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Old 29th November 2011, 01:59 AM   #31
AnotherSoul
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

hi.... wow... all of this was some good reading.... not saying that in a bad way... I want to give my opinion and yes, I am a woman. Don't know if you will like it or not. You obviously didn't appreciate her, took her for granted... is the way usually... we don't know what we have til we lose it... and I am sure you were lacking something from her that is why you drank. You are BOTH AT FAULT. She chose the chicken sh*t way out to try and fix it... you chose drink to forget that you weren't happy... I would not trust her. And i am curious to know how did you find all the stuff you did and she didn't know? She needs to come one million percent clean or forget it, let-her-go. If she is honest, then you should give her a chance and perhaps you can work at it.... It sucks and it blows to be cheated on. I have been on both sides of the playground! One last thing... there is plenty of fish in the sea but... you need to work on your issues, whatever they are, you need to admit it, at least to yourself... and work on them. Or you will take it to your next relationship. If she wants you back and you do too... make her sweat it!
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Old 29th November 2011, 10:22 AM   #32
richyc
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Re: help wife left and i wrecked my chance

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherSoul View Post
hi.... wow... all of this was some good reading.... not saying that in a bad way... I want to give my opinion and yes, I am a woman. Don't know if you will like it or not. You obviously didn't appreciate her, took her for granted... is the way usually... we don't know what we have til we lose it... and I am sure you were lacking something from her that is why you drank. You are BOTH AT FAULT. She chose the chicken sh*t way out to try and fix it... you chose drink to forget that you weren't happy... I would not trust her. And i am curious to know how did you find all the stuff you did and she didn't know? She needs to come one million percent clean or forget it, let-her-go. If she is honest, then you should give her a chance and perhaps you can work at it.... It sucks and it blows to be cheated on. I have been on both sides of the playground! One last thing... there is plenty of fish in the sea but... you need to work on your issues, whatever they are, you need to admit it, at least to yourself... and work on them. Or you will take it to your next relationship. If she wants you back and you do too... make her sweat it!
Thanks. To be fair she has come clean, mostly, she admitted what happened. She had told me that she had feelings for him and couldnt come back while she still had feelings for someone else as it wouldnt be fair.Now she says she knows what she wants and doesnt have feelings for him, that it was just lust and that she isnt interested in himas he is a boy - I think she feels silly and ashamed but I dont know. She tells me that she isnt interested in anyone else and doesnt want anyone else but I have heard that since day 1 of this.

I think that at the time what she wanted was him but he was having fun with women his own age in another country so stopped talking to her. I dont know that the decision was hers, I know that it was only just over 3 weeks ago that she was still talking about feelings and contacting him.

There are 2 things that are bothering me now though. Firstly, the way that she keeps flip flopping from admitting to having made a mistake and had an affair to somehow justifying it because she had left me. That is more defiant than guilty and if there is no guilt then I cant forgive - not once has she asked me to forgive her. And secondly, the way that she lied to me and treated me all the way through this whilst it was going on. The things that she said to me and way she was when we were talking about us.

The other day she asked if I had changed my mind about her and wanting her back. It was a little out of the blue to be honest and that was what triggered all this thinking. When she comes over she always hugs and cuddles me but buries her face in my neck - hardly ever initiates a kiss. I dont know.

There was something that I would like to ask a woman especially and could only do it on the internet - we were being intimate recently and she lifted one of her hands toward my head then stopped herself and put her hand behind her head. She then ran her other hand through my fringe/hair. I got the distinct feeling that she stopped herself because she realised that I dont have long hair to run my fingers through, unlike him, I told a friend and he thinks that I am reading too much into it. The next day she mentioned that she thought I should grow my hair longer on top so I said something and she blew up about it telling me it was ridiculous.

I just dont know, being together doesnt feel unnatural but there are times that it feels right and other times that she feels colder and not so genuine.

Her mum doesnt know that we are seeing each other like we are, she knows how much time my wife spends here but thats all. I asked why I was a secret as her mum would be less shocked about her spending time with me than running around hotels and she said that she didnt want her mum to think that she was using me. I thought that was a bit odd and along with a few jokes about using me for sex I wonder if there is some veiled truth there.

Edit - oh and as to the how, well I was a very intuitive child if you know what I mean. Since I stopped drinking that all came back and I knew full well what was going on but the not knowing was killing me. The feeling in my gut arguing with my head and the self doubt, the wondering if I was going mad was the worst thing so I had to know one way or another as she clearly wasnt telling me the truth and I couldnt trust her to do anything but lie. So I put a gps tracker on the car which let me know where she was, there was also the phone bills and a few other things.

edit - and yes, I did feel I was lacking something, I felt I lost her some years ago when she got a bloody horse and spent all her time with it. She changed and we didnt really talk the same or spend time together like we had. We were both at fault and I was probably far more to blame. We know all that know and are adressing it but I dont know if what she has done is a stretch too far and something that will destroy us forever. Had she just left and we gone through all of this to get things sorted out then it would be all rosey now but she didnt.

Last edited by richyc; 29th November 2011 at 10:54 AM.
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