, complete unquestionable trust and faith. She didnt just break my trust though, she betrayed me. The way that she acted has also done as much damage as what she did - since she told me that she was leaving me we spent a lot of time talking and seeing each other and all the time she was looking me in the eyes and lying to me, bare faced lies. And now I know that she is that sort of person, that she can do that. I came across a cold, deceitful and selfish woman whilst this was going on.

There have been times that she has admitted that she had an affair and was sorry and I thought we could get past it. But then she manages to go back to she had left me, was going to leave me anyway and that her and him were all innocent until she left me. If she cant admit what she did and keeps justifying it then she cant feel any guilt or remorse and i cant really forgive.

I dont want to forever wonder what she is doing or where she is. I want to trust her again but when I think about the times that she looked into my eyes and treated me like a complete fool then I am not sure how I could ever trust another word she says.

I dont know if what happened will eat away and the suspicion and distrust sour things forever.
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Old 28th November 2011, 07:52 PM   #24
Forever
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

I can give you my opinion for whatever it is worth to you.

It is way too soon to know if she has true remorse...and too soon to know if what she is saying is because her options for a comfy life are looking grim or if she REALLY sees the evil in what she has done.

If she is still "snappy" or gets pissy while in conversation with you from time to time, and calling what she did "innocent" based entirely on a time line...that is not a good sign. It was not innocent at any point in time...since the first time she felt a "thrill" when she spent time with him, all the way to sleeping with him whether she was "still living with you" or not.

Many women and men demonize their spouses to the opposite sex (especially someone they are already attracted to) and then wonder why things progress so quickly from there. Well, they have a big neon sign stamped on their forehead that says: "Easy". She could have confided in her female friends if she were serious about getting some solutions in the marriage...or she could have sat you down and calmly told you what was at stake in a way that would have made you listen...or she could have made an appointment to get counseling for herself regarding how to deal with you in a non-destructive manner.

So unless, and until you BOTH go together and get some good serious counseling, I doubt that getting back together so soon will be a good idea. Dont let your libido speak for your common sense. Love, in and of itself, is not enough after what has been happening. You will live your life in paranoia. I would give it a year WITH counseling before I would let her darken my door on a regular basis. You need to feel completely at ease....she needs to feel completely guilty and remorseful. Dont make it too easy for her, she will disrespect you even more than she did before.

If she gets pissed about having to wait a year, well...what does that say about her level of understanding and commitment?

Last edited by Forever; 28th November 2011 at 08:04 PM.
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Old 28th November 2011, 10:20 PM   #25
richyc
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

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I can give you my opinion for whatever it is worth to you.

It is way too soon to know if she has true remorse...and too soon to know if what she is saying is because her options for a comfy life are looking grim or if she REALLY sees the evil in what she has done.

If she is still "snappy" or gets pissy while in conversation with you from time to time, and calling what she did "innocent" based entirely on a time line...that is not a good sign. It was not innocent at any point in time...since the first time she felt a "thrill" when she spent time with him, all the way to sleeping with him whether she was "still living with you" or not.

Many women and men demonize their spouses to the opposite sex (especially someone they are already attracted to) and then wonder why things progress so quickly from there. Well, they have a big neon sign stamped on their forehead that says: "Easy". She could have confided in her female friends if she were serious about getting some solutions in the marriage...or she could have sat you down and calmly told you what was at stake in a way that would have made you listen...or she could have made an appointment to get counseling for herself regarding how to deal with you in a non-destructive manner.

So unless, and until you BOTH go together and get some good serious counseling, I doubt that getting back together so soon will be a good idea. Dont let your libido speak for your common sense. Love, in and of itself, is not enough after what has been happening. You will live your life in paranoia. I would give it a year WITH counseling before I would let her darken my door on a regular basis. You need to feel completely at ease....she needs to feel completely guilty and remorseful. Dont make it too easy for her, she will disrespect you even more than she did before.

If she gets pissed about having to wait a year, well...what does that say about her level of understanding and commitment?
Thanks for the reply.

Yes she had been discussing me and her unhappiness with him. Also with another of her friends, the one who is living a lie, having multiple affairs and told her to be selfish and enjoy herself.

I have been making every effort this month and in truth it has been me pushing about her coming back. But now that she is talking about it I am starting to wonder wtf I am doing.

It was only at the beginning of this month that she still thought her feelings were stronger for him and was hoping he would be back (not sure she realises that I know that).

We have got along progressively better since then and probably had more sex in the last 2 weeks than last 2 years but I wonder. I wonder how I went from being an option to her choice, was it just because i am here and he isnt, or because he is partying with women his own age and she feels spurned and silly or did she actually choose me?

and then if she actually chose me was it for all the right reasons or for security etc etc?

There are times that she gets quite pissy with me, hadnt been doing it much until this weekend. She has a friend that is going to leave her other half and she told her not to worry, to get christmas over and then she could stay with us a while. I thought it a bit rich - she isnt even back and is offering out a room in my house to a friend that she has only known 3 weeks ffs. I made a comment and she got all pissy about it, some **** about doing anything for her friends blah blah.

I think that having tried so much to please her and win her back she feels that she is holding all the cards and I am still the doormat that I have been. sometimes if she gets a bit pissy and i say something then she says that she will just leave and go home and I always say not to - on sunday I nearly threw her out though - almost 3 months managing a 4 bedroom house on my own on top of shifts (4on 4off) and a 7 year old on my 4off and she decided to moan about my daughters room not being tidy.
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Old 28th November 2011, 10:32 PM   #26
Forever
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

Good Lord Richyc! You are just another option to her...if things had worked out with climber, you would not be seeing her or having sex with her now. She also has the audacity to be confiding to you about the guy? Did I get that right? She is being cocky, arrogant and presumptious this soon? Whew! Where is the humility?

What's going to happen the next time someone turns her head? OMG run! (unless you have "SUCKER" stamped on your forehead).....

I would sit her down and tell her that you and she will need a year counseling before she can move back...and that is if you are feeling comfortable with the progress...see what she has to say about that.
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Old 28th November 2011, 10:37 PM   #27
richyc
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

i should add, that I was pushing about her coming home because I feared that if she did get a place of her own that that would be the end of us, that we could not come back from that.

What is bothering me now is the lies.

She said yesterday that she was going to leave me this year anyway as I hadnt changed and she wasnt happy and that he was just a catalyst for doing it early. She said that when she left she was never coming back, that that was it, that the thing with him was a big "screw you", that she wanted to get caught and wanted to hurt me.

The thing is that this latest version is either a lie too or just makes it worse. She didnt want to get caught at all and lied to all but one of her friends. She kept telling me that she just needed space and that there was still hope, just as she told her friends.

I dont know if she is justifying it in her own mind just like leaving me first made it somehow alright to her to do what she did since it was over and not cheating or if she is just deceitful and scheming.

edit - nope not confiding her unhappiness in him with me but discussing our marriage with him and telling him she wasnt happy.
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Old 28th November 2011, 10:46 PM   #28
richyc
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

I half wonder if she wants to come back to get back in the house. That she has realised what going it alone means. That next time she stays in the house and forces me out, keeps everything and manages to pay the bills by letting her friend move in and splitting them.

I never ever wanted to think that sort of thing about her and for 15 years have totally trusted her and relied on her. I dont know if it is paranoia but I am awake and there is a faint whiff of coffee
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Old 28th November 2011, 10:55 PM   #29
Forever
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

I would not trust her motives one nit. Women plan way way in advance. Do not let her back into that house. She has no remorse, she lies, she is arrogant...what? Do not let your libido get the best of you. Surely there will someday be someone "out there" who can love and appreciate you fully and would be horrified at the thought that using adultery to make a point is fair play?

Yep. She knows she has you by the gonads...threatening to leave if she does not like what is going on at the moment...that's whipped.

You can do better than that.


Do you rent or own? Is the house (if you own it) in both names?
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Old 28th November 2011, 11:19 PM   #30
richyc
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

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Do you rent or own? Is the house (if you own it) in both names?
Rent. Sold ours in 2008 before things started getting ugly. The plan was to sit it out and buy a much better place when the worst was over. She has more than half the cash in her name so if we call it quits it is a fair split as it is with me keeping the furniture etc etc.
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