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Old 31st January 2012, 10:03 AM   #31
mrsc
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Re: Can't get over my affair

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Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
He was a self made man of great wealth and women adored him. I think the women who loved him barely shared his spotlight as it was always about him.

So it seems this physical attraction sets up a chemical high, just like a smoke of something illegal!Perhaps that explains some of this.

The sad part here, is that his wife probably has that feeling as well. He seems to move easily into relationships that are spice for him with others. So it is not an exclusive feeling he shares with a woman. He has a track record with women. Perhaps he is a bit like my uncle who needs that excitement and gratification component to his life. It is living"on the edge" to be in a situation that could be exposed or discovered. That can be intoxicating for some.
This is interesting because E is heavily into high adrenalin sports - extreme skiing, off road mountain biking and such like. He is skinny as a rake and always on the go looking for the next buzz. A mutual friend, a medical man, says he believes E is dyspraxic. He works intensely hard and has built up a substantial fortune. His parents have both died and this hit him very, very hard. His wife talks about her "three boys" and they seem to have a Mother/Son style relationship. She is very homely and not at all sporting, is rather overweight (by her own admission, I am not being bitchy) and very shy, preferring to stay at home rather than meet with friends. when we have been out as a group she rarely joins in. Another mutual friend says "she has been very unhappy for a very long time." it is sad I agree, and I didn't want to be another reason for her to be sad.
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Old 31st January 2012, 10:23 AM   #32
chosen
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Re: Can't get over my affair

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Thanks for your supportive words Chosen. As I said it never has been physical affair, either when we were young in the late 1980s or three years ago. I am pleased about that because I would find it impossible to come back from that to my marriage. The guilt is bad enough and that aspect would be untenable. Both E and myself were quite clear we didn't want that anyway - it was too prosaic and predictable in the context of what we "had". Almost spoil it, he said.

Feeling much more positive that I can let go of this infatuation and have lots of stuff to work on here so thanks everyone. I said to a friend yesterday that this is the first time I have felt I don't WANT to have these obsessions - before I always felt they were something I had to manage or cope with, and it never occurred to me that I might be able, or more importantly want, to affect them fading and perhaps leaving me in peace permanently.

In the last few days, when a song has come on the radio, or thoughts have popped into my head, I have found that an irritation, not a source of sorrowful pleasure and bittersweet memories. That is a huge step forward for me. I do hope I can build on this. I am worried there will be a regression at some stage but I will deal with that if it happens.
Brilliant, and remember, if you fall, just get up again and carry on! Dont get discouraged if you fail sometimes, as long as you are heading the right way,thats the main thing.
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Old 31st January 2012, 10:24 AM   #33
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Re: Can't get over my affair

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This is interesting because E is heavily into high adrenalin sports - extreme skiing, off road mountain biking and such like. He is skinny as a rake and always on the go looking for the next buzz. A mutual friend, a medical man, says he believes E is dyspraxic. He works intensely hard and has built up a substantial fortune. His parents have both died and this hit him very, very hard. His wife talks about her "three boys" and they seem to have a Mother/Son style relationship. She is very homely and not at all sporting, is rather overweight (by her own admission, I am not being bitchy) and very shy, preferring to stay at home rather than meet with friends. when we have been out as a group she rarely joins in. Another mutual friend says "she has been very unhappy for a very long time." it is sad I agree, and I didn't want to be another reason for her to be sad.
He sounds like a very difficult man to live with!
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Old 31st January 2012, 02:11 PM   #34
Raymond
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Re: Can't get over my affair

I think it is good that you are working on it mrsc and discovering you have a choice here. It is a thing to watch if you are attracted to A type personalities whatever that is. Preserving your marriage and being faithful is far more important in my book. You will find other legitimate outlets for your personality that do not compromise your marriage.
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Old 9th April 2012, 10:26 PM   #35
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Re: Can't get over my affair

It's all come crashing down today. We went camping over the Easter weekend and I was in the campsite shop when I felt someone in my personal space, standing right next to me. I turned and it was E. Utter and sheer coincidence. We exchanged pleasantries and I said I would come down to his motorhome and say hi to his wife. On the surface it was all very pleasant, we chatted for fifteen minutes or so about nothing in particular, the three of us. My huband was occupied taking the tent down and packing up camp. It has taken me off track as you might imagine. It was delicious to see him and I'd love to see him again. I won't, but it has made me think longingly about him again, which is less than useful. Total glitch in the matric seeing him there, out of context. Just plain weird.
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Old 10th April 2012, 04:46 AM   #36
chosen
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Re: Can't get over my affair

yes it was a glitch, so move on and dont let it ruin what you have achieved so far. It will pass.
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Old 10th April 2012, 08:46 AM   #37
Raymond
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Every space between that temptation decreases it so long as you don't feed it again.
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Old 10th April 2012, 09:57 AM   #38
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Re: Can't get over my affair

yes Raymond is right, starve a fire and it will go out, feed it and it will get hotter.
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Old 29th April 2012, 03:49 PM   #39
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Re: Can't get over my affair

I found this thread when I did a Google search for "wife old boyfriend." I found it interesting because I think my wife might be going through some of the same feelings as mrsc.

S, my wife, was recently contacted through Facebook by D, a man she had a love affair with 34 years ago. S tells me there was no sex with him back them, that I have been the one and only (she is from a conservative south Asian background). D was engaged at the time and ended the affair to marry his betrothed, whom he later divorced. He remarried some years later.

A couple of weeks after S told me about D contacting her, she told me that she wanted to leave the marriage, saying I was not showing her enough love. What complicates matters is that I work in the Middle East and we spend months away from each other. I told her that I was just tired and at my end from being isolated out in the desert. We met for a break soon after that, things went OK and we seemed to have reconciled.

I did look at her computer one day and saw that D had sent messages of "I love you" on her Skype account. I asked her about that and she told me D was just joking but was being very attentive to her - that he said his marriage was dead.

Now we are apart again and I asked her to tell me what was going on. She said she is in touch with D but asked him not to contact her often and that he was unhappy about that. In fact, he wants to meet her. This would be easy for him because he has the time, money and freedom to make the one-hour flight to where we live.

I don't know how to play this. Obviously, I can't watch what she is doing while I am thousands of miles away. I did tell her that he was either being very reckless with all these professions of love and desire to someone he has not seen in 34 years while he himself is married, or he was just manipulating her to get into her pants.
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Old 29th April 2012, 04:39 PM   #40
Raymond
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Re: Can't get over my affair

She is playing with fire Martin. It is most unwise to carry on this friendship. People have idealistic feeling about love affairs in their youth which do not stand up to reality. Besides she is married now and all doors that could lead to temptation should be closed in my view. If you have a chance to contact him do so and tell him to leave off from your wife. This is just not on. I wouldn't put up with it. She needs a shock along the lines that it is him or me. That's how serious it can get. It may be a game to her but it is a very unwise game. It is certainly not a game to him by the sound of it.
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Old 29th April 2012, 08:37 PM   #41
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Re: Can't get over my affair

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She is playing with fire Martin. It is most unwise to carry on this friendship. People have idealistic feeling about love affairs in their youth which do not stand up to reality. Besides she is married now and all doors that could lead to temptation should be closed in my view. If you have a chance to contact him do so and tell him to leave off from your wife. This is just not on. I wouldn't put up with it. She needs a shock along the lines that it is him or me. That's how serious it can get. It may be a game to her but it is a very unwise game. It is certainly not a game to him by the sound of it.
I am thinking of contacting him and telling him to back off, yes. I am waiting to see what she says to me about where this is going. I have some understanding of how these feelings revived from the past are, but even if they met, they are not as they were 34 years ago. Also, since she is a south Asian from a conservative shame/taboo culture, I feel she is not going to jump into bed with a guy quickly - it would change her own view of herself and cause a lot of guilt.

This is what she wrote in response to my questions about what they were talking about. I was encouraged that she has discouraged him from contacting her:


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There really isn't much to talk about. He talk a lot about his life, what he has been doing and esp. what since I last saw him (sort of catching up). He told me how he regrets leaving me, how he was afraid because for the first time in his life, he met someone he cared deeply for but he was not ready to settle down. He feels that he should have given it a chance but that he was young and reckless. He didn't want to ruin my life (he was not sure how it would be and whether he could change but he also said talking to me, I sound like i have grown and grounded) because he was kinda of carefree and had a lot of fun with partying. BUT he told me that he feels that if he had married me(knowing me and how i turned out to be), I would have straightened his life out and been an asset to him, that i would have helped him and guided him, he was sort of a hippie. He liked adventure and was not ready to settle down. But in retrospect, he thinks we would have made it. he asked me to forgive him and once he asked me to marry him jokingly(of course he has always been nuts - makes me laugh a lot). when we knew each other we joked and laughed a lot. He is very smart and knowledgeable (in many ways he is like you but he is sweet not a meanie).

He has told me about his business briefly, how busy he is traveling. He operates from anywhere his businesses. He would like to meet me and see me face to face.

He keeps asking me to forgive him for leaving 34 years ago. he has regrets because he feels his marriage didn't work out. He says his wife is married to her job(she is not motherly to the kids, infact he used to cook) and is not lovey dovey kind, but practical which suited him as long as he could do what he likes, biking, traveling and pursuing his interests in reading, the arts etc.

Other things stuff he talks about: movies to watch, or music to listen to that he finds interesting. Actually yesterday i told him that I didn't want to communicate with him often - he wasn't happy.

okay dear, that is what we talk about. always about his biking. he bikes for 30 miles on weekends or quite a few everyday.
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Old 29th April 2012, 08:53 PM   #42
chosen
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Re: Can't get over my affair

Discouraging him from contacting her and stopping the contact are 2 different things. As a married lady she has no right to be in touch with an ex boyfriend, let alone be thinking of meeting him.The man is married again, and she is married, this needs to stop before it gets worse.
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Old 29th April 2012, 10:26 PM   #43
Raymond
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Re: Can't get over my affair

There is a connection there as they used to be lovers. That is why it has to be watched. Your wife may be innocent but he has a gap there from the past and believes that he should have let her fill it. He is reminiscing about these things and that is why she needs protection. With you away she will be vulnerable. I think it is coming more from his side than hers but she needs to take precautions.

I think if you contacted him you should let him know your disquiet about the relationship. I wouldn't go as far as stopping them talking about old times but I don't think it will be right for him to visit her if you are not there. My feeling is yes reminisce if you have to, then cut it off. You don't want a permanent relationship with him going on simply because he is an ex lover and there will be a tie there on that level. Once they have said what they need to say that should be the end of it for the protection of the marriage. Sounds hard but that is what should happen in my view.
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Old 30th April 2012, 07:51 AM   #44
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Re: Can't get over my affair

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There is a connection there as they used to be lovers. That is why it has to be watched. Your wife may be innocent but he has a gap there from the past and believes that he should have let her fill it. He is reminiscing about these things and that is why she needs protection. With you away she will be vulnerable. I think it is coming more from his side than hers but she needs to take precautions.

I think if you contacted him you should let him know your disquiet about the relationship. I wouldn't go as far as stopping them talking about old times but I don't think it will be right for him to visit her if you are not there. My feeling is yes reminisce if you have to, then cut it off. You don't want a permanent relationship with him going on simply because he is an ex lover and there will be a tie there on that level. Once they have said what they need to say that should be the end of it for the protection of the marriage. Sounds hard but that is what should happen in my view.
I think you hit the nail on the head. I think there is some space for them to reminisce and talk about old times. I will let it run for a little while and see where it's going - I hope it does not go underground, where she lies and does not tell me.
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Old 30th April 2012, 09:38 AM   #45
Raymond
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Re: Can't get over my affair

I would say that anything that needs to be said would have been said by now and he should not be hanging around a married woman with whom he has had previous romantic status with. That is a serious red light to me and your wife should realise that. I would keep a very tight rein on it if you can.
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