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Old 20th March 2009, 09:13 PM   #1
Brotan
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Going back - any advice?

My husband and I have been separated for seven months now. He left to stay with his brother after a big fight and in the time he was gone (5 days) I left to stay with my parents and we have not been back together since.

I am moving back in with him early in April. We are in marriage counselling at the moment and have an enormous amount to work on in a very short period of time. I am not sure whether either of us has changed at the moment, but we getting counselling daily right now and I am hoping by teh time we get back together we will be able to manage.

That said, has anyone on here ever gone back - after what length of time? How were the early days back together? What types of things did you struggle with and how did you sort them out?
If you are still separated, how would you imagine handling going back together - how would you protect yourself from what had happened previously and prevent it happening again. (I have posted previously about what led to our separation)

I feel like we will be strangers living together again and I also need to keep things safe for my 18 month old daughter who has been living with me and my parents for the last while.

Any advice, suggestions or personal experience will be appreciated. I am very scared of this move, but feel it is the only way to know for sure if this marriage will ever work. I have already resigned all my jobs and told friends and family.
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Old 20th March 2009, 10:33 PM   #2
JWD
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Re: Going back - any advice?

Hi, I have no experience of getting back together, my H is currently trying to create as much distance as possible

Well, first, why such a rush to get back together, if it's an enormous amount of work in a short period like you say, won't that put additional pressure on you both?

I haven't experienced your problem but best of luck to you. I imagine it will be quite strange living together again and take some time to adjust.

My situation is emotional affair so if my husband by some miracle decided I wasn't a wicked witch stopping him having his youth again I would need to

1) admit that it was an affair and he was attracted to her
2) get the truth about when and why it happened.
3) he would have to allow me to see his mobile when I asked and have no pass words on comp (not that I'd ever look again)
4) he would have to say he was sorry and actually mean it
5) he would have to be honest and tell me if he ever felt the need to stray again
6) he would have to open a joint bank account


I really hope you both make it and I'm so glad that you are trying.

Hopefully see you on my marriage success thread one day.
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Old 22nd March 2009, 03:03 PM   #3
Ginger God
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Re: Going back - any advice?

Brotan...

Depends what the big fight was about..if it was infidelity then all I would advise you is dont...it will never repair properly.

Graham
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Old 23rd March 2009, 09:53 AM   #4
Raymond
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Re: Going back - any advice?

If your husband is thinking about things as much as you are Brotan and is wanting success as you are then no mountain is insurpassable.

You both would have learned a lot from the past troubles and should be much wiser as to where the conflict is coming from. You will grow through this and it can actually be used for good in the long run when you get through, provided you are both pulling the same way and are wanting a good marriage.

I have heard much worse stories than yours Brotan and yet I look on couples with such fantastic marriages that you could not believe how it was in the past. If you are both looking to God as I know you do, you will find that His leadings and promptings will cause your marriage to flourish. As it happens people like you end up stronger and are able to share on it with much more conviction. Do what you know you should do and God bless you in it.

Raymond
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Old 23rd March 2009, 10:50 AM   #5
ken94
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Re: Going back - any advice?

Brotan,

I have an experience of that with my wife. She went away 2 times and now it is the 3rd time. I thas been longer and longer but this time I am not sure she will come back.

I think things go back very fast to what they were within a week or so. So I would suggest to take it very slowly.
The amazing thing is it is really wonderfull. A bit like a fairy tale and so we forget quickly our commitment to change the situation. I think you have to work on it for few month while you're back together and maybe carry on counceling even if things look very rosy.

I realise now that my wife had some problems on her own and that why she left. I don't think you should take all the responsability on you and feel guitly about it. Responsability is 50/50.

My advice: Never take it for granted.

Ken
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Old 24th March 2009, 10:36 AM   #6
Brotan
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Re: Going back - any advice?

Graham - it was not an affair. As fair as I know infidelity has never been an issue in our marriage.

Raymond obviously I cannot speak for my husband as for how much he wants something, but he says he wants to fix things and he is putting in a lot of work so I must trust that he wants to fix it.

Ken I am definitely not expecting a fairy tale and I sincerely hope that my husband is not either. We both have our own issues to work on as well as the marriage.

We will be back together this Sunday, but only til Tuesday when, as originally planned, I am going to spend a few days with my sister (I was going to see him on the way through to see my sister anyway) When I return from seeing her we will remain together.
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Old 24th March 2009, 11:28 AM   #7
sweetfa
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Re: Going back - any advice?

hello Brotan, I would say try find out what was the initial argument and did you come to a solution and if it worked for the first time it might work again and also know your each others feelings but do not force into going back as that might have an adverse affect.
thanks!
sweetfa
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Old 24th March 2009, 02:18 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: Going back - any advice?

Let us know how it goes Brotan. We will be praying for you.

If there is a way to save your marriage it is right to give it the effort. I truly hope your husband is learning also from all this and the counseling.

God bless

Raymond
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Old 24th March 2009, 06:46 PM   #9
JWD
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Re: Going back - any advice?

Hope it works out well for you
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Old 24th March 2009, 11:32 PM   #10
yogamad
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Re: Going back - any advice?

Me too. :0)
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Old 25th March 2009, 07:30 PM   #11
Brotan
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Re: Going back - any advice?

I am definitely feeling more positive about going back now - I jump from one extreme to another - fearful, worried, excited and so on.

I am also feeling more positive about my husband - he did the hard part of the counselling before I got to it and now while I am doing it I am pretty impressed with him - if he survived it intact and stuck it out then he must be doing a lot of work to save this marriage.

Thanks for the good wishes. Will definitely let you know how it goes.
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Old 25th March 2009, 10:57 PM   #12
Ageing Grace
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Re: Going back - any advice?

Hi, Brotan

I am so impressed by you both! I'd think your prospects of creating a new and happy relationship together are extremely good.

Daily counselling is pretty intense, isn't it? You must feel like you're wearing your insides on the outside! Self-discovery at that pace tends to be highly effective: you probably won't realise just how much you've changed until later. I still amaze myself sometimes, after I've gracefully handled an event that would have 'triggered' the old me - without even noticing that I did so

What your shared journey is doing - both for your husband and for you - is gifting you with a detached perspective on actions & reactions that, previously, may have felt like compulsions. Now, each of you has the benefit of choice. It's quite a blessing - and tremendously empowering.

I'm sure there will still be outbursts from time to time and, depending on where the two of you are in your individual processes, some of the old triggers may still be active. What has changed forever, though, is that you've both now gained deeper insight into what is going on. It will be incredibly interesting. I'm envious!

Whatever form your future relationship takes, this shared journey will be a strong and irreplaceable bond between you. You haven't said whether you plan to continue counselling together (perhaps you don't know yet) but I hope you do, for a while at least.

Together, you're doing something that few couples have the courage to do. By embracing the challenge, you're giving each other - and your selves - depths of love and understanding that most can only wonder at. That might sound over-the-top just now ... but just you wait & see

Good luck! And well done.

love, AG
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Old 25th March 2009, 11:05 PM   #13
jahdog
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Unhappy Re: Going back - any advice?

cheers, wish my soon to be ex wife would cosider counseling. gettin served tonite. 86 wife. now a statistic.
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Old 25th March 2009, 11:28 PM   #14
yogamad
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Re: Going back - any advice?

Glad you're feeling more positive Brotan and things are going well for you. Hope it continues. Let us know how you're getting on.
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Old 27th March 2009, 09:25 PM   #15
Brotan
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Re: Going back - any advice?

Ageing Grace thanks for posting such positive things. I am having a hard time dealing with going back and the stress involved in moving towns, losing friends and jobs and going back into goodness knows what. I will remain hopeful though.

Jahdog, sorry to hear things haven't gone as you would have liked.

Tomorrow my main goal is to pack up a house and fit what I can into a few suitcases. Seven months with a now 18 month old has resulted in a lot of stuff building up and things that she uses for her routines - many comfort objects. These are the things I worry about - how to keep her stable and happy when the whole world changes for her.

Daily counselling is very intense. We had a break today for the first time in 2,5 weeks which considering what is going on in my life right now, was a blessing. Today was my last day at work. I will not see about getting a new job yet - maybe later in April.

Its so much to think about. As for the counselling, it will not be finished when we are back together - we will have a good week or more to go and after that we will wait and see what the psychologist says. I am hoping we can continue in some form of counselling either for ourselves and/or for our marriage, but at the same time I do not want to become too dependent on it.
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