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Old 17th May 2009, 04:45 PM   #16
Raymond
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

I have a question Johnee. What does she blame you about? Are there any grounds or truth in it?

Also I think you are wise in leaving her alone. You cannot give her any comfort in adultery. She'd walk all over you. Reminds me of the prodigal son in the bible who wasted all his inheritance on girls and booze etc. When he came to himself, repented and humbly went home he was accepted. She needs to get to that place, if she does, before you can do anything. Even if she does it won't be plain sailing. She will have been injured and will need healing within. All you can do is leave the door open. How long you do that is up to you. She may be in danger of you being snapped up by someone else.

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Old 17th May 2009, 07:30 PM   #17
clockwork orange
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

Hi Johnee

I agree with Raymond. You are handling things about as perfectly as it is possible to do. The conditions you have set out for her to return are right, stick to them. My husband set out similar ones for me when I strayed - 2 years down the line now, and I'm glad he did that. Quite aside from the necessity if he was going to be able to trust me again, my respect for him grew from that too. He stood his ground, firm in the Lord, and the Lord honoured that. Without repentance on my part, and a willingness to set myself under his authority, there would have been no way forward. So stick to your guns - God will reward your integrity in His time.

CO
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Old 17th May 2009, 08:04 PM   #18
crush
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

Hi Johnee S sorry to hear of your heartache. I understand exactly where you are coming from. Like you have been married for 14 years in August and have 3 children. My H came home from work 5.1/2 weeks ago and just told me he was leaving me for a woman he had been kind of seeing (nothing sexual) but I do find that hard to believe. He had been texting her and seeing her when I was working taking our children to her house so they could play with her kids. Its horrible to imagine I know. Maybe they are going through some mid life crisis. I mean he told me that he loved her and had found his soul mate, how could that be true in the time frame given. I feel my H is having a mad mlc and am only hoping he comes to his senses before its too late. I think in your case and mine they are running away from life to something they think they need and have been missing. Oh God how wrong they are. He walked out on his 3 children which is something I would never have imagined he would do. And as yours mine are heartbroken. Despite everything I still love my H to bits but know that so much has happened in a short space of time. Could I ever bring myself to forgive him, I honestly don't know. I want to but at this time it is not a choice I have to make. I do believe in Karma and believe that what goes around comes around and only hope for both you and me that they live to regret their actions. Such a selfish act when it destroys so many lives.
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Old 18th May 2009, 03:02 AM   #19
Johnee S
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

I have forgiven my Wife for her going a stray. I have acceptted the expereince for what it is. She is on the defensive and does not think I am being fair to her having her leave. She made the choice not me what other choices did I have left in the matter? I am not leaving my home and kids.

As for what I am blamed for pick something that fails in marriage and bank on her blaming me for it. Most of our debt problems was due to both our poor choices and lack of an action plan to work it down. I did not nurture our relationship enough although she did not either. I did not appreciate her enough as she did not appreciate me enough. We both just stopped trying to be husband and wife and instead took on the role of roomies and parents. We still had intimcy and a little affection that has never been an issue however; it was not enough for her.

I think she just stopped believing in working on the marriage and trying to make this better through communication, that has always been one of the toughest challenges we both faced. We are stuborn and pig headed towards one another, despite my love being true hers is not. She has already gotten over me and picked someone new even if its long distance.

I have not been the best Dad having been raised in broken home and being on my own on the streets at age 15, it wasn't until I got together with Dawn that I learned what true meaning of family was about. About 2 months into dating I was kicked out of my apartment because I could not afford to pay rent, eat, or anything. She went to her parents and they took me in and let me stay until I got on my feet again, they even helped me find a room mate from one of the family friends co workers. They loved me and accepted me and I learned to be confident and strong for myself.

Today they stopped by with a video and book Video: Fireproof Never Leave Your Partner Behind - a story about a fireman and his wife and what it takes to win marriage. Book: The Love Dare - by Stephen & Alex Kendrick - a 40 day journey to rebuild the relationship. They asked dawn and I to take the challenge and watch the video together. W replied that it took her a lot of courage to leave me as she has wanted to do so many times before and she does not think it will change anything; however she did not say she would not.

So if by chance she decides to give this a go what do I do about her online addiction and her online BF? Do I stick to my guns and take the risk of destroying our chances altogether? She left this past Tuesday physically, but mentally and emotionally she says she left 2 years ago. I thought she and I were making progress and getting things back in order and being more together for each other since last September, only to find out she's been seeing her online BF since Novemeber last year.

I don't want to give up but if that is what she truly wants I cannot change that. I know she will become cold and distance herself from me further by my not letting her live here while I move out. I cannot allow myself to do that again, the kids need me to be their strength, I forsee our kids will be neglected as she will undoubtably sink back into her routine of online PC fantasy while our youngest is watched by the TV while not eating.

With summer approaching, she tends to be outdoors more which is great it will get her away from the computer but at night once the kids are asleep she will be down stairs on the computer in her fantasy world from the time she gets home from work until she is about to pass out (between 11:00pm - 4:30am).

She's lost a lot of weight sine being on the fantasy world, she does not eat well nor does our youngest.
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 18th May 2009, 03:03 AM   #20
Johnee S
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

Crush I know what you are going through too and it breaks my heart seeing someone else in the same boat... and you are right they are running away from their problems and short term pains. My W is not able to see the long term advantages of working things out for good, she has already convinced herself she is doing the right thing.
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 18th May 2009, 04:38 AM   #21
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

Oh guys, I know exactly what you're going through. My H has been gone for almost three months now, and "technically" gone for just over two. He feels like he's escaped our marriage, like he had been forcing himself to stay for years. At least that's what he's telling himself and anyone who will listen. Of course, he's recreating our realtionship and our history in order to justify what he's done: if he was ever unhappy, he never showed it. the man deserves a freakin' Academy Award. Either that, or he is the world's best liar. Regardless, he he gone and isn't looking back.

I hope one day he realizes what he gave up to be "happy". His beautiful children are paying for his happiness with their tears. No matter what happens between us as a couple, they so did not dererve this from him.

Some people just can't see beyond their own selfish needs. Sad.
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Old 18th May 2009, 07:24 AM   #22
crush
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

RayCub I totally agree, they are so selfish they just cannot see what they are doing. Only last Friday he was having serious doubts about her and was telling me all sorts and it really wasn't pretty but still here I am wondering what he hell is going on and he is living happily again with her. Non of this makes any sense to me. I need him to feel our pain and anguish, whether he ever will remains to be seen. I know one day he has to look back at what he threw away and know the heartache he has caused but then he will have to live with the consequences.
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Old 18th May 2009, 10:12 AM   #23
Raymond
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

Johnee you must stick the conditions you set as a pre-requisite for her coming back. You realise that you have both not worked on your relationship but this online game and flirting cannot ever happen in your house again. She is obviously addicted to it and it affecting her behaviour in extreme ways. I believe it has had a huge affect on her behaviour and should be ditched with a vengeance.

If she won't come back then you will have to say that you have been released from impending misery. Without that repentance there is no way forward I feel. If she sinks low enough she will accept you conditions gladly.

These marriage videos sound good. If she agreed to watch them some seeds may go in. You never know.

It sounds as if she has good parents so maybe there is something deep down in there which needs to come out of her.

Raymond
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Old 19th May 2009, 04:01 PM   #24
Johnee S
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

yesterday morning I woke her up as she stayed over while i worked all night... I think anger phase officially hit me and I said a lot of things like i don't love you anymore your not the woman I fell in love with. Your deciept has destroyed my love and trust for you. Sheis still talking and interacting with this guy froma new cell the person she is staying with gave her. The mutual friend she is staying with has no dea about the relationship she has with the other guy she is always texting and talking to.

Mom and Dad stopped by Sunday to meet us (she was picking up our daughter to spend the day with), they presented the both of us with a final plea to make amends and put our marriage in check and to get back together to give it one last go. They provided us a Video and Book with a 41 day challenge (it’s very Christian oriented) it is a series of doing 41 things 1 per day for ourselves and each other; we also have to take God into our hearts in order to seek forgiveness and love for one another.

She took the book and video when she left in tears for what i said to her, finally I got it off my chest and I felt terrible but it was nessessary for my own sanity. She needed to hear what i had to say and let me vent out I was not screaming or yelling but my tone was harsh and softened over time. She said she's scared and she doesn't know what she's doing or going to do. Finally some emotion came out of her but she still talks to her online BF. So that means she has no interest in trying to make resolution regarding our relationship. As stated by many so far, she's already moved on, so why does she just not out right say its done and let me go. Why does she have to keep twisting the blade in deeper and deeper into my heart? Why does she have to play head games with me? Has she become so self involved she cannot see or does not care what its doing to me and how its affecting the kids?

Every day I become colder and colder to wanting to resolve this between us, every moment I just feel the anger swelling up but I realize its anger at myself for aloowing to get to this point and at her for not being honest with me. I look at all her belongings and I want to get a bunch of boxes, pack her things up and leave them outside on the patio deck for her to see and take when she comes over next. My heart is growing darker by the second and I feel like there is no more light inside and I've been abandoned by my one true love in every way.

I can't believe the waves of emotions surging through me like a tital wave! One moment I'm sad, one moment I'm happy thinking we can do this, the next I'm angry because all i can see is her and her online fling boy talking and interacting and its consuming me. My kids cannot see me like this and I hide it well from them. I don't let them se my pain. I don't show them my weakness, I don't show them anything but my love for them. I broke down for a moment during our family supper last night. I wanted my W to be there with us but she chose to go to our mutual friends for a BBQ to see off his gardener whom she knew for 4 days. She bounced her family for someone she knew for 4 days, how wack is that?

If she thinks she can just walse into my life and make a new start she's in for the challenge of her life. She needs to regain my trust, my respect for her, my love, and prove she deserves to be there with us. No child should ever be with out their mother, as "Mother is the name for God on all the hearts and lips of all children."

To make things worse I called her a while ago after picking up my car from the inpound lot and challenged her to spill the beans and tell me right now what she is going to do or else its over completely, she said no I am going back to sleep, I said fine its done then and she hung up. I've never yelled like that on the phone or in person with her before, I just want her to tell me straight up its done or its not done, if its not done then she has to kill her relations with her online BF to start, but we all know that she'll never do that.

I have the day off today before I run a 7 straight nights to work, I will tell her she can stay over when I work providing she is going to talk to me about this mess and tell me straight otherwise she can get her things and get out and see the kids when I'm either sleeping or during family activities such as Sunday dinner at Mom and Dad's or during holidays. I will not give her power over my heart anymore. It takes a lifetime to gain trust; it takes a second to destroy it.
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 19th May 2009, 04:29 PM   #25
Johnee S
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Johnee you must stick the conditions you set as a pre-requisite for her coming back. You realise that you have both not worked on your relationship but this online game and flirting cannot ever happen in your house again. She is obviously addicted to it and it affecting her behaviour in extreme ways. I believe it has had a huge affect on her behaviour and should be ditched with a vengeance.

If she won't come back then you will have to say that you have been released from impending misery. Without that repentance there is no way forward I feel. If she sinks low enough she will accept you conditions gladly.

These marriage videos sound good. If she agreed to watch them some seeds may go in. You never know.

It sounds as if she has good parents so maybe there is something deep down in there which needs to come out of her.

Raymond
Raymond, I appreciate the encouragement, but my anger has taken hold, my whole being is enraged... I cannot stop her from doing what ever she does, I've always given her the benifit of the doubt on every occasion. I know i've not been the greatest spouce in the world, who really is? It is with courage, chose to love or not to love.

Her addiction destroyed us and I told her well before she and her BF crossed the line to get a grip and come back to reality. She lost so much weight and she is very pale, the glow in her eyes is gone, and in many ways she died inside, no energy and she simply started to look blood shot eyes and bags under her eyes; almost like a junkie. Its odd though she comes alive at night to go party it up and live it up with her friends, but makes every excuse in the book when it comes to her and I needing to talk things over.

She neglected our kids resulting in our youngest being malnurished. He now has an eating disorder much like she has. He has similar behaviors when it comes to eating peck here peck there and his energy is lower then an average 5 year old; before when he was fine he was bouncing off the walls litterally, he's our little monkey who never tired out until bed time. His personality went from jumping monkey personality to a dried up battery; I had no idea about any of this while I was working IT during the day, I'd come home around 5:30 and he was in his pejay's still playing XBox 360, or watching TV, or playing Game boy, or on my PC. I was on her case about this for last 2 months, no change...

I've been struggling to get him to eat more during meals by sitting with him encouraging him to keep eating, and playing outside every day for hours after his brother got from school giving up sleep to ensure they were ok. I take him for walks while his brothers at school, read to him , play toys with him and avoid TV and video games to ease him off his gaming addictions. I track everything he eats and monitor his energy levels and over all personality, finally after 2 weeks there is improvement but not consistant improvement. He is my mini me a mirror image ever since he was born, my Dad is amazed on how much he resmbles me in personality, attitude, energy, and his facial features, and his looks.

I put his pictures beside mine at his age and people can't tell the difference half the time. My Mom thought I sent her pictures of me instead of our youngest, I had to convince her it was him and sent pics of all of us together. it brought back a lot of stories and memories she and I shared.
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 19th May 2009, 04:34 PM   #26
Johnee S
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

Quote:
Originally Posted by crush View Post
RayCub I totally agree, they are so selfish they just cannot see what they are doing. Only last Friday he was having serious doubts about her and was telling me all sorts and it really wasn't pretty but still here I am wondering what he hell is going on and he is living happily again with her. Non of this makes any sense to me. I need him to feel our pain and anguish, whether he ever will remains to be seen. I know one day he has to look back at what he threw away and know the heartache he has caused but then he will have to live with the consequences.
I ask myself if I take her back will she hurt me again in a couple weeks, months, years? Will she betray me a 3rd time? Can I afford to get held back and knocked down again by her inability to remain true, honest, and loyal? She broke her vows to me does she even know the meaning of marriage anymore? I seriously think her selfishness, and lack of respect and honesty have damaged me enough. I can't do this BS cycle anymore, I refuse to allow myself to fall into her spider webs of lies.
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 19th May 2009, 06:01 PM   #27
Raymond
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

You have to do what you have to do Johnee. If you want to let her go which you are entitled to do you have the right. She left you.

Be careful of the anger. It's understandable but won't achieve anything. If you have to move on you don't want to be bitter as that could affect you and everyone around you. I sense your attitude changing. At first you were hanging on and wanted her back but now you seem different. You have to protect yourself of course if she cannot keep her commitment.

The partying will take it's toll. This isn't partying in the nice sense. There is a big void there and it seems she is getting more and more sucked into something sinister. I wonder what else is going on here quite frankly. is it drugs or something worse?

Raymond
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Old 19th May 2009, 07:38 PM   #28
Johnee S
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

It's not drugs, if it were I'd have checked her into rehab. I believe it is her inablity to take the step she took all the way as in letting me go. She's on her way over soon and we're going to have "the talk" finally. if she says she wants to get back together she knows what I expect her to start off with. If she is unwilling then that is her choice. nothing I can do or say will change anything. I just want an answer once and for all. Deep down i want to be with her, she's making it easier to drop her like a bad habit. Anyone knows habits are hard to drop so either way it's going to be hard as ****. I just need an answer and that's all, whatever she decides is what it is nothing more. I just want peace of mind knowing where she trully stands in all of this. That way I can act and put it to bed.
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 19th May 2009, 10:59 PM   #29
yogamad
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time Johnee. I hope your talk goes ok and you manage to sort things out between you. It sounds as if your wife is failing as a wife and as a mother. Look after yourself and look after your kids, especially your youngest one.

I watched Fireproof, that film you were talking about. I watched it by myself and apart from the acting which was quite bad, the film was ok. It does make you think about your attitude and how little things can change a situation.

Hope you have a better day tomorrow.
Take care.
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Old 20th May 2009, 07:47 AM   #30
Johnee S
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

I never got to watch it nor will I be anytime soon. She and I talked and she does not have the love for me she once had, its gone. She loves me but not in love with me, I asked her to let me go officially so I can move on and heal. I had to hear her say it, her actions already said she moved on, but I needed her to say it. " Johnee, I'm letting you go'" the hardest words I ever heard coming out of her mouth for both of us, it was really hard for her to say it, it was really hard for me to listen.

I have been controlling and at times manipulative because of frustration and insecurity, her inablity to communicate with me made it difficult for both of us. My inability to communicate on her level made it difficult; I am a black and white kind of guy, she's more in the grey and not one or the other... In time this will fade and I must learn all I can from my mistakes.

She was feeling so uncomfortable being around me, now she doesn't have to pretend or feel guilty or whatev it is. She can finally move on as I can. We're still going to be friends and still be close. Who knows what the future may hold for us. I just hope by the time she figures out herself and what she wants in her life, I know deep down she will want to come back I just pray I will not have already moved on by then. I do love her with all my heart but at least we can now be at peace with one another.

The healing process can now begin and I told her I need the kids as that is all I have left from our life together as husband and wife. In time when she has stabalized herself mentally and financially, and has a direction in her life she is taking; I told her then we can talk about the kids care needs. In the mean time if she wants to sleep over while i work nights I'm ok with it, but she has to get out of bed when I go to sleep. I miss the warmth of her body next to mine, her scent, and her snoring; its so odd how the littlest of things you cling to mean everything once your partner is gone.

I told her she no longer has to hide anything, we're just friends now and she can tell me anything. I just hope she and I can work on friendship and be the best we can for our kids. I have big plans for myself, I felt held back a lot while we were together; now I don't have to feel that way.
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Johnee

Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.

Last edited by Johnee S; 20th May 2009 at 07:59 AM.
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